Where does the need to control everything come from and why is delegating so hard? Learn about the anxiety beneath control, its cost and how to loosen it.
Your partner has loaded the dishwasher. You thank them, and as soon as they go into the living room you open the machine and rearrange the plates; the glasses belong on the top rack, the pans should lie on their side. At work you leave a report with your team, then sit at home in the evening rewriting it from scratch. The holiday plan, the children's homework, whose house to visit and when during Bayram, even which lane your partner moves into while driving: all of it must pass your approval. The people around you call you "controlling"; you just think you want things done properly. The need to control everything looks from the outside like a personality trait, but underneath it there is often a quiet anxiety: "If I don't hold it together, everything will fall apart." In this article I look at where this need comes from, what it costs the person and their relationships, and how you can loosen it.
What Is the Need to Control Everything?
Control is one of our basic human needs. Feeling that we have some say over our lives is an important part of a sense of security and of psychological health. Making plans, taking responsibility and keeping things running smoothly are valuable skills.
The problem begins at the point where control stops being a choice and becomes a compulsion. When the person leaves a task to someone else, hears that a plan has changed or cannot influence the outcome of a situation, they feel intense unease. The only way to settle this unease is to take control again.
This need usually shows itself through behaviours such as:
- Finding it hard to delegate tasks or, after delegating, constantly following up
- Quietly or openly redoing work other people have done
- Reacting strongly to changes of plan
- Giving detailed instructions about what everyone should do and how
- Finding it hard to ask for help; saying "I'll sort it out"
- Disliking surprises and last-minute changes
- Feeling uncomfortable being a passenger in a car or going on a holiday someone else has organised
If some of these behaviours apply to you, that on its own does not mean a problem or a diagnosis. What matters is how much this need strains your life and your relationships.
The Anxiety Beneath Being Controlling
Many people described as controlling do not see themselves as anxious. On the contrary, they see themselves as strong, responsible and competent. And indeed, these qualities are often there. But when you look closely at the intensity of the control, there is a clear anxiety underneath.
Control is one of the most effective-looking ways of managing anxiety. When you do a task yourself, you feel you know what the outcome will be. When you leave it to someone else, uncertainty begins: What if they get it wrong? What if they're late? What if the result is bad and I'm the one held responsible? Controlling silences these questions.
The problem is this: control reduces anxiety in the short term but feeds it in the long term. Every act of control sends the mind the message: "That really was dangerous; good thing you took care of it." So the next time, letting go of control becomes even harder. Over time, the person starts to perceive everything they cannot control as a threat.
Control is the most respectable outfit anxiety wears.
Where Does the Need to Control Everything Come From?
Having to grow up too early
One of the most common roots of controlling behaviour is taking on responsibilities in childhood that were not appropriate for one's age. A child who looks after an ill parent, mothers or fathers younger siblings, tries to calm conflicts in the family or starts working early because of financial hardship learns the belief, "If I don't take care of it, nobody will." This experience, which psychology calls the parentified child, is common in Turkey, especially in extended families and among older siblings. In adulthood, the same belief carries on as an inability to delegate.
An unpredictable or chaotic home
A child who grows up in a home where nobody knows what will happen when, where the rules keep changing and where shouting and fighting are frequent takes refuge in the small areas they can control: keeping their room perfectly tidy, doing their homework flawlessly, planning everything in advance. This is a way of feeling safe in a chaotic world. In adulthood, even though the world is no longer so chaotic, the strategy continues.
Disappointments and trust issues
Behind the sentence "If I don't do it myself, it doesn't get done" there are often real experiences: a business partner who made promises and didn't keep them, a colleague who left work half-finished, a spouse who didn't take responsibility. These experiences strengthen the belief that trusting others is risky. Over time, however, this belief can become generalised to include trustworthy people as well.
Perfectionism
Believing that there is only one "right" way to do things makes it hard to tolerate other people's different methods. The way your partner loads the dishwasher is not wrong, just different; but for a perfectionist mind, different means faulty. You can find this topic in more detail in the article on perfectionism.
Social roles and expectations
In a culture where the order of the home and family is largely seen as women's responsibility, many women feel that every detail of the household will be held against them. A messy house when guests arrive, a child's unsuitable clothes, a missing gift on a holiday visit: when all of this is seen as "your job", letting go of control also brings the risk of being judged. Similarly, men who are held solely responsible for providing for the family may find it hard to let go of control in matters of work and money.
The Cost of Being Controlling
The cost of trying to control everything is often noticed late.
Burnout: Someone who also takes on everyone else's work ends up carrying a load far beyond their own capacity. Even resting, going on holiday or falling ill becomes difficult because of the worry, "Everything will fall apart while I'm away." In the long run, this can lead to burnout syndrome.
Tension in relationships: A person who is constantly corrected, whose work is redone or who is always being given instructions may feel worthless and untrusted. Between partners, the sentence "You never like anything I do anyway" is a typical result of this cycle. At work, team members stop taking the initiative.
A cycle of learned helplessness: Someone who always does everything themselves does not give the people around them the chance to develop those skills. The partner never learns to cook, the child never learns to pack their own bag, the colleague never learns to make decisions. This in turn seems to confirm the person's belief, "You see, if I don't do it, it doesn't get done."
