Anxious and guilty about ageing parents far away while you live abroad? Read about the psychological burden of long-distance caregiving and concrete ways to cope.
Does your stomach tighten for a moment every time the phone rings? When your mother's voice sounds a little tired, or when your father says "I'm fine" and you sense he is hiding something, do you find yourself helpless, wondering what you can do from thousands of kilometres away? When ageing parents are far away, a silent but constant anxiety forms in the background of daily life for many Turks living abroad. On one side are your own job, your children and the life you have built; on the other are your parents, growing old, falling ill, perhaps left on their own. In this article I will try to explain why long-distance caregiving anxiety can feel so heavy, what signs it gives, what tensions it can create in the family and what you can do to carry this burden.
What Is the Anxiety of Having Ageing Parents Far Away?
Long-distance caregiving anxiety is a state of constant alertness caused by feeling responsible for the health, safety and happiness of someone you love while being unable to be physically beside them. Sometimes this anxiety starts with a particular event: your father having an operation, your mother falling, one parent dying and leaving the other alone. Sometimes it builds up slowly; on every summer visit you see that your parents have slowed down a little more, become more forgetful and are finding it harder to look after the house.
For someone living abroad, this situation has a distinct meaning. In Turkish culture, looking after ageing parents is often seen as a natural part of being a son or daughter. The understanding that "a child is the one who is by your side in your old age" can create a deep sense of responsibility and indebtedness in those who have left. The distance of living abroad makes it harder to fulfil this responsibility.
Signs of Long-Distance Caregiving Anxiety
This anxiety does not always show itself openly as "I'm worried". Some signs are more indirect:
- Keeping your phone with you constantly, feeling uneasy when it is off or on silent
- Intense fear of calls that come late at night or very early in the morning
- Moving straight to health questions when you ring your parent, so that the conversation turns into questioning
- Building scenarios before sleep: "What if something happens and I can't get there in time?"
- Anger, jealousy or embarrassment towards your siblings in Turkey
- Devoting almost all your holidays, savings and days off to visits to Turkey and leaving yourself no space at all
- Distraction, irritability and sleep problems at work or at home
- Feeling guilty when you enjoy your own life
These signs on their own do not amount to a diagnosis. Being anxious for people you love is a human response. But if the anxiety clearly affects your daily functioning, it is important to take steps to work with it.
Why Does This Anxiety Feel So Heavy?
Distance you can't control
Anxiety is fed by uncertainty and lack of control. You cannot see directly how a relative who is not beside you is doing; information often arrives incomplete, delayed or softened. Many parents downplay their illness so as not to upset their child: "There's nothing wrong with me, you get on with your work." This well-meant protection can lead the child far away to fill the gaps in their mind with the worst scenarios.
Cultural expectations and the voice of "what will people say"
Some sentences said by relatives, neighbours or the parents themselves can add to the burden: "Your son has gone too, who will look after you?", "Your daughter is comfortable over there, and you're here all on your own." These sentences are sometimes not spoken but are felt. The person abroad may feel they are constantly being tested.
Imbalance between siblings
When siblings who stayed in Turkey take on day-to-day care, an invisible account book can start to be kept in the family. The sibling nearby may feel exhausted and left alone; the one far away may feel both guilt and "I'm not included in decisions". Sending money is sometimes seen as a way of restoring this balance, but it does not on its own lighten the emotional load.
Reversal of roles
It is an emotionally difficult transition when the parents who once looked after and protected you now need care themselves. Your father giving up driving, your mother mixing up her medicines, or your having to make decisions on their behalf can awaken in you both tenderness and a deep sadness. Someone living nearby sees this change step by step and has time to take it in. The child far away often notices the change all at once and with a shock, once or twice a year. Imagine that your father, who went to the market on his own when you visited two years ago, asks this summer to take your arm on the stairs. The shock and sadness you feel at that moment are not only about today; they include grief for the time you feel you have missed.
Conflict with your own life
The life you have built abroad is often too deeply rooted to be left easily: your children's school, your partner's job, your residence permit, your own profession. The question "Should I go back?" can circle constantly in your mind. I cover this subject separately in the article on returning to Turkey or staying.
The Effect on Family, Marriage and Children
Long-distance caregiving anxiety affects not only you but also your immediate family abroad.
Your relationship with your partner: Frequent and long visits to Turkey, money sent, the idea of bringing your parent to live with you, or discussions about returning can create tension between couples. If your partner comes from a different culture in particular, they may find it hard to understand caring expectations in a Turkish family. If your partner is Turkish too, sharing time and resources between the two sets of parents can become a new subject of argument.
Children: Children often notice their parents' anxiety. Regular video calls are valuable for them to form a bond with their grandmothers and grandfathers, but your tension at the phone can pass to them as well. Explaining an elderly grandparent's illness in language suited to the child's age both protects them and includes them in the process. For example, a short, honest and hopeful explanation such as "Grandad's heart has got a bit tired, the doctors are helping him, and we'll call him often to cheer him up" reduces the uncertainty in a child's mind. Your child drawing a picture for their grandfather or sending a voice message can help both of them feel connected.
Your own health: Being constantly on guard tires the body too. Sleeplessness, headaches, stomach problems and a feeling of burnout can appear. Sometimes this process intertwines with the feeling known as the guilt of the one who left.
