Feeling Lonely: Feeling Alone in a Crowd and Reconnecting

Why does loneliness happen and how does it pass? Read about the causes and signs of feeling lonely in a crowd, and ways to build connection again.

You may talk to people all day, reply to messages and be surrounded by crowds at work or at school, and yet feel a deep emptiness inside when you get home in the evening. Feeling lonely has nothing to do with how many people are around us; it has to do with how seen, understood and connected we feel. That is why a person can feel utterly alone in the middle of a large family, in the midst of a long marriage, or behind a social media account with hundreds of followers. In this article we look together at what loneliness is, which signs it shows itself through, why it arises, and what can be done to build meaningful connections again.

What Is Feeling Lonely? Is Being Alone the Same as Feeling Lonely?

Loneliness is the perception of a gap between the relationships a person has and the relationships they would like to have. In other words, loneliness is a subjective experience more than an objective situation. One person may feel peaceful reading and going for walks without seeing anyone for weeks, while another may meet friends every day and yet think that no one really knows them.

At this point it is important to distinguish between solitude and loneliness. Solitude is chosen and is often restful. A person may choose to be alone to listen to themselves, gather their thoughts or work on something creative. Loneliness, by contrast, is an unwanted, painful feeling that is often experienced together with shame.

In the field of mental health, loneliness is usually considered in three dimensions:

• Emotional loneliness: The absence of a close, trusted and deep bond. For example, feeling that you have no partner or confidant to open up to.
• Social loneliness: The feeling of not belonging to a group, community or circle of friends.
• Existential loneliness: A more philosophical loneliness that comes from facing the fact that no one can fully know our inner world.

These dimensions can be experienced independently of one another. Someone with a wide circle of friends can experience emotional loneliness, while someone in a happy marriage may suffer social loneliness in a city they have just moved to.

What Are the Signs of Feeling Lonely?

Loneliness is not always recognised through the sentence "I feel lonely". Often it hides behind other feelings and behaviours. The following signs may suggest that what you are going through is related to loneliness:

• Feeling, even when you are with people, that you are on the outside, watching from behind a pane of glass
• Feeling emptier and more tired after conversations instead of satisfied
• A settled belief that no one really understands you
• Spending long hours on social media and then feeling worse
• A sadness that becomes more marked in the evenings, at weekends or on religious holidays
• Turning down invitations and then being hurt that you were not invited
• Disrupted sleep, changes in appetite, difficulty concentrating
• Quickly making negative interpretations that others do not want you

The last point is especially important. As loneliness goes on, a person's mind can become more alert to social threats. A friend replying late may be read as "they don't care about me", and not getting a chance to speak in a meeting as "nobody listens to me anyway". These interpretations push the person to withdraw further, and loneliness turns into a self-feeding cycle.

Loneliness is not a character flaw; it is a signal that our need for connection is not being met, just as hunger tells us we need food.

The Relationship Between Loneliness and Depression

Loneliness and depression often occur together, but they are not the same thing. Loneliness is a feeling and does not by itself amount to a diagnosis. However, prolonged loneliness can lay the ground for depressive symptoms to emerge; depression, in turn, can deepen loneliness by causing a person to withdraw from people. If, alongside loneliness, there are also weeks of low motivation, inability to enjoy things, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, it can help to find out about the symptoms of depression and to talk to a professional.

Why Does Loneliness Happen?

Loneliness has no single cause. Often personal characteristics, life events and social conditions come together.

Life Transitions

Moving to another city for university, changing jobs, retiring, getting married, getting divorced, having a child or losing someone close all shake existing social networks. For example, a new mother may feel that she has less and less in common with her old friends. Someone who retires may lose the workplace friendships that were part of their identity for years.

Early Experiences

Experiences in childhood in which feelings went unseen, needs were turned away or a child was often criticised can build, in adulthood, the belief that "if I get close to people I will get hurt". This belief can lead a person to keep their distance in relationships or, on the contrary, to behave in an overly anxious way. We discuss this topic in more detail in our article on attachment styles.

Thought Patterns

Beliefs such as "I'm boring", "People only want me as long as I'm useful to them" and "I shouldn't be a burden to anyone" block attempts to connect before they even begin. These thoughts often reflect not reality but fears learned in the past.

Social and Cultural Factors

Big-city life, long working hours, time spent in traffic and the cost of living reduce the time people can give each other. Where neighbourliness, neighbourhood culture and extended family ties once formed a natural support network, many people today do not even know the names of those who live in the same block. Young people who move abroad or to another city, employees who are far from their families, and parents whose children have grown up and left home may feel this change keenly. Many people who had to change city after the 6 February 2023 earthquakes carry the burden of both their losses and leaving behind the social circle they were used to.

Feeling Alone in a Crowd: Effects on Daily Life

Imagine someone in their thirties who works in a busy office. During the day they talk to dozens of people, join lunch and ring their family in the evenings. From the outside, their social life looks quite active. But they cannot think of a single person with whom they could share a disappointment or the anxiety they feel inside. Conversations always stay on the surface: work, the news, the weather. For this person, the problem is not the number of people but the depth of the relationships.