Loss of spontaneity: Someone who plans and controls everything finds it hard to enjoy an unplanned evening walk, a last-minute invitation or an unexpected surprise. Life is lived like a project that has to be managed.
The difference between controlling behaviour and pressure in a relationship
An important distinction needs to be made here. A need for control that stems from anxiety is the person's attempt to soothe their own unease. However, when one person in a relationship systematically monitors the other's phone, money, who they see and what they wear, frightens them and restricts them, that is a different situation and may be considered psychological abuse. If your safety is at risk in such a relationship, you can call 112 (emergency services).
What Can You Do to Loosen Control a Little?
Divide your sphere of influence into three
Draw three circles on a piece of paper. In the inner circle, write the things you can control completely; in the middle one, the things you can influence but not control; and in the outer one, the things you have no influence over at all. Most people notice that they spend most of their energy on matters in the outer circle: how other people will behave, the weather, economic developments. Redirecting your energy to the inner and middle circles moves the need for control to a more useful place.
Set a "good enough" standard
Define in advance what it takes for a task to be not "perfect" but "good enough". If the dishes are clean, does their arrangement matter? If the report contains the right information, can its writing style be different? Setting this standard helps you see when the urge to correct is unnecessary.
Run small delegation experiments
Leave a low-risk task to someone else and do not interfere with the result: leaving the grocery shopping to your partner, having a colleague prepare the agenda for a meeting, letting your child pack their own bag. When the task is done, ask yourself: "What did I think would happen, and what did happen? Was the result really unacceptable?"
Postpone the urge to correct
When the urge to correct someone else's work comes, instead of acting straight away, postpone it by a day. When you look at the same matter the next day, you will often see that the correction was not necessary. This time also lets you experience that you can tolerate the feeling of discomfort.
Observe the discomfort in your body
What happens in your body when you let go of control? Tightness in the chest, tension in the shoulders, a feeling of being unable to sit still. Notice these feelings and name them: "This is the discomfort of uncertainty." Observe them for a few minutes without doing anything against them. Seeing the discomfort ease on its own shows you that control is not the only way out.
Plan delegation at work as a process
If, as a manager or team leader, you experience the need to control everything, think of delegation not as a one-off decision but as a process. Make clear from the outset to the person you are handing the work to what is expected, the deadline and at which points they should consult you. Limit check-ins to a few pre-agreed times; instead of asking "How's it going?" every hour, have a short review on Thursday, for example. When the result differs from what you would have done, first ask, "Is this different, or is it really wrong?" This structure reduces both your anxiety and the team's sense of being overwhelmed.
Practise asking for help
At least once a week, ask someone for help with something you genuinely need, and accept the help done their way. This strengthens both your sense of trust and the reciprocity in the relationship.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The need to control everything is present to some degree in many people and does not always require therapy. However, in the following situations it can be helpful to get support from a mental health professional:
- If the need for control is noticeably straining your work, relationships or health
- If you experience intense anxiety, panic or anger when you let go of control
- If you are experiencing signs of burnout, sleep problems or constant tiredness
- If you have repetitive behaviours you cannot stop, such as checking the door, the hob or plug sockets over and over; this may be linked to obsessive-compulsive symptoms
- If your loved ones constantly complain about being controlled and your relationships are suffering because of it
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, this is an emergency; call 112 (emergency services) without delay. Whether the symptoms require medication can be assessed by a psychiatrist. Individual therapy allows you to explore the anxiety and beliefs beneath the need for control in a safe setting.
How Is Controlling Behaviour Addressed in Therapy?
The first step in therapy is to see together what control behaviours give the person and what they cost. The short-term soothing function of control is acknowledged; then its long-term costs are discussed.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps to recognise the thoughts beneath the need for control: "If I don't do it, there'll be a disaster", "Other people can't be trusted", "If I make a mistake, I won't be forgiven." These thoughts are tested against evidence from real life. Small delegation experiments and work on tolerating uncertainty make up the behavioural part of therapy.
A schema-focused perspective is very useful for getting to the roots of controlling behaviour. Early schemas such as "self-sacrifice", "unrelenting standards" or "mistrust" often lie behind the need for control. For an adult who had to grow up early in childhood, therapy may be perhaps the first space in which they allow someone to look after them.
The therapy process aims not for the person to give up control entirely, but to be able to tell where control is useful and where it is a burden. Being organised, orderly and responsible are valuable qualities; the aim is to take these qualities out of the service of anxiety and turn them into the person's own choice.
Where needed, sessions attended by both partners can be useful for seeing the cycle of control in the relationship and the role both sides play in it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a controlling person change?
Yes, change is possible if the person is willing to recognise and work with the anxiety beneath their need for control. Change usually comes not all at once but through small delegation steps and practice in tolerating discomfort. Being able to look at this pattern without blaming oneself is an important part of the process.
How do you talk to a controlling partner?
It is more effective to use sentences that describe your own experience rather than accusing ones: for example, "When you redo the work I've done, I feel worthless." Bearing in mind that there may be anxiety beneath your partner's need for control softens the conversation. If the cycle doesn't change, couples support can be considered.
Is being controlling a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder?
Not all controlling behaviour is obsessive-compulsive disorder. In obsessive-compulsive disorder, the person experiences unwanted, distressing thoughts and performs repetitive behaviours to soothe them; even though they often find these behaviours pointless, they cannot stop them. Telling the two apart requires an assessment by a professional.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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