If you feel stuck because your spouse doesn't like your family, learn why the tension arises, the weight of divided loyalty and how to protect both bonds.
A message from your mother arrives on your phone: "We're expecting you for lunch on Sunday; it's your dad's birthday." As you read it, you can already see the expression that will appear on your spouse's face. Perhaps over the last few months you have started telling your mother small lies: "Something came up at work; they can't make it." Perhaps you go to visits alone and dodge your spouse's question when you get back: "So what did they say this time?" The sentence "My spouse doesn't like my family" describes the weariness of someone caught between two loves: on one side the home you have built, on the other the family you grew up in. You don't want to choose between them, yet holding them together is getting harder and harder. In this article we look at the possible reasons for your spouse's distance from your family, what the person caught in the middle goes through, and what you can do while protecting both relationships.
My Spouse Doesn't Like My Family: What Does It Mean to Be Caught Between Two Loves?
In family therapy there is a situation known as "divided loyalty": a person feels that by staying close to one of two people they love, they are betraying the other. This is exactly what someone whose spouse doesn't like their family experiences. When you praise your mother's cooking, your spouse's face falls; when you defend your spouse, your mother's eyes fill with tears. Either way, you feel as though you have lost something somewhere.
This sense of being trapped is usually experienced in these forms:
- Being tense for days before family visits, and watching both sides' faces during the visit
- Defending your family against your spouse's comments about them, then feeling guilty towards your spouse
- Making up excuses to your family about why your spouse hasn't come
- Hesitating to share even good news from your family with your spouse
- A restlessness that grows as religious festivals or special occasions approach
An important point needs underlining here: your spouse not liking your family does not, on its own, show that they are a bad person or that your family are bad people. Very often it is a picture in which two different family cultures, old grievances and unspoken expectations have come together.
Why Might Your Spouse Not Like Your Family?
Understanding the reason is the first step in choosing what to do. Behind your spouse's distance there may be one or more of the following dynamics.
Real grievances
Much distance begins after a particular incident. A slight during the wedding preparations, a remark made at the engagement, a comparison in the early years or a lack of support during a hard time may not be forgotten even as years pass. For your spouse these incidents may be wounds that have never closed; for you, details long left behind.
Different family cultures
One family may be crowded, noisy, meet often and talk about everything, while the other is quieter, more reserved and values privacy. Partners who come from different cities, different lifestyles or different religious and cultural practices can easily read the habits of each other's families as disrespect or coldness.
What you have told them
This is a reason that is very often overlooked. When you have a problem with your family, you share your anger and hurt with your spouse. Then you make up with your family and forget the incident; but your spouse does not forget. Because they heard only your pain, they did not see the warmth that brought about your reconciliation. Over the years, these accumulated accounts can form a one-sided portrait of your family in your spouse's mind.
Your family's boundaries
Sometimes your spouse's complaints rest on a legitimate basis. Your family turning up at your home unannounced, interfering in your decisions, comparing your spouse with their own family or treating them as an "outsider" may lead your spouse to keep their distance to protect themselves.
Your spouse's own history
Someone who experienced intense conflict, neglect or control in their own family may be far more sensitive to similar signs in your family. They may hear an ordinary remark from your mother as if it were one of their own mother's criticisms.
Difficulty sharing you
Some spouses perceive their partner's close bond with their family as a kind of competition. The time you spend with your family feels to them like time not given to them. In this case, beneath the distance there may lie not so much dislike of your family as a fear of losing you.
My Spouse Doesn't Like My Family: Everyday Situations That Fuel the Tension
This distance is not felt with the same intensity at every time of year. In Turkey, some ordinary moments of family life make partners' differences over their families more visible.
- Religious festivals and holidays: which festival will be spent with whose family, and whether the summer holiday will be spent in the home town or somewhere else, become a subject of negotiation anew every year.
- Family group chats: morning greetings, photos and invitations arriving every day constantly remind your spouse of your family's presence in your life.
- Money matters: receiving help from your family or helping your family can stir a sense of "indebtedness" or "unfairness" in your spouse.
- Parents growing older: your mother or father beginning to need care means asking your spouse for more time, space and patience.
- The birth of children: when a grandchild arrives, your family coming to your home more often can sharpen your spouse's existing distance.
Sitting down with your spouse before these periods and talking about expectations prevents crises from erupting at the last minute. For example, a short conversation about plans two weeks before a festival is far less wearing than a row on the doorstep on the festival morning.
What the Person in the Middle Goes Through
The least discussed person in this picture is the one trying to be a bridge between the two sides. Being caught in the middle can, over time, become a heavy emotional burden.
Constant guilt: whichever side you stay close to, a sense of owing the other side arises. This guilt is like an alarm constantly running in the background of daily life.
Giving yourself up: while trying to please everyone, you may push your own wishes, needs and even feelings into the background. We look in detail at how the effort to please everyone can turn into a cycle in the article on the need to please everyone.
Hidden anger: anger can build up towards both your spouse and your family: towards your spouse for not accepting your family; towards your family for putting you in this position. This anger is often not voiced and is experienced as tiredness, lack of motivation or unease.
Loneliness: when you carry a burden you cannot fully share with either side, you may feel lonely even in the middle of your closest relationships. You cannot talk freely about your spouse to your mother, or about your mother to your spouse.
