What Is Gaslighting? Having Your Reality Questioned and How to Protect Yourself

What is gaslighting and how can you tell? Learn the signs of this manipulation that makes you question your reality, its effects and ways to protect yourself.

"I never said anything like that, you're exaggerating again." "You always remember everything wrong." "If you weren't so sensitive, we wouldn't have these problems." Hearing these sentences once may be an ordinary disagreement. But when the same pattern repeats for weeks and months and you finally can no longer trust your own memory, perception and feelings, what you are facing is often called gaslighting. Gaslighting is when one person systematically makes another question their sense of reality until they doubt themselves. In this article we go step by step through what gaslighting is, the signs by which it shows itself, why it is so effective and how you can protect yourself.

What Is Gaslighting? The Origin and Meaning of the Term

The term comes from a 1938 stage play and the film made after it. In the story, a husband secretly dims the gas lamps in the house; when his wife says the light is getting dimmer, he claims it is her imagination. Over time the woman starts to believe not what she sees but what her husband tells her, and doubts her own mind.

In psychology, gaslighting is defined as a kind of emotional manipulation. Its basic aim, or result, is to erode the other person's trust in their own perception. The ways of doing this vary: denying events that took place, twisting words that were said, declaring the person's feelings "excessive," making them look unreliable in other people's eyes.

An important distinction is this: not every misremembering, and not every "I think you're exaggerating," is gaslighting. People can remember events differently and get defensive in an argument. What sets gaslighting apart is persistence, one-sidedness and the outcome: one side regularly declares its own version the only truth, while the other becomes smaller, quieter and more self-doubting.

What Are the Signs of Gaslighting? The Other Person's Behaviours

Gaslighting usually starts slowly. In the early period the relationship may be warm and attentive, with manipulative behaviours scattered in between. The behaviours below are common examples:

• Denial: Dismissing an event that clearly happened by saying "That never happened."
• Contradicting and questioning memory: "You're remembering it wrong, your memory is terrible anyway."
• Trivialising: "You're upset about that? You're so touchy."
• Changing the subject: When you raise a problem, turning the conversation to your own mistake: "What about what you did last week?"
• Projection: Putting their own behaviour onto you; for example, a person who lies constantly accusing you of lying.
• Using third parties: "My mum also thinks you're unstable," "Everyone agrees with me."
• Withdrawal mixed with affection: Extreme tenderness one day and coldness the next; this uncertainty pushes you to "behave correctly."

Say you made plans for dinner with your partner and they did not turn up at the last minute. When you talk about it the next day, they say, "I told you I couldn't come, you don't listen." When you check the messages you see that they wrote no such thing; when you show them, you get the reply "I said it on the phone, you've forgotten again. You've been so absent-minded lately anyway." Once, this could be a misunderstanding. But if similar scenes repeat every week, it is not surprising that over time you begin to think, "Maybe I really am absent-minded."

What happens to a person who is gaslit?

Perhaps the most distinctive signs are what goes on in your own inner world:

• Noticing that you apologise constantly but do not quite know what you are apologising for
• Replaying a conversation over and over in your mind afterwards, wondering "Did they really say that?"
• Becoming unable to make decisions on your own
• Avoiding telling your friends what you go through, for fear that "I'll tell it wrong" or "they'll think I'm exaggerating too"
• Feeling that you used to be a more cheerful, confident person
• Constantly "walking on eggshells" as you try to predict the other person's reaction

We would like to remind you that these signs on their own do not mean a diagnosis or a final verdict. But if several of them have been part of your life for a long time, it can be valuable to stop and look at the relationship from the outside.

Why Is Gaslighting So Effective? The Psychological Mechanism

Many people blame themselves with "I'm an intelligent person, how did I not notice?" Yet the effect of gaslighting is not about intelligence but about how the human mind works.

First, memory is reconstructed anyway. The events we remember are not stored like a video recording; they are rebuilt each time we recall them. For this reason, everyone who is healthy is sometimes unsure about details. Gaslighting uses this natural uncertainty: when you doubt a detail, the other side turns it into proof that your whole perception is unreliable.

Second, the need for attachment. Losing the approval of someone we love or depend on is perceived by the brain as a serious threat. To protect the relationship, a person may see giving up their own perception as the "less painful" option. We covered this in more detail in our article on attachment styles.

Third, intermittent reinforcement. The warm, loving moments that come now and then in the relationship bind the person with hope. Rewards whose timing is unpredictable keep behaviour going very powerfully. The thought "He's actually a good person, he's just like this sometimes" is a product of this cycle.

Fourth, isolation. As feedback from the outside world decreases, there is no other source left against which you can check reality. The mind begins to believe the voice it hears most.

From a schema therapy perspective, people whose feelings were often labelled as "exaggeration" in childhood, or who received love conditionally, may question themselves more easily in this kind of relationship. This is not their fault; it only shows how old wounds can be triggered in new relationships.

Does Gaslighting Happen Only in Romantic Relationships?

No. Although gaslighting is most often discussed in romantic relationships, it can appear in other settings:

• In the family: A parent dismissing painful experiences with sentences such as "Your childhood was perfectly fine, you were always ungrateful." In Turkey, where extended-family structures are strong, the fact that what older family members say is accepted as "true" can make this even harder.
• At work: A manager later denying an instruction they gave, twisting what you said in a meeting, or portraying you in front of the team as "disorganised." This is often part of psychological harassment at work.
• In friendships: Being belittled constantly under the cover of jokes and, when you object, being told "You don't get humour."

