Avoiding Eye Contact: The Anxiety Behind Looking Away

Does avoiding eye contact make you seem insecure or cold? Read about the anxiety behind looking away, its possible causes and practical steps to make it easier.

You came out of a job interview, and a few days later an email arrived. At the end of a politely worded rejection, one sentence catches your eye: "Throughout the interview you did not seem very confident." That moment immediately comes back to you: your answers to the questions were not bad, but your eyes were always on the edge of the table, the window, the pen in your hand. Every time you tried to look the interviewer in the eye, you felt as if you had been left exposed, and you quickly looked away. Avoiding eye contact is often read from the outside as insecurity, lack of interest or insincerity; yet underneath there is usually something quite different. In this article we will talk about the reasons behind looking away, the situations in which it is and is not a problem, and ways of making eye contact feel more comfortable.

What Does Avoiding Eye Contact Mean?

Eye contact is one of the oldest forms of communication between people. Babies turn towards faces and eyes in their very first weeks; in adulthood, too, glances work as a silent language that shows interest, that we have been understood and whose turn it is to speak. But this language is not spoken with the same ease by everyone.

Avoiding eye contact means finding it hard to look the other person in the eye during a conversation, looking away quickly or focusing on a completely different point. Some people experience this only with strangers or authority figures, while others find it hard to meet the eyes of even their closest loved ones.

An important point needs emphasising here: making constant eye contact while talking is neither natural nor expected. People naturally look elsewhere when they are thinking, remembering something or putting a sentence together. In a healthy conversation, eye contact comes and goes. The problem is when a person cannot hold their gaze even if they want to, when meeting someone's eyes creates intense anxiety, and when this affects relationships or opportunities.

Signs of Avoiding Eye Contact

Difficulty with eye contact sometimes goes unnoticed even by the person themselves; it comes to light through other people's comments. The following signs may sound familiar:

• Constantly directing your gaze to the floor, your hands or the other person's shoulder while talking.
• A sudden tightness, embarrassment or feeling of being "caught" when your eyes meet someone else's.
• Forgetting what you were going to say, or your thoughts scattering, when you try to hold someone's gaze.
• Partly hiding your face with glasses, sunglasses, a hat or your hair.
• Turning off your camera in video calls or looking at another window on the screen.
• Often being asked questions such as "Why won't you look at me? Are you hiding something?"
• Counting seconds in order to make eye contact "correctly", and missing the content of the conversation as a result.

Why Does Avoiding Eye Contact Happen?

There is no single explanation for looking away. Different reasons come to the fore in different people, and sometimes several are present at once.

Social anxiety and the fear of being judged

One of the most common reasons is social anxiety. The eyes are where we most intensely feel the other person evaluating us. For someone with social anxiety, eye contact triggers the thought "They're scrutinising me; they can see I'm not good enough." Looking away eases this feeling in the short term and therefore turns into a habit. For other forms social anxiety can take, you can read our article on social phobia.

Shame and feelings of worthlessness

For some people, eye contact means having their inner world seen. The feeling that "If they look me in the eye, they'll see the flaw and the shame inside me" can be particularly strong in people who were often criticised, humiliated or ignored as children. Here the issue is less anxiety than not feeling worthy of being seen.

Increased mental load

Eye contact is a situation in which the brain uses a considerable amount of attention. Looking elsewhere while explaining something complex or thinking is a natural way of lightening the mind's load. Some people notice that when they try to maintain eye contact they cannot put their sentences together; this is not a flaw but a matter of attention being limited.

What is learnt in culture and the family

In Turkey, many children grow up with two contradictory messages. On one hand there is the warning "Look me in the eye when you're talking!", and on the other, the remark made to a child who lifts their head while being scolded: "And now he's staring me down!" Especially in traditional families in Anatolia, lowering your eyes in front of an elder can be seen as a sign of respect. Someone who grows up in such an environment may instinctively feel, as an adult, that looking a manager or an older person in the eye is "disrespectful". In this case, difficulty with eye contact is less a symptom of anxiety than a learnt code of respect.

Neurodevelopmental differences

Some autistic people may find eye contact uncomfortable, tiring or unnecessary; for them, being pushed to make eye contact can make listening and understanding harder. Some adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder also notice that their gaze often drifts. If difficulty with eye contact comes with differences in social communication, sensory sensitivities or attention problems that have been present since childhood, a comprehensive assessment can be carried out in adulthood too. Our article on adult ADHD may give you an idea.

Low mood and difficult experiences

During depressive periods, people withdraw from the world, and their gaze becomes part of that withdrawal. In some people who have had traumatic experiences, a direct gaze can trigger a sense of threat. In these situations, difficulty with eye contact should be addressed as part of a broader healing process.

How Is Looking Away Interpreted in Relationships and at Work?

The most challenging aspect of difficulty with eye contact is that it is often misread from the outside. Someone who looks away during a conversation may be seen as uninterested, arrogant, dishonest or lacking in confidence. These interpretations often do not reflect reality, but their consequences are real.

At work, interviews, client meetings and presentations are situations in which eye contact is clearly given weight. A sales representative may know their product very well and still not come across as convincing because they cannot look the customer in the eye. Someone who keeps their eyes on the table in team meetings may be taken less seriously even when they voice their ideas. The situation is similar for people working in health, education and service sectors: a health worker who cannot take their eyes off the file while talking to a patient, or a teacher who keeps looking at the board while meeting a parent, may come across as distant even though they are actually being conscientious. This feedback increases the person's anxiety and makes holding their gaze even harder at the next meeting.

