How do you get over trauma, and does recovery mean forgetting? Read about the stages of recovery after trauma, the steps that help and the role therapy plays.
"Just forget about it." "It was God's will, be thankful." "Look, it's been two years, still?" After going through a difficult event, these sentences from those around you, however well-meant, often leave you feeling alone. Because you want to forget too; but your mind, your body and your sleep will not let you. How to get over trauma is perhaps, for this very reason, one of the questions people most want answered and receive the least realistic answers to. There is no magic technique or shortcut; but recovery is possible, and this road has a certain logic to it. In this article I will try to explain what recovering from trauma means, the stages it goes through, what you can do, which traps make the process harder and how therapy fits into this journey.
How to Get Over Trauma: First, What Does "Getting Over It" Mean?
Many people think of getting over trauma as forgetting what happened completely or never remembering it. Yet it is not possible to erase an event that happened from memory, and that is not the goal of recovery either.
Getting over trauma means that the effect of that memory on you today changes. Your body not raising the alarm when you remember the event, the memory not dragging you back to that day, being able to remember it as "the past"... Specialists describe this as the traumatic memory becoming "integrated" into the person's life story. The memory stays where it is; but it no longer runs the present.
So when we ask how to get over trauma, what we are really asking is, "How can I live more lightly with this memory?" This definition matters, because it changes expectations. Instead of the thought "I still remember, so I haven't recovered", the thought "I remember, but it no longer shakes me as much as it did" can be a realistic measure of recovery.
Recovery Is Not a Straight Line: The Stages of Recovering After Trauma
Recovery after trauma often does not follow a straight line. After weeks that go well, you may feel as though you have slipped back because of an anniversary, a news story or an unexpected trigger. This does not mean the process has failed. Still, as a general framework, three main stages of recovery can be described:
- Safety and stabilisation: First, the body and daily life need to settle back onto safe ground. Sleep, nutrition, shelter, basic routines and skills for coping with intense emotions are the subject of this stage.
- Making sense and processing: Once safe ground has been established, the event is addressed to the extent the person is ready for; feelings, thoughts and bodily reactions become understandable.
- Reconnecting with life: Returning to areas that have been avoided, repairing relationships, finding new meanings and goals. In this stage some people also notice that they have experienced unexpected inner growth after the trauma.
These stages can overlap, and from time to time it may be necessary to return to an earlier stage.
What Can Be Done in the First Weeks After Trauma?
In the period immediately after the event, the aim is not to "sort everything out" but to stay on your feet and make the ground firmer.
- Prioritise basic needs: Eating, drinking water, trying to sleep, being somewhere warm and safe. These seemingly simple steps are fundamental for the nervous system to settle.
- Set up a simple daily routine: Getting up at the same time every day, eating at set times, a short walk. In the midst of uncertainty, even a little predictability helps.
- Don't stay alone: Even if you don't want to talk, being near people you trust sends a signal of safety to the nervous system.
- Don't push others, and don't let yourself be pushed, to talk: Some people want to describe the event straight away; others do not want to talk about it at all. Both are ordinary. Respect your own pace.
- Limit exposure to images: Watching news, videos and social media posts about the event over and over can deepen the traumatic impact.
- Don't turn to alcohol or drugs: Although they bring short-term numbness, they disrupt sleep and make it harder to process feelings.
How to Get Over Trauma: Steps That Help in the Long Term
Learn to regulate your body
Trauma keeps the body constantly in "danger" mode. That is why recovery often begins in the body before the mind. Simple methods such as breathing out slowly and at length, pressing your feet into the floor while counting five objects around you, or splashing your face with cold water can bring you back to the present in an intense moment. For details of these methods, you can take a look at the article on grounding techniques.
Reduce avoidance step by step
Avoiding everything that reminds you of the event keeps the fear alive. Listing the avoided situations from least frightening to most frightening and climbing this list in small steps, at your own pace, allows the brain to relearn that "This place is safe now". However, situations that contain a real danger should not go on this list; the aim is to approach reminders that are no longer dangerous, not danger itself.
Tell your story piece by piece
Traumatic memories are often scattered, fragmented and timeless; they feel as if they are still happening. When you are ready, writing the event down as a story with a beginning, middle and end, or sharing it with someone you trust, can help organise the memory as an event that "belongs in the past". If this step stirs up very intense emotions, it is safer to do it together with a professional.
Face guilt and shame
"Why didn't I run?", "Why didn't I do something?", "Why am I alive when they died?" It is very common for people to blame themselves after trauma. Yet freezing in a moment of danger is an automatic survival response of the body, not a conscious choice. When looking back, separating what you know now from what you knew at that moment can lighten the load of guilt.
Keep your support network alive
One of the strongest protective factors in recovery is a person feeling understood and supported. This support does not have to be a crowd; even one or two trustworthy relationships make a big difference. Coming together with people who have had a similar experience also strengthens the feeling that "I'm not the only one who has been through this". But if your support network keeps pressing you to "pull yourself together by now", choosing people who can listen to you without judging is also a way of protecting yourself.
