Elderly Immigrants: Growing Old Abroad and the Loneliness of the First Generation

Why do elderly immigrants experience loneliness, homesickness and identity questions? Tips for families and first-generation elders to protect mental health.

Many people who once set out saying "we'll work a few years and come back" are now grandfathers and grandmothers raising their grandchildren abroad. Elderly immigrants, the first generation who spent most of their lives working in a foreign country, often live their old age between two countries, two languages and two senses of belonging. Retirement, losing a spouse, health problems and children scattering into their own lives can deepen the feeling of loneliness in this period. In this article we look at the emotional burdens of growing old abroad, its signs, and the concrete steps that both older people themselves and their families can take.

What Are Elderly Immigrants Going Through? The Meaning of Growing Old Abroad

Most first-generation immigrants worked for many years in heavy industry, mines, factories, construction, and the cleaning and service sectors. Those years were usually tied to a goal: building a house back home, putting the children through school, securing the family's future. While working life continued, the days had a rhythm and a meaning. With retirement, that rhythm can suddenly vanish.

For a significant number of elderly immigrants, this stage of life has the following features:

• Going back and forth between two places: Spending part of the year in Turkey and part with the children. This can be both a richness and a source of the feeling of "not fully belonging anywhere".
• A changing dream of return: The return awaited for years is postponed or left unfinished because of grandchildren, healthcare and habits.
• Language limits: A language that was enough for working life may fall short in doctors' appointments, official correspondence or deep conversations with grandchildren.
• Distance between generations: Grandchildren may speak limited Turkish; even where there is love between grandparent and grandchild, finding a shared language can become difficult.
• Losses: A spouse, siblings, friends and companions from the same factory may be lost one by one.

None of these on its own means a mental health problem. But taken together, they can create a loneliness in elderly immigrants that goes unnoticed while quietly growing heavier.

Signs of Loneliness and Depression in Elderly Immigrants

Older people often do not describe their feelings directly as "I am sad" or "I am lonely". Especially in the first generation, voicing distress can be seen as "complaining" or "being a burden on the children". For this reason the signs may be more indirect:

• An increase in physical complaints: headaches, back pain, fatigue, saying "I feel tight inside"
• Disturbed sleep, waking early at night
• Declining interest in things once enjoyed, such as going to the mosque or the association, or meeting friends at the coffeehouse
• Often talking about the past, "the old days" and those who have been lost
• Feeling useless: sentences such as "I'm no use to anyone any more"
• Waiting to be called but not calling themselves
• Irritability, touchiness, being hurt by small things
• Neglecting medication or doctor's appointments
• Eating less, neglecting self-care

These symptoms alone do not amount to a diagnosis. In old age, some physical illnesses, medication side effects or memory-related conditions can create similar pictures. So the first step is often an assessment by a family doctor. Even so, it is important not to brush these signs aside by saying "everyone is like this in old age". Depression in later life is also a treatable condition. For broader information on the subject, you can look at the article on symptoms of depression.

Why Is It So Hard? The Cultural Context of the First Generation

To understand the difficulties elderly immigrants face, we need to look at their life stories.

A sense of a postponed life. Many in the first generation spent their youth thinking "real life will begin later". The house was built back home, and savings were sent there. In old age, a person may face the question "Where did my life go?" This question is sometimes felt as disappointment, sometimes as regret, and sometimes as deep exhaustion.

An identity of sacrifice. "I worked for my children" is an identity for the first generation. When the children grow up and build their own lives, there is less to answer to this identity. If the person cannot find a new way to feel valuable, the sense of emptiness can grow.

Shame and pride. Asking for help can trigger the feeling of "I have become dependent on my children". For some, psychological support may be met with the reaction "but I don't have a problem". These reactions push the person towards loneliness.

A tired body. Having worked for many years in heavy jobs can lay the ground for pain and chronic illness in old age. Pain and mood affect one another: the more pain there is, the less the person moves, the fewer people they see, and the lower their mood falls.

Feeling foreign in both places. Being seen as an "Almancı" (a derogatory term for Turks living in Germany) or a "gurbetçi" (an emigrant) when visiting Turkey, while still being counted as a "foreigner" in the country they live in. This two-way foreignness can weigh more heavily in old age.

The loneliness of an elderly immigrant often comes not from having nobody around, but from having nobody who truly understands their life story.

The Impact on the Family and on Generations

The loneliness of elderly immigrants affects not only them but the whole family.

Adult children are often caught between two sides: on one side their own work and family responsibilities, on the other their parents' growing needs. Guilt is common: "I'm not looking after them enough", "I'm leaving them alone at this age". This guilt can sometimes turn into anger and sometimes into avoidance.

For grandchildren, grandparents are an important source of Turkish, family stories and cultural roots. But when the gap in language and generation grows, the bond between grandchild and grandparent can stay on the surface. This reinforces the older person's feeling of "They don't understand me".

Between spouses, the retirement period calls for a new adjustment. Couples who worked shifts for years and saw little of each other may struggle to get used to being together all day. Losing one spouse means both grief and practical loneliness for the one left behind.

Imagine a mother in her seventies who has begun living alone after losing her husband. Her children phone her several times a week and visit at weekends. From the outside, everything seems fine. But she spends most of her days in front of the television, cannot talk to the neighbours because of the language barrier, and feels a tightness inside in the evenings. She does not tell her children, because she "does not want to upset them". This picture is a typical example of the silent loneliness often seen in elderly immigrants.

