Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationship: How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Extended Family

Why does the mother-in-law relationship get difficult, and how do you set boundaries? Learn the causes of conflict, a partner's role and sample phrases.

"My mother didn't mean it like that." "For once, you give way." "We went through so much when we were daughters-in-law, what are you complaining about?" In many homes in Turkey, these sentences have been heard in one form or another. The relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law has been the subject of folk songs, TV series and jokes for centuries; but behind the jokes there is often a real burden. Unannounced visits, interference in child-rearing, comments on food and the running of the home, and tension over holiday and religious festival plans can affect not only the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, but the marriage itself. In this article we look step by step at why the mother-in-law relationship becomes difficult, what role partners should take in the process, and how to set healthy boundaries with the extended family while keeping love intact.

Why Does the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationship Become Difficult?

The difficulty of this relationship often comes not from people being "bad" but from the structure of the relationship. Two women love the same person, one as a son, the other as a spouse. Around this shared love, roles, expectations and losses are reshaped.

A change of role and a loss

For a mother, her son's marriage involves a loss along with joy. The child who was at the centre of her life for years now has another life and another priority. Some mothers accept this change easily, while others find it hard to let go of control and find their new place. Beneath a mother-in-law's seemingly interfering behaviour there is sometimes a fear: "I'm being forgotten", "I no longer matter".

Different values across generations

Today's young couples and their parents grew up in very different worlds. There can be marked differences between generations on matters such as child-rearing, screen use, women working, sharing housework and managing money. While the mother-in-law says "This is how we brought you up, and nothing happened", the daughter-in-law wants to act according to current knowledge and her own values.

Cultural expectations

Extended family ties are strong in Turkey. This can be a great source of support: help in hard times, support with childcare, a sense of belonging. But the same ties can also blur boundaries. Expectations such as "the bride joins the family", "you don't go against your elders" and "family matters are not taken outside" can make it harder for the daughter-in-law to voice her own needs. The fact that, because of the cost of living, couples have to live in the same building, or even the same home, as their parents is another factor that has increased these tensions in recent years.

Boundaries that remain unclear

Most conflicts arise from expectations that have not been spoken about openly. How often will visits be made? How will religious festivals be shared out? Who has the final say about the child? When these questions are not talked about, each side acts on its own assumptions and resentments build up.

Common Problems in the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationship

Although the dynamics of every family are different, the following problems are frequently encountered:

• Unannounced visits and the mother-in-law having a key to the home
• Interference in child-rearing: constant comments on nutrition, sleep routine, clothing and discipline, or parental rules being broken in front of the children
• Criticism about the running of the home and cooking: "My son doesn't eat like that", "The house isn't very tidy"
• Comparisons: with other daughters-in-law, with relatives, or with "the way it used to be"
• Violations of privacy: the couple's private matters being talked about within the family
• Tension over religious festivals and holidays: how much time to give to which family
• The spouse being caught in the middle: the son feeling he has to take sides between his mother and his wife

Of course, not every difficulty is one-sided. Sometimes the daughter-in-law, too, is distant, critical or prejudiced towards her mother-in-law. For a healthy relationship, it is important that both sides can see their own share.

The Partner's Role: The Man Caught Between Mother-in-Law and Wife

In the mother-in-law relationship, the most decisive person is often neither the daughter-in-law nor the mother-in-law but the spouse in between. The spouse's attitude largely affects whether the problem grows or subsides.

Many men feel caught in the middle in this situation: they do not want to hurt their mother, and they do not want to lose their wife. For this reason, they may choose to ignore the problem, to say "Sort it out between yourselves", or to say different things to each side. But this attitude generally deepens the problem.

There is a principle often emphasised in the field of family therapy: with marriage a new family unit is formed, and the boundaries of this unit are set first and foremost by the couple. This does not mean excluding parents; but it does mean that the couple's decisions come before the parents' wishes.

What the spouse can do in this process:

• Talk about boundaries with his own family himself: When it is the son rather than the daughter-in-law who conveys the boundary to the mother-in-law, the tension decreases considerably. A sentence like "Mum, if you let us know before coming over on weekday evenings it will be easier for both of us" can feel hurtful coming from the daughter-in-law and more acceptable coming from the son.
• Support his spouse in front of the family: Discuss disagreements between the couple, not in front of the family; in front of the family, show a united stance.
• Not belittle his spouse's feelings: Instead of "You're exaggerating, my mother isn't like that", say "This has upset you, I understand. Let's talk about what we can do together."
• Show compassion to his mother too: While setting boundaries, keep the love, and set aside time and attention for her separately so that she does not feel pushed out.

In this article we mainly proceed through the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law; however, the same principles also apply to relationships between a son-in-law and his father-in-law or mother-in-law.

How Do You Set Boundaries with the Extended Family? A Step-by-Step Approach

Setting a boundary is not punishing the other side or cutting off the relationship. A boundary means saying: "I want to protect my relationship with you, and for that I am telling you what is good for me and what is not." For a more general view, you can take a look at our article on setting boundaries.

Step 1: First talk as a couple

Before saying anything to the extended family, talk alone with your spouse. Each of you should answer the following questions:

• What are the three situations in our extended family relationships that I find hardest?
• Which of these situations is non-negotiable for me, and on which can I be flexible?
• Which subject about my own family can I be the one to talk about?

The aim of this conversation is not to persuade each other but to find common ground.

Step 2: Choose a priority boundary

Trying to solve all the problems at once puts the family on the defensive. Start with a subject that is the most trying but also the easiest to talk about. For example, unannounced visits.

