Has elderly mother care turned into a fight between siblings? Read why the care load is rarely shared equally, about caregiver burnout and fairer sharing.
On the day your mother was due to be discharged from hospital after her hip operation, a message appeared in the family group chat: "Who's taking Mum?" Then a long silence. Your older brother wrote that he was very busy at work, your sister that her flat was small; and you, once again, said "I'll take her." Six months have passed; you are worn out from getting up in the night to see to your mother, and the more you reproach your siblings, the bigger the arguments become. Elderly mother care is one of the topics that most often creates conflict between siblings. In this article we look at why the burden of care usually falls on one sibling, the effects of this on the caregiving sibling and on family relationships, and the steps that can be taken towards fairer sharing.
Why Does Elderly Mother Care Turn into a Fight Between Siblings?
A parent coming to need care is both a practical and an emotional crisis for the family. This crisis brings back to the surface the balances, resentments and roles that have existed between siblings for years.
Roles carried over from childhood
Roles such as "the responsible one", "the self-sacrificing one", "Mum's favourite" or "the one who keeps their distance" take shape in childhood and continue into adulthood. When the need for care arises, siblings often slip back into these old roles. The sibling who has taken on everything for years takes it on again; but this time the resentment inside is deeper.
Geographical closeness
The sibling who lives closest to the mother automatically becomes the primary caregiver. Siblings living in another city or country either struggle to contribute or feel that their contribution is not sufficiently recognised.
Gender expectations
In Turkey, care for older people is mostly expected from daughters and daughters-in-law. Beliefs such as "A daughter looks after her parents" or "A proper daughter-in-law looks after her mother-in-law" place a disproportionate burden on women's shoulders. Brothers, meanwhile, may be limited more to financial contributions or to the role of "decision-maker". This division can lead to anger and burnout in sisters.
Differences in financial circumstances
One sibling may be financially comfortable while another is struggling to make ends meet. Comparisons such as "I give money, she does the caring" or "I do the caring, he only gives money" create disagreement about how effort and money should be valued.
Spouses and daughters-in-law
When elderly mother care is discussed between siblings, the siblings' spouses are also a silent but important part of the equation. A brother saying "I'll take Mum" can in practice mean that most of the care falls to his wife. Even if a daughter-in-law agrees to look after her mother-in-law, this effort going unseen can cause deep resentment in the marriage. When making a care plan, it is necessary to talk honestly about who will actually provide the care and to ask the spouses for their views too.
The parent's own preferences
The mother may express an open or implicit preference about who she wants to take on her care. Words such as "I'm comfortable with my daughter" or "I won't go anywhere but my son's home" can create jealousy or pressure between siblings.
Postponed sibling issues
Issues left unspoken for years, such as inheritance, parental favouritism and past resentments, flare up again during the care process. Sentences such as "You were always Mum's favourite, so now you look after her" are really a settling of scores with the past, not the present. Our article on adult sibling relationships, where we look at the dynamics between adult siblings in more detail, may guide you on this.
The Burden on the Caregiving Sibling
The primary caregiving sibling often carries an invisible burden. This burden is not only physical:
- Physical fatigue: The mother's bathing, keeping track of medication times, doctor's appointments, waking in the night.
- Loss of time and career: Having to take leave, reduce working hours or even give up work.
- Social isolation: Being unable to see friends, go on holiday or give enough time to their own family.
- Emotional burden: Witnessing the mother's illness, her changing personality or cognitive decline; anxiety about death, anticipatory grief.
- Pressure on the marriage: The spouse's reproach, "Why don't your siblings do anything?"; the feeling that the children are being neglected.
- Not being appreciated: The siblings, and even the mother, taking the effort being made for granted.
When there is cognitive decline
When the mother's forgetfulness increases, when she asks the same questions over and over, becomes restless at night or struggles to recognise those close to her, the nature of care changes. In this period the caregiving sibling has to deal not only with physical needs but also with the mother's changing personality and behaviours such as suspiciousness or anger. Siblings who live further away may find their mother "perfectly fine" during short visits, because symptoms like these can fluctuate during the day. This difference leads to arguments that swing between "You're exaggerating" and "You don't see anything." Siblings attending medical assessments together can help everyone see the same picture.
This accumulated burden can, over time, turn into caregiver burnout. Constant tiredness, irritability, sleep problems, hopelessness, anger towards the person being cared for and the guilt that follows are among the signs of this burnout.
The Perspective of the Sibling Who Is Far Away or Contributes Less
Understanding the other side of the conflict can open the door to a more constructive conversation. What the sibling who seems to contribute less is going through is also often more complex than it looks:
- The helplessness and guilt that come with living far away,
- Not knowing what to do; being met with "Don't interfere, you're not here" when they try to contribute,
- Difficulties in their own family, work or health that they have not shared,
- Past resentments with their mother that are still unresolved.
These explanations do not justify the inequality of the care burden; but they help to move beyond the judgement "they don't care".
One of the most concrete things that can be done with a sibling who is far away is to ask them to define their contribution. The question "What can you do?" opens far more doors than "Why don't you do anything?" Sometimes the distant sibling will gladly take on following up medication orders online, arranging hospital appointments or calling their mother every evening for a chat; as long as this task is clearly given to them and their effort is recognised.
The burden of care can be shared, but only when it is talked about; a burden that is never discussed always stays on the same shoulders.
