Does struggling to keep up with technology leave you feeling inadequate? Read about feeling left behind in midlife, the shame and ways back to learning.
When you pick up the phone to book a hospital appointment, you are asked to download an app. When you go to the bank, the clerk tells you to do the transaction on the mobile app. In a restaurant, instead of a menu, there is a QR code stuck to the table. Notifications from your grandchild's school come through an app, and you have forgotten the password for the third time. You ask your son; he shows you, but so quickly that nothing sticks. In the end, a sentence slips out: "I just don't understand these things any more." Struggling to keep up with technology may look like nothing more than a lack of skill, but it is often experienced together with feelings of inadequacy, shame and "the world has left me behind". In this article we look at where these feelings come from, the cycle they create, and how you can make room for learning again, whatever your age.
Why Does Struggling to Keep Up With Technology Hurt So Much?
Being unable to use a piece of software looks like a simple problem on paper. But for the person living it, the situation is often much deeper. Because technology is now the doorway to everyday life: accessing healthcare, seeing your salary, paying your bills, talking to your grandchild, doing your job at work. When a person cannot open this door, they feel shut out of a part of life.
Several factors make this feeling heavier:
Loss of independence. Someone who has handled their own affairs for years now has to depend on someone else for a simple transaction. For a person who has always been the one in the family who helps and solves problems, this change of role is especially unsettling.
The reversal of roles. The mother who once taught her child to tie their shoelaces now asks that child to change a setting on her phone. For some people, this reversal feels like a hard-to-accept face of growing older.
The speed of change. Just as you get used to an app, its layout changes, the buttons move and a new password method arrives. Knowledge that has been learned going out of date so quickly feeds the feeling that "Whatever I learn is pointless."
Being visible. Being unable to find the payment screen on your phone while a queue forms behind you at the till, being unable to open the screen shared in a meeting; all of this happens in front of others. And it is this visibility, above all, that intensifies shame.
In Turkey in recent years, the fact that most official transactions are now carried out via e-Devlet (the government's online services portal), that hospital appointments have moved to an online system, that bank branches have become fewer, and that many services suddenly went digital during the pandemic has made this pressure heavier, particularly for people in midlife and beyond. Tasks that were once dealt with by a petition or a few minutes' conversation at a counter now require a password, a verification code and a process several screens long. For people living in a small town or village without a young relative nearby to help, this change can mean that even access to public services becomes difficult.
What Feelings Does Struggling to Keep Up With Technology Bring?
Although the feelings experienced in this process vary from person to person, some are very common:
- Inadequacy: "Everyone else manages; I'm the only one who can't."
- Shame: Hesitating to ask for help, saying "OK, I understand" when you don't
- Anger: Irritation directed at the system or at young people: "Everything was so much better before, now it's all machines"
- Anxiety: Fear of pressing the wrong button and breaking something, losing money or being defrauded
- Worthlessness: Thoughts such as "I'm no use any more" or "I'm past it"
- Loneliness: The feeling of being left out as family and friendship communication moves online
These feelings often create an avoidance cycle. Because they struggle, the person avoids encountering technology; the more they avoid it, the less they practise; the less they practise, the bigger the difficulty becomes, and the belief "I can't do this" grows stronger. Over time, this belief leads the person not to try even the things they actually could do.
Let's say you are a fifty-eight-year-old accountant who has worked at the same organisation for more than thirty years. The organisation has switched to new software. Your younger colleagues adapted within a few days, while you get stuck on every screen. You hesitate to ask questions in meetings and try to practise at home in the evenings where nobody can see, but when you're alone you become even more confused. One morning you think, "Perhaps it's time to ask for my retirement"; yet you love your work, and the real problem is not your professional competence but just a piece of software. We have also discussed the dynamics that change with age in working life in our article on older employees.
How True Is the Belief "I Can't Learn at My Age"?
Many people put their struggles with technology down to age and accept this as an unchangeable fact. Yet it is a well-known finding that the brain can learn new things throughout life. Some things do change with age; for example, the speed of processing new information may slow down somewhat, and encountering many new things at once may be more tiring. But the capacity to learn does not disappear.
What usually makes the real difference is not age but the conditions of learning:
- Pace: A process shown quickly sticks in nobody's mind. Learning slowly, step by step and with repetition is more lasting at any age.
- Setting: It is hard to learn when people are waiting behind you, or when you are tense or embarrassed. A calm, unhurried setting makes learning easier.
- Meaning: Learning for something you genuinely want, rather than an abstract skill you have been told to "learn", increases motivation. Someone who wants to video-call their grandchild can acquire this skill much faster.
- Permission to make mistakes: One of the reasons young people are at ease with technology is that they try things at random without fear of breaking anything. This courage is a matter of attitude, not age.
Practical Steps for Coping With Struggling to Keep Up With Technology
1. Learn one thing, not everything
Keeping up with all of technology is an overwhelming goal. Instead, choose a single skill that would genuinely make your life easier: booking a hospital appointment, paying a bill through an app or video-calling your grandchild. Once that skill has settled, move on to the next.
2. Write your own handbook
Get a notebook and write down every process you learn, step by step, in your own words: "Open the app, press the blue button at the bottom right, tap where it says 'Book Appointment'..." This notebook means you don't have to ask someone every time, and it strengthens your sense of independence.
