Father-son conflict is often lived through silence, not shouting. Read about its roots, the search for approval and how to start talking with your father.
You travelled half an hour in the same car as your father, and the only things you talked about were the traffic, the weather and football. Perhaps you once fought a lot; doors were slammed and sentences like "As long as you live under my roof" were spoken. Perhaps you never argued loudly at all, but the distance between you quietly grew over the years. Father-son conflict holds an important place in the lives of many men in Turkey; yet it often goes unnamed, because men are not used to talking about their hurts with their fathers. In this article we look at where this tension comes from, how it leaves its mark on adult men's lives, and what you can change in your relationship with your father.
Where Does Father-Son Conflict Come From?
Every father-son relationship has its own story; but some common themes appear frequently in these stories.
Two men who can't talk about feelings
Many fathers learned from their own fathers to show love not through words but through responsibility: bringing bread home, paying school fees, being tough when necessary. "I love you," "I'm proud of you" or "I'm sorry" barely feature in these fathers' vocabulary. The son learns this language as he grows up. In the end, two men have a great deal to say to each other but can't find the words to say it. And conflict often arises in exactly the gap created by what goes unsaid.
The expectation to "be a man"
A man who grew up with sentences like "Real men don't cry," "I don't trust you" or "At your age I was supporting a household" may carry the feeling that he has always fallen short in his father's eyes. The bigger the gap between the father's ideal of a man and the son's own identity, the more the tension grows.
Career and life choices
When a father who wanted his son to become an engineer, a doctor or a civil servant sees his son choose to become a musician, a graphic designer or an entrepreneur, or when the son wants to move to another city rather than take over the family shop, land or company, deep rifts often follow. The father may perceive these choices as a rejection of his own labour; the son, meanwhile, tries to forge his own path without his father's approval.
Authority and rivalry
The struggle over "who listens to whom," which begins in adolescence, continues into adulthood in some families. As the son grows up, sets up his own business and perhaps starts earning more than his father, the balance of power between them shifts. For some fathers this change is a source of pride; for others it is experienced as a silent threat.
An unresolved past
Harsh discipline in childhood, a father who was never at home, mistreatment of the mother, alcohol or financial crises... When these experiences are left undiscussed, they remain as a shadow over the adult son's view of his father. In our article on the father wound, we look separately at how men whose bond with their fathers broke early or was never formed are affected.
The Two Faces of Conflict: Explosion and Silence
The tension between father and son usually shows itself in two different ways.
Open conflict: In some families, every conversation turns into an argument. Politics, money, work, marriage, raising children... Whatever topic comes up, voices rise in the end. In these families the mother or siblings often take on the role of mediator and get stuck between the two men.
Silent distance: The more common form is silence. Father and son don't fight; but they don't really talk either. Hands are kissed at the bayram (religious holiday), two sentences are exchanged on the phone, news is passed on through the mother. This relationship, which looks trouble-free from the outside, can hold deep loneliness inside. Many men say they were only able to have their first real conversation with their father when he fell ill or after he died.
Let's say a thirty-year-old engineer refused to work in his father's textile workshop in Bursa and moved to a software company in İzmir. His father has never openly criticised this decision; but on every bayram visit he teases, "We've got computers at the workshop too, you could work there," and when talking about his son to relatives, he never mentions his job. The son goes home after every visit feeling inadequate and angry, but tells no one. There is no fight between them; but there is a wound that never quite closes.
Another picture that has become common in recent years arises from economic necessity. Because of the high cost of living and soaring rents, men in their twenties or even thirties who continue living in their father's home, or who return after a while, may find themselves back under the rules of their teenage years. Small matters such as what time they come home, what money is spent on or what is watched on television can turn into major friction between an adult man's autonomy and his father's sense of "my house."
The Effects of Father-Son Conflict on Adult Life
Unresolved tension with a father can be reflected in many areas of an adult man's life.
Seeking approval. Men who feel they never fully won their father's approval may keep looking for it at work, from their managers or in their achievements. This can lead to overworking, a feeling that no achievement is ever enough and a constant sense of inadequacy.
Relationship with authority. A man who fought a battle over authority with his father may get into similar conflicts with his managers at work; he either constantly objects or, conversely, can't speak up at all.
Emotional expression. A man who could never talk about his feelings with his father may also struggle to share his feelings with his wife or partner. When emotions other than anger (sadness, fear, hurt) go unexpressed, distance and misunderstandings grow in relationships.
His own fatherhood. Many men who have sons catch themselves saying their father's words to their own son. The decision "I won't be like my father" is strong, but how to put it into practice is often unclear.
The hardest conversation with a father is often the one postponed the longest; yet postponing it does not make what goes unsaid any lighter.
So You Can Talk with Your Father Again
It is not possible to close a distance that has formed with your father over years in a single night. But small steps can change the direction of the relationship.