How Can Elderly Mother Care Be Shared Between Siblings?
Hold a family meeting
When the need for care arises, or when the current arrangement becomes unsustainable, it is very important to hold a meeting attended by all the siblings. Siblings who live far away can join by video. The aim of the meeting is not to blame but to assess together your mother's needs and the siblings' resources.
List the needs concretely
Care is often seen as a single task; in fact it is made up of many different tasks. Writing these tasks down makes sharing easier:
- Daily personal care (meals, bathing, dressing)
- Keeping track of medication and doctor's appointments
- Housework and shopping
- Financial expenses (medication, care supplies, carer's wages)
- Official paperwork (applications to the Social Security Institution (SGK), the bank, the municipality and for home care services)
- Emotional support and social visits
- Cover so that the caregiving sibling can rest
Define each person's contribution according to their circumstances
Not every sibling has to take on every task. While the sibling living nearby takes on daily care, the sibling further away can provide support by following up official paperwork, contributing financially or taking turns by having your mother to stay at weekends. What matters is that contributions are decided together and that the caregiving sibling's effort is also recognised as a "contribution".
Plan for the caregiving sibling to rest
Regular rest for the primary caregiving sibling is essential to prevent burnout. The other siblings taking over the care for a few days a month or during an annual holiday, short-term carer support or day care services can be considered for this purpose.
Put decisions in writing
Turning the arrangement you have discussed into a written plan reduces later arguments of the "That's not what I said" kind. This plan should be reviewed at regular intervals and as your mother's health changes. Keeping a shared expenses spreadsheet also reduces suspicion about where the money is going.
Ask for your mother's view too
If she is cognitively able to make decisions, asking your mother where and how she wants to be cared for protects her dignity and can also soften arguments between siblings. It may be necessary to find a balance between your mother's preferences and the siblings' resources.
Take the taboo out of alternative options
Options such as a home carer, day care centres or a care home are still often spoken of in Turkey with guilt and the worry "What will people say?" Yet in some situations these options may be the most suitable solution for both the mother's safety and the caregiving sibling's health. Our article on care homes and guilt may give you some ideas about the emotional difficulties involved. If you are thinking of having your mother come to live with you, our article on taking an elderly parent into your home also addresses important questions.
Let's say conversations always end in a fight
Let's say every family meeting ends up at the same point: someone cries, someone raises their voice, someone hangs up and leaves. In situations like these, it can help to have a neutral third person accompany the conversation, for example a relative close to the family whom everyone respects, or a professional. Limiting conversations to a single topic is also helpful: one meeting can cover only the weekend arrangements, the next only the expenses.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It may be useful to get support from a mental health professional in the following situations:
- If, as a caregiver, you constantly feel tired, hopeless, angry or burnt out,
- If you are having sleep problems, changes in appetite or physical complaints,
- If you sometimes feel intense anger towards your mother followed by guilt,
- If your relationship with your siblings has reached breaking point,
- If the burden of care is seriously affecting your marriage or your relationship with your children,
- If you are having moments during your mother's care when your patience runs out and you feel you might lose control.
Burnout can sometimes come with intense hopelessness and negative thoughts about living. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call 112 (emergency services) without waiting.
How Are the Burden of Care and Sibling Conflict Addressed in Therapy?
Individual therapy offers the caregiver a space to understand their own feelings and cope with burnout. In this process the following are usually worked on:
- Recognising feelings: Expressing, without judgement, complex feelings that are often experienced together, such as anger, guilt, grief, resentment and love.
- Setting boundaries and asking for help: Developing the skills to make concrete requests of siblings, to say "no" and to share responsibilities.
- Cognitive work: Questioning thoughts such as "If I don't look after her, no one will" or "If I ask for help, I'll be letting my mother down."
- A self-care plan: Creating a realistic plan for the caregiver to protect their own health, sleep and social relationships.
- Anticipatory grief: Recognising the grief that comes with witnessing the mother's decline and making room for it.
If conflicts between siblings are very intense, family sessions attended by the siblings together can, where appropriate, also make communication easier. Siblings who live far away can join these sessions online.
Frequently Asked Questions
I have taken on the care; is it right to ask my siblings for a financial contribution?
Yes, care requires both effort and financial resources. It is a fair request for the sibling who takes on the care to ask the other siblings to contribute to the costs. Talking about this through concrete figures and needs rather than blame makes agreement easier.
My siblings contribute nothing at all. What can I do?
First consider whether you have expressed concretely what you expect from your siblings; clear requests such as "You take Mum on the first weekend of every month" can be more effective than "Help me." If no contribution comes despite all your efforts, setting your own limits and looking for alternative solutions such as care support may be necessary to protect your own health.
My mother only wants me to look after her. What should I do in this situation?
It is understandable that your mother trusts you and feels comfortable with you; but this does not mean you must carry the whole burden alone. You can explain to your mother with compassion that an arrangement in which your siblings also support her would be safer for her too. It may take time for her to get used to part of her care being taken on by different people.
Does hiring a carer or applying to a care centre mean abandoning my mother?
No. Professional care support can, in some situations, be the most suitable option for your mother's safety and quality of life. Getting this support does not prevent you from keeping up your relationship with your mother and your love for her; on the contrary, it can allow you to be by her side as a more rested and compassionate son or daughter rather than as an exhausted caregiver.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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