Caring for ageing parents is rarely shared equally between siblings. Read about the hurt of the one who carries it alone and ways to share the load more fairly.
On the first night after your mother's hip operation, you were the one who slept in the companion's chair at the hospital. In the weeks that followed, you kept track of her medication times, you took her to her physiotherapy appointments, and you were the one who got up at night to help her to the toilet. Your older brother rang from Istanbul and said, "Let me know if you need anything," and your younger sister came for two days over the holiday and left again. Everyone says you are "taking such good care of her", yet nobody offers to stay even one night in your place. When caring for ageing parents is divided this unevenly between siblings, a quiet resentment is added to the exhaustion. In this article we look at why the burden of care so often ends up on the shoulders of a single sibling, how this affects family relationships, and how siblings can talk about sharing it more fairly.
Why Does the Burden of Care Fall on One Sibling?
Parents' ageing rarely arrives in a family with a plan. It begins with a fall, a diagnosis or a sudden hospital admission. In those first days, whoever is closest, whoever has the most flexible job or whoever says "I'll handle it" ends up with the care. An arrangement that begins as temporary quietly becomes permanent.
In Turkey, some familiar factors shape this division:
- Geography: The sibling who lives in the same city as the parent, or even in the same neighbourhood, naturally becomes the "first one called".
- Gender expectations: The idea that care falls to the daughter is still strong in many families, even if it is never said out loud. Daughters-in-law can also find themselves caught up in this expectation.
- Being married or not: A single sibling being seen as someone who "doesn't have responsibilities to anyone anyway" can saddle them with a disproportionate share.
- Role in the family: The sibling who has been seen since childhood as "the responsible one" or "mum's helper" carries this role on into adulthood.
- The parent's preference: Some mothers and fathers will accept care only from one of their children, or feel at ease only with that one.
None of these factors is unjust on its own. The problem is that the arrangement is set up without ever being discussed, and is not revisited as the burden of care grows.
Why Does Caring for Ageing Parents Turn Into Resentment Between Siblings?
Invisible work
Most of the work of care cannot be seen from outside: waking in the night, sorting out pill boxes, talking to the doctor, patiently answering your mother when she asks the same question for the tenth time. The sibling who lives far away visits at the weekend and says only, "Mum looks well." That sentence can leave the person providing the care feeling that their effort has been dismissed.
"But I'm sending money"
Financial support is valuable and often necessary. But the time, physical and emotional dimensions of care cannot be fully covered by money. While the sibling who pays the costs may feel they have contributed enough, the sibling who is there every day may think, "I'm giving my time, my job, my health." Both sides can see their own contribution as large and the other's as small.
Old accounts are reopened
The caregiving process can bring childhood sibling dynamics back to life. Feelings such as "Mum always loved him more" or "I've always been the one who made sacrifices" get mixed into today's division of the load. That is why arguments between siblings often touch a place much older than the current issue. We explore this layered relationship between adult siblings in more detail in our article on adult sibling relationships.
A say in decisions
It is common for siblings who do not provide care to voice strong opinions about the parent's treatment, where they will live or how money is spent. Sentences such as "Why did you take her to that doctor?" or "Hiring a carer is a waste of money" both wear out and anger the person who is actually doing the work.
The burden of care is not measured in hours alone; feeling that you are carrying it by yourself is the heaviest part.
The Inner World of the Sibling Who Provides the Care
The feelings of someone who carries on providing care alone are often contradictory:
- Love and loyalty: They care for their mother or father because they want to; they see it not as a debt but as a value.
- Anger: They are angry about their siblings' absence, about promises not kept and about their own life being put on hold.
- Guilt: They feel bad for being angry, thinking, "How shameful to be fed up with my own mother."
- Loneliness: They cannot see their friends and cannot spend enough time with their spouse and children.
- Exhaustion: Sleeplessness, constant tiredness, impatience and never having any time for themselves.
The tiredness experienced by a carer can build up into burnout. You can find the signs of this process and ways to protect yourself in our article on carer burnout.
The person providing the care often also finds it hard to ask for help. Thoughts such as "Even if I ask, they won't come," "It's quicker if I do it myself" or "Mum doesn't like anyone else doing it" can close off the possibility of sharing the load from the very start.
The perspective of the sibling who lives far away or contributes less
For a fair division, it is also necessary to understand the other side. The sibling who takes little part in the care is not always uncaring.
- They may live in another city or abroad and be squeezed by their job and children.
- Their relationship with the parent may have been difficult and hurtful since childhood.
- Facing illness and old age may feel unbearable to them; avoidance may be a fear response.
- They may genuinely not know what is needed, because the sibling providing the care handles everything on their own.
- They may feel that help they offered was turned down or belittled.
These explanations do not invalidate your hurt. But considering these possibilities, rather than reading your sibling's behaviour simply as "lack of love", makes it easier to build the conversation around solutions instead of blame.
Let's say your younger sister cries every time she visits and sees the state your mother is in, and leaves early. It is easy to see this as indifference; yet she may be unable to cope with the pain of witnessing her mother grow frail. Offering a sibling like this tasks that are emotionally more bearable than physical care, such as official paperwork or regular phone calls, can be a realistic way of bringing her into the process.
How Can Siblings Talk About Caring for Ageing Parents?
First, make the situation concrete
The sentence "You never help" provokes defensiveness. Instead, write down a week's worth of caring tasks: how many doctor's appointments, how many times you woke in the night, which shopping trips, which payments. Listing invisible work shows your siblings the real picture and moves the discussion from emotion to concrete information.
