Moving Abroad for Your Partner's Job: The Psychology of the Trailing Spouse

Moving abroad for your partner's job can bring loss of identity, career and belonging. Learn what trailing spouses feel and practical ways to cope.

When your partner received a job offer from abroad, perhaps you were the first to be delighted. You decided together, packed up your home, left your job and moved to a new country. Months have passed. Your partner goes to work every morning, meets new colleagues, and comes home in the evening tired but having achieved something. You, meanwhile, between language classes, housework, bureaucratic appointments and long, quiet days, often ask yourself: "Who am I here?" Moving abroad for your partner, in the literature and in everyday language, is often called the experience of the "trailing spouse" or "accompanying spouse". In this article we look at the psychological difficulties trailing spouses face, the effects of this experience on the relationship and the family, the concrete steps you can take to rebuild your own life, and the support options available.

What Does It Mean to Move Abroad as a Trailing Spouse?

A trailing spouse is a person who moves to a new country alongside a partner who has the job, education or career opportunity that is the main reason for the move. This person often leaves behind their own job, social circle and familiar life. Among families leaving Turkey, women more often take on this role, but in recent years the number of men who are trailing spouses has also been rising.

The situation of the trailing spouse differs from other people who migrate in several ways:

• They are not the "owner" of the move: Even if the decision was made jointly, the reason for the move is the partner's opportunity. This can make the trailing spouse feel that their own story comes second.
• They have no ready-made structure: The partner has a workplace, colleagues and a daily routine. The trailing spouse has to build a routine from scratch.
• Legal and financial dependence: In some countries, the trailing spouse's residence or work permit depends on the partner's employment. This can create a dependence that is both practical and psychological.
• Invisibility: People around them usually say, "How lovely that your husband found such a job"; what the trailing spouse has given up is often not talked about.

Common Feelings and Signs in Trailing Spouses

Loss of identity

A person who was a teacher, nurse, lawyer, engineer or entrepreneur in Turkey can suddenly become "someone whose partner works here" abroad. The loss of professional identity can profoundly affect how a person sees themselves. Thoughts such as "I'm nothing now" or "I'm only someone's spouse" are common. Being unable to return to your profession because your diploma is not recognised or because of limited language skills can intensify this feeling; we cover this separately in our article on loss of professional status.

Loneliness and isolation

While the partner is at work all day, the trailing spouse, especially in the first months, can go days without speaking to almost anyone. Not knowing the language, or not knowing it well enough, makes even small conversations with neighbours, in the shop or in the park difficult.

Resentment and suppressed anger

The feeling "I gave up everything for him" is often not said out loud. The trailing spouse may keep this resentment inside because they do not want to blame their partner. But suppressed anger can, over time, show itself in arguments over small matters, in silence or in emotional distance.

Guilt

Paradoxical as it seems, many trailing spouses also feel guilty for being unhappy: "My husband works so hard, I'm at home, I have no right to complain." This thought stops a person from voicing their needs.

Signs to watch for

• Long-lasting low mood, lack of motivation or a feeling of emptiness
• Difficulty getting out of bed in the mornings, a feeling that the days pass meaninglessly
• Constantly thinking about Turkey, fantasies of going back
• Growing intolerance towards your partner or, conversely, excessive dependence
• Not leaving the house, avoiding social settings
• Marked changes in sleep and appetite

Having some of these signs does not amount to a diagnosis; but if they continue for more than a few weeks, it may help to look at yourself more closely.

Cultural Dynamics Behind the Trailing Spouse Experience

Gender expectations: In Turkish society, a woman making sacrifices for her husband's career is often seen as natural and expected. For this reason, the losses experienced by women who are trailing spouses may not be sufficiently noticed by those around them. Comments such as "Your husband works, you can sit comfortably at home" belittle the difficulty a person is going through.

Men who are trailing spouses: Men who are trailing spouses can face a different kind of pressure. The mould of "the man who provides for the family" can create an intense sense of worthlessness and shame in men who are left without work or who follow their wife's career. These feelings are often not voiced and can come out as anger or withdrawal.

Family and surroundings: Family and friends in Turkey may approach the trailing spouse with questions such as "You live abroad, what more do you want?" This makes it harder for the person to share the difficulties they are going through.

The "temporary" thought: Some trailing spouses, because they think of the move as a temporary period, do not invest in putting down roots in the new country: "We'll go back in a few years anyway." This can lead to living in an uncertain wait and to putting off adjustment.

Say a woman who worked for years as a nurse in a hospital in Turkey moves because of her husband's job in Canada. To practise her profession she needs a long equivalence process and language exams. While her husband tells her every evening about developments at his new workplace, she thinks of her day as having passed "empty" and stays silent. After a while, even listening to her husband's successes begins to hurt her; but saying so feels like seeming "jealous" or "ungrateful". What this woman is experiencing is not jealousy but an unseen grief: the grief for her profession, her role and her former life.

The Effect of Moving for a Partner on the Relationship and on Children

Balance of power: When most of the financial independence, language skills and social circle belong to the partner, an imbalance of power can develop in the relationship without anyone noticing. The trailing spouse may become dependent on their partner for bureaucratic tasks, shopping or doctor's appointments. Over time this dependence wears both partners down.

Different speeds of adjustment: While the partner adapts quickly thanks to the workplace, the trailing spouse can fall behind. This gap can make the couple feel as if they are living in the same country but in different worlds.