Try to see your father as a person
How much do you know about your father's childhood, his relationship with his own father, the difficulties he faced when he was young? Many fathers don't know how to give their sons a warmth they never received from their own fathers. Asking him about this period ("What was it like between you and Grandad?", "What did you go through in the army?", "How did you get started in this work?") helps you get to know him and helps him feel listened to.
Try being side by side
Between men, a direct emotional conversation face to face often feels difficult. Yet doing something together (fishing, fixing something, watching a match, setting off on a long drive) can let conversation flow more naturally. Many fathers and sons have their most important conversations not eye to eye but sitting side by side.
Start with a small sentence
Instead of a big confrontation, a small but sincere sentence is sometimes enough to open the door: "I know you've put a lot of work into this," "I was a bit harsh last time, I'm sorry" or "I'm curious about what you think." Your father not responding to these sentences right away does not mean he hasn't heard them. Some fathers give their answer not in words but by topping up your tea or checking your car's tyres the next time you meet.
Don't wait for approval; stand by your decision
Expecting your father to approve of every choice you make can keep you in a constant cycle of disappointment. It is possible to express your decisions respectfully but clearly and walk your own path despite his disapproval: "I know you don't like this decision. I respect your opinion, but this is my life."
Recognise your own anger
During father-son conflict, anger is often the first and fastest reaction, because for many men anger is a more acceptable feeling than showing hurt or helplessness. The moment you notice your voice rising and your jaw tightening while talking with your father, asking yourself "What am I actually hurt about right now?" helps you reach the feeling beneath the anger. When you can say that feeling ("When you said that, I felt like a child again"), the conversation can stop being a power struggle.
Prepare for the difficult conversation
If there is an important topic you really need to talk about with your father (a hurt from childhood, a decision about the family business, the way he treats your mother), it is more productive to have this conversation prepared rather than at an unplanned moment. It helps to think in advance about what you want to say, what you expect and what reactions you might face. The steps in our guide to difficult conversations can be helpful here.
Take your mother out of the go-between role
In many families, communication between father and son goes through the mother for years: "Tell your father," "Tell your son." This arrangement wears the mother out and drives father and son even further apart. Trying to talk directly, starting with small things, is an important step in rebuilding the relationship.
The Family Business and Inheritance: A Particular Area of Tension
In Turkey, many families are shaped around a shop, workshop, field or company handed down from generation to generation. In this case, father-son conflict takes on an economic and organisational dimension beyond being a family matter. The father's difficulty in letting go of the business, the son's wishes for change being turned down with "What do you know?", and questions about how the business will be divided between siblings can lead to tensions that last for years. In such situations, setting clear rules that separate the family relationship from the business relationship, putting roles and areas of authority in writing and, if necessary, getting support from an outside adviser can protect both the business and the family. You can also take a look at our article on conflict in family businesses, which covers this subject in more detail.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
- If after every encounter with your father you feel anger, hurt or inadequacy for days,
- If your relationship with your father is having a negative effect on your relationship with authority at work or on your own fatherhood,
- If, because of your father's old age or illness, you are anxious that "I'll lose him before I can say what I need to say,"
- If violence or harrowing experiences in childhood still affect your sleep, your relationships or your anger control,
- If conflicts over the family business or inheritance have seriously damaged your relationships with your siblings and your father.
How Is the Father-Son Relationship Addressed in Therapy?
Many men say their feelings about their father out loud for the first time in the therapy room. In this respect, individual therapy offers a space where hurt, anger and longing built up over years can be put into words without judgement.
Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), recurring thoughts in the relationship with the father ("He won't like anything I do," "There's no point talking to him") and the avoidance or conflict behaviours these thoughts lead to are examined. Work is done on preparing for a difficult conversation with the father, regulating oneself in moments of anger and expressing feelings.
From a schema therapy perspective, it looks at how schemas such as "defectiveness," "failure," "emotional inhibition" or "unrelenting standards" formed in the relationship with the father and how they are triggered in adult life. For example, a man who feels he never received approval from his father never feeling good enough at work may be a reflection of these schemas. As these connections are recognised, the person can build a more compassionate relationship both with his father and with himself.
Frequently Asked Questions
My father never talks to me about feelings; can I change that?
It may be hard to change your father's way of communicating completely; but small steps on your side can soften the tone of the relationship. Chatting while you do something together, asking about his life and sharing your own feelings in small doses can, over time, lay the ground for more open communication.
Should I change career without my father's approval?
Listening to your father's view when making a career decision can be valuable; but it is important that the final decision is yours. Explaining your decision to him in respectful language and remembering that his first reaction may change over time makes the process easier.
My father has fallen ill and I want to talk about the problems between us; how should I begin?
It helps to think of such conversations not as a big reckoning but as an opportunity to grow closer. Sharing the things you are grateful for while describing your hurts makes it easier for your father to listen to you without becoming defensive.
My mother always mediates between my father and me; is that a problem?
Although it lowers the tension in the short term, in the long term this arrangement wears your mother out and prevents a direct bond from forming between you and your father. Thanking your mother and telling her that you now want to take on this role yourself can help reshape the relationship.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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