Parental favouritism between siblings doesn't end in childhood; it goes on in title deeds, holidays and care. Read how to understand and live with this hurt.
You remember that when your sibling got married, your family bought them a home, while at your wedding you were told, "We're not in a position to right now." Or you grew up hearing "Be like your brother" from childhood; now you are forty, and you still notice how your mother's voice softens when she talks about your sibling on the phone. Parental favouritism between siblings is a hurt that most people try to brush aside with "We're grown up now, it's in the past," yet carry quietly inside. This favouritism begins in childhood with toys, pocket money and words of love; in adulthood it continues in title deeds, bayram (religious holiday) visits, the attention given to grandchildren and the burden of caring for an ageing parent. In this article we look at why this hurt runs so deep, how it is reflected in your adult life and how you can live with it in a healthier way.
What Is Parental Favouritism and How Does It Arise?
It is impossible for parents to treat every child exactly equally anyway. Children differ in age, needs, health and temperament; treating them differently can sometimes even be necessary. The problem is when the difference turns into a pattern in which one child consistently feels more valued and another feels less important.
This favouritism can take different forms:
- In love and attention: Hugging one child more often, spending more time with them, celebrating their achievements more.
- In rules and discipline: One child's mistakes being tolerated while another's are punished harshly.
- In material resources: A marked inequality in education, a home, a car, wedding costs or inheritance.
- In responsibilities: One child being excused from housework, caring for younger siblings or the family's emotional load, while another takes these on at an early age.
- In words: Comparisons such as "You've always been like this," "Your sibling is smarter than you" or "If only you were more like them."
In Turkey, there are some common sources of this favouritism. The son being seen as the one who will "carry on the family line" and "look after the family"; the eldest or the youngest child being placed in a special position; the child who chose the profession the family dreamed of being embraced more; all the attention going to one child because of an illness or disability: situations like these can create different positions among siblings.
Sometimes favouritism is also linked to the parent's own past. Feeling closer to the child who resembles them, repeating the rivalry they had with their own siblings through their children, or projecting their hurt about their spouse onto the child who resembles that spouse often happens without conscious awareness.
How Does Favouritism Continue in Adulthood?
Many people assume that the favouritism experienced in childhood will end on its own once they grow up. Yet favouritism often simply changes form.
Financial support and inheritance
A home being bought for one sibling while another pays rent without support; the family's plot of land, shop or house being put in one sibling's name; sons being given property and daughters a "trousseau": these are among the most concrete forms of favouritism in adulthood and the ones that cause the most hurt. Such inequalities can lead over time to long-lasting estrangement between siblings. You can also take a look at our article on sibling disputes over inheritance, which covers this subject in detail.
Sharing the burden of care
When parents grow old, care is rarely shared equally. In many families, the burden of care falls on daughters, on the sibling who lives in the same city or on the child of whom it is said "they were always with us anyway." The ironic part is that the child who gives the care is often the least favoured one, still trying to prove their love and worth. The favoured child, meanwhile, calls from afar and is greeted with great joy when they visit.
Favouritism between grandchildren
Favouritism can also be carried into the next generation. The favoured child's children are loved more, receive more presents and have more of their photos hanging on the wall. Seeing their own child experience the same favouritism reopens old wounds in the adult and deepens their anger towards their parent alongside the need to protect their child.
Bayrams and family gatherings
Small details such as whose home the family gathers in, whose word carries weight and who is handed the first plate at the table continue in adulthood to be quiet signs of favouritism.
Let's say that of two sisters, the elder won a place at university but was steered towards a school in their home town with the words "Your sister is younger, you need to look after her." Years later the younger sister studied in the city she wanted and, with the family's support, did a master's degree abroad. Now that their mother has fallen ill, it is the elder sister who looks after her every day; yet at every visit her mother asks, "What's my youngest doing, has she called?" The elder sister carries on caring for her mother while also carrying inside an anger and sadness she has never been able to voice.
A similar picture can form between brothers. The middle son, who worked unpaid for years in his father's shop, learns at a relative's wedding, and from someone else at that, that the title deed of the shop has been put in the eldest son's name because "he's the one who will carry on the family." What he experiences that day is not only a material loss but the feeling that years of his effort went unseen.
The Psychological Traces of Parental Favouritism
Some traces commonly seen in adults who experienced favouritism are:
A sense of worthlessness. The belief "I'm not worthy enough to be loved" is common in people who experienced favouritism in childhood. This belief can turn into a sense of inadequacy at work, in friendships and in romantic relationships.
A constant need to prove oneself. The child who feels less loved learns to work harder, be more agreeable, more successful and more self-sacrificing in order to win love. In adulthood, this attitude can lead to burnout and to ignoring one's own needs.
Oversensitivity to unfairness. Situations such as a colleague being favoured at work or a partner paying more attention to someone else can trigger disproportionately strong anger or hurt, because they touch an old wound.
A damaged relationship with the sibling. Although the parent is responsible for the favouritism, anger is often directed at the favoured sibling. Yet the favoured sibling did not choose to be part of this arrangement either; sometimes they too live with the burden of being the "golden child," under constant pressure to meet expectations. We look at ways of rebuilding the adult relationship between siblings in our article on adult sibling relationships.
Excessive precision in one's own parenting. Many parents who experienced favouritism try to give their own children everything in exactly equal measure. This effort is well-meant; but it can sometimes make it harder to see children's different needs.
