Do you live in a different city from your spouse because of a posting or work? Read about the emotional load, reunion rows and ways to protect your bond.
A suitcase at the coach station on Friday evening, an eight-hour journey, a reunion lasting two days and, on Sunday evening, the same coach station again. Or the reverse: someone who sees their spouse off every Monday morning and is left alone with the children five days a week. Teachers, police officers, nurses, judges, soldiers or site engineers: in Turkey, many couples live in different cities even though they are married, because of appointments, postings and working conditions. The question "What will happen to my marriage if I have to live in a different city from my spouse?" circulates silently in these couples' minds. In this article we look at the particular emotional load of living apart from your spouse, why reunions sometimes turn into arguments, and ways to protect your bond despite the distance.
Living Apart from Your Spouse: Who Does It, and Why?
Marriages carried on in different cities are usually the result of necessity rather than choice. The most common situations are these:
- Appointments and postings of public employees: A teacher appointed to an eastern or south-eastern province, a doctor doing compulsory service, police or military personnel who are frequently reposted.
- Waiting for a "spouse posting": One partner requesting a transfer to where the other is posted (known in Turkey as "eş durumu"), which can take years.
- Job opportunities: Couples where one partner receives a good job offer in a big city but the other cannot move because of their own job, family or the children's school.
- Project-based work: Engineers and workers who spend months at construction sites, mines, power plants or on projects abroad.
- Caring responsibilities: One partner living in their home town to stay with an ill parent.
Each of these situations creates a different emotional picture. A separation that begins with "My transfer will come through in a year" is not experienced in the same way as a separation with no clear end. That is why it is important first to name your own situation: Does your separation have an end date, or is it open-ended?
An economic dimension is added to this picture. Two separate homes, two sets of bills, travel costs every week and ticket prices that multiply during the religious holidays can put serious strain on the budget at a time of high living costs. Some couples are forced to see each other less often for this reason, which increases the emotional burden of the separation. In addition, questions from others such as "You got married and you live apart?" can make a couple feel they constantly have to defend their own decision.
What Do Spouses Who Live Apart Feel?
In marriages lived apart, the two spouses' experiences are often very different from each other, and when this difference goes unnoticed, hurt builds up.
What the spouse who left goes through
The spouse living in the new city often leads a lonely life: an empty staff flat in the evenings, meals for one, waiting for the weekend. At the same time, this person feels guilty: "The children are growing up and I'm not there", "My spouse is dealing with everything alone." Sometimes they cannot tell their spouse about this loneliness, because they are afraid of getting the reply, "At least you get to sleep in peace."
What the spouse who stayed behind goes through
The spouse who stays at home, especially if there are children, is in effect a single parent for most of the week. They are the one who takes the child to hospital when they are ill, goes to the parents' meeting, deals with the broken boiler. Over time this person may build up tiredness and anger, but may hold back from saying so because "they're struggling over there too". When the phone rings in the evening, they may sometimes end up only passing on problems; the conversation goes by like a report.
Feelings they share
Both spouses frequently experience longing, loneliness, moments of jealousy or insecurity, the feeling of "missing out on your life", and uncertainty about the future. In particular, one spouse building a new circle of people in the new city can trigger the worry in the other that "there's no room left for me".
Living Apart with Children: The Load of Single Parenting and Separation Through a Child's Eyes
Children experience the absence of a parent who lives elsewhere in different ways at different ages. Young children may experience each departure as a new separation; irritability on Sunday evenings, sleep problems or bouts of crying are common. School-age children may ask questions such as "Why doesn't Dad live with us?" or compare their friends' families with their own. Teenagers, meanwhile, may think that the faraway parent "has no say" and resist the rules that parent sets.
Some steps can help children get through this period more easily:
- A clear, age-appropriate explanation: A clear framework such as "Mum is living in another city for a while for the school where she works. She comes to us every weekend and we talk every evening" reduces the anxiety created by uncertainty.
- Departure and arrival rituals: A special phrase said when seeing the parent off, a photo sent from the city they go to, reunion days marked on the calendar give the child a sense of order and security.
- Taking part from a distance: The faraway parent glancing over homework on an evening video call, reading a bedtime story or asking about the child's day keeps the bond going.
- Shared rules: It is important for rules to be set and upheld by both parents together, so that the parent at home does not become the "bad cop" and the parent who arrives at the weekend the "holiday parent".
Why Do Reunions Sometimes Turn Into Arguments?
Many couples who live apart describe the same thing with surprise: They miss each other all week, but argue on the first evening they are together again. The reason is that two different rhythms of life are suddenly brought together.
The spouse at home expects someone to arrive who will share the week's load; the spouse who arrives, tired from the journey, expects to rest and to receive attention. One thinks, "At last I'll get a breather"; the other thinks, "At last I'll get some rest." When these two expectations clash, even the smallest issue grows.
Another reason is the feeling of being a "guest spouse". During the week, the order, rules and decisions of the home are shaped by the spouse who stays behind. The spouse who arrives at the weekend may feel like a guest in this arrangement; when they get involved in something, they may hear, "You weren't here, how would you know?" This feeds a sense of exclusion.
