Being a soldier's mother can mean lying awake waiting for news and flinching every time the phone rings. Learn how to understand and carry this anxiety.
The drums of the send-off have fallen silent, the crowd has dispersed, the bus has turned the corner. When you get home, the door to your son's room is ajar and a T-shirt he left in a hurry lies on his bed. That night you leave your phone by your pillow with the volume turned all the way up. The next morning, the first thing you do is check whether a message has come. As the days pass a routine forms, but the watchful waiting inside you never quite goes away. Being a soldier's mother means living love at its most intense during a period when you have the least control. In this article we look at where the anxiety felt by mothers of young men doing their military service comes from, the burden that waiting for news places on the mind and body, ways of staying close to your son without passing your anxiety on to him, and how you can look after yourself during this time.
Being a Soldier's Mother: Going Through a Separation
For many mothers, a son leaving for military service is one of the most tangible moments of their child's transition to adulthood. On one side there is pride: "My son has grown up; he is doing his duty." On the other there is separation and the unknown: "What is he doing right now, is he cold, has he eaten, is anyone treating him badly?"
These two feelings do not exclude each other; they are usually felt at the same time and with the same intensity. A mother who smiles at the send-off and tells guests, "May he go and come back safely", may cry quietly in bed at night. This contradiction is not weakness but the natural complexity of motherhood.
The period of military service also changes the order of the household. There is one plate fewer at the table, no one waits for the sound of the door opening in the evening, and siblings suddenly become quieter. This emptiness can feel like a kind of small grief, especially for mothers whose sons have never left home before.
Why Is a Soldier's Mother's Anxiety So Intense?
Control slips away completely
Motherhood is built on years of attending to a child's needs, protecting them and stepping in when necessary. During military service, however, a mother cannot directly know where her son sleeps, what he eats or how he feels, and she cannot intervene in any of it. The protective instinct carries on with all its strength but finds nowhere to be used. This creates intense helplessness and anxiety.
Information is scarce, and the mind fills the gaps
You may not be able to speak to your son every day. Phone calls may be short, at set times and sometimes not very frequent. Every hour without news gives the mind room to imagine possible dangers. Yet no news usually just means that your son was busy that day or could not get to a phone.
The news magnifies anxiety
Security-related news, accidents or a negative incident connected with military service affect soldiers' mothers very deeply. A place name in the news, or a city close to your son's unit, can suddenly darken your whole day. Following the news constantly may seem to meet the need for information, but it usually increases anxiety.
What people around you say
Comments such as "Our boy went too, it was very hard", "It gets very cold out there" or "In our day there were no phones at all, be grateful", however well meant, can trigger anxiety. Conversations with relatives, neighbours and other soldiers' mothers are sometimes a source of support and sometimes a new source of worry.
Waiting for News: Phones, Messages and Sleepless Nights
The experience soldiers' mothers describe most often is a constant state of waiting. This waiting begins to set the rhythm of the day.
Let's say your son usually calls around nine in the evening. When it passes half past nine, a restlessness begins inside you; by ten you cannot put the phone down; and towards eleven the worst possibilities are circling in your mind. The next morning your son calls and says, "Mum, I was on guard duty." You feel relieved, but the same cycle starts again the following evening.
This cycle has some typical features:
- Flinching every time the phone rings: Calls from unknown numbers in particular can set off a sudden wave of fear. We discuss this sensitivity to the sound of the phone in more detail in our article on fear when the phone rings.
- Being unable to sleep at night: Keeping the phone under your pillow or by your bed, waking often to check the screen.
- Building scenarios in your mind: Imagining possible dangers for every hour without news.
- Checking rituals: Looking at your son's or the unit's social media posts, constantly messaging other mothers to gather information.
In the short term these behaviours seem to reduce anxiety; but in the long term they turn waiting and being on alert into a habit.
The Traces of Anxiety in the Body and Daily Life
Prolonged anxiety does not stay only in the mind. Signs commonly seen in soldiers' mothers include:
- Difficulty falling asleep, waking often in the night, getting up tired in the morning
- Loss of appetite or irregular eating
- Tightness in the chest, palpitations, stomach ache or headaches
- Being unable to concentrate on housework or your job, frequently drifting off
- Impatience with your partner and other children, or withdrawing from them
- Being unable to enjoy things you love, with the thought "How can I laugh while my son is out there?"
- Being unable to go into your son's room or, on the contrary, sitting there for hours
These signs are understandable consequences of being apart from someone you love and worrying about their safety. You can find out more about how anxiety works in general, and ways of coping with it, in our article on how anxiety eases.
Communicating With Your Son: Staying Close Without Passing Your Anxiety On
The few short minutes you can talk to your son are very precious. It is possible to make these moments supportive both for him and for you.
Listen rather than interrogate
A string of questions such as "Have you eaten, are you cold, has anyone said anything to you?" is an expression of love; but it also passes your anxiety on to your son. Instead, asking an open question such as "How was today?" and giving him space to talk both allows him to express himself more freely and makes the conversation calmer.