How your family saw you was never the measure of who you really are; as a child you couldn't know that, but today you can choose to see yourself through these eyes.
How Can You Cope with This Hurt?
Don't minimise what you went through
Thoughts such as "It happens in every family," "Maybe I'm exaggerating" or "But they did so much for me too" can stop you from seeing the hurt you carry. Seeing the good things your family gave you and recognising the favouritism that hurt you are not mutually exclusive. Taking your own experience seriously first is the beginning of healing. Writing down the concrete moments you remember reduces the doubt "Maybe I'm remembering it wrong."
Find the right address for your anger
Part of the anger you feel towards your favoured sibling may actually belong to your parents. Making this distinction can help you reassess your relationship with your sibling and perhaps form a new bond with them. Some siblings who talk about this openly in adulthood discover that both of them struggled, in different ways.
Consider talking to your parents
Talking about this with your parents can be very hard; most parents find it difficult to admit to favouritism and become defensive with "I loved you all the same." If you decide to have the conversation, it is more productive to start with a specific, concrete issue than to try to settle the whole account of the past in one conversation: "I felt left out over the title deed of the house" is far easier to hear than "You never loved me."
Talk openly about the burden of care
If the care of an ageing parent rests on your shoulders, you don't have to carry this burden alone. Getting together with your siblings and openly discussing tasks, costs and responsibilities prevents anger from building up in silence. During this conversation, focusing on concrete arrangements rather than feelings reduces the chance of the discussion sliding into old hurts.
Review your expectations
For some people, the hope that their parents will one day acknowledge the past and apologise turns into a wait that lasts for years. Letting go of this expectation does not mean giving up on your parents; it means not making your own healing depend on their changing. Sometimes what needs to be accepted is that your parents may not be able to see you the way you want.
Nourish your sense of worth from other sources
You may be used to seeing your worth only through your family's eyes. Friendships that love you as you are, work that gives you meaning and values that matter to you help you get to know yourself outside the role your family assigned you.
When Parental Favouritism Is Still Going On: Boundaries
In some families, favouritism is not a memory from the past but a reality relived every week. In this case, regulating the present relationship is as important as trying to understand the past.
Be clear about requests for money and loans. When you are asked to help with the favoured sibling's debts, or when the family's shared savings are once again directed to the same person, it is your right to say, "I can't contribute to this" or "I'd like us to make shared decisions together."
Don't join in the comparisons. Rather than responding defensively to remarks like "Your sibling comes every week, why don't you?", giving a short, calm answer and changing the subject stops the discussion from sliding into old wounds.
Protect your children. If there is marked favouritism between grandchildren, talk about it not in front of your children but with your parents in private, using concrete examples. If necessary, deciding yourself on the form and length of visits ensures that your children don't carry the same wound.
Don't downplay your share. Naming your invisible labour in the family (hospital appointments, bills, preparations for the bayram) and asking for it to be shared when necessary prevents you from quietly burning out.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
- If hurt and anger about your family are constantly affecting your daily life and mood,
- If your relationship with your sibling has reached breaking point or you haven't spoken for years,
- If you are in serious conflict within the family over parental care or inheritance,
- If worthlessness, inadequacy or a constant need to prove yourself is making work and relationships hard,
- If you notice similar patterns in your relationship with your own children and find them hard to change,
- If you are experiencing symptoms such as low mood, hopelessness or intense anxiety.
How Are Sibling Favouritism and Family Hurts Addressed in Therapy?
In individual therapy, the story of the favouritism in your family is explored through your eyes and at your own pace. The aim is not to judge your family but to understand what this experience has put you through and what kind of life you want to build today.
In the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) approach, the core beliefs arising from the experience of favouritism ("I come second," "I have to prove myself to be loved") and their reflections in everyday life are examined. Questioning these beliefs and developing more balanced alternatives can change how a person sees themselves. Communication skills can be practised for difficult conversations with parents or siblings.
From a schema therapy perspective, it looks at how schemas such as "defectiveness," "emotional deprivation," "self-sacrifice" or "approval-seeking" relate to the experience of favouritism in the family. As the person learns how to give themselves today the approval and compassion they needed but didn't receive as a child, they can develop a sense of self-worth independent of their family's view.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is thinking my sibling was favoured just jealousy?
Jealousy is a natural emotion, and it is understandable for someone who experienced favouritism to feel it. But if there is a recurring, concrete and long-standing inequality, what you are feeling is not just jealousy but a legitimate reaction to real unfairness. Separating the two helps you understand your feelings without minimising them.
Can being the favoured sibling also be hard?
Yes. The favoured sibling often has to carry all the family's expectations, avoid making mistakes and live with their siblings' anger. Although this position looks advantageous from the outside, it carries a burden of its own.
My parents won't admit they played favourites; what can I do?
It is very common for parents to become defensive on this subject. Rather than waiting for their acknowledgement, focusing on expressing your own experience and protecting your boundaries is a more realistic path. If acknowledgement comes, it is a gift; if it doesn't, your experience is still valid.
How will this hurt affect my own children?
Parents who experienced favouritism may be more sensitive towards their children; but they may also unknowingly repeat similar patterns or apply equality too rigidly. Trying to see each child's needs individually and talking openly with them about these matters is the most solid way of breaking the chain.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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