How do immigrant women carry home, children, work and family while abroad? Practical advice for coping with invisible labour, loneliness and loss of identity.
Picture a woman who gets the children ready for school in the morning, tries to talk to their teacher in a foreign language, and thinks about the shopping, the meals, the doctor's appointments, her parents' health back in Turkey and perhaps her own job, all at the same time. When evening comes and everyone talks about how tired they are, her tiredness often goes unseen. Immigrant women can live a life in which they carry much of the emotional and practical load of the family abroad, while that effort frequently goes unnoticed. On top of that, they have to do it far from the extended family, neighbours and friends who would have supported them in Turkey. In this article we look at the invisible labour, loneliness and shifts in identity that immigrant women experience, and we share concrete steps for looking after yourself.
What Is Invisible Labour for Immigrant Women?
Invisible labour refers to the work done at home and within the family that is usually unpaid and unnoticed. It is not limited to physical tasks such as cooking, cleaning and childcare. It also covers mental and emotional loads such as these:
- Mental load: Keeping track of what is missing at home, when each appointment is, and which day the children need their sports kit.
- Emotional labour: Looking after everyone's mood in the family, calming conflicts, and supporting your partner and children through the difficulties of life abroad.
- The work of maintaining family ties: Staying in touch with family in Turkey, remembering the religious holidays, calling relatives, and passing Turkish language and culture on to the children.
- The work of adapting: Learning the school system, the healthcare system and the bureaucracy of the new country, and helping the family adjust to them.
For immigrant women this load is often heavier, because the mothers, mothers-in-law, sisters or neighbours who might have shared some of these tasks in Turkey are no longer nearby. Many jobs that would be shared in the spirit of "imece" (communal help) in Turkey can end up resting on one person's shoulders abroad. This labour is so woven into daily life that the woman herself often does not see it as "work". These tasks are thought of as "things that simply have to be done", and they leave a deep tiredness at the end of the day; yet when she is asked why she is so tired, she may say, "I haven't really done much today." This is the hardest part of invisible labour: both the person doing it and the people around her find it difficult to notice.
Signs That Immigrant Women Are Struggling
The weight of invisible labour can build up over time. The signs below may suggest that your mental health is under strain:
- Constant tiredness and not recovering even after resting
- A feeling of "I do everything for everyone but no one sees me"
- Having no time at all for yourself, forgetting your own needs
- Frequent crying spells or, on the contrary, being unable to feel anything
- Impatience and frequent irritability towards your partner or children
- Loneliness and feeling unable to form a real connection with anyone
- Sleep problems and marked changes in appetite
- Physical symptoms such as headaches, back pain or palpitations
- An empty feeling accompanied by questions like "Who am I? What did I used to enjoy doing?"
- Feeling worthless or inadequate
Many women brush these signs aside by saying "everyone gets tired". Yet there is an important difference between tiredness and burnout. These symptoms alone do not amount to a diagnosis. But if they last for weeks and narrow your life, it is important to take them seriously and look at yourself more closely.
Why Might Immigrant Women Feel Lonely? Causes and Cultural Context
Loss of the support network. In Turkey, many women have a wide network of support in daily life: a mother to leave the child with, a neighbour to confide in, friends to have tea with. Abroad, this network largely disappears, and rebuilding it takes time.
The experience of the "trailing spouse". Many women migrate because of their husband's job or studies. In that case, they may have left their own career, friends and social identity behind. Women who cannot continue in their profession in the new country because of work permits, language or the recognition of their qualifications can experience a deep loss of identity. We discuss this in more detail in our article on the psychology of being a trailing spouse.
The language barrier and staying at home. Women who spend their days at home with children may have fewer opportunities to learn the local language and build a social circle. Over time this can deepen isolation and damage self-confidence.
Cultural expectations. The expectation to be a "good mother", a "good wife" and a "good daughter-in-law" can continue abroad. Families in Turkey may also expect a woman living abroad both to adapt to her new life and to preserve traditional values. This double expectation can create intense pressure.
Caring for family in Turkey. The sense of responsibility for ageing parents' health, care and needs is often felt more strongly by daughters. Anxiety about caring from a distance can combine with guilt.
Motherhood and parenting alone. Giving birth and raising children abroad can be very hard when it happens without the Turkish tradition of the forty days after birth, family help and the support of experienced women. You may like to read our article on parenting alone abroad.
The Effect on the Family, Relationships and Children
The load a woman carries directly affects relationships within the family.
The relationship with your partner: While one partner reaches out more to work and the outside world, the other can become lonely at home. The woman may feel, "I gave up everything here, and you carry on with your life." The man, meanwhile, may be carrying pressure at work and the burden of the provider role, and may not notice what his wife is going through. This mutual not-seeing can turn into resentment and distance over time. For tensions like these, couple sessions can help partners see each other's load.
The relationship with children: A tired and lonely mother may sometimes be impatient with her children and then feel guilty. This cycle can feed the thought "I am not a good mother". Yet a mother who looks after herself is also the foundation for approaching her children more calmly and compassionately.