A split identity: you may notice that you have begun to be one person around your family and another around your spouse. Over time this split can lead you to feel you don't fully "belong" anywhere.
What Can I Do If My Spouse Doesn't Like My Family?
You cannot make your spouse love your family; love is not born of obligation. But there are things you can do to reduce the tension between you and free yourself from this trap.
Really listen to your spouse
When your spouse says something about your family, rather than leaping to their defence, try listening all the way to the end for once. The question "What hurts you most about my family?", followed by quiet, non-judgemental listening, can allow your spouse to voice for the first time things they have been storing up for years. Listening does not mean agreeing; but it is necessary for understanding.
Separate the complaint from the person
There is a difference between a general judgement such as "Your mother is rude" and a specific complaint such as "What your mother said about my cooking at the last festival hurt me". Invite your spouse to describe specific incidents rather than general judgements. A specific incident can be discussed, and perhaps passed on to your family; there is not much to be done with a general judgement.
Talk about the difference between loving and showing respect
Expecting your spouse to love your family may not be realistic; but expecting basic respect is a reasonable request. Agreeing on minimum rules such as greeting them, a short visit on special occasions and not belittling them in front of your family opens up a space in which you can both breathe. The same standard should apply to how your family treats your spouse.
Don't carry complaints about your spouse to your family
Pouring your heart out to your family after an argument with your spouse hardens their attitude towards your spouse. The reverse is also true: telling your spouse about every grievance you have with your family widens their distance from your family. To protect both relationships, take care not to carry loads about either side to the other.
Set boundaries with your family too
If your spouse's complaints have some justification, it is your responsibility to talk to your family about it. Saying "Mum, I don't want you to compare my spouse with other people; it really hurts them" shows your spouse that you are protecting them. This single step can noticeably soften your spouse's attitude towards your family.
Set up a flexible pattern of visits
You don't have to go to every visit together. You making some visits alone, with your spouse joining only on important occasions, can free you from being constantly caught in the middle. What matters is that this arrangement is agreed by the two of you and explained honestly to your family. Saying to your family, instead of evasive excuses like "My spouse can't come this time", "From now on I'll come to some visits on my own; it's a decision we made together" both lifts the burden of lying and reduces the chance that your family reads the situation as a personal rejection.
Let's say a woman noticed that her husband constantly spoke negatively about her mother and experienced every visit as an ordeal. One evening, without becoming defensive at all, she asked him what hurt him most about her family. Her husband told her that for years he had been unable to forget her father's remark before the wedding: "I wouldn't have wanted to give my daughter to a civil servant." She had never heard this remark. She spoke to her father; he called his son-in-law and said he was sorry for what he had said that day. The relationship did not change overnight, but for the first time there was a softening in her husband's attitude towards the family.
Being a bridge between two loves does not mean carrying each side to the other, but making room for each of them to build their own relationship with you.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Talking to a specialist may be helpful in the following situations:
- Family visits or issues relating to your family lead to arguments between you almost every week
- The burden of being caught in the middle causes constant unease, exhaustion or low mood
- You struggle to control your anger towards your spouse or your family
- Your spouse forbids you from seeing your family altogether, checks your phone or isolates you socially (these behaviours may be signs of a controlling pattern; we also touch on this in the article on the controlling spouse)
- Your children have begun to be caught up in this tension
These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but it may be time to consider seeking support to share the burden.
How Is This Problem Addressed in Therapy?
In couples therapy, the aim is for partners to be able to talk about their feelings towards each other's families in a safe environment. In therapy, both partners' family histories, the differences between their family cultures and old grievances are addressed together. When the needs and fears behind your spouse's negative feelings about your family become visible, mutual understanding can grow.
Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, thoughts such as "If they don't like my family, they don't fully love me either" or "If I stand by my spouse, I'll lose my family" are examined. From a schema therapy perspective, the work explores how patterns such as self-sacrifice and approval-seeking lead a person to wear themselves out between two sides. Individual sessions can also be valuable for the person caught in the middle, helping them to see their own needs again and to work on their guilt.
Frequently Asked Questions
What can I do to reconcile my spouse with my family?
Rather than taking reconciliation on single-handedly, make room for both sides to build their own relationship. Listen to your spouse's grievances, talk to your family where your spouse has a point, and then step back. Trying to force them together often increases the tension; time and consistent small steps are more effective.
My spouse doesn't want our children to see my family; what should I do?
In most cases it is valuable for children to maintain a safe relationship with their grandparents. Listen to your spouse's concerns about this; if there is a specific safety or behavioural problem, assess it together. If there is no such problem, it is important to find a shared arrangement so that the children are not deprived of this relationship, seeking support from a specialist if necessary.
My family doesn't like my spouse either; both sides complain about each other. Where should I start?
Start first by strengthening the relationship between you and your spouse, because the strength of your marriage determines how much effect the tension between the two families will have. Then aim not to carry negative comments about either side to the other, and to maintain minimum rules of respect. If you find it hard to strike this mutual balance on your own, seeking support as a couple can lighten the load.
Will my spouse not liking my family end our marriage?
On its own, it usually does not. Many couples maintain a satisfying marriage even though one partner does not feel close to the other's family. What matters is that this difference can be discussed within a framework of respect, and that you are not crushed between the two sides.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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