Plan a family meeting
Conversations held around the holiday table or in a hospital corridor usually end in a row. Instead, plan a calm meeting that all the siblings can attend, by video call if necessary. If your parent's condition allows, include their wishes in this conversation too.
Break the tasks into parts
Care is not a single job; it is made up of many small tasks. A sibling who lives far away can take on ordering medication, correspondence with institutions, and insurance and bill paperwork. Another sibling who lives nearby can take over completely for one day a week or one weekend a month. One can keep track of expenses and another of appointments. Concrete, measurable tasks are far more useful than "Call me if anything happens."
Speak in "I" language
Saying "For the last three months I've hardly been able to sleep, and I've realised I can't carry this load on my own" instead of "You always run away" makes it easier for the other person to listen without becoming defensive.
Look at outside support options together
Researching options together with your siblings, such as day care centres, home care services, the elderly support units of local municipalities or a part-time carer, stops the load from circulating only within the family. These options are not a lack of love but part of sustainable care.
Put decisions in writing
It is common for what was agreed to be forgotten or remembered differently a few weeks later. Writing a short summary in the family messaging group makes clear who has taken on what. It is also important to review the arrangement at regular intervals, for example every three months, because a parent's needs change over time.
Your Parent's Voice and the Question of Money
In arguments between siblings, the person most easily forgotten is often the parent receiving the care. If your mother's or father's cognitive state allows, asking where they want to live, whose help they are comfortable accepting and on which matters they want to make their own decisions both protects their dignity and puts the discussion between siblings on firmer ground. The question "What does Mum want?" should come before the question "Who is doing how much?"
Do not put off the conversation about money
What with medication, incontinence pads, a hospital bed, taxi fares and the cost of a carer, the cost of care grows quietly. When nobody talks about whose pocket the expenses are coming from, one day a small expense can light the fuse of a big row. Keeping a shared notebook or a simple spreadsheet, being transparent about how the parent's own pension is used and agreeing regular contributions in advance all reduce mistrust.
Worries about the house and the future
As the period of care lengthens, questions may arise about who stays in the parent's home or what will happen to the house in future. When these matters are quietly left to pile up, they can turn into disputes that drive siblings apart years later. Talking openly about sensitive subjects, getting information from a lawyer if necessary and making decisions with the parent's knowledge help to prevent hurt feelings later on.
Religious holidays and special days
Religious holidays are the days when siblings who live far away come home and the family picture becomes visible again. For the sibling providing care, these days can bring both the hope of a break and the hurt of "They come for a week and talk as if they know everything." Turning holiday visits into a chance to rest, with the visiting sibling taking over the care completely for a few days, eases this tension.
How Can You Protect Yourself as the One Providing Care?
However much your siblings contribute, protecting your own boundaries is in your hands.
- Set aside at least one block of free time each week, and arrange for someone else to stay with your parent during those hours.
- Try saying "no": You do not have to respond to every request immediately.
- Do not put off your own health: Do not push your own medical check-ups, sleep and nutrition behind the caring.
- Look after your own immediate family: Your spouse and children also need your time and attention.
- Do not judge your feelings: Anger, weariness or the thought "I wish this were over" are common among carers and do not make you a bad son or daughter.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It can be helpful to talk to a professional in the following situations:
- If you have been experiencing chronic tiredness, sleeplessness or frequent illness for a long time
- If you notice that your patience with your parent has run out and you are finding it hard to keep control of yourself
- If your anger at your siblings has reached the point of breaking off the relationship
- If your relationship with your own spouse and children is noticeably suffering
- If you cannot enjoy anything and feel hopeless and trapped
How Are the Burden of Care and Resentment Between Siblings Addressed in Therapy?
In therapy, the carer's burden is first made visible. Many people describe the full extent of their exhaustion for the first time in therapy.
With a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, beliefs such as "If I don't do it, nobody will," "If I ask for help I'll look weak" or "A good son or daughter never gets tired" are noticed and questioned. Work focuses on skills for setting boundaries, asking for help and preparing for difficult conversations. Before a family meeting with your siblings, what to say and how to say it can be planned together. The childhood role of "the self-sacrificing sibling" and the schemas that come with it can also be opened up for discussion, because part of the way you accept today's burden is connected with this old role.
A space where you can talk regularly about your own experiences and boundaries can be created within the process of individual therapy. When needed, sessions attended by family members can also be added to the process.
Frequently Asked Questions
My siblings never help. Should I cut ties with them?
Rather than making permanent decisions while you are angry, it is more useful to first try a concrete, calm conversation. If nothing changes even though your requests have been made clear, it is possible to redraw the boundaries of the relationship; but this decision should be made thoughtfully, not in haste.
How can a sibling who lives far away contribute to care?
A sibling who lives far away can take on concrete responsibilities such as keeping track of appointments and official paperwork, organising orders for medication and supplies, keeping in touch with the parent through regular video calls and coming at certain times to take over the care completely.
Is considering a carer or a day care centre something I should feel guilty about?
No. Getting outside support is a way of being able to care for your parent for longer and in a healthier way. An exhausted carer can be good neither for themselves nor for their parent; getting support is not running away from responsibility but making it sustainable.
My mother only wants me to look after her. What can I do?
It is understandable for elderly parents to attach themselves to the one child they trust. Having other siblings or a carer take part in the care for short periods, while you are also there, can make it easier for your parent to get used to others over time. Planning this transition patiently and in small steps helps.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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