The role of culture carrier: The task of passing Turkish, traditions and values on to children often falls to mothers. When a child does not want to speak Turkish or keeps a distance from cultural values, the mother may experience this as a personal failure.
Imagine a mother of two living in France who used to work as a teacher in Turkey. Now she spends her days at home on a schedule built around the children's school hours. When her husband comes home in the evening and asks, "What did you do today?", she does not know what to answer, because she has worked non-stop all day but feels she has nothing to "show" for it. What this woman is going through is neither laziness nor ingratitude; it is the combined weight of invisible labour and loss of identity.
What You Can Do on Your Own: Making Room for Yourself
- Make your invisible labour visible. For a week, write down everything you do, physical, mental and emotional. This list can be a concrete way of showing both yourself and your partner how big the job really is.
- Talk about the division of labour. Share the list with your partner and talk about how the work is divided at a calm moment. Instead of blaming, use sentences that invite cooperation, such as "Could we share some of these tasks?"
- Set aside time that is yours. Make at least a few hours a week belong only to you: a course, a walk, reading a book, meeting a friend. This time is not a luxury; it is a need for your mental health.
- Rebuild your support network. This might be other parents at school, Turkish women's groups, friends from language class or neighbours. Small but regular contact can grow into strong bonds over time.
- Keep learning the language in small steps. Learning the local language can increase your independence and self-confidence. Even fifteen minutes of practice a day can make a difference over time.
- Reconnect with your former identity. What did you enjoy doing in Turkey? Voluntary work related to your profession, an online course or a hobby can help you get to know yourself again.
- Loosen your definition of a "good mother" and a "good wife". You do not have to be perfect. Being "good enough" is a more sustainable goal for both you and your family.
- Talk to the guilt. If you feel guilty when you take time for yourself or say "no", ask yourself: "Would I blame a friend for doing the same thing?"
- Look after your body. Regular sleep, regular meals and short walks can help you cope with tiredness.
Not forgetting yourself while trying to keep up with everyone is one of the most valuable gifts you can give your family.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
You might consider seeking support from a mental health professional in the following situations:
- If tiredness, sadness or lack of motivation has lasted for more than two weeks
- If you are experiencing intense anxiety, crying spells or difficulty bonding with your baby after birth
- If loneliness and isolation have clearly narrowed your life
- If you have repeated conflicts with your partner that you cannot resolve
- If loss of identity and a sense of worthlessness are affecting you deeply
- If there are serious changes in your sleep, appetite or energy
If you are experiencing physical, emotional or economic violence in your relationship, your safety comes before everything else. In an emergency, call the emergency number of the country you are in. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, do not wait either: you can call 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency service; in cases of serious risk, local emergency and psychiatric services are essential.
Family doctors, midwives, child health services and local mental health resources in the country where you live are important points of support. Support in your mother tongue is an option that can be used alongside them.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?
For immigrant women, online therapy in their mother tongue can be a practical and emotional option. Being able to have sessions from home while the children are at school or asleep can reduce problems with travel and childcare. Being able to talk without having to explain the weight of concepts such as being a "gelin" (a young bride in her husband's family), the relationship with a mother-in-law, "kırk gün" (the forty days after birth) or "elâlem ne der" (what will people say) can also make the therapeutic relationship easier. This is not true for everyone, but it is an option worth knowing about.
Work in online therapy in your mother tongue usually proceeds like this:
- Assessment: Your migration story, family structure, daily load and the issues that are troubling you are discussed.
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques: Thoughts such as "I have to do everything", "If I take time for myself I am selfish" or "A good mother never gets angry" are examined, and more balanced and compassionate thoughts are developed.
- Boundary setting and communication skills: Work focuses on expressing your needs clearly to your partner, family and surroundings.
- Values and identity work: The focus is on redefining yourself abroad, reconnecting with your former identity and setting new goals.
- Behavioural activation: Activities that bring enjoyment and meaning are added back into your life.
- Couple-focused work: When needed, sessions that your partner also joins can address the division of labour and communication.
For online sessions, a quiet and private space, headphones and a secure internet connection are enough. A suitable time is arranged with the time difference and the children's schedule in mind. Payment is made online; prices are in TL, and payment by international card is possible. To claim insurance reimbursement, you need to check the terms of your insurance in the country where you live. For more information, see our online therapy and Turks living abroad pages.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why might immigrant women feel lonelier?
Immigrant women may take on most of the responsibilities for home, children and family while being far from the extended family and neighbourly support they had in Turkey. The language barrier, loss of a career and long hours spent at home can also increase the sense of loneliness.
My children are small. How can I find time for therapy?
Online therapy can be done from home while the children are at school, asleep or being looked after by your partner. Planning the session time around the children's schedule and setting up a small routine for that time will make it easier.
Is taking time for myself selfish?
No. Taking time for yourself is necessary in the long run for the wellbeing of both you and your family. A woman who feels rested and understood can also approach her family more calmly and compassionately.
My partner does not understand what I am going through. Would couple therapy help?
Couple therapy can help partners see each other's load and feelings more clearly. Talking about invisible labour, rearranging the division of tasks and strengthening communication can all be part of this work. If your partner does not want to take part, you can also start with individual sessions.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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