Why won't feelings of regret fade, and why does the mind keep judging the same decision? Read practical steps for letting go of the past and how therapy helps.
"If only I had bought that flat in 2019." "If only I hadn't turned down that job offer." "If only I hadn't said those words to my father that day." Sometimes thoughts like these cross the mind for a moment and pass. At other times they keep circling in a corner of the mind for months, even years. Feelings of regret are one of the most ordinary parts of being human; we all make wrong choices. But some regrets, instead of staying in the past, begin to run the present: they keep you awake, paralyse new decisions and wear away the way you see yourself. In this article I explain what regret is for, why it sometimes simply will not let go, and what you can do to build a more peaceful relationship with your past.
What Are Feelings of Regret?
Regret is both a mental and an emotional response that arises when we think something we did, or did not do, in the past could have turned out better. It contains sadness, anger at oneself, sometimes shame and, very often, a wish to "take it back". The mind places what happened next to what might have happened and experiences the gap between them as pain.
This feeling actually has a function. Regret shows us what matters and helps us correct our future behaviour. A student who regrets not studying before an exam may act differently before the next one. In other words, healthy regret is like a teacher: it gives its lesson and then steps aside.
The problem begins where regret stops being a teacher and turns into a judge. The question is no longer "What did I learn from this?" but "How could I have made such a mistake?" That question is not looking for an answer; it only passes sentence.
Things done and things left undone
Regrets fall roughly into two groups: regret over things we did and regret over things we did not do. In the short term, people tend to dwell more on mistakes they made: a hurtful remark, a hasty decision, a bad investment. In the long term, however, what was left undone tends to weigh more heavily: the degree never studied, the city never visited, the "I love you" never said. Regret over inaction is harder to close, because its ending is unknown and the mind fills the gap with the brightest possibilities.
The Difference Between Regret and Guilt
These two feelings are often confused, but they are not the same thing. Guilt usually arises when we believe we have harmed someone else, and it carries a moral weight. Regret is broader: even if you have harmed no one, you can still feel regret, for example when you believe you chose the wrong profession.
This distinction matters, because different things help with each. With guilt, there is often a chance to repair: apologising, making amends, changing your behaviour. With regret, sometimes there is nothing left to repair; the opportunity has passed, the flat has been sold, those years have been lived. In that case the task is not repair but acceptance and finding a new direction. If you are curious about the guilt that can follow a loss, you may want to read the article on guilt in grief.
Why Won't Feelings of Regret Go Away?
Many people ask, "So much time has passed, why can't I get it out of my head?" This has nothing to do with laziness or weak willpower. There are some familiar mechanisms that tie the mind to the past.
Judging yesterday with today's knowledge
In psychology there is a tendency known as hindsight bias, or in everyday terms "being wise after the event": once we learn how something turned out, we believe the outcome was obvious from the start. Imagine someone who, a few years ago, chose to keep their savings in the bank rather than buy a home. Then property prices multiplied. Today they blame themselves: "How could I not have seen it?" Yet on that day they had no way of knowing prices would rise so much, nor was today's picture in front of them when they made the decision. They are actually judging their past self not by what they knew then, but by what they know now.
"What if" scenarios
The mind is remarkably skilled at constructing alternatives that never happened. The trouble is that the scenarios it builds are almost always ideal. When we say, "If I had accepted that offer, I would have a different life now", we never account for the difficulties that other life might have brought. Real life, with all its rough edges, is compared with an imagined alternative in its smooth version. Real life loses that comparison every single time.
Rumination: the loop that looks like thinking
When regret does not fade, there is often rumination in the background, that is, turning the same thought over and over without reaching a resolution. Rumination resembles problem-solving, but there is one difference: problem-solving arrives at a conclusion and an action, whereas rumination returns to where it started. If you lie down in bed at night and replay the same conversation in your head for the twentieth time, and it ends with the same pain every time, this is probably not thinking but rumination.
The hidden function of self-punishment
Sometimes letting go of regret feels like a kind of betrayal. Thoughts such as "If I stop thinking about this, it will seem as though I don't care about what happened" or "I deserve to suffer" turn into a silent contract that keeps regret alive. Without realising it, the person believes that if they grieve enough, the mistake will somehow be paid for. Yet years of inner punishment neither bring back what was lost nor make the person better; most of the time it simply costs them the present as well. Noticing this contract is the precondition for rewriting it. You might try asking yourself: "Who or what actually benefits from my continuing to carry this pain, and how?" The answer is often "nothing", and that answer is the first step towards giving yourself permission to let go.
When you judge your past self, summon to the courtroom the information, the fears and the options you had on that day as well; otherwise the trial will not be fair.
Which Regrets Last Longer?
Some regrets fade within a few days; others grow old alongside the person. Several features make it easier for regret to become lasting:
- Being tied to identity: reaching the conclusion "I am someone who always makes the wrong decisions" instead of "I made a wrong decision".
- No possibility of making amends: a loved one who has been lost, an opportunity that has closed, a period of time that will not return.
- Others constantly bringing it up: this is common in extended family relationships in Turkey. A subject raised at the holiday table, such as "If only you had listened to us back then", can refresh a person's regret every single year.
- Comparison: someone who made a different choice at the same time, for instance a cousin who bought land with the same savings, being constantly in view.
