How is the grief process experienced and how long does it last? Read about normal reactions after a loss, signs of prolonged grief and ways to help you cope.
After losing someone you love, the world can suddenly feel as though it has been knocked off its axis. While funeral arrangements, condolence visits and everyday responsibilities carry on, a hard-to-describe emptiness, longing and bewilderment grows inside you. The grief process is a deeply human and natural process that covers all the emotional, mental, physical and behavioural reactions that follow a loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; each person experiences their loss in their own way and at their own pace. In this article I will look at the reactions commonly seen after a loss, the factors that influence the course of grief, the signs of prolonged grief, and how you can support yourself and your loved ones during this difficult time.
What Is the Grief Process?
Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of someone or something that is loved and to which we are attached. Although it is mostly associated with the death of a loved one, grief is not limited to death. Divorce or separation, loss of health, loss of a job or profession, being cut off from your hometown and a familiar life because of migration, pregnancy loss or the death of a pet can all lead to grief reactions.
Grief is not an illness. On the contrary, it is a reflection of love and attachment. The more meaningful the person or thing we have lost was to us, the more time and effort it may take to get used to their absence. For this reason, it can be more helpful to see grief not as "a problem to be got over" but as a process of adjustment in which we try to find a place for the loss in our lives.
Are there really stages of grief?
When people think of grief, the five stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance often come to mind. Although this model offers a framework for understanding grief reactions, experts today emphasise that grief does not follow these stages in order or in a neat pattern. Many people experience these feelings intertwined, in waves that come and go, or without experiencing some of them at all. It is healthier to accept your own grief as it is than to try to fit it into a template.
What Are Normal Reactions After a Loss?
The reactions that follow a loss can be very varied, and most are an ordinary part of grief.
Emotional reactions
- Deep sadness, longing and yearning,
- Shock, disbelief and numbness,
- Anger: directed at the person who was lost, at yourself, at doctors, at life or at God,
- Guilt: thoughts such as "I could have done more" or "Our last conversation shouldn't have been like that",
- Anxiety and fear: worries about whether life can go on and whether there will be other losses,
- Relief: a feeling, especially after a long illness, that is felt and often creates guilt.
Physical reactions
- Tiredness and loss of energy,
- Changes in sleep and appetite,
- Tightness in the chest, a lump in the throat,
- Headaches and muscle tension.
Mental and behavioural reactions
- Thinking constantly about the person who was lost, replaying memories of them in the mind,
- Difficulty concentrating and forgetfulness,
- Thinking you hear the person's voice or sense their presence,
- Keeping their belongings or, on the contrary, avoiding seeing them,
- Withdrawing from social settings, or keeping constantly busy so as not to be alone.
Grief is love searching for somewhere to go; the more you loved, the deeper your longing may be.
Some of these reactions can feel quite intense, especially in the first months after the loss. Over time the intensity generally lessens; however, on special days, religious holidays, birthdays and at the anniversary of the loss, feelings can rise again. This too is part of the natural course of grief.
How Long Does the Grief Process Last?
Grief has no fixed duration. Some people can return largely to their daily lives within a few months, while for others the process may take longer. There are many factors that affect the duration and intensity of grief:
- The nature of the loss: Was it an expected loss, or sudden and unexpected? Traumatic losses such as accidents, disasters and suicide can make grief more complicated.
- The nature of the relationship: How close the bond with the person who was lost was, unresolved matters in the relationship and the level of dependence.
- The age of the person who was lost: The loss of a child or a young adult can be especially difficult because it goes against the natural course of life.
- Social support: The support received from those around you and the safe relationships in which a person can share their feelings.
- Concurrent stresses: Financial difficulties, moving house, other losses or mental health problems.
Some losses are not sufficiently recognised by those around. Pregnancy loss, the death of a pet, the loss of a former partner or a life left behind because of migration may not always be accepted as grief in society. In these situations, which experts call "disenfranchised grief", a person may feel more alone because they cannot find a space to share their pain. Yet, regardless of whether those around them approve, every loss deserves to be lived through and understood.
The aim of grief is not to forget the person who was lost. Over time, many people find a way of continuing their bond with the person they loved in a different form, carrying the memories into their lives and reconnecting with life.
Grief in Turkey: Traditions, Collective Losses and the Family
In our culture, grief is often lived within the community. Funeral ceremonies, condolence visits, meals, mevlit (prayers recited in memory of the deceased) and commemorative traditions such as the fortieth day and the fifty-second day are important rituals that let the bereaved person feel they are not alone. The way neighbours and relatives fill the house in the first days is a great source of support for many people.
However, when the rituals come to an end and the crowd disperses, the grieving person can suddenly feel alone. It is natural for those around them to return to their own lives, but for the person who has experienced the loss, the really hard period often begins at this point. In addition, well-meaning but feeling-suppressing words such as "Don't cry, the dead don't come back", "You must be strong" and "You need to pull yourself together now" can make it harder for a person to go through their grief. The expectation that men in particular should not show their feelings can cause grief to be turned inward.
The 6 February 2023 earthquakes created a deep and collective grief in our society. Many people lost more than one loved one, their home and their hometown all at once. Some families had a particular difficulty completing their grief because they could not reach their relatives' bodies or had no chance to say goodbye. I have also discussed such situations, in which trauma and grief are intertwined, in the article on post-traumatic stress disorder.
