How does favouritism between siblings affect a child? Fair versus equal treatment, unnoticed favouritism and how to answer a child who says you love them more.
As he slams the door and heads to his room, a nine-year-old boy throws his last sentence over his shoulder: "You don't love me anyway, you love her!" The mother left in the living room is bewildered; only an hour ago she bought them both the same ice cream and took them both to the same park. The father, meanwhile, struggles to admit something to himself: he really does get on more easily with his little daughter. Favouritism between siblings is one of the subjects parents fear most and talk about least, because no mother or father wants to think they love one of their children less. Yet favouritism usually lies not in the amount of love but in small everyday behaviours, labels and expectations. In this article we look at the difference between being fair and being equal, the favouritism that happens without our noticing, its effects on the child, and how you can respond to a child who says "you don't love me".
What Is Favouritism Between Siblings? Perception or Reality?
Favouritism between siblings is when parents systematically treat one of their children differently from the others in terms of attention, affection, warmth, privileges, criticism or responsibilities. The word "systematically" is important here: giving one child more time on a particular day is not favouritism; but the same child always being favoured, or the same child always being criticised, over months and years, is.
The complicated part is that favouritism also has a dimension experienced through the child's eyes. A parent may consider themselves entirely fair while the child feels deeply wronged. Research also shows that what is decisive for a child's mental health is often not only the actual difference, but how the child perceives and makes sense of that difference. If a child understands the reason for being treated differently and finds it reasonable — for example, knowing that their mother is giving more attention to their sibling because the sibling is ill — the negative effects are markedly reduced.
So the question is not only "Am I really favouring one child?" but also "How is my child experiencing this difference, and how am I explaining it to them?"
The Difference Between Being Fair and Being Equal
To avoid favouritism, many parents try to give everything in exactly equal measure: the same number of sweets, presents costing the same amount, bedtime at the same minute. This effort is understandable, but it often does not work, for two reasons.
First, children are different. The closeness a three-year-old needs and the independence a ten-year-old needs are not the same. One calms down with a hug, the other wants to be left alone. Giving everyone the same thing sometimes means fully meeting no one's needs.
Second, chasing equality pushes children to keep constant score. Arguments such as "Her slice is bigger than mine" or "You read him five more minutes of story" happen more often in homes where equality is being measured.
Being fair, on the other hand, means treating each child according to their needs. Giving one child more support during a period when they are struggling at school, making the other feel special on their birthday, allowing the older one a later bedtime — this is fairness, because each responds to that child's needs at that moment and to their stage of development.
Fairness is not giving everyone the same shoes, but giving each person shoes that fit their own feet.
How Does Favouritism Happen Without Our Noticing?
The hardest thing about favouritism is that it is usually not a conscious choice. The following patterns settle into many families without anyone noticing.
Labels: "Our hard-working girl", "And this one's the troublemaker of the house", "He always causes problems." Once attached, labels start to determine how a child is seen, and even how they see themselves. When the "naughty" child does something good, it goes unnoticed; the mistakes of the "good" one are overlooked.
Temperament fit: Parents generally get on more easily with the child whose temperament resembles their own. A calm mother may easily understand her calm daughter while constantly being worn out by her lively son's energy. Without her noticing, this tiredness shows up as more frequent criticism and less warmth.
Gender expectations: In many families in Turkey, a daughter is expected to help with housework while her brother is exempt from this responsibility. Or a son is given more freedom to go out while his sister's every step is questioned. An emphasis on having "a son" can make girls feel second in line both for love and for privileges.
Birth order: The youngest child often stays "the baby" and grows up with more flexible rules; the older child is the one who "should be understanding". Middle children sometimes remain invisible between the two.
A sibling with special needs or an illness: A sibling with a chronic illness, a developmental difference or special needs naturally takes up a large part of the parent's time and energy. The other child may quietly stay in the background and hesitate to voice their own needs.
Favouritism by others: Sometimes it is not the parent who shows favouritism but grandparents, aunts or neighbours. Remarks like "Isn't this one sweet — the other one was never like this" can stay in a child's heart longer than anything the parent says.
Comparison: Comparing siblings with each other, whether in the form of praise or criticism, strengthens the perception of favouritism. We cover this subject separately in our article on comparing children.
How Does Favouritism Between Siblings Affect a Child?
In a child who constantly feels second best, the following reactions may be seen:
- Intense anger, rivalry and fighting towards the sibling
- Thoughts of worthlessness such as "Nobody loves me" or "I can't do anything right anyway"
- An increase in negative behaviour to get the parent's attention
- Or, conversely, withdrawal, going quiet, making themselves invisible
- A drop in school performance, changes in sleep and appetite
Interestingly, the favoured child does not always come out ahead either. Always staying in the role of "the good one" can be a heavy burden; they may have to cope with a fear of making mistakes, guilt towards their sibling and the anger coming from them.
In the long term, favouritism experienced in childhood can leave traces in adulthood too. Distance between siblings may flare up again over issues such as the care of an ageing parent or inheritance. You can read how adult siblings carry this burden in our article on parental favouritism among siblings. If you are wondering how feelings of worthlessness in childhood affect self-confidence, our article on self-confidence in children may also guide you.