A similar picture is seen in close relationships. Let's say a woman always looks out of the window when discussing a serious matter with her husband. He interprets this as "You're not listening to me" or "You don't care." In fact, she is afraid that if their eyes meet during emotional conversations she will cry or be unable to gather her thoughts. This misunderstanding can turn into an argument bigger than the original subject of the conversation.

Looking away does not mean you do not care about the other person; sometimes, quite the opposite, it shows that you care so much you cannot contain it in your eyes.

Is Making Eye Contact a Measure of Self-Confidence?

There is a message often heard in self-help books and in training aimed at the business world: "A confident person looks you straight in the eye." This message creates a second burden for many people who find eye contact difficult. On top of looking away, they begin to feel ashamed that this is branded as "lack of self-confidence".

Yet the relationship between eye contact and self-confidence is not as simple as it is made out to be. Many people who are highly competent in their field and stand behind their decisions may find eye contact difficult while thinking or in close relationships. Conversely, someone who can stare into another person's eyes for minutes may not be very sure of themselves inside; a hard, unbroken gaze sometimes conveys not confidence but a need for control or a message of dominance.

So rather than seeing eye contact as a "confidence test", it is healthier to treat it as one of many parts of communication. Your tone of voice, the content of what you say, the verbal responses that show you are listening and your facial expression are at least as important parts of communication as your gaze. Someone who finds eye contact hard can also build warm, reassuring communication by strengthening these other channels.

Practical Steps to Make Eye Contact Easier

Rather than trying to "fix" eye contact all at once, it is more realistic to make it more comfortable through small, manageable steps.

1. Remember that there is no such thing as perfect eye contact. The goal is not to look at the other person constantly but to be able to look at them at natural intervals and look away again. As a general guide, it is natural to make a little more eye contact while listening and a little less while speaking.
2. Look at the general area of the face. If looking directly into someone's pupils feels hard, you can focus between the eyebrows, on the bridge of the nose or on the face as a whole. The other person usually cannot tell the difference.
3. Allow yourself to look elsewhere while thinking. Raising your gaze or turning it to the side before answering a question is completely natural. Once you have gathered your answer, bring your gaze back.
4. Practise in low-risk situations. Try meeting someone's eyes for a second when thanking the cashier, buying bread at the corner shop or greeting the bus driver. These brief moments of contact lay the groundwork for bigger conversations.
5. Start with a screen. Focusing on the eyes of someone in a video or a newsreader, and knowing where the camera is during video calls, can be an intermediate step before face-to-face contact.
6. Put your attention on the content. Monitoring yourself with "Am I looking enough right now?" increases anxiety. Being curious about what the other person is telling you allows your gaze to come more spontaneously.
7. Explain if necessary. Telling the people close to you, "I find it hard to look you in the eye during important conversations; it doesn't mean I'm not listening", can reduce misunderstandings.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

You might consider talking to a mental health professional in the following situations:

• If difficulty with eye contact is causing clear problems in job interviews, meetings or at school,
• If meeting someone's eyes creates intense anxiety, shame or a sense of panic,
• If this difficulty comes together with general social anxiety, loneliness or a low mood,
• If you would like an assessment because of differences in social communication and sensory sensitivities that have been present since childhood,
• If you feel constantly misunderstood in your close relationships because of it.

Difficulty with eye contact does not in itself amount to a diagnosis; a professional can assess with you the context in which it arises.

How Is Avoiding Eye Contact Addressed in Therapy?

The approach in therapy depends on what lies beneath the difficulty with eye contact. That is why the first step is a detailed assessment: How long has this difficulty been present, with which people and in which situations does it increase, and what goes through the mind when eyes meet?

Where anxiety is in the foreground, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy methods are used in individual therapy. Thoughts such as "If they look me in the eye they'll realise I'm incompetent" or "If I look away everyone will think I'm lying" are examined. Eye contact is then practised step by step through graded exercises, first in the therapy room and then in daily life. Doing brief eye contact exercises during sessions and observing the bodily sensations experienced at the time helps break the cycle of avoidance.

Where feelings of shame and worthlessness are prominent, schema-focused work that explores the roots of these feelings may be added to the process. Where the person's belief that they are "not worthy of being seen" comes from, and how it continues today, are understood together.

Where there are neurodevelopmental differences, the aim is not to push the person to make eye contact. Instead, the person is supported in understanding their own communication style, being able to explain it to those around them when needed and finding alternative ways that suit them.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is avoiding eye contact a sign of autism?

Not on its own. Difficulty with eye contact can arise for many reasons, such as social anxiety, shame, cultural habits or tiredness. An autism assessment requires a professional to examine many areas together, including social communication, interests and sensory characteristics.

Why do I forget what I was going to say when I look someone in the eye?

Eye contact makes heavy use of the brain's attentional resources. When anxiety is added to this, holding a gaze and gathering your thoughts at the same time becomes difficult. Briefly looking elsewhere while you think lightens this load.

Should I tell my child "Look me in the eye when you're talking"?

Constant reminders can turn your child's attention to their gaze rather than to the conversation and increase their anxiety. Coming down to their level and talking face to face, using a calm tone of voice and letting eye contact come naturally is more helpful.

Does avoiding eye contact change with age?

In some people, difficulty with eye contact that is pronounced in adolescence eases on its own as social experience grows. Difficulty that is maintained through avoidance and continues into adulthood, however, usually changes only when it is consciously worked on.

• #social anxiety
• #communication
• #self-confidence
• #body language

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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