For couples facing arguments over wedding costs: what spending means to families, being caught between two sides and how to split costs without resentment.
You are sitting opposite each other in a café. A photo arrives on your fiancé's phone from his mother: a handwritten list. Venue, bedroom furniture, white goods, wedding dress, henna night, invitations... Next to each item is a name, and most of the names belong to your family. As you look at the list, your fiancé avoids your eyes. That evening you have your first serious row, and when it is over neither of you can quite explain why you were so hurt. Arguments over wedding costs are one of the first big tests for many couples preparing to marry in Turkey. On paper it looks like a budgeting matter; but inside it are respect, pride, the habits of two families and the worry about "what people will say". In this article we look at the reasons for the tension that arises over wedding costs, its effects on the couple's relationship, and ways of discussing how costs are shared without leaving resentment behind.
Why Are Arguments Over Wedding Costs So Common?
In Turkey there is no single rule about how wedding costs should be shared. Which side takes on what varies from region to region, between city and village, even from family to family. In one family it is taken for granted that the bride's side buys the bedroom furniture, while in another this is considered the groom's family's duty. Every family has its own sense of "this is how we do it" on questions such as who will host the henna night, who will book the venue and who will provide the wedding meal.
The problem is that most of these rules are unwritten and assumed without being discussed. The two families notice each other's assumptions only when the list comes out. At that point each sees its own custom as "right" and the other's as "unfair" or "improper".
Economic conditions are added to this. In periods when the cost of living rises rapidly, a wedding budget that seemed reasonable a few years ago can turn into a burden families cannot shoulder. As rents, furniture prices and venue fees rise, the question "who will buy what" turns from a debate about tradition into a matter of making ends meet.
It is also worth remembering that a wedding is not a single day. The promise ceremony, the engagement, the henna night, the wedding, sometimes a second wedding in the home town... Each is a separate cost item and a separate arena for argument. Even if tension is resolved at one stage, it can flare up again at the next.
The influence of social media should not be overlooked either. Professional engagement shoots, custom-designed invitations, elaborate henna nights and entrances with fireworks were items that, until a few years ago, would not even have occurred to many families. Today, these images encountered constantly on screen quietly lengthen the list of "must-haves". When the couple or the families cannot meet some of these expectations, a sense of falling short becomes mixed into the argument over costs, and the issue turns less into how much will be spent than into the question of who is valued less.
Money or Respect? What Wedding Costs Mean
Rows over wedding costs are rarely only about money. Each cost carries a symbolic meaning for the families.
Respect and worth: For some families, the money spent on their daughter is a measure of how valued she is. Sayings such as "We won't send our daughter off empty-handed" or "We'll give our daughter-in-law a wedding worthy of her" describe a matter of honour that goes beyond money.
Status and what people will say: A wedding is a stage on which a family presents itself to its circle. Worry about what relatives, neighbours and colleagues will think can lead families to spend far beyond their real budgets.
Mothers' dreams: Some mothers want to experience at their children's wedding what they could not at their own. Every detail, from choosing the dress to decorating the venue, may in fact be part of a dream stored up for years.
A family proving itself: The side in a weaker financial position may be willing to take on debt so as not to fall short. The wealthier side, meanwhile, may unknowingly humiliate the other family by taking on the costs.
Seeing these meanings makes it easier to move the discussion from the question "Who is right?" to the question "What does this expense mean to this family?"
How Do Arguments Over Wedding Costs Affect the Couple?
Wedding preparation is one of the most intense and stressful periods for a couple before marriage. Tension over costs can be reflected in the couple's relationship in several ways.
The first test of loyalty: For the first time, the engaged couple faces an open choice between their own families and their future spouse. The one who defends their family hurts their fiancé or fiancée; the one who defends their partner feels guilty towards their family.
Generalisations begin: Generalisations such as "Your family's always like this" or "Your lot never contribute to anything anyway" turn an argument about a particular cost into a lasting judgement between two families. These judgements may persist after the wedding too.
The couple's voice gets lost: While the families are bargaining, the couple can lose their say over what their own wedding will be like. Instead of the simple ceremony they dreamed of, what emerges is a wedding that is the average of two families' expectations.
A marriage that begins with debt: Taking out a loan for the wedding, running up credit card debt or borrowing from relatives can mean spending the first years of marriage under serious financial pressure. The article on wedding costs and debt offers more detailed information on the effects of wedding debt on a marriage.
Let's say a couple argued for weeks because the two families could not agree about the venue. In the end the groom's family reluctantly accepted a bigger venue, but on the wedding day they began telling relatives, "We didn't want it; they insisted." When this remark reached the bride, the first day of the marriage began with resentment.
First, Agree Between the Two of You as a Couple
Before the conversation about costs between the families, the most important conversation takes place between the two people getting engaged. If the families sit down at the table before this conversation has happened, the couple finds themselves playing on two separate teams.
You can discuss these questions between yourselves:
- What kind of wedding do we want? A big wedding at a venue, a small family meal, or just the civil ceremony?
- What is our priority? The wedding, furnishing the home or savings? If the budget is limited, which can we give up?
- What is our budget ceiling? Including the families' contributions, how much in total do we consider reasonable to spend?
- How open are we to borrowing? Is starting a marriage with debt acceptable to us?
- On which issues can we compromise with our families, and on which must we stand firm?
