Retiring abroad can bring a hard choice between staying and returning to your homeland. The psychological weight of the decision and ways to decide well.
For years, people said, "We'll go back when we retire." A house was built back home, trees were planted in the garden, and every summer holiday brought the dream of settling there one day. Now retirement has arrived, and the question is no longer a dream but a concrete decision: stay or go back? Your children and grandchildren are in the country where you live, your doctors and your routines are here; but a part of your heart has always been back home. The period of retiring abroad brings, for many people, one of the most meaningful and most difficult decisions of their lives. In this article, we look at the psychological dimensions of this decision, the feelings commonly experienced, its effects on couples and family, and ways to make the decision in a healthier way.
What Changes When You Retire Abroad?
Retirement is a major transition wherever it takes place. The rhythm of the days, social relationships, identity and income all change. Retiring away from your homeland adds further layers to this transition.
The test of a postponed dream. For many people of the first generation, retirement was seen as the time when the "real life" they had put off for years would begin. When retirement comes, this dream meets reality: the homeland has changed, old friends have scattered, and the children and grandchildren have put down roots in another country.
Redefining identity. Identities such as "the master who worked thirty years in the factory", "the nurse at the hospital" and "the shopkeeper running his own business" are left behind with retirement. The person has to redefine themselves.
Going back and forth between two places. Many retirees choose to spend part of the year in Turkey and part in the country where they live. This arrangement can provide a balance; but over time it can also create the feeling of never being fully settled anywhere.
Practical worries. Matters such as pension entitlements, health insurance, residence status and property are important factors that complicate the decision. These vary according to the person's situation and the countries involved; for precise information, you need to consult the relevant institutions and specialists. This article focuses on the psychological side of the decision.
Common Feelings and Signs
The following feelings are common in people facing the decision of retirement abroad:
- Indecision and going back and forth: Saying "We're definitely going back" one day and "No, we have to stay here" the next.
- Guilt: Guilt towards the children and grandchildren if you return, or towards ageing siblings and family back home if you stay.
- Loss and grief: Knowing that something will be lost with either choice. Staying can feel like giving up the dream; returning can feel like giving up the grandchildren.
- Anxiety: "What if I can't adjust if I go back?", "What if I'm left alone in my old age if I stay?", "Where will I be treated if I fall ill?"
- Disappointment: No longer feeling about your homeland the way you used to when you visit.
- A sense of emptiness: The days losing their meaning with retirement, the thought "What am I good for now?"
Some of these feelings can also show up as sleep problems, loss of appetite, irritability, dwelling often on the past or physical complaints. These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; they can be natural reactions accompanying a major life decision. However, if they continue for a long time, they need attention.
Stay or Return? The Psychological Factors Behind the Decision
It is not only practical circumstances that make this decision hard. There are strong psychological and cultural factors behind it.
The gap between the dream and reality. The homeland constructed in the mind over the years is often made up of childhood and youth memories. The homeland of today has a different economic and social reality. The decision to return should be made according to the homeland of today, not the one in the dream.
The feeling of "we gave our word". A promise of return made to yourself, your spouse or your parents can push a person towards a decision regardless of what they really want.
The expectations of those around you. Comments such as "What will someone who doesn't go back when they retire do there?" or, conversely, "Are you going back there at your age?" can draw the decision away from the person's own values.
Grandchildren and family bonds. For many retirees, spending time with grandchildren is one of the greatest sources of meaning in old age. Moving away from this bond can be the hardest part of the decision to return.
Health and security. As you age, access to health services, the difficulty of communicating with a doctor without knowing the language, or conversely the worry of leaving a familiar health system, can be decisive.
The question of whom I can trust for health and care. The question of who will be at your side when care needs arise in old age is one of the quietest but heaviest sides of the decision. In Turkish culture, looking after elderly parents is often seen as the duty of their children. Someone going through retirement abroad may wonder, "If I stay here, will my children be able to look after me, or will I end up in a care home?" or "If I go back, who will be with me when I fall ill?" Not talking openly about these questions makes the anxiety grow.
Fear of loss. Because both options require giving something up, a person may put off deciding. This delay sometimes goes on for years, and the uncertainty itself becomes a burden.
The decision to return to your homeland is often not a choice of place but a choice of which loss you can bear more easily. This is why the right decision is not the one without loss, but the one closest to your values.
For the more general dimensions of this subject, you can look at the article on the decision to return to your homeland.
The Effect on Spouses, Children and Grandchildren
Different wishes between spouses. Often one spouse wants to return while the other prefers to stay. This difference can bring to the surface expectations and resentments that have gone unspoken for years. Some couples begin spending part of the year in different countries, which can create a new distance in the marriage.
Spending time together in retirement. Couples who worked shifts for years or went to work at different hours may find it hard to get used to being together all day in retirement. This period of adjustment can increase the tension in the decision-making process.
Adult children. Children can have mixed feelings about the possibility of their parents returning: on one hand they want their happiness, and on the other they worry about their moving away and about the responsibility of caring for ageing parents from a distance.
Grandchildren. Grandparents are often an important source of Turkish, family stories and cultural roots for grandchildren. How to keep this bond going from a distance is something the family needs to discuss.
