Asking Why Me During Illness: Anger and the Search for Meaning

Asking why me during illness often comes with anger and a sense of injustice after diagnosis. How can you live with it and make room for meaning?

Someone who has never smoked in their life, who has walked regularly and taken care over what they eat, sits in front of a doctor and hears a serious diagnosis. On the way home, a single question keeps going round in their mind: "Why me?" Their neighbour smokes two packs a day and lives on without a problem; their colleague never exercises but is as fit as a fiddle. These comparisons stoke the anger growing inside them even further. Asking why me during illness is an entirely human question that arises in the minds of many people faced with a serious or chronic illness. Sometimes it comes with anger, sometimes with deep sadness, and sometimes with a search for meaning. In this article I look at the psychological roots of this question, how it can affect a person, and gentler ways of living with it.

Where Does Asking Why Me During Illness Come From?

The human mind tends to see the world as a meaningful and predictable place. Most of us live, without realising it, by a belief such as "If I behave well, good things will happen; if I take care of myself, nothing bad will happen to me." In psychology this is known as the "just world belief". A serious illness shakes this belief to its foundations.

A sense of injustice: The person feels faced with a punishment they did not deserve. The question "What did I ever do?" actually carries the pain of confronting the fact that the world is not fair.

Loss of control: Illness takes away a person's sense of control over their body, their time and their future. The question "Why me?" is sometimes an effort to regain that control: if I can find a reason, perhaps I can change something.

Looking for blame: Some people turn this question on themselves: "I lived a stressful life, I didn't look after myself, maybe I caused this." This self-blame often does not match the medical causes of the illness, but it places a heavy burden on the person. The person who can answer questions about the causes of the illness most accurately is the doctor in charge of treatment.

Comparison: Looking at healthy people around them, especially those thought to live unhealthily, strengthens the sense of injustice. The thought "Why them not, but me?" can leave the person alone with envy and the shame that follows it.

A gap in meaning: Illness leads a person to question their life plans, goals and identity. "Why me?" is sometimes the first form of the question "What will my life mean from now on?"

The question can come back over time

This question usually appears at the moment of diagnosis, but it is not a one-off. It can come alive again when there is an unexpected setback in treatment, when check-up results are bad, when you cannot attend a friend's wedding or your child's graduation. Sometimes, years later, even during recovery, the same question can suddenly drop into the mind while walking down a hospital corridor or looking at an old photograph. The question returning does not mean you are "not making progress". Processes of grief and adjustment do not move in a straight line; they come in waves. Each wave is met a little differently, together with your previous experiences.

Anger: This Question's Most Common Companion

Asking why me during illness often comes together with anger. This anger can flow in different directions:

• At the body: "It betrayed me."
• At doctors and the health system: "Why wasn't it noticed earlier?"
• At family and others: "You're healthy, what would you know?"
• At oneself: "Why didn't I go to the doctor sooner?"
• At life, fate or faith: "This isn't fair."

Anger is a natural and understandable part of the illness process. But those around the person often find this anger hard to tolerate and try to silence them: "Don't talk like that, don't rebel." This reaction does not make the anger disappear; it turns it inwards. Suppressed anger can turn over time into low mood, sleeplessness and breakdowns in relationships. You can find general information on coping with anger in a healthy way in the article on anger management.

Faith and a sense of fate

For many people in Turkey, illness is also bound up with ideas of faith and fate. Some people find comfort in the thought "This is a test", and this thought gives them strength. Others may experience a shake-up in their faith with the question "Why was I given this burden?"; this in turn can create guilt and confusion. Both experiences deserve respect. A person of faith feeling anger does not mean their faith is weak; a person without faith searching for meaning is not searching in vain. What matters is making room for the person to find a meaning that fits their own values.

Differences by Age

In children

Young children often link the question "Why me?" with guilt. Thoughts such as "Did I get ill because I was naughty?" or "Because I upset Mum?" are common. It is important to tell the child clearly and repeatedly that the illness is nobody's fault, and that nothing they did or thought caused it. Play and drawing can help a child express their feelings about this question.

In teenagers

In adolescence, the question "Why me?" is experienced intensely through comparison with peers. A young person who is in hospital while their friends are getting ready for a party, a match or an exam may feel a deep sense of injustice and loneliness. At this stage, having a safe adult to whom the young person can voice their anger can stop that anger turning inwards. Being able to say "You're right, it really is unfair" when a teenager says "This is so unfair" can do far more good than trying to calm them down.

In adults

For an adult who falls ill in the middle of their career, parenting or relationship, this question often merges with the question "Why now?" A diagnosis that comes when the children are small, when a new responsibility has just been taken on at work, or just as a long-dreamed-of plan was about to come true, can create the feeling that the person's life story has been cut off halfway.

In older people

Older patients sometimes ask this question less; they may tend towards acceptance, saying "It happens at this age." But this is not always so. Someone who has lived healthily all their life and planned to spend their retirement with their grandchildren may also feel a deep sense of injustice. An older patient's feeling should not be brushed aside with "It's normal at this age."

How Can You Live With Asking Why Me During Illness?

This question usually has no satisfying answer. The aim is not to find the answer, but to stop the question taking the person captive and, over time, to be able to transform it.