What Can You Do to Cope With Grief?
There is no way to speed up grief; however, it is possible to make the process a little more bearable.
Allow your feelings
Crying, being angry, laughing or feeling nothing at all: all of these can be part of grief. Making room for your feelings rather than suppressing them makes healing easier in the long run.
Talk about your loss
Remembering the person you lost, sharing memories of them and not being afraid to say their name supports the natural flow of grief. It can help to talk to a relative you trust, to someone who has experienced a similar loss or to a professional.
Look after your basic needs
In the early stages of grief it is easy to neglect eating, sleeping and resting. Simple, regular meals, short walks and making time to rest help your body carry this load.
Consider postponing important decisions
Where possible, postponing important steps such as moving house, changing jobs or making major financial decisions during the first months after a loss can help you make healthier choices.
Find your own ways of remembering
Writing a letter, putting together a photo album, visiting a place the person you lost loved, or doing a kindness in their name can be meaningful ways of keeping your bond alive.
Be prepared for hard days
As religious holidays, birthdays and anniversaries approach, thinking in advance about how you want to spend these days and asking for support from your loved ones can help you get through these times a little more easily.
Don't compare yourself with others
Even family members who have experienced the same loss can grieve in very different ways. One may want to talk all the time while another prefers silence; one may return to work quickly while another needs longer. These differences do not mean that one loved the person less than the other. Allowing room for these differences in yourself and in others in your family during the grieving process can reduce resentment within the family.
Sharing grief with children
Children grieve too, but they may show it differently from adults. It is important to explain death in language that is suited to their age, open and honest, and to avoid confusing expressions such as "he's gone on a long journey" or "she's sleeping". Answering children's questions patiently and making room for them to express their feelings helps them to go through their grief in a healthy way.
What Is Prolonged Grief? When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Most people manage, with time and the support of those around them, to find a place for their loss in their lives. In some people, however, grief reactions keep their intensity for a long time and markedly limit daily life. This is described by experts as "prolonged grief".
The signs of prolonged grief may include the following:
- Intense longing and constant preoccupation with the person who was lost, even though a long time has passed since the loss,
- Marked difficulty accepting the loss, or being unable to believe the reality of the loss,
- Feeling as though a part of your identity has been lost,
- Intense avoidance of everything that reminds you of the loss,
- A feeling that life is meaningless or empty,
- Marked loss of functioning at work, in the family and in social life,
- Difficulty reconnecting with life and making plans for the future.
These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; an assessment should be made by a professional. Grief and depression can also sometimes overlap. If intense feelings of worthlessness, constant hopelessness and a loss of pleasure spreading to all areas of life accompany your grief, the article on the symptoms of depression may guide you.
If you are having thoughts of ending your life in order to be reunited with the person you lost, or thoughts of harming yourself, please do not try to carry this alone. In an emergency call 112 (emergency services in Turkey) or go to the nearest emergency department. If sleep problems and accompanying depression are marked, whether medication support is needed is determined by the assessment of a psychiatrist.
How Is Grief Approached in Therapy?
Grief therapy does not aim to make you forget the loss or take away the pain. The aim is to accompany the person as they make sense of their loss in a safe setting, express their feelings and reconnect with life.
In therapy, work generally focuses on the following:
- Telling the story of the loss: Sharing, to the extent the person feels ready, how the loss was experienced, their memories of those days and their feelings.
- Addressing guilt and anger: Talking about the "if onlys", the things left unsaid and unresolved matters.
- Working with avoidance: Noticing the life-narrowing effects of avoiding places, belongings and feelings that remind the person of the loss, and reducing it gradually.
- The continuing bond: Continuing the bond with the person who was lost in a new form through memories, values and rituals.
- Reconnecting with life: The person setting new goals in line with their own values and returning to meaningful activities.
Cognitive behavioural therapy is one of the approaches used to address the patterns of thought and behaviour that make grief harder. When working with children and adolescents who have experienced loss, age-appropriate methods such as play, drawing and stories are used. You can find out about individual work for adults on the individual therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does the grief process last?
Grief has no fixed duration and is different for every person. The nature of the loss, the closeness of the relationship and the support received all affect it. What matters is being able, over time, to take part in daily life again and to find a place for the loss within life.
Months have passed since my loss but I'm still crying. Is this normal?
Yes, even months later, moments of longing and crying can be an ordinary part of grief. It is expected that feelings will intensify again, especially on special days. However, if intense pain has been limiting your daily life for a long time, it can be helpful to speak to a professional.
How can I support a loved one who is grieving?
It is important to listen without judging, not to be afraid to say the name of the person they lost, and to avoid expressions that suppress their feelings, such as "Be strong". Concrete forms of support, such as bringing food or helping with daily chores, are also very valuable. Continuing to be there in the weeks and months after the funeral makes a big difference in this process.
Is going to therapy for grief a weakness?
No. Asking for support is not a weakness but a form of care you show yourself and the loss you have experienced. Therapy offers a safe space in which you can go through your grief without being judged, at your own pace. If you feel alone in this process, simply knowing that it is possible to talk to a professional can be a sufficient beginning.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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