How do you calm down when you are angry? Read concrete steps for the first ninety seconds of anger, the minutes that follow and the time after it has passed.
Someone in the family WhatsApp group has posted the same pointed remark again. Or customer services have kept you on hold for forty minutes and then cut you off. Perhaps you are explaining the same maths problem to your child for the fourth time and you can hear your voice rising. Your face is getting hot, your heart is pounding in your chest, and your fingers are about to type a fast, sharp message. Right at that moment, what you do in the next few minutes can shape the rest of the day, and perhaps a relationship. The question of how to calm down when angry is usually asked after the anger has passed, with regret. This article, however, focuses on the moment itself: on the concrete steps you can take in the first ninety seconds of anger, in the minutes that follow, and once the storm has died down. Our aim is not for you to suppress your anger, but to bring it down to a manageable intensity so that you can then choose what to do.
What Happens When You Get Angry? Your Body Within Seconds
Anger is a rapid response from the brain's threat-detection system. When you perceive an injustice, an obstacle or disrespect, the body springs into action before you have had a chance to think about what is happening. The heart speeds up, breathing becomes shallow and fast, muscles tense, the face flushes and sounds seem sharper. Attention narrows and locks only on to whatever has made you angry.
At this moment, the activity of the part of the brain that plans and weighs consequences temporarily decreases. That is why words spoken at the peak of anger so often make us say afterwards, "Did I really say that?" Expecting to make a good decision in an angry moment is like sitting a maths exam with a high fever.
The good news is this: the first chemical wave that comes with anger is relatively short-lived. If you do not feed it with new thoughts, the body starts to slow down by itself. The problem is that most of us immediately say or do something within that first wave and so make the wave grow again. The essence of calming down is getting through these first minutes without causing harm.
How to Calm Down When Angry: The First 90 Seconds
At the most intense moment of anger, complicated techniques are not remembered. That is why the steps below are simple and physical. Trying them a few times when you are calm makes it easier to remember them in the real moment.
1. Stop, and keep your mouth closed
The first rule is the hardest: say nothing, write nothing, send nothing at that moment. Put the phone in your hand down on the table. Say only "Just a minute" to the person in front of you. This short silence buys time for the anger to slow down before it turns into words.
2. Breathe in twice and breathe out long
Take a breath in through your nose, and when your lungs are full, add one more short breath on top; then breathe out slowly and at length through your mouth. Repeat this two or three times. A long out-breath activates the body's calming system and helps slow the heartbeat. You do not need to bother counting; what matters is that the out-breath is longer than the in-breath.
3. Name the feeling
Say to yourself, or even silently with your lips, what you are feeling: "I'm really angry right now." Better still, add the feeling underneath it: "I felt belittled." Research shows that putting a feeling into words helps settle the brain's alarm response. A feeling that has been named turns into something you observe rather than something that controls you.
4. Change your body's position
If you are standing, sit down. If you notice your fists, open your hands and place your palms on your knees. Relax your jaw and drop your shoulders. Anger puts the body into an attack position; deliberately breaking this position sends the brain the message "there's no need to fight". Deliberately lower your voice too; it is almost impossible to shout in a quiet voice.
5. Come back to your senses
Anger locks attention on to a single point. To unlock it, silently count three objects you can see around you, two sounds you can hear and one surface you are touching. Holding your hand around a cold glass or under the tap is also a powerful sensory stimulus that brings the body back to the present.
There is no single right answer to the question of how to calm down when angry; for some people breathing works better, for others movement, for others naming the feeling. What matters is discovering by trying which one works in your own body.
You do not need to do all five of these steps. Choose whichever feels most natural to you as your "emergency step" and practise it.
The Next Twenty Minutes: Putting Out the Flames
When the first wave has passed, anger often does not disappear completely; it keeps smouldering like embers. What you do during this period determines whether the embers flare up again.
Leave the situation temporarily. Say to the other person, "I can't talk in a healthy way right now; let's carry on in twenty minutes", and go to another room, the balcony or outside. It is important to present this not as an escape but as a way of protecting the conversation. And come back, as you promised.
Move. Going up and down the stairs or walking briskly around the building is the most direct way to shake the energy created by anger out of your body.
Don't replay the event in your head. What feeds anger most is replaying what happened over and over in your mind and rehearsing the sentences you will say to the other person. When you notice this, deliberately turn your attention to something else: a song, a puzzle, washing the dishes.
Check your body's needs. Ask yourself: Am I hungry, am I very tired, have I slept badly? Each of these lowers the threshold for anger. Eating something or drinking a glass of water can make far more of a difference than you might think.
Write it, but don't send it. Write down what you want to say on a piece of paper or in your phone's notes. This gives the pent-up words an outlet. Leave sending it for at least a few hours, and if possible until the next day. Very often, when you read it in the morning, you will realise you do not want to send it.
Stay away from some "relievers". Punching a pillow, letting it all out by shouting or hitting objects may seem to bring relief, but they often keep anger alive rather than reducing it. Drinking alcohol while angry weakens self-control; chain-smoking or caffeinated drinks also keep the body at its already high level of arousal. Pay attention to whether the way you have chosen to calm down leaves you better or more tense an hour later.
A reply given in anger is quick, but you pay for it for a long time; the few minutes you wait in order to calm down cost almost nothing.