3. Choose the right teacher
Sometimes the person closest to you may not be the most suitable teacher. If your child gets impatient, a calm grandchild, a friend of the same age or a course may be a better option. In many provinces, public education centres (Halk Eğitim Merkezleri) and municipalities run basic computer and smartphone courses. Learning alongside people your own age also eases the feeling that "I'm the only one who doesn't know."
4. Say "Show me, but don't take it from me"
Tell the person you ask for help from the outset: "Don't do it for me; show me, and I'll do it." When someone else takes your phone and completes the task, the job gets done but you haven't learned anything. Steps you tap with your own finger are the ones you remember.
5. Normalise making mistakes
Most actions can be undone. When you go into the wrong menu, pressing the back button or closing the app and opening it again solves most problems. You can tell yourself: "If I press the wrong thing, most likely nothing will happen; I'll go back." However, it is right to be cautious with transactions involving money and personal information.
6. Set simple security rules
Fear of fraud is one of the most common reasons for staying away from technology. A few fixed rules make this fear manageable: never telling anyone your password or the verification code sent to your phone, knowing that your bank will not call you and ask for your password, not clicking links you are unsure about, and stopping the transaction and calling someone you trust when you are suspicious.
7. Pay attention to your inner voice
What do you say to yourself when you struggle? "I'm stupid, I can't do it", or "This is new, it takes time to learn"? The second sentence keeps you trying; the first makes you give up. Whatever you would say to a friend in the same situation, say that to yourself.
8. Accept that you don't have to know everything
Keeping up with every new development in technology is impossible for anyone; even for young people. Learning what you genuinely need and letting the rest go is not a shortcoming but a healthy choice.
9. Show what you have learned to someone else
One effective way to consolidate a new skill is to explain it to someone else. Showing a peer who has the same difficulty, at the café or at a residents' meeting, how to book a hospital appointment on the phone both reinforces the knowledge and gives you back the feeling that "I can help someone too". Moving from being the learner to being the teacher is one of the most powerful antidotes to feeling inadequate.
Being left behind does not mean standing still. Every small step taken at your own pace carries you back into the midst of life.
How Can Young People and Family Members Help?
When supporting a loved one who struggles with technology, paying attention to a few points both makes learning easier and protects the relationship:
- Say "Let's look at it together again" instead of "How many times have I shown you this?"
- Don't teach more than one thing at a time.
- Use everyday language instead of technical terms.
- Instead of doing it for them, sit beside them and wait for them to do it.
- Notice their small successes: "Look, you found it yourself this time."
For elderly parents in particular, technology is not only a skill but also a way of being able to take part in the family's life. A few steps shown patiently strengthen their feeling that "I'm still here". We have touched on the change of role and the search for meaning that come with retirement in our article on retirement syndrome.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Struggling with technology is a very common experience and is not, on its own, a mental health problem. However, in some situations this difficulty becomes intertwined with deeper feelings:
- If the feeling of being left behind has turned into a constant sense of worthlessness and "I'm no use"
- If you are neglecting important matters (health, money, official procedures) because you are ashamed to ask for help
- If you are increasingly withdrawing from people, family gatherings or the workplace
- If you have been experiencing lack of motivation, unhappiness and sleep problems for a long time
- If intense anxiety and thoughts of leaving work early because of changes in the workplace are overwhelming you
If you are experiencing persistent low mood, worthlessness or hopelessness, you can find information about support in the area of depression and mood.
How Is the Feeling of Being Left Behind Addressed in Therapy?
The focus in therapy is not on technology itself but on the meaning it carries for the person.
In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, thoughts such as "I can't learn at my age" and "Everyone thinks I'm useless" are examined. The way these thoughts push the person towards avoidance is recognised, and new experiences are created through small, achievable learning steps.
Work on values and identity is carried out. Together, it is made visible that the person's worth is not reduced to being able to use an app, and that their life experience, wisdom, relationships and labour remain in place.
Life-stage transitions are discussed. Midlife and beyond can be a period full of retirement, children leaving home, bodily changes and losses. Struggling with technology sometimes becomes a symbol of these larger transitions and needs to be addressed in that context.
Let's say a retired teacher describes in therapy her hurt that "They don't call me any more" because she can't make video calls with her grandchild. As the conversation deepens, it may emerge that the real burden is not technology but the house going quiet and the fear of feeling unimportant. In that case, a small plan is made for learning to make video calls, and this hurt in her relationship with the family is also talked through.
Work is done on shame. The sense that asking for help is not weakness but a natural part of learning is strengthened.
Frequently Asked Questions
Up to what age can I learn new technologies?
There is no age limit to learning. The pace of learning may change with age, but with a calm setting, enough repetition and a meaningful goal, new skills can be acquired at any age.
My children are impatient with me about technology; what can I do?
You can state your feelings openly at a calm moment: "When you show me quickly it doesn't stick; please show me slowly." Joining a course or a learning group with people your own age, instead of relying on a family member, can also reduce tension in the relationship.
I don't use online banking because I'm afraid of being defrauded. Is that wrong?
Being cautious is an understandable attitude. Learning the basic security rules and starting with small transactions can make it easier to manage this fear. If you don't feel ready, continuing to do your banking at the branch is also an option.
Could struggling with technology be a sign of dementia?
Finding it hard to learn a new app is not, on its own, a sign of dementia; it is a very common experience. However, if you notice marked forgetfulness in everyday tasks that you used to do with ease, difficulty finding your way or changes in personality, it is advisable to have a doctor's assessment.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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