See the question and the feeling as legitimate

Being able to say "It's very understandable that I think this" instead of "I shouldn't be thinking this" reduces inner conflict. Anger and a sense of injustice show the size of the loss being experienced; they do not disappear when suppressed.

Find ways to express the feeling

Expressing anger and sadness safely can bring relief: talking to someone you trust, writing in a notebook, walking, physical activity to the extent your doctor considers appropriate. Some people find it helpful to let their anger out by writing a letter to the illness or to their body.

Gradually transform the question

Over time, the question "Why me?" can turn into different questions: "What can I do now?", "What matters to me in this process?", "Whom do I want to spend time with?" This transformation does not happen by force; it happens at the person's own pace. No one can tell another person, "Stop asking that question now."

Focus on what you can control

Even if you cannot control the illness itself, some areas of your daily life are still in your hands: whom you see, how you spend your day, which values you live by. These small areas of control can ease the sense of helplessness.

Connect with others who have walked a similar road

Talking with people who have had the same illness or been through a similar process can ease the feeling that "I'm the only one going through this." Hospital support groups, patient associations or people you meet in the waiting room during treatment can offer the comfort of being understood without having to explain. But it is important to keep in mind that every experience is different, and that you should not compare other people's treatment or outcomes directly with your own situation. If you feel worse in these settings, staying away is also your right.

Searching for meaning anew

Some people describe how, over time, the illness brought a new perspective to their lives: noticing the value of relationships, changing their priorities, treating themselves more kindly. This does not mean the illness is "a good thing". Nor does this transformation have to happen in everyone. These positive changes that can emerge after difficult experiences are also studied under the heading of post-traumatic growth.

The question "Why me?" may have no answer; but only you can answer the question "What matters to me now?"

What Should Loved Ones Say, and Not Say?

When someone they love asks "Why me?", relatives often do not know what to say. The fictional examples below can offer some guidance in these conversations.

Sentences it may be better to avoid:

• "Everything happens for a reason." (It imposes on the person a meaning they might find for themselves, and invalidates their anger.)
• "Don't rebel, be grateful." (It forces them to suppress the feeling and creates guilt.)
• "If you keep your spirits up, you'll get better." (By linking the course of the illness to the person's state of mind, it burdens them with responsibility. I have covered this subject separately in the article on the pressure to think positive.)
• "There are people worse off than you." (It belittles the person's pain.)
• "Why didn't you get checked earlier?" (It turns into blame.)

Sentences you could try:

• "This really is unfair. It's completely understandable that you're angry."
• "Maybe there's no answer to that question, but I'm here."
• "Thinking about this must be exhausting for you. Would you like to talk?"
• "Whatever you feel, I'm with you."

Sometimes the most meaningful response is to sit beside them without saying anything, to hold their hand, to witness their anger and their tears.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Anger and sadness around asking why me during illness are expected reactions. However, support from a mental health professional may be helpful in the following situations:

• Anger remaining intense for weeks and noticeably damaging relationships
• Self-blaming thoughts becoming constant and heavy
• Prolonged low mood, hopelessness, being unable to enjoy anything
• Marked reluctance towards treatment, or the thought "What difference does it make?" taking hold
• Marked changes in sleep and appetite

If thoughts such as "There's no point in living any more" or "It would be better if I died" arise, do not carry them alone; tell your treatment team and someone you trust, and in an emergency call 112 (emergency services). An assessment by a psychiatrist may be important for marked depressive symptoms.

How Are the Search for Meaning and Anger Addressed in Therapy?

Therapy offers a space where you can talk about the anger, guilt and sadness created by the question "Why me?" without being judged. Within cognitive behavioural therapy, self-blaming and catastrophising thoughts are noticed and looked at from a more balanced perspective. In approaches drawing on acceptance and commitment therapy, the work focuses on the person making room for realities they cannot change, rather than struggling against them, and taking steps in line with their own values.

When illness-related low mood and hopelessness become marked, getting support in the area of depression and mood can help the person both lighten their emotional load and take part in treatment with more strength. For people who find it hard to leave the house because of treatment, sessions can also take place online.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does asking "Why me?" mean I haven't accepted my illness?

No. This question is a natural part of the process of acceptance. Many people first meet this question, along with anger and sadness; acceptance comes with time and often in waves.

I feel envious of healthy people. Is that a bad thing?

This feeling is common during illness and reflects the value of what the person has lost. Feeling envy does not mean you are a bad person. Talking about this feeling with someone you trust or with a professional can ease the shame that comes with it.

I can't stop wondering whether I caused my illness myself. What can I do?

This thought is very common and often does not match medical reality. Asking your doctor your questions about the causes of your illness can reduce uncertainty. If self-blaming thoughts have become constant and heavy, working with a professional can help break this cycle.

My sick child asks me "Why me?" What should I answer?

You do not have to find an answer that explains everything. Saying "I don't know either, but it didn't happen because of anything you or anyone else did" gives the child the reassurance they need most. Then you can make room for their feelings by asking, "How do you feel when you think about it?" If the question comes up often or the child becomes noticeably withdrawn, support from a child mental health professional may be helpful.

• #anger after diagnosis
• #search for meaning
• #chronic illness
• #patient psychology

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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