Prolonged loneliness can affect daily life in various ways:

• Emotional effects: Sadness, restlessness, anxiety, anger and shame may be felt more often.
• Cognitive effects: Distractibility, constant comparison of oneself with others and a tendency toward negative interpretations may increase.
• Physical effects: Sleep quality may suffer, and feelings of tiredness and tension may increase. Research shows that social ties play a protective role in overall health.
• Behavioural effects: Time spent in front of screens may lengthen, and behaviours such as eating or drinking alcohol may be used to fill the emotional void.

Because loneliness is seen as a shameful feeling, most people do not tell anyone about it. Yet feeling lonely is a universal feeling that almost everyone experiences at some point in their life. Even realising this can sometimes lighten the load.

How Does Loneliness Pass? Suggestions You Can Try on Your Own

Coping with loneliness is a far more subtle process than the advice to "get out more". The suggestions below can help you take small but sustainable steps.

Name the Feeling

The first step is to notice what you are going through and give it a name. Saying "I feel lonely today" is more useful than suppressing the feeling or criticising yourself. By keeping a journal, you can observe at what times and in what situations loneliness intensifies.

Question Your Thoughts

When a thought like "Nobody wants to see me" comes up, you can ask yourself: What evidence supports this thought and what does not? If a friend said the same thing to me, what would I say to them? Is this thought moving me into action, or making me withdraw? This simple questioning is one of the basic tools of the cognitive-behavioural approach.

Focus on Quality, Not Quantity

Investing in one or two deep relationships instead of ten superficial ones is often more nourishing. Sending a short message to someone you have not spoken to for a long time, but with whom you can be yourself, can be a good start.

Build Small, Regular Contacts

Bonds are usually strengthened not by one-off big meetings but by small, repeated contacts. A course you attend at the same time every week, volunteering, a walking group or a gym will over time create familiar faces and natural conversations.

Try Opening Up

Deep bonds are built through mutual and gradual self-disclosure. You do not need to tell everything at once; sharing a feeling, a difficulty or a dream gives the other person room to open up too.

Use Social Media Mindfully

Social media can be useful for staying in touch, but passively watching other people's lives can increase loneliness. Writing to someone directly, commenting or making a voice call instead of scrolling gives more meaningful contact.

Strengthen Your Relationship With Yourself

Developing a compassionate attitude towards yourself also forms the foundation of the relationships you build with others. You can try to see the moments you spend alone not as a punishment but as an opportunity to get to know yourself.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Loneliness is a feeling everyone experiences from time to time, and it often eases as life circumstances change. However, it can be useful to seek support from a mental health professional in the following situations:

• If loneliness lasts for weeks or months and affects your daily functioning
• If loneliness is accompanied by hopelessness, worthlessness, and changes in sleep and appetite
• If your attempts to connect with people are constantly left unfinished because of intense anxiety or shame
• If you turn to behaviours such as alcohol, substances, gambling or overeating to fill the emotional void
• If thoughts that life is meaningless, or thoughts of harming yourself, arise

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, do not put it off; in an emergency call 112 (emergency services in Turkey) and tell a relative you trust. These thoughts are not a burden that has to be carried alone.

How Is Loneliness Approached in Therapy?

In therapy, loneliness is approached less as a "problem" to be labelled and more as a door that opens onto understanding a person's experiences, beliefs and needs in relationships. In individual therapy, work generally takes place in the following areas:

• Thought patterns: Within the framework of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), automatic thoughts such as "people will reject me" are noticed, the evidence is reviewed, and more balanced perspectives are developed.
• Avoidance behaviours: We examine how avoiding social settings brings relief in the short term but increases loneliness in the long term. New experiences are planned in gradual steps suited to the person.
• Relationship patterns: Recurring themes in past relationships, attachment style and the skill of setting boundaries are addressed.
• Social skills and emotional expression: Work focuses on sharing feelings, asking for help and balancing reciprocity.
• Accompanying conditions: If there are conditions that feed loneliness, such as depression, social anxiety or grief, these are also assessed; an assessment by a psychiatrist may be recommended if necessary.

The therapeutic relationship itself often offers a healing experience. Experiencing a relationship in which you are listened to without judgement and your feelings are taken seriously can help a person see what is possible in other relationships too. For those who live outside the city, or who cannot make time for face-to-face sessions because of a busy schedule, online therapy can also be an option.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is feeling lonely a mental disorder?

No, loneliness is a feeling, not a diagnosis. However, when it lasts a long time, it can lay the ground for mental health difficulties such as depression and anxiety. For this reason it is important to take loneliness seriously when it becomes persistent.

Can someone who is married or in a relationship feel lonely too?

Yes. In relationships where the emotional bond with a partner has weakened and conversations are limited to everyday tasks, a person can feel very lonely. In this case it can be helpful to address communication within the relationship and, if necessary, to seek support as a couple.

How long does it take for loneliness to pass?

It is not possible to give an exact time. Loneliness linked to a life change can ease as you adjust to a new environment. Loneliness linked to more deep-rooted patterns of thinking and relating may need longer work.

I'm ashamed to tell anyone I feel lonely. What should I do?

This is a very common feeling, and shame often deepens loneliness further. You can start by sharing a little with one person you trust, or seek support from a professional to talk about your feelings in a non-judgemental setting; it is always possible to take this step.

• #loneliness
• #social connection
• #depression
• #emotional support

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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