Don't hide your anxiety, but don't load it onto him
You do not have to tell your son that everything is perfect; saying "I miss you, and sometimes I wonder how you are" is natural and honest. However, sentences such as "I can't sleep because of you" or "I cry every day" can place a burden of guilt on him. While he is coping with his own difficulties, knowing that you can stay strong for him gives him confidence.
Share news from home
For young men in military service, ordinary news from home, such as a sibling's school report, a change in the neighbourhood or a match played by his favourite team, is a way of keeping their connection with life. Rather than focusing conversations only on his situation, share the ordinary flow of home life too.
The oath ceremony and first leave
For many families, the oath-taking ceremony is a moment of both pride and emotional reunion. Placing very high expectations on this day, for example thinking you will be able to talk with your son at length, can lead to disappointment when you only get a brief meeting. Something similar can happen during his first leave: while you want to see as much of him as you can, he may want to sleep, meet his friends or be alone. This does not mean he loves you any less; it is the need of a tired body and mind. Not turning his leave into a race through a packed schedule, and giving him room to rest, makes the moments you spend together more precious.
Letters and small parcels
Where it is permitted, a letter written or a small parcel sent creates a meaningful bond for both your son and you. Writing a letter is also a way of regulating your own feelings.
If you want to understand the inner world of a young man about to leave, or who has just left, for military service, our article on military service anxiety may also open a window onto his perspective.
The things you can do to protect your son may have become fewer during this time; but the things you can do so that he feels your love are still many.
How Can You Look After Yourself as a Soldier's Mother?
Limit how much news you follow
Choose one or two set times during the day to look at the news and social media. Avoid watching the news in the evening and before bed in particular. Remember that if there is an important development you need to know about, you will be contacted.
Keep your daily routine
Waiting can put the rest of the day on hold. Regular meals, walks, work or household activities and social contact remind the mind that there is life beyond the waiting. Set yourself a small but concrete activity each day.
Make counting the days meaningful
Many mothers count the days left on the calendar. This count can be a source of hope, but saying "Three hundred days to go" every morning can make the waiting heavier. Instead, dividing the period into smaller stages, for example aiming for the time until the oath ceremony, the first leave or a particular month, makes the time more bearable.
Build solidarity with other mothers, but in moderation
Talking with mothers whose sons are serving in the same unit or during the same period strengthens the feeling that "I'm not alone". However, unverified information and rumours can spread quickly in group chats and magnify anxiety. Make it a habit to check what you read in these groups against official and reliable information.
Share with your partner and your other children
Fathers and siblings also go through their own anxiety during this time, but they often show it differently. Some fall silent, others bury themselves in work. Creating small moments at home when feelings can be talked about lightens everyone's load.
Turn to your spiritual and personal resources
Praying, connecting with your faith, returning to a craft you love or walking in nature: anything that brings you peace can be a strong source of support during this time.
Build a relationship with the empty room
You can keep your son's room exactly as it is, or air and tidy it from time to time; do whatever feels right for you. If going into the room is very hard for you, it is possible to try this gradually, in small steps.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It is entirely natural for a mother whose son is doing military service to feel anxious. However, speaking to a professional may be helpful if:
- You have barely been able to sleep for weeks, or have started looking for sleeping pills
- Anxiety is noticeably affecting your work, your household routine and your other relationships
- You are having attacks that come with sudden palpitations, breathlessness and a fear of dying
- You feel hopeless, worthless or tired of living
If there are moments when you feel tired of living, or when thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life cross your mind, do not stay alone; in an emergency call 112 (emergency services) and reach out to someone you trust straight away.
If anxiety about losing loved ones already held a prominent place in your life before this period of military service, this time may make that older anxiety even stronger. In that case it helps to talk not only about today's waiting but also about the longer history of anxiety in your life.
In therapy, a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach is used to identify catastrophic scenarios and thoughts such as "If I don't hear from him, something bad has happened", and to examine them from a more realistic perspective. Checking behaviours, such as constantly looking at the phone or following the news, are reduced step by step; the body's state of alert is soothed through breathing and relaxation work. Strengthening the ability to tolerate uncertainty is an important part of this process. If you would like support regardless of the city you live in, online therapy may also be an option.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I have the right to be happy while my son is doing his military service?
Yes. Laughing, enjoying yourself or having a nice day does not mean you have forgotten your son or love him any less. On the contrary, protecting your own wellbeing also means that the home he returns to will be a healthier one.
My son is very brief and reluctant on the phone. Should I worry?
Young men in military service may be tired, their call time may be limited, or they may find it hard to tell their families how they feel. Short conversations are not, on their own, a sign of a problem. However, if you notice a marked change over a long period, you can gently ask him how he is and make room to listen.
Does not watching the news mean I don't care about my son?
No. Limiting the news does not mean you do not care about your son; it means you are protecting your own mental health. If there is an important development, you will be contacted; constantly following the news usually only increases your anxiety.
What kind of change should I expect when my son comes back?
Many young men go through a period of adjustment when they return from military service; their sleep pattern, their role in the family and their daily habits may be different for a while. Giving him space, approaching him with patience and not overwhelming him with questions eases this transition. If you notice marked difficulties during the adjustment period, getting support may be helpful.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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