Family and community in Turkey. Siblings, relatives and neighbours who stayed back home are also part of this decision. Returning can offer a chance to get close again; but differences that have formed over the years, and old tensions over matters such as inheritance or property, can also come to the surface. Being seen as an "Almancı" or "gurbetçi" (labels for Turks who live abroad, often used with a hint of distance or envy) can continue for a while even after the return. Thinking about these expectations beforehand reduces disappointment.
Suppose a couple in their sixties retired after living in Belgium for forty years. The husband dreams of returning to the village house back home. The wife picks up her grandchildren from school every day and cannot bear the thought of leaving them. Whenever the subject comes up, an argument breaks out, and each accuses the other of "not understanding me." One summer, when they stay in Turkey for a few months, the husband sees that his homeland is not as he imagined; the wife, meanwhile, is overwhelmed by missing her grandchildren. This fictional example shows how differently the decision can feel to the two people in a couple. For more on the experiences of older migrants, you can read the article on older migrants.
What You Can Do on Your Own About the Decision to Retire Abroad
1. Clarify your values. What matters most to you at this stage of your life? Closeness to family, the air of your homeland, health security, or your social circle? Putting these in order of importance forms the foundation of the decision.
2. Separate the dream from reality. Write down your expectations of your homeland. Then note what you actually felt during your most recent visits. Noticing the difference between these two lists helps you make a more realistic decision.
3. Try a trial period. If possible, spend a few months in Turkey before making the final decision. During this time, experience what daily life is like, access to health services and the social circle. A holiday atmosphere and everyday life are different things.
4. Talk openly with your spouse. Listen to each other's wishes without judging. Ask, "What do you want and why?" If a shared solution cannot be found, consider together options such as a balanced arrangement between two places or a gradual transition.
5. Involve your children in the process. Make the decision not alone but by talking with the family. But also remember that the final decision is yours.
6. Gather practical information. Get reliable information from the relevant institutions on pension entitlements, health insurance, residence and property. Uncertainty often magnifies anxiety; information gives a sense of control.
7. Find a new meaning in retirement. Wherever you live, plan activities that will give meaning to your days: volunteering, association activities, hobbies, time spent with grandchildren, regular walks.
8. Remember that the decision can be reversed. No decision is absolute. It may be possible to come back after returning, or to go back after staying. Knowing this can ease the pressure of deciding.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It is important to consider professional support in the following situations:
- If indecision has lasted for months and markedly affects your daily life
- If low mood, lack of motivation or hopelessness have continued for more than two weeks
- If you are constantly arguing with your spouse about this issue and communication is breaking down
- If you are experiencing an intense feeling of emptiness and worthlessness with retirement
- If, after returning, you have met an unexpected sense of estrangement, regret or loneliness
- If there are marked changes in your sleep, appetite and energy levels
- If thoughts such as "There's no meaning left in living" or thoughts of harming yourself come to mind
In a crisis, or if there is a risk of self-harm, call the emergency number of the country you are in immediately: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. If you are in Turkey, you can call 112 (emergency services). Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary. The family doctor where you live is also an important point of contact.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Native Language Work?
Concepts such as gurbet (life away from home), sıla (home and homeland), "we gave our word", "it would be shameful" and "a child's right" sit at the very centre of this decision. Being able to speak in your own language without having to explain these concepts can let you express the complicated feelings in the decision-making process more comfortably. You can find more detail on this on the Turks abroad page.
In a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)-based approach, the following areas can be addressed:
- Values-based decision making: The person clarifying their own values and evaluating the options according to them.
- Thinking patterns: Realistically re-evaluating thoughts such as "If I don't go back, I'll have broken my word" and "If I stay, I'll die alone."
- Tolerating uncertainty: Accepting that the decision carries some uncertainty with either option.
- Adjustment to retirement: Building new daily routines and sources of meaning.
- Couple communication: Enabling spouses to talk about their different wishes without blame. If needed, couple sessions that both partners attend can also be an option.
Online sessions can allow you to keep working with the same therapist wherever you are, during the decision-making process or after the return. A quiet room, headphones and a phone, tablet or computer that can make video calls are enough. If there are difficulties with technology, in the first sessions a family member can help set up the connection and then leave the room. Payment can be made online; for insurance reimbursement, you need to check the insurance conditions in the country you live in. You can find information on how the sessions work on the online therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does returning to your homeland in retirement bring happiness?
This varies from person to person. Some people feel more at peace after returning to their homeland; others meet a changed homeland and the longing created by being far from their children and grandchildren. It is important to make the decision not according to the homeland of the dream, but according to today's reality and your own values.
My spouse and I want different things. What can we do?
First try to understand the needs behind each other's wishes: for one, the homeland may mean belonging; for the other, the grandchildren may mean meaning. Middle-way solutions such as a gradual transition, a balanced arrangement between two places or a trial period can be considered. When communication gets stuck, seeking support as a couple can be helpful.
How can loneliness be reduced when retiring abroad?
Building daily routines, joining association and community events, doing volunteer work and spending regular time with grandchildren can help reduce loneliness. Video calls with relatives and old friends in Turkey also keep the bonds alive.
What if I regret it after returning?
Regret is a feeling often seen after big decisions and one that usually eases with time. Some people get used to the new arrangement after the adjustment period; others decide to make a fresh change. What matters is not seeing your decision as something absolute and irreversible, and turning to sources of support where you can share your feelings during this process.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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