Make room for meaning and growth
Over time some people notice that, after the pain they went through, their relationships have deepened, their priorities have changed or they have rediscovered their own strength. This does not mean making the pain beautiful; pain and growth can exist side by side. The article on post-traumatic growth offers an inspiring framework on this.
Traps That Make Recovery Harder
- Trying to forget: Trying to suppress thoughts often makes them come back more often and more strongly.
- The pressure of "I have to be strong": People seen as the pillar of the family in particular make a huge effort not to show their feelings. This effort drains the energy needed for recovery.
- Comparing yourself with others: The thought "They went through worse than me, but they recovered" leads you to belittle your own process.
- Leaving everything to time: Time softens many wounds; but some traumas, when they are not addressed, can stay at the same intensity for years.
- Setting yourself a deadline: Setting a rigid timetable such as "It should be gone within six months" makes you feel like a failure every time you slip back. The pace of recovery varies from person to person; what matters is that the direction is forwards.
- Being exposed again and again: Watching images, news or recordings of the event uncontrollably creates not recovery but fresh injury.
Let's say a young mother who moved in with relatives in Ankara after the 6 February earthquakes cannot sleep at night in the new home. The flat is on a high floor; every night before getting into bed she puts her bag by the door and keeps her children's shoes ready. During the day she cannot stop herself watching earthquake videos on her phone. Those around her say, "The earthquake risk is low here, relax"; but this sentence does not calm her, because her fear comes not from a lack of information but from her body still being in danger mode. For her, the first step might be limiting the videos, setting up a small calming routine before sleep and beginning to talk about what she went through in a safe setting.
Trauma Affects the Whole Home: Families and Children
Trauma is often something experienced not by one person but by the whole family. When a parent is constantly on alert, irritable or withdrawn, children feel it even if they cannot understand it in words. Children largely read whether the world is safe from the reactions of the adults around them. That is why, in a family, the answer to how to get over trauma includes not only individual steps but also steps taken as a family.
A few suggestions for families in this period:
- Explain what happened to children in short, honest language suited to their age; hiding it completely often leads a child's imagination to produce even more frightening scenarios.
- Keep up routines at home as much as possible: mealtimes, a bedtime story, the school routine. Routine is the language of safety for children.
- Don't try to hide your own feelings completely; but share your most intense moments with another adult, in a way that does not burden the child.
- Each member of the family may experience the event differently. One may want to talk a lot while another does not want to talk at all; respecting these differences prevents new resentments from arising within the family.
Making time for your own recovery is not selfish; it is a way of creating safe ground for your children too.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The steps you can take on your own are valuable; but trauma is not always a burden that has to be got over alone. It is important to see a professional in the following situations:
- If the symptoms are not easing even though a month or more has passed since the event,
- If nightmares, intrusive images and being constantly on alert are restricting your life,
- If your work, school or relationships are being damaged because of avoidance,
- If your use of alcohol or other substances has increased,
- If you feel intense guilt, shame or hopelessness.
If you are having thoughts of ending your life or harming yourself, do not put it off; tell someone close to you and a professional straight away. In emergencies, call 112 (emergency services) or go to the nearest emergency department. If the symptoms are severe, an assessment by a psychiatrist may also be needed.
How Is Trauma Addressed in Therapy?
Trauma therapy is not about forcing a person to recount the event from the very beginning down to the finest detail. In a way similar to the stages described above, the process begins with safety and stabilisation. Once the person has gained skills for coping with intense emotions, the work moves on to processing traumatic memories.
Approaches whose effectiveness in this area has been shown by research include:
- Trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy: Examining the thoughts that settled in after the event ("It was my fault", "The world is completely dangerous"), addressing the memory safely and gradually reducing avoidance.
- EMDR: A structured approach based on reprocessing traumatic memories alongside bilateral stimulation. For details, you can take a look at the article on what EMDR is.
- Schema-focused work: Particularly in long-lasting, relational traumas stemming from childhood, addressing the person's deep-rooted beliefs about themselves and others.
Which approach is suitable is decided together, according to the type of trauma, the person's needs and their readiness.
Recovering is not forgetting what happened; it is being able to stay in the present even while remembering it.
You can read about how this is worked on individually on the individual therapy page. If you had to move to another city after the event, sessions can also take place online.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it possible to forget trauma completely?
It is not possible to erase an event that happened from memory, and that is not the goal of recovery either. The aim is to reduce the effect the memory has on you today. Many people notice that, as they recover, they are no longer as shaken as before, even when they remember the event.
Do I have to describe the event from the beginning in therapy?
No. Trauma therapy moves at the person's own pace. In the first sessions there is no need to go into the details of the event; first a relationship of trust is built and coping skills are strengthened. Addressing the memories comes up only when the person feels ready.
How long does trauma therapy take?
This varies according to the type of trauma, how long it went on and the person's needs. With trauma linked to a single event the process may be shorter, while trauma stemming from childhood and repeated over time may need longer work. Goals agreed together with the therapist help clarify the course of the process.
In the first days after the event, is it better to talk or to stay silent?
There is no single right answer for everyone. Some people need to talk about it straight away; others want to stay quiet for a while. What matters is not forcing anyone to talk, but making sure they know there is someone who will listen when they want to.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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