Talking in advance about the first hours of the reunion can reduce this tension. For example, a simple agreement such as the arriving spouse resting for the first hour and then the spouse at home taking a few hours for themselves makes both people's needs visible. The last evening before the separation can carry a similar tension; the approaching goodbye is sometimes made "easier" through an argument for no reason. Simply noticing this can help a couple experience the goodbye more gently.
Imagine a nurse who, during her husband's two-year compulsory posting, gets on a coach every Friday night to go and see him. On Saturday morning she sees his messy staff flat and starts cleaning; he, meanwhile, wanted to have breakfast with her and show her around the city. By the afternoon both are hurt: one thinks, "Did I come here to be a cleaner?", the other, "I wanted to see you, not for you to do the cleaning." Yet both want the same thing: quality time together.
If We Have to Live Apart from Each Other, How Do We Protect Our Bond?
Distance on its own does not weaken a marriage; what weakens it is two spouses becoming disconnected from each other's lives within that distance. The suggestions below can help you prevent this disconnection.
Share the everyday. Couples who live far apart usually talk about important matters but skip the small details. Yet closeness is built in ordinary moments: what you had for lunch, a funny conversation you overheard on the bus, a flower that bloomed in the garden. A short photo or voice message sent during the day lets your spouse feel they still have a place in your life.
Don't turn conversations into reports. If evening calls consist only of questions like "Did you pay the bill?" and "Did the child do their homework?", after a while these conversations start to feel like a burden. Try to share at least one feeling or thought in every conversation: "I missed you so much today", "This is what was on my mind most this week."
Make decisions together. Important decisions at home, the children's education or financial matters should not become a single spouse's decision because of the distance. Including the faraway spouse in the process reduces the feeling of being a "guest spouse".
Plan reunions but don't overload them. Trying to make every weekend perfect creates pressure. Sometimes sitting quietly at home together can be more nourishing than big plans.
Nurture trust. Jealousy and insecurity can arise from time to time in couples who live apart. Instead of hiding these feelings, sharing them at a calm time and talking openly about the new circle of people and colleagues strengthens the ground of trust.
Build your own life too. Living the period apart entirely as a "waiting room" deepens loneliness. Friendships, hobbies and your own routines nourish both you and your relationship. Our article on the feeling of loneliness may also offer guidance on coping with loneliness.
Distance tests a marriage; but what weakens a marriage is not distance, it is two people quietly withdrawing from each other's everyday lives.
A Separation with No Clear End: When Should You Think Again?
Living in different cities can be a bearable sacrifice for a certain period. However, a separation whose end date is constantly postponed, or never discussed, can over time turn into two parallel lives. The following signs may indicate that the time has come to reassess the situation together:
- If reunions are becoming less and less frequent and this doesn't really bother either of you
- If you have started to learn about important developments in each other's lives from other people
- If you struggle to find things to talk about when you are together
- If the children greet the faraway parent like a "guest"
- If one of you wants to continue the separation while the other says they can't bear it any more
At this point the question "Who will make the sacrifice?" inevitably comes up. Career, family, economic conditions and the children's needs should be assessed together. Rather than trying to settle this conversation in a single evening, writing down the options and taking time to think them over will help you make healthier decisions. You can also read our article on long-distance relationships for the general dynamics of relationships at a distance.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Support from a professional may be helpful in the following situations:
- If reunions end in an argument almost every time
- If one of the spouses is experiencing intense loneliness, lack of motivation or hopelessness
- If jealousy and insecurity have turned into a cycle that is draining the relationship
- If the children show sleep problems, a drop in school performance or marked changes in behaviour
- If no decision can be made about whether the separation will continue and this uncertainty is wearing both of you down
How Are Marriages Lived Apart Addressed in Therapy?
For couples living in different cities, getting to therapy can itself be a practical problem. Online therapy makes it possible for both spouses to join the same session from different cities, which is a significant convenience for these couples.
In couples therapy, first each spouse's experience of the separation is heard separately. The loneliness of the spouse who left and the exhaustion of the spouse who stayed behind are often talked about side by side for the first time in this setting. With a cognitive behavioural approach, thoughts such as "I'm not important to them" or "They're happier there than with me" are examined; concrete plans are made for communication routines and for the moments of reunion and farewell.
The schema therapy perspective can help in understanding why each separation feels so heavy, particularly for people with an abandonment or emotional deprivation schema. When the source of these feelings is recognised, spouses can respond to each other's reactions with more compassion.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does living apart from your spouse end a marriage?
Living apart strains a marriage but does not end it on its own. Many couples get through posting periods lasting years together. What makes the difference is regular and emotionally satisfying communication, shared decisions and a plan for when the separation will end.
Why do we argue when the weekend comes?
This is very common and usually stems from two different expectations clashing: the spouse at home expects the load to be shared, while the arriving spouse expects to rest and receive attention. Talking in advance about the first hours of the reunion and making both sides' needs visible can reduce this tension.
How should I explain to my child why their father or mother is far away?
A short, honest, age-appropriate explanation is enough. It is important to state clearly that the separation is not because of a divorce or something the child did wrong. Regular video calls and marking reunion days on the calendar support the child's sense of security.
I feel jealous while we live apart; is this normal?
Not being able to see part of your spouse's life while you are far apart can create jealousy and anxiety from time to time; this is a very human feeling. What matters is being able to share this feeling without turning it into blame. If jealousy is turning into a constant need to check, it may be helpful to try to understand its source together with a professional.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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