- The decision having been made alone: decisions taken without consultation, in haste or under pressure are carried more heavily. Acting as a guarantor for a relative's loan is a typical example; this is discussed separately in the article on regret after co-signing a loan.
Over time, regret can also merge into a depressive picture. The person starts to feel worthless, believes they will make the wrong choices in the future too, and avoids making new decisions. At this point regret is no longer about a single event but has turned into a general verdict the person holds about themselves.
Steps to Stop Getting Stuck in the Past
Forcing regret into silence usually does not work; a suppressed thought tends to come back more often. Instead, it is possible to build a different relationship with it. You can try the steps below at your own pace.
1. Reconstruct the moment of decision
Take a sheet of paper and write about the day you made the decision you regret in as much detail as possible. What did you know that day? What were you afraid of? Who was telling you what? What were your finances, your health and your relationships like? The aim of this exercise is not to acquit yourself but to put the decision back into its real context. Most people, as they write, notice that the decision they made that day was understandable under those conditions.
2. Separate what can be repaired from what cannot
Is there still something that can be done within your regret? An apology, a phone call, returning to an education you left halfway, sending a message to a sibling you have fallen out with? If so, plan that small action instead of ruminating. If there is nothing left that can be done, your task changes: the issue is no longer fixing it, but grieving this loss and learning to carry it.
3. Turn "if only" into "from now on"
Every "if only" hides a value. The sentence "If only I had spent more time with my mother" tells you how much family matters to you. The sentence "If only I hadn't chosen that degree" shows that you are looking for meaning in your work. Write down your regret, and underneath it add your answer to the question: "What does this tell me about what matters to me, and how can I keep it alive from now on?"
4. Put limits on rumination
Rather than banning the thought completely, set aside time for it. For example, designate fifteen minutes each evening as "regret time". When the subject comes to mind during the day, tell yourself "I'll think about this in the evening" and bring your attention back to what you are doing at that moment. At the designated time, put your thoughts down in writing. Writing gives circling thoughts a beginning and an end. For many people, this method can noticeably reduce the way the thought spreads across the whole day.
5. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend
If a close friend had made the same mistake, what would you say to them? Most likely you would say "You did all you could that day" or "Nobody could have known that". With yourself, you may be using far harsher language. Noticing this difference is the first step towards self-compassion. Self-compassion is not escaping responsibility; it is seeing the mistake without crushing yourself with it.
6. Adopt a "good enough" standard for new decisions
People who believe they made the wrong decision in the past may start searching for the flawless option in new decisions. This leads to postponing decisions, and postponement creates new regrets. For an important decision, give yourself a set amount of time, consult two or three people you trust, and then choose the "good enough" option that meets your needs. Accepting that no decision removes every risk eases anxiety about decision-making.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Regret does not always require the support of a specialist. However, it may be helpful to talk to a mental health professional in the following situations:
- The same regret has been occupying your mind for hours a day for weeks or months
- Your sleep, appetite or performance at work is affected by it
- General, harsh judgements about yourself, such as "I'm useless", have taken root
- You have started to avoid making new decisions altogether
- The regret is accompanied by intense shame, hopelessness or thoughts that life is not worth living
These signs do not in themselves mean a diagnosis; however, they may indicate that the regret has become entangled with a depressive process. If you are thinking of harming yourself or do not feel safe, please call 112 (emergency services) without any delay.
How Are Feelings of Regret Approached in Therapy?
In cognitive behavioural therapy, the thoughts and loops that feed regret are identified first. Thoughts such as "I should have known this" or "I ruined my life" are examined together in light of the evidence and the real context. When rumination starts, what triggers it and which activities it pulls the person away from are mapped out. Then new steps, in line with the person's values, are added to their present life.
The schema therapy perspective helps us understand why some people are so merciless towards themselves. Someone who grew up in an environment where mistakes were harshly punished, or where love depended on achievement, may carry a "punitive judge" in their inner voice as an adult. In therapy, the origins of this voice become visible, and in its place a more compassionate inner voice that still takes responsibility is strengthened.
Techniques from acceptance and commitment therapy are also useful when working with regret: rather than arguing with the thought, taking a little distance from it, being able to say "My mind is telling me that story again", and directing attention to what matters today. If you are considering individual work on these issues, you can find information about the process on the individual therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do feelings of regret ever go away completely?
Most of the time, the subject of the regret remains in memory, but the pain and frequency that accompany it decrease markedly. The goal is not to forget what happened but to be able to think about it without drowning. This is a process that requires time and conscious effort.
Isn't it healthier never to feel regret at all?
Although the phrase "I regret nothing" sounds strong, being able to feel regret means being able to learn from mistakes and to care about other people's feelings. The problem is not that regret exists, but that it grows large enough to imprison a person in the past.
Is it normal to still feel regret about a decision I made years ago?
This is very common, especially with decisions that changed the course of a life. Anniversaries, encounters or similar situations can revive old regrets. If these memories noticeably restrict your daily life, talking to a specialist can make the process easier.
Should I talk to the person I feel regret about?
If the relationship is safe and an apology or explanation would also be good for the other person, this conversation can be a relief for both of you. However, if the only purpose of the conversation is to unload your own guilt, or if it would place a new burden on the other person, it may be better to think it through first with someone you trust or in therapy.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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