What Do You Say to a Child Who Says "You Love Her, Not Me"?
The first reflex of parents who hear this sentence is usually to get defensive: "Of course not, I love you both equally!" Yet this answer rarely convinces the child. Because the child is not measuring love; at that moment they feel unseen.
A more helpful approach includes these steps:
Acknowledge the feeling: "It sounds like you felt left out today. That's a horrible feeling."
Ask with curiosity: "What happened that made you feel this way?" Perhaps it was the attention given to their sibling's drawing, perhaps the guests not noticing them at all... The concrete moment the child describes gives you a valuable clue.
Express love without putting it in competition: "I love you because you're you. I don't have another child like you, and I never could." This sentence takes love out of the realm of competition and emphasises the child's uniqueness.
Respond to the need: "Would you like to spend some time with just me? Shall the two of us go for a walk after dinner?" More than words, this concrete step makes the child feel seen.
Do not argue or present evidence: Reeling off a list such as "We bought you shoes last week too, have you forgotten?" amounts to telling the child their feeling is wrong. The child then looks for more examples to prove themselves right, and the argument grows. When you acknowledge their feeling, the need to keep score diminishes by itself.
Let us picture a scene: a seven-year-old girl says nothing at dinner after her older sister's school report is shared in the family group and congratulations pour in from everyone. As she goes to bed she tells her mother, "Nobody shared my drawing." Rather than comparing the report and the drawing or saying "Yours was nice too", the mother asks which of her drawings her daughter would like to show the family the next day, and they put it up on the fridge together. A small gesture repairs the child's feeling that "I am seen too".
Look honestly at your own behaviour: If you hear this sentence often, ask yourself later, at a calm moment: in recent weeks, have I really given one child less time, or criticised them more?
Practical Suggestions for Parents
- Regular one-to-one time with each child: A time slot that belongs only to that child, however short, is the foundation of the feeling "I matter too".
- Drop the labels: Instead of dividing children into "the good one" and "the naughty one", describe the behaviour: "Today you started your homework by yourself."
- Explain differences: Explanations such as "Your brother is ill so I'm looking after him more this week. It was like this when you were ill too" make different treatment understandable.
- Share responsibilities evenly: Give household tasks according to age and ability, not gender.
- Speak up with others: If you notice grandparents or relatives constantly putting one child in the spotlight, step in gently and make room for the other child too.
- Share observations with your partner: Sometimes one parent sees favouritism the other does not notice. Giving each other feedback without judgement makes it easier for both of you to stay balanced.
- Recognise achievements in different areas: One child's success in lessons is as valuable as another's skill in sport, music or friendships. Finding the area where each child shines and making it visible in the family stops siblings from racing in the same lane.
- Look at your own past: If you experienced favouritism in your own childhood — or were the favoured one — this experience may be reflected in your attitude today without your realising it.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It may be helpful to see a professional in the following situations:
- If your child constantly says they are not loved or not wanted
- If the anger and rivalry between siblings is turning into violence
- If one of the children shows marked withdrawal, unhappiness or thoughts of worthlessness
- If you notice that you feel intense anger, resentment or an inability to feel close towards one child
- If you feel you cannot make enough room for your other child because of the care needed by a child with special needs or an illness
There is nothing shameful about a parent having more difficult feelings towards one of their children; when these feelings are talked about and understood, they can change.
How Is Fairness Between Siblings Addressed in Therapy?
The process often begins with parent sessions. The family's daily routine, the quality of the relationship with each child, how the parents describe each child and their own childhood experiences are discussed. In these sessions, parents may notice, for example, that they always use positive words when describing one child and problem-focused words when describing the other.
When working with the child, a child and play therapy approach gives a child who feels second best space to express this feeling safely. Families acted out in play often show who stands at the front and who at the back more clearly than words do.
With school-age children, a cognitive behavioural approach examines generalisations such as "Nobody loves me", and the child's experiences that support and do not support this thought are assessed together. Insights from schema therapy can help in understanding how themes parents carry from their own childhood, such as defectiveness or emotional deprivation, are reflected in their parenting today.
Frequently Asked Questions
I feel as if I love one of my children more. Is this normal?
It is common for parents to bond more easily with one child at certain times, and this is often linked to temperament fit or the difficulties of that period. Noticing this feeling is not something to blame yourself for; it is the beginning of change. Creating enjoyable one-to-one moments with the child you find it harder to connect with softens the relationship over time.
Should I buy presents for both children on birthdays?
This decision varies from family to family. But a birthday is the day that child is special. Rather than buying the other child a present, reminding them that they too will have their own special day, and including them in the celebration, is usually more instructive.
What should I do if the older child says the younger one has more privileges?
First listen to the complaint; they may have a point. Then make the privileges suited to their age visible — for example, a later bedtime or an activity of their own choosing. It is important for the older child to feel that not only their responsibilities but also their privileges grow.
My children have grown up; if I showed favouritism in the past, can I do anything now?
Yes. Acknowledging the past and being able to talk about it with your child can be healing for the relationship even in adulthood. A sentence such as "In those years I couldn't make enough room for you, and I recognise that" can lighten a burden carried for a long time.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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