What burden does having a loved one with an addiction bring? Read about family emotions, codependency, setting boundaries and where to find support in Turkey.
Addiction is often talked about as one person's problem. Yet around someone struggling with alcohol, drugs, gambling or another addiction there is a worried mother, a partner who cannot sleep through the night, children who sense the tension at home and siblings who do not know what to do. Having a loved one with an addiction is a heavy burden carried in silence and often unseen. In this article we look at how addiction affects the family, the emotions and traps relatives often experience, how you can support your loved one while protecting yourself, and the resources you can turn to in Turkey.
What Does It Mean to Have a Loved One with an Addiction?
Addiction is when a person has difficulty controlling a substance or behaviour and continues despite its negative consequences. This affects not only the person's own life but the lives of everyone they live with or are close to.
Having a loved one with an addiction often involves:
- A constant state of alertness, the anxiety of "What will happen tonight?",
- Trying to predict and control your loved one's behaviour,
- Financial losses, debts and uncertainty,
- Hiding things from your social circle, embarrassment and isolation,
- Constantly putting your own needs off.
Whatever the type of addiction, family members' experiences are similar. A spouse who drinks, a young person using drugs or a father who gambles... Each of these can deeply shake the family's daily life, relationships and emotional balance. You can find the signs of alcohol use in when alcohol use becomes a problem, and the problem of online betting in our article on online betting in adults.
What Emotions Do Relatives of People with Addictions Experience?
Family members often experience conflicting emotions at the same time. Each of these emotions is understandable and human.
Worry and fear
Constantly worrying about your loved one's health, safety and future is the most common experience of having a loved one with an addiction. The fear that bad news will come whenever the phone rings, waiting up until late, sleepless nights...
Anger
Broken promises, broken trust, losses suffered and life constantly revolving around this problem can create deep anger. This anger is sometimes directed at the person with the addiction, sometimes at yourself, and sometimes at the situation.
Guilt
Thoughts such as "Where did I go wrong?" and "If I had been a better spouse or parent this wouldn't have happened" are common. Yet addiction is a problem with complex causes and cannot be explained by one person's mistake.
Shame
In Turkey, addiction is still a heavily stigmatised subject. The worry of "What will people say?" can push families to hide the problem and avoid asking for help.
Helplessness and exhaustion
Staying in the same cycle for a long time can lead relatives to a deep sense of helplessness and exhaustion. A person may feel drained both emotionally and physically.
Hope and disappointment
Hope blooms when the person with the addiction decides to quit; deep disappointment follows when they start again. These ups and downs wear relatives out emotionally.
Finding a cure for a loved one's addiction may not be in your hands; but how you look after yourself is largely in your hands.
How Does Addiction Affect Family Relationships?
Addiction transforms how the family functions over time. Family members may take on particular roles without realising it.
The effect on partners
Living with a partner who has an addiction can bring loss of trust, financial burden, constant arguments and emotional loneliness. The partner may take on responsibility for the home and children while also trying to protect, control or change their partner. Over time, this can seriously affect the partner's own mental health.
The effect on children
Children who grow up in a home with addiction live in an unpredictable environment. Some children take on a "good" and responsible role to reduce the tension at home; some withdraw; others draw attention through behavioural problems. Children can often perceive what is happening as their own fault. For this reason, it is very important to explain to them, in a way appropriate to their age, that the problem does not stem from them. If you notice prolonged withdrawal, school problems or marked behavioural changes in your child, consulting a specialist who works with children and adolescents can be helpful.
The effect on parents
Parents who face the addiction of an adult or young adult child experience intense guilt and anxiety. Within Turkey's extended family structure, protecting the child, hiding the problem or continuing to support them financially are common reactions. Although these reactions come from love, they can sometimes unintentionally contribute to the addiction continuing.
Siblings and the extended family
Addiction often affects not only the immediate family but also siblings, grandparents and other relatives. In an environment where all the family's attention is directed at the person with the addiction, siblings may feel invisible or be pushed to become "the child who causes no trouble". Within the extended family, matters such as who knows how much and who will say what can be an additional source of tension. Making room for what each member of the family is going through helps ensure the load does not rest on one person's shoulders.
Codependency and Enabling Behaviours
There are two concepts often discussed in families living with addiction: codependency and enabling behaviours.
What is codependency?
Codependency is when a person constantly puts their own needs, feelings and boundaries behind the needs of their loved one with an addiction. The person may begin to define their own worth through their efforts to rescue their loved one, control them or solve their problems. This is not a diagnosis, but a relationship pattern often seen among relatives.
What are enabling behaviours?
Enabling behaviours are behaviours done with good intentions that can nonetheless contribute to the behaviour continuing by softening the consequences of the addiction. For example:
- Constantly paying the debts of the person with the addiction,
- Making excuses on their behalf to their workplace, school or relatives,
- Ignoring or minimising the problem,
- Taking responsibility for the harm they cause,
- Fixing everything in moments of crisis and so preventing them from facing the consequences.
These behaviours come from love and the wish to protect. But over time they can make it harder for the person with the addiction to see the extent of the problem and can wear relatives out even more.
How Can You Protect Yourself as the Relative of Someone with an Addiction?
Changing your loved one may not be in your control; but there are steps you can take to protect your own health and build a healthier relationship.