Communication cycles: The trailing spouse wants to share in the evening the feelings they have built up during the day; the partner, tired from work stress, wants to rest. This can turn into a "demand and withdraw" cycle.

Children: In families with children, the trailing spouse takes on most of the children's school adjustment, language support and daily care. This load makes it hard to find time for their own adjustment. A parent's unhappiness can also be reflected in the children's emotional world.

Concrete Steps to Build Your Own Life as a Trailing Spouse

1. Name your losses. Write down on a sheet of paper what you left behind with the move: profession, friends, family, status, language, habits. Naming losses is the first step of the grieving process and gives a meaningful answer to the question "why do I feel so bad?"
2. Set a goal of your own. Set a goal that belongs only to you, such as learning the language, starting the equivalence process, gaining a new skill, volunteering or enrolling on a course. Break the goal down into small, measurable steps.
3. Create a daily routine. Waking at set times, going out, joining an activity and making social contact reduce the feeling that your days pass "empty".
4. Deliberately make time to build social connections. Language courses, parent groups, library events, sports clubs and communities for trailing spouses can be ways of forming new bonds.
5. Express your resentment without blame. A sentence such as "I feel very lost here and I need to talk to you about it", instead of "I lost everything because of you", makes it easier for your partner to listen.
6. Support your financial and bureaucratic independence. Having your own bank account, a driving licence, the ability to handle bureaucratic procedures on your own and, if possible, your own income strengthens your self-confidence and the balance within the relationship.
7. Revisit the "moving agreement" as a couple. If, when you moved, you made an agreement such as "we'll review in two years", talk about it; if you did not, make one now. It is important that the trailing spouse's needs are included in the plan.
8. Be compassionate towards yourself. Saying "I'm going through a big change and it takes time" instead of "I should have adapted faster" softens your inner voice.
9. Deliberately keep your ties in Turkey. Staying in regular contact with former colleagues, friends and your professional network supports your sense of continuity of identity. A project that can be done remotely, an online course or a professional community can build a bridge between the "old me" and the "new me" and may open new doors for you later, whichever country you are in.

Accompanying someone's dream does not mean you have to give up your own.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

You might consider talking to a mental health specialist in the following situations:

• If low mood, hopelessness or a feeling of emptiness lasts more than two weeks
• If you find it hard to do daily tasks or to leave the house
• If resentment and conflict in your relationship with your partner are steadily growing
• If you feel completely alone and worthless
• If there are marked changes in your sleep, appetite or energy levels

If you feel that your partner is controlling you, threatening you or harming you physically, through your residence permit, money or social relationships, this must be taken seriously. Contact the local support services in the country where you live; if there is immediate danger, call the country's emergency number: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. The same numbers apply for thoughts of harming yourself. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in cases of severe risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.

How Is the Trailing Spouse Experience Handled in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?

For trailing spouses, language is often one of the hardest parts of adjustment. For a person who cannot yet express their feelings comfortably in the language of the country they live in, therapy in their mother tongue can be the most natural way of telling their story. Being understood, without having to explain at length the emotional weight of concepts such as sacrifice, being a daughter-in-law, "standing behind your husband" or "what people will say", can make the therapeutic relationship easier.

In a process based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), work can be done in the following areas:

• Grief and loss: Space is made for grieving the profession, roles and relationships lost with the move.
• Thought patterns: Thoughts such as "I'm no use any more" and "I have no right to complain" are examined and more balanced interpretations are developed.
• Behavioural activation: Activities that bring meaning and enjoyment to daily life are planned step by step.
• Identity and values: Work is done on exploring who you are beyond your profession, what you value and how you can live these in the new country.
• Relationship and communication: Skills in expressing needs, setting boundaries and making joint decisions with your partner are supported. If needed, couples therapy can be added to the process.

For online sessions, it is important to choose a time when your partner is not at home or cannot hear you, to provide a quiet and private setting, to use headphones and to prefer a secure connection. Payment can be made online; TL pricing and payment by international card are possible. For information about working online, see online therapy, and for general information for those living abroad, the Turks living abroad page. For insurance coverage, we recommend checking the insurance terms in the country where you live.

Frequently Asked Questions

I moved for my partner's job but I'm unhappy. Is that ungrateful?

No. Unhappiness is not ingratitude; it is an understandable response to the major change you have been through. You can be glad about your partner's opportunity while also grieving your own losses. Accepting these feelings is the first step in coping with them.

How long does it take trailing spouses to adjust?

The time to adjust varies greatly from person to person. Language skills, social support, personal goals and the conditions of the country all affect it. Building a goal and a routine of your own generally makes adjustment easier.

How can I tell my partner what I'm going through?

It can help to choose a calm time, use feeling-focused rather than accusing sentences, and state your concrete needs. For example, a clear request such as "I'd like us to set aside two evenings a week just for us" is easier to meet than a general complaint.

As a trailing spouse, should I start therapy individually or as a couple?

This depends on the focus of the difficulty you are experiencing. For matters such as identity, grief and loneliness, individual therapy may be more suitable. If the problem is mainly about communication and the balance of power within the relationship, couples therapy can be considered. Some people prefer to start individually and move to couples work later.

• #trailing spouse
• #moving for partner
• #migration and marriage
• #loss of identity

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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