In recent years the concept has become very popular on social media. While this is positive for awareness, using the word in every disagreement can dilute its meaning. Thinking differently in an argument is not gaslighting; having your reality systematically taken from you is.

What Can You Do to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting? Practical Steps

The steps below can help you trust your perception again and bring clarity to the situation. It is more realistic to apply them step by step rather than all at once.

1. Keep a reality journal

Write down important conversations soon after they happen, with the date and time. Who said what, how did you feel, what was the outcome? The aim is not to present evidence to the other person but to confirm your own perception to yourself. When you look back after a few weeks, patterns often appear much more clearly. Keep the journal somewhere the other person cannot access.

2. Choose someone for "reality checks"

Share what you experience with a friend or family member you trust. The point here is not for them to take your side but to gain an outside pair of eyes. You can ask, "This is how I remember it, how does it look to you?"

3. Don't open your feelings to debate

The details of an event can be debated, but what you feel cannot. If you say "I was hurt" and the reply is "There's nothing to be hurt about," you can try this sentence: "Your intention may have been different, but I was hurt. This is my experience."

4. Step out of circular arguments

In gaslighting, arguments often turn into an endless interrogation. Instead of trying to win, you can set a boundary: "We remember this differently. I don't want to continue right now." This sentence is not a defeat; it is protecting yourself. Our article on setting boundaries may offer extra ideas here.

5. Listen to your body's signals

If after talking to a particular person you feel a knot in your stomach, tightness in your chest or intense tiredness, your body may be noticing something your mind has not yet named. After the conversation, ask yourself, "How do I feel now, and how did I feel before we talked?"

6. Rebuild your confidence with small decisions

For someone who has doubted themselves for a long time, big decisions are frightening. Start small: decide what to eat, which series to watch and what to do at the weekend without consulting anyone, and notice that you have done so. Each small decision reinforces the message "I can trust my own perception."

Your doubting yourself does not mean your mind is not sound; it may show that someone has been trying to convince you of it for a long time.

Safety first: when gaslighting comes with other forms of abuse

Gaslighting sometimes appears on its own and sometimes together with control, threats, financial pressure or physical violence. If you feel fear in your relationship, your phone is monitored, your money is controlled or you receive threats, the priority is not "fixing" the relationship but your safety.

• In a moment of immediate danger you can call the 112 emergency line (emergency services).
• The ALO 183 Social Support Line (Turkey's social support hotline) of the Ministry of Family and Social Services provides information and referral on violence and abuse.
• For women, the KADES app of the General Directorate of Security (Turkey's emergency help app for women) makes it possible to send a quick call for help in an emergency.

In such situations, it is important for your safety not to confront the other person, plan a separation or gather evidence alone and without being noticed. We cover this subject more broadly in our article on emotional abuse.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

If one or more of the following applies to you, talking to a mental health professional can be helpful:

• If you clearly cannot trust your own memory and decisions
• If anxiety, sleeplessness or a constant state of alertness affect your daily functioning
• If you keep hearing the other person's voice in your mind even though you have left the relationship
• If you feel worthless, helpless or hopeless
• If thoughts of harming yourself appear (in that case it is important to get support without delay and, in an emergency, to call 112)

Seeking professional support does not mean you are "weak." On the contrary, for someone who has lived for a long time in a distorted reality, a neutral and safe space is one of the most solid ways of finding your own voice again. In individual therapy, this space is built step by step.

How Are the Effects of Gaslighting Approached in Therapy?

In therapy, the first aim is to name what has happened and to assess the person's safety. The process then usually moves forward in several layers.

Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), thoughts internalised during gaslighting are addressed: "I always exaggerate," "My perception can't be trusted," "The problem is always me." We look together at what evidence these thoughts rest on and which experiences contradict them. Homework such as the reality journal carries what is discussed in therapy into daily life.

The schema therapy perspective helps us understand why a person is drawn into this kind of relationship more easily, or finds it hard to leave. For example, people with early schemas such as "defectiveness" or "subjugation" may internalise criticism more easily. Noticing these schemas makes it easier to spot early warning signs in future relationships.

In the later stages of therapy, we work on setting boundaries, self-expression and building healthy relationships. The aim is not a rigid defence such as "No one will ever fool me again" but being able to trust your own inner compass.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does the person who gaslights do it on purpose?

Not always. Some people manipulate consciously and deliberately; others use distorting reality as an automatic defence so as not to face their own feelings of shame or guilt. But whatever the intention, the effect on you is real and deserves to be taken seriously.

Is everyone who gaslights a narcissist?

No. Although gaslighting can be common in people who show narcissistic traits, it can also appear in other personality structures. Narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosis and can be made only after a comprehensive assessment by a professional. You can read our article on signs of a narcissist on this subject.

Can a relationship with gaslighting get better?

This depends largely on the other person's willingness to recognise their behaviour and take responsibility. If both sides are willing and there is no physical violence or threat in the relationship, couples therapy can be an option. If there is violence or serious control, individual safety and support come before couples therapy.

Does doubting myself mean I'm being gaslit?

Not on its own. Self-doubt can arise from many causes, such as anxiety, perfectionism or low self-confidence. What is decisive is whether this doubt increases in a particular relationship and in connection with a particular person's behaviour. Talking to a professional can help to clarify this.

• #manipulation
• #emotional abuse
• #relationship health
• #self-confidence

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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