Once you have found shared answers to these questions, you can speak as "we" in the conversation with the families. For these and similar issues worth discussing before marriage, you can also look at the article on premarital counselling.
While the wedding preparations are under way, take care too not to turn your relationship into nothing more than a project team. Spending at least one evening a week without talking about venues, lists and prices, going for a walk together or carrying on doing the ordinary things you used to do, reminds you why you want to marry. Taking a break at moments when tension rises by saying "Let's talk about this tomorrow with clear heads" is not running away, but a skill that protects the relationship.
A wedding is a one-day celebration; the trust built that day carries the whole marriage.
Ways to Discuss Sharing the Costs Between Families
Talk at a single table
Discussing how costs will be shared by phone, through go-betweens or piece by piece multiplies misunderstandings. If possible, hold a single conversation at which both families come together and the couple is also present. It is healthier to plan this conversation for a time separate from emotionally charged moments such as a festival visit or the formal request for the bride's hand.
Put the list in writing
Write down all the cost items on a piece of paper or in a shared document, and state clearly who will cover each one. A written list prevents later arguments of the "That's not what we agreed" kind. Adding an approximate budget and a decision deadline for each item also reduces last-minute surprises.
Talk about needs instead of "this is how we do it"
Arguing on the basis of traditions turns into a contest over whose tradition is more correct. Instead, discuss concrete needs and means: "Our budget for this item is this much; how much can you contribute?"
Handle the difference in means without causing hurt
If one of the families is financially stronger, sharing the costs in proportion to their means rather than equally may be fairer. But take care, when raising this, not to humiliate the other family. If necessary, it can be agreed that the wealthier side makes its contribution quietly and without fanfare.
Put a simple wedding on the table as an option
Many couples hold a wedding of a size they did not want because of their families' expectations. A small ceremony, a meal attended only by those closest, or moving part of the wedding budget into the home are options that can be seriously considered. When presenting this suggestion to the families, it is important to stress that it is not a shortfall but a conscious choice.
Discuss jewellery and gifts separately
To whom the jewellery pinned on at the wedding belongs, and how it will be used, is another common source of argument. Discussing this openly before the wedding prevents resentments that may arise later. For the details of this issue, you can read the article on rows over wedding jewellery.
If necessary, get help from a respected go-between
In some families, the two sides speaking directly does nothing but increase the tension. In such situations, a calm and impartial elder whom both families trust — for example an uncle, an aunt or a family friend — can make the conversation easier. The go-between's role is not to prove one side right, but to make both families feel heard. When choosing this person, getting the couple's agreement too is important so that they are not left out of the process.
Let each partner talk to their own family
If a boundary or a no needs to be passed on to one of the families, it being said by that family's own child noticeably reduces the tension. The bride-to-be objecting to her future mother-in-law, or the groom-to-be to his future father-in-law, can damage the relationship before it has even begun.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Talking to a specialist may be helpful in the following situations:
- Arguments over costs have turned into recurring and increasingly harsh rows between you and your fiancé or fiancée
- You feel that one or both families have completely taken over your decisions
- During this process you have begun to have serious doubts about your decision to marry
- Your sleep, appetite or general mood has been noticeably affected, or you feel constantly anxious or low
- The arguments have reached the level of insults, threats or pressure
These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but they show that seeking support may be useful in order to begin married life on firmer ground.
How Are Arguments Over Wedding Costs Addressed in Therapy?
Tensions of this kind in the period before marriage are often addressed in couples therapy or premarital counselling. The aim of this work is not only to resolve the issue of costs, but for the couple to develop a way of communicating and making decisions that will also serve them in their future family relationships. The couple examines together their families' values regarding money, status and tradition, and learns to distinguish their own values from these.
Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, thoughts such as "If I don't do what my family wants, I'll embarrass them" or "My fiancé's family looks down on us" are examined, and the couple is supported in preparing for difficult conversations with the families. A schema therapy perspective helps explain how patterns such as approval-seeking or self-sacrifice can leave a person unable to voice their own wishes, even about their own wedding.
Frequently Asked Questions
Which side should pay for the wedding?
There is no single right answer to this question; traditions vary from region to region and from family to family. What is healthy is for the sharing to be discussed openly, taking into account both families' means and the couple's wishes, rather than based on assumptions. A written list and a single joint meeting greatly reduce resentments that might arise later.
My family wants a big wedding but we don't; what should we do?
First, get clear between yourselves about why you want a simple wedding. Then explain your decision to your family without blame, giving your reasons; for example, say that you want to put the budget towards setting up your home. Also taking your family's feelings into account and adding a small element that will feel meaningful to them — for example a meal with close relatives — can be a middle way.
My fiancé's family isn't contributing anything to the costs; how can I raise this?
Raise the subject first with your fiancé, without blame and with concrete figures. There may be things you don't know about his family's financial situation, their traditions or their expectations in this matter. If it needs to be discussed with his family, it will be healthier for protecting the relationship if your fiancé does this himself.
Does it make sense to take out a loan for the wedding?
This decision depends on each couple's own circumstances; but it should be borne in mind that spending the first years of marriage under a heavy debt burden can put pressure on the relationship. Working out together the effect of the monthly repayments on the household budget before taking out a loan, and also considering a simpler wedding option, reduces the likelihood of regret later on.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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