Step 3: Express the boundary with love and in clear language

Boundary sentences should be short, clear and free of blame. You can use this structure:

"We love you and we are happy to see you (the bond). If you let us know before coming (the request), we can arrange the house and our day more comfortably (the reason)."

Other example sentences:

• "We decided the child's bedtime together. We ask that you stick to it when they are with you too. Your support in this matters a great deal to us."
• "Thank you for your suggestions. We've looked into this a little and decided to carry on like this for now."
• "This religious festival we'll be with you on the first day and visit our other family on the second. It matters to us to see you both."

Step 4: Be prepared for a reaction

In the first boundary conversation, reactions such as hurt feelings, reproach or "So you don't want us any more" may come. This is very likely and does not mean the boundary is wrong. Try to stay calm, not to become defensive, and to repeat your message: "We're not saying this because we don't want you, but so that our relationship can be more comfortable."

Suppose a young couple became tired of the mother-in-law dropping in unannounced every evening. Over a Sunday breakfast, the son calmly suggested to his mother that they spend two evenings of the week together and that on the other days she phone before coming. At first the mother took offence, saying "So now I'm a guest". Without getting into an argument, the son said, "Not at all, Mum, we want to see you; it's just that we're very tired in the evenings and we want to be able to host you more happily." In the first weeks she still came unannounced a few times; each time the couple gently reminded her of the same agreement. After a few months this arrangement became normal for everyone, and the get-togethers began to feel warmer than before.

Tension can also arise between spouses during this process. So that conversations do not turn into blame, the rules for constructive arguing in our article on couple arguments can serve as a guide.

Step 5: Be consistent

Stating a boundary once and then ignoring every violation of it causes the boundary to lose its meaning. Consistency does not mean being hurtful; it can be done through a gentle but firm repetition.

Step 6: Nurture the bond too

Increasing expressions of affection while setting boundaries helps keep the relationship in balance. Inviting the mother-in-law to give her opinion on something, appreciating her skills, or doing an enjoyable activity together gives the message "There is a boundary, but there is also a bond".

Healthy boundaries do not reduce love; they make it possible for the relationship to continue with love.

Managing Your Own Feelings as a Daughter-in-Law

The feelings the daughter-in-law goes through in this process are often neglected. Being constantly criticised, not being found good enough and feeling like a guest in your own home can bring feelings of loneliness, anger and guilt.

• Name your feelings: "I'm angry", "I've been hurt", "I feel excluded." Naming a feeling is the first step in managing it.
• Separate intention from impact: Your mother-in-law's intention may not be bad; but it is real that her behaviour hurts you. Thinking "Perhaps she's trying to help but it feels like a burden to me" can soften the anger a little.
• Notice your triggers: Some comments can trigger wounds from your past. For example, someone who was constantly criticised in childhood may experience a small comment from the mother-in-law much more intensely.
• Protect your support network: Stay in touch not only with your spouse but also with your friends and your own family.
• Create a space of your own: Have a small space and time that belong only to you, in your home or in your life: a corner where you drink your morning coffee, a weekly class, a walking routine. This space helps you protect your own identity beyond your roles.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It can be useful to speak to a specialist in the following situations:

• If arguments about the extended family have become the main agenda of your marriage
• If you cannot find common ground with your spouse on this
• If you constantly feel tense, worthless or like a stranger in your own home
• If anxiety, insomnia or depressive symptoms have appeared
• If thoughts of separation come mainly from extended family problems
• If there is humiliation, threats, economic control or violence within the extended family (in this case your safety comes first; you can get information from ALO 183 (Turkey's social support hotline), and in an emergency 112 (emergency services) should be called)

How Are Extended Family Problems Addressed in Therapy?

In the process of couples therapy, extended family problems are usually addressed through the couple's own relationship. The therapist helps the couple develop a united stance, and helps each spouse understand their relationship with their own family and the effect of that relationship on the marriage.

Within the framework of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), automatic thoughts about family relationships ("If I hurt my mother I'm a bad child", "My mother-in-law will never accept me") are examined; communication and boundary-setting skills are practised in sessions.

The schema therapy perspective helps in understanding old patterns that deeply affect a person's relationship with their extended family. For example, someone with a "subjugation" or "self-sacrifice" schema may find it hard to voice their own needs. "Enmeshment" or patterns of excessive closeness with a parent can make it harder for a spouse to separate emotionally from his mother. When these patterns are noticed, couples can learn together to set healthier boundaries.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is setting a boundary with my mother-in-law disrespectful?

No. Boundaries set in respectful and loving language are not disrespect but an effort to protect the relationship. What matters is how the boundary is expressed; using the language of needs rather than blame makes it easier for the other side to accept.

My husband says nothing to his mother. What can I do?

Try to understand your husband's fear of hurting his mother, and ask him to talk with you in private rather than criticise you in front of the family. It can be useful to decide together which subjects he will talk about and which you will. If you cannot find common ground on this, couples therapy can offer support.

We live in the same building as my mother-in-law. Is it possible to set boundaries?

It is possible, but it needs more planning. It is important to make clear agreements on matters such as visiting times, use of keys and who is responsible for what in childcare. Living close by does not mean the relationship has to have no limits.

Can the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship improve?

In many cases, yes. Over time, with both sides getting to know each other better, the spouse taking a balanced stance and open communication, the relationship can reach a more comfortable place. But not every relationship needs to be close; a respectful and peaceful distance is also a healthy outcome.

• #mother-in-law
• #extended family
• #setting boundaries
• #marital problems

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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