In Traffic, at Home, at Work: How to Calm Down When Angry
Anger often appears in familiar scenes. Each scene has its own small solutions.
In traffic: A car cutting in front of you, a finger pressed on the horn or a wait at a red light that drags on... Getting angry behind the wheel can lead both to dangerous decisions and to confrontations. Putting on calming music or a podcast when you get into the car, setting off a little earlier and thinking "I don't know where that driver is rushing to" can help. We look at this subject in detail in our article on road rage.
At home, with a child: When you feel your patience running out while helping with homework, getting ready for school in the morning or at bedtime in the evening, taking a short break is often the most effective approach: "Mum needs to take a breath; let's carry on in five minutes." This is also a living example that shows your child how to manage their own feelings.
With the extended family: A comment from your mother-in-law, an old subject brought up at the holiday table, a pointed message in the family group... In these situations, rather than responding straight away, saying "Let's talk about this later", or dealing with the subject privately with your partner, prevents an argument from growing in front of everyone.
At work: When you are criticised in a meeting or a colleague dumps their responsibility on you, writing your first reaction in a notebook and saying "I'll think about this and get back to you" protects your professional reputation. Not replying to emails while you are angry is one of the most valuable rules of working life.
Let's say someone comes home in the evening, sees that their partner has once again not done the washing-up, and feels their anger rising. Instead of starting to grumble straight away, they first leave the kitchen, change their clothes, drink a glass of water and ask themselves: "Is it really the dishes I'm angry about, or the tiredness of the whole day and feeling alone?" This short pause can turn an evening that would have ended in a row into a calm conversation about sharing the housework.
After the Anger Has Passed: Repair and Learning
Calming down is not only about getting through the moment; what comes afterwards is at least as important.
Apologise if necessary. If you said something hurtful in anger, owning it once you have calmed down repairs the relationship. Saying "Maybe I was right to be angry, but it wasn't right for me to shout at you" treats both your own feeling and the other person with respect. It is important not to carry on the apology with "but you also...".
Talk about the real issue. Beneath anger there is often an unmet need or an unresolved problem. At a calm time, raise this issue without blame, as a concrete request.
Make a brief note of the event. What happened, what did you feel, which step worked and which did not? A few weeks of notes show in which conditions your anger flares up easily and which way of calming down is most effective for you.
Show yourself compassion too. You will not calm down perfectly every time. Handling one moment of anger badly does not mean you have not changed. What matters is being able to notice it a few seconds earlier next time.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Getting angry now and then is part of being human. However, it is helpful to seek support from a professional in the following situations:
- If you have angry outbursts almost every day and feel intense regret afterwards
- If you find it hard to control your anger even though you have tried the calming steps
- If your relationships, your work or your bond with your children are being damaged by your anger
- If, in moments of anger, you damage objects, slam doors or behave threateningly
- If you feel constantly on edge and tense, and flare up at the slightest thing
If you live with a constant state of irritability, our article on getting angry easily may also guide you. For a more comprehensive framework on how to manage anger in general, you can also look at our article on anger control.
If there is a risk of harming yourself or someone else in a moment of anger, or if there is physical violence at home, this is an emergency; call 112 (emergency services) without delay.
How Are Moments of Anger Worked On in Therapy?
In therapy, anger is treated not as an enemy to be suppressed but as an emotion to be understood and channelled. In cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), a detailed map of moments of anger is drawn first: What was the trigger, what thought went through your mind, what did you feel in your body, what did you do and what was the outcome? This map shows at which point the anger can be stopped.
In sessions, calming skills are practised; difficult moments from real life are re-created through imagination, and new responses are tried out in these moments. Interpretations that inflame anger, such as "They're disrespecting me" or "They're doing it on purpose", are noticed and compared with more balanced alternatives. Communication skills that allow you to express yourself clearly but respectfully are also an important part of the process.
Sometimes deeper wounds lie beneath sudden anger: being constantly criticised in childhood, being treated unfairly or having your feelings never taken seriously. Schema-focused work can help you see the connection between today's anger reactions and these old experiences. Individual therapy can be carried out face to face or online.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I cry when I get angry?
Anger and sadness are often intertwined; tears may come especially when there is hurt, helplessness or a sense of injustice beneath the anger. Some people also release the feeling as tears because they never learned to express anger outwardly. This is not a weakness but one of the body's ways of regulating an intense emotion.
Why do my hands shake when I get angry?
In a moment of anger, the body's alarm system kicks in and energy is sent rapidly to the muscles. When this energy is not used, it can be felt as trembling in the hands or restlessness in the legs. A long out-breath and gentle movement can help the trembling pass.
Is it disrespectful to leave the room in the middle of an argument?
It depends on how it is done. Slamming the door and leaving without saying anything can make the other person feel abandoned. But leaving with the words "I can't talk calmly right now; I'll come back in twenty minutes", and actually coming back, is a respectful way of protecting the relationship.
Why do I get even angrier when someone tells me to "calm down"?
Telling an angry person to "calm down" often sends the message that their feeling is being dismissed or exaggerated, and this increases the anger. Asking the people close to you to say something like "I can see you're really angry right now; shall we take a break?" instead can help. Making this kind of agreement at a calm time makes things easier for both of you in a moment of anger.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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