What You Can Do Yourself When Your Parents Are Far Away
You cannot remove the distance, but you can change your relationship with the distance. Here are concrete steps:
Separate what you can control. Draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper. On one side write what you can control (how often you call, following doctors' appointments, communication with siblings, an emergency plan), and on the other what you cannot (ageing, the course of illness, your parent's decisions). Direct your energy to the first column.
Prepare a family emergency plan. Gather in one place information such as a list of the medicines your parent takes, their doctors' contact details, the phone number of a neighbour or relative nearby, and who holds the key to the house. Knowing what to do in a crisis can markedly reduce uncertainty anxiety.
Agree roles openly with your siblings. Hold a family meeting by video. Who makes the daily visits, who follows the doctors' appointments, who contributes financially, who handles official procedures? The person far away can also take on tasks that can be done remotely, such as bureaucratic matters, research and planning appointments. Openly recognising the effort of the sibling nearby protects the relationship.
Reorganise your calls. Don't let every conversation turn into a health report. Keep health questions short and shift the conversation to memories, your parent's interests and the grandchildren. Tying calls to particular days and times can reduce constant phone checking.
Notice catastrophic scenarios. When a thought such as "What if they fall and nobody finds them?" comes, ask yourself: "How realistic is this possibility? What will I do if it happens? Is there anything I can do about it right now?" If there is a step that can be taken, take it; if not, notice the thought and bring your attention back to the present.
Make visits planned. Instead of sudden trips made in a panic, make planned visits at set times of the year as far as possible. On these visits, set aside time not only for doctors and official matters but also to spend enjoyable time together.
Don't put your own life on hold. Feeling guilty about your own happiness does not benefit your parent. Resting, taking holidays and spending time with friends are necessary for you to be able to keep carrying the load you carry.
Look into support options in Turkey. Discuss options such as home care, municipal services or a reliable helper with your parent, respecting their dignity and wishes. For an older person the feeling of "are you hiring a carer for me?" can be hurtful; including them in decisions helps them keep their independence.
Open up a space for your feelings. Don't carry anxiety and sadness only inside you. Talking to a friend you trust, writing down your feelings or sharing with other people abroad going through a similar process can lighten part of the load.
Being far away does not mean your love or your sense of responsibility is lacking; it only means that care is being given in a different form.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Speaking to a mental health specialist may be helpful in the following situations:
- If your anxiety has clearly affected your sleep, work or relationships for weeks
- If you constantly feel guilt, worthlessness or hopelessness
- If you feel completely helpless and exhausted in the face of your parent's illness or loss
- If you are in constant conflict with your partner or siblings over the decision to return or over care arrangements
- If you have panic attacks, intense physical symptoms of anxiety or constant crying spells
If you have thoughts of harming yourself or of not wanting to live, call the emergency number of the country you are in (112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia). Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, the support of local emergency services and psychiatric services is needed.
How Do We Work in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?
The subject of caring for ageing parents is intertwined with cultural values and family roles. In therapy conducted in Turkish, you can focus directly on the feeling itself, without having to explain concepts such as "evlat borcu" (a child's debt to their parents), "hakkını helal etsin" (asking a parent to forgive what is owed) or "elin oğlu ne der" ("what will people say"). Mental health services in the country where you live are also a valuable option; some people prefer to use both together.
A piece of work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can address the following topics:
- Understanding the cycle of anxiety: We look at which situations (a phone call, a silence, a piece of news) trigger anxiety, which thoughts magnify it and which behaviours (constant calling, checking) bring relief in the short term but maintain anxiety in the long term.
- The balance between guilt and responsibility: Rules such as "A good child is always by their parent's side" are noticed, and a more flexible, realistic sense of responsibility is built.
- Communication skills: Practical ways of communicating are worked on for sharing roles with siblings, difficult conversations with a parent and decision-making with a partner.
- Grief and acceptance: Emotional space is opened for the expected losses that come with a parent's ageing (losing their former strength, changing roles).
- A self-care plan: Concrete steps are set to protect your own resources, from sleep to social support.
Sessions can be planned taking the time difference into account; a quiet room, headphones and a secure connection are enough. For more information, you can look at the Turks Abroad page and the online therapy service.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does living abroad and not caring for my parent make me a bad son or daughter?
No. Care is not measured only by physical closeness. Regular communication, taking part in decisions, financial or organisational support and emotional closeness are also parts of care. A feeling of guilt can be a sign of love, but it may not reflect reality accurately.
Should I bring my parent to live with me?
This is a complex decision that depends on many factors, such as health, your parent's wishes, language and social circle, and residence and insurance conditions. Moving to a new country also requires serious adjustment for an older person. We recommend making the decision together with your parent, your partner and your siblings, checking the official conditions in the country where you live.
My sibling and I constantly argue about care. What can I do?
Try to talk about needs and roles instead of blaming. Acknowledging the tiredness of the sibling nearby, identifying concrete tasks you can take on from a distance and holding regular family conversations can reduce tension. If necessary, it is also possible to get support from a specialist for these conversations.
I feel as if I'm constantly waiting for bad news. Is this normal?
Being anxious for a relative far away is an understandable response. But if this feeling takes over your daily life, it is important to learn to work with the anxiety. Making an emergency plan, setting up a calling routine and noticing catastrophic thoughts can be the first steps.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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