Learn about addiction
Knowing that addiction is a health problem, that it may not be solved by willpower alone, and that slips can occur during recovery makes your expectations more realistic.
Set your boundaries
Clarify what you will and will not allow, and express it in calm language. For example: "I don't want alcohol used in the house", "I'm not going to pay your debts any more" or "I don't want you to be alone with the children when you are under the influence." Setting a boundary is not a punishment, it is a way of protecting yourself and your family. Our article on setting boundaries can help you with this.
Communicate without blame
When talking to your loved one, try to use sentences describing your own feelings and worries rather than accusing and demeaning expressions: for example "I'm very frightened when you don't come home until late" instead of "You're always drinking." It is important to have the conversation at a time when your loved one is calm and not under the influence.
Make room for your own life
Don't neglect seeing your friends, your hobbies, rest and your own health. Not letting your own life revolve entirely around the addiction increases the resilience of both you and your family.
Separate what you can control from what you can't
Whether your loved one will drink, gamble or start treatment is ultimately their decision. Hiding bottles, checking their phone or constantly keeping track of them often tires you out further and increases tension in the relationship instead of solving the problem. By contrast, your own reactions, your boundaries, your decision to seek support and the time you set aside for yourself are in your control. Directing your energy to these areas can reduce the sense of helplessness.
Doing this does not mean giving up on your loved one. On the contrary, a family member who preserves their own balance can offer a much firmer foundation to the person with the addiction when they are ready to get support.
Don't stay alone
Talking to a loved one you trust, a support group or a specialist helps you share the load. Shame and secrecy make the load even heavier.
Hold realistic expectations about recovery
It is natural to expect everything to improve at once when your loved one starts treatment; but recovery from addiction is often a process with ups and downs. Rebuilding trust takes time, and slips can occur during this process. Noticing small steps forward, and not interpreting a slip as all the effort having been wasted, protects both you and your loved one.
Prioritise your safety
If there is violence, threats or serious risk together with the addiction, your own and your children's safety comes before everything else. In an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).
Say a mother has been quietly paying her adult son's gambling debts for years and hiding this from her husband. Each time she believes it will be the last, but the debts grow and she is gradually worn out. When she begins seeing a specialist, she realises that paying the debts has been preventing her son from facing the consequences. Steps such as speaking openly with her husband, stopping the debt payments and guiding her son towards getting support can be a new beginning for both her and her family. This fictional example shows that love can sometimes be more protective together with boundaries.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
As the relative of someone with an addiction, you too deserve professional support. Getting help from a specialist is especially important in the following situations:
- If you are experiencing constant anxiety, sleeplessness and tension,
- If you feel hopeless, helpless or exhausted,
- If you notice that you are completely ignoring your own needs,
- If you observe changes in behaviour or emotions in your children,
- If there is violence or a safety risk at home,
- If you do not know how to guide your loved one towards treatment.
The resources you can turn to for addiction in Turkey are:
- ALO 191 Addiction Helpline (Turkey's addiction counselling line): Provides information, counselling and referral for both people with addictions and their relatives.
- AMATEM (state addiction treatment centres): Centres you can apply to for addiction assessment and treatment.
- Psychiatry outpatient clinics: An assessment by a psychiatrist is important for your loved one's medical evaluation and treatment.
Even if the person with the addiction is not yet ready to get help, it is possible, and often very beneficial, for family members to get support for themselves.
How Is the Burden on Relatives Approached in Therapy?
Therapy offers a space for family members to share their intense emotions in a safe setting and to develop healthier ways of coping.
In the course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT):
- Thoughts such as "It's all my fault", "Only I can save them" or "If I set boundaries I'll lose them" are noticed and questioned,
- Skills for coping with emotions such as anxiety, anger and guilt are developed,
- Boundary-setting and communication skills are worked on,
- The person is supported in making room again for their own life, needs and values.
For some relatives, the pattern of relating to someone with an addiction may be linked to older experiences. For example, someone who grew up in a home where there was addiction may enter similar relationships in adulthood or constantly take on the "rescuer" role. Understanding these patterns can be approached with knowledge from schema therapy.
Family or couple sessions can also be useful for strengthening communication and establishing a new balance in the family. While your loved one's treatment is carried out with psychiatric and addiction specialists, individual therapy support for you can be continued face to face or online.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I force my loved one with an addiction into treatment?
Persuading an adult into treatment is often difficult, and forcing generally increases resistance. Instead, sharing your worries in calm language, clarifying your boundaries and giving information about treatment options can be more effective. The ALO 191 line can guide you on this.
Should I go to therapy myself as the relative of someone with an addiction?
Yes, this is often very beneficial. Family members can experience intense anxiety, guilt and exhaustion. Protecting your own mental health is important for the wellbeing of both you and your family.
How should I talk to children about addiction?
Give children plain, honest explanations suited to their age. Most important is emphasising that what is happening is not their fault and that they are loved. Listening to the child's questions and making room for them to express their feelings is also important.
Should I keep paying my loved one's debts?
This is something each family needs to assess according to its own circumstances. However, constantly paying off debts can make it harder for the person with the addiction to face the consequences of their behaviour. Assessing this decision together with a specialist can be helpful.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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