What Elderly Immigrants Can Do for Themselves

If you are a member of the first generation, or you are reading for a loved one, the steps below can make small but meaningful differences.

1. Restructure your day. Filling the gap left by working life with small but regular activities supports your mood. Set fixed points: a morning walk, shopping at set times, going to the association or place of worship on certain days of the week.

2. Keep your body moving. To the extent your doctor approves, a daily walk, gentle exercise and gardening matter for both physical and mental health. Movement is one of the most accessible tools for supporting mood in later life.

3. Keep relationships alive. Instead of waiting to be phoned, call others yourself. Learning to video-call relatives in Turkey and former workmates can open a new door. Asking your grandchildren to teach you how is also a way of spending time together.

4. Tell your story. Your migration story is a family inheritance. Tell your grandchildren about your first days here, your first job, the hardships and the joys; if possible, record or write it down together. This creates meaning for you and lets your grandchildren get to know their roots.

5. Look into community resources. In many cities there may be Turkish-language or multilingual gatherings for older people, association events, and advice services for older people run by local councils. You can ask your city's social services or your family doctor about this.

6. Redefine asking for help. Asking for help is not weakness; it is a way of keeping a relationship going. Saying "I'm feeling low this week, could you drop by?" is not a burden on your children; it gives them the chance to be close to you.

Suggestions for adult children:

• Focus on the quality of visits more than their frequency: an hour spent drinking tea together, without looking at your phone, truly listening, is very valuable.
• Instead of "Are you well?", ask more open questions: "What have you missed most this week?", "How are your nights going?"
• Provide language support at doctor's appointments, or find out whether an interpreting service is available.
• Make decisions with them, not on their behalf. Having a say over their own life is the foundation of an older person's sense of worth.
• Look after your own limits too. Your burning out helps no one. The article on parents ageing from a distance may also give you ideas here.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Not every sadness in old age is a mental disorder. Sadness is a natural response to losses, change and the limits that ageing brings. However, it is important to consider professional support in the following situations:

• Low mood, hopelessness or lack of motivation has continued for more than two weeks
• The person has markedly reduced eating, drinking or looking after themselves
• They have withdrawn completely from social relationships
• Grief after the loss of a spouse or close person is so heavy that it has brought daily life to a halt for months
• Forgetfulness, confusion or changes in behaviour are noticed (in which case a medical assessment is needed first)
• Sentences such as "There's no point in living any more" or "I wish I would die and be done with it" are being said

The last item is particularly important. Such thoughts must be taken seriously. In a crisis, or if there is a risk of self-harm, call the emergency number of the country you are in straight away: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.

Your family doctor, older people's advice centres and mental health services in the country where you live are important resources in this process. Support in your mother tongue is not a replacement for these services but an option that can be used alongside them.

How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?

For the first generation, the most natural way of expressing feelings is often Turkish. Expressions such as "içim daralıyor" (my chest feels tight), "gönlüm kırık" (my heart is broken) or "they're not ungrateful children, but..." can lose part of their meaning when translated into another language. Working in the mother tongue can help a person be understood without having to explain both their words and their cultural context. You can find more on this on the Turks abroad page.

In work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the following areas can be addressed with elderly immigrants:

• Values and meaning: Finding new roles after retirement in which the person feels valued (relationships with grandchildren, a role in the community, hobbies)
• Thought patterns: Realistically reassessing thoughts such as "I'm no use any more" or "My life was wasted"
• Behavioural activation: Adding small activities that bring enjoyment and meaning to the day in a planned way
• Grief work: Processing feelings about the loss of a spouse, peers and ties with the homeland
• Family communication: Finding ways to express needs to the children clearly and without blame

Technically, a tablet, smartphone or computer is enough for online sessions. If using one is difficult, it is a good approach for a family member to help set up the connection in the first sessions and then leave the room, which protects privacy. Choosing a quiet room, headphones and a fixed time improves the effectiveness of sessions. The time difference is usually not a problem in Europe. Payment can be made online; for matters such as insurance reimbursement, you should check the insurance terms in the country where you live. You can find information about how online sessions work on the online therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does therapy really work for elderly immigrants?

Old age is not a period in which change is impossible. Older people too can review their habits of thought and behaviour and learn new ways of coping. The benefit of therapy varies from person to person; however, a regular supportive relationship is known to ease loneliness for many older people.

My mother refuses to see a psychologist. What can I do?

Pushing usually increases resistance. Using more familiar expressions than "psychologist", such as "talking to someone" or "getting things off your chest", can help. Talking first to the family doctor, or suggesting just one trial session, can also be an easier place to start.

I'm not good with technology. Can I still have an online session?

Yes, in most cases you can. A phone or tablet on which you can make video calls is usually enough. For the first few times, a relative helping with the setup makes the process easier.

If I return to Turkey for good, will my loneliness go away?

Returning feels good for some people, while for others it creates a new sense of being a stranger. Being far from children and grandchildren and meeting a homeland that has changed can bring unexpected feelings. It is important to make this decision without haste, assessing expectations realistically.

• #elderly immigrants
• #first generation
• #living abroad
• #loneliness
• #retirement

Yazar

Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

Eğitimler