The decision to return to Turkey can turn into months of indecision and anxiety. Learn practical, values-based steps for making the decision clearer.
For years the same question has sat in a corner of your mind: "Should I go back?" Sometimes on a holiday morning, sometimes when you notice weariness in your mother's voice, sometimes when you feel like a stranger once again at work, the question comes alive again. One day you decide for certain to go back; the next you read the economic news from Turkey and change your mind. Your partner wants one thing, your children another, your family yet another. The decision about returning to Turkey is one of the hardest decisions of life for many Turks living abroad, because it is not merely a change of address; it is a deep choice about identity, belonging and the future. In this article we look at the psychology of being caught between going back and staying, the anxiety cycles that feed this indecision, the place of family and children in the decision, and the concrete methods you can use to make the decision more clearly and healthily.
Why Is the Decision to Return to Turkey So Hard?
The decision to migrate is usually made with a specific purpose: work, education, marriage, the search for a better future. The decision to return to Turkey is generally more complicated and layered. Because over the years spent abroad, both you and Turkey have changed.
The main factors that make this decision difficult are:
- Being caught between two lives: Abroad you have a job, a home, a circle of friends and habits. In Turkey there are family, roots and the comfort of your mother tongue. There is something to lose on both sides.
- Uncertainty: It is hard to make a clear forecast about economic conditions, job opportunities and the cost of living in Turkey. Your future abroad may also be uncertain.
- More than one person's life: Partner, children, ageing parents... The decision affects not only you but everyone you love.
- The feeling that there is no way back: Many people think, "If I go back once, I can never come here again," or "If I stay once, I can never go back." This perception of a "final decision" increases anxiety.
- Questions of identity: Questions such as "Who am I really living for?" and "Where do I belong?" go far beyond the practical side of the decision.
Signs of Anxiety About Returning to Turkey
Thinking about going back or staying is natural and healthy. But when these thoughts turn into an anxiety cycle, they can affect daily life and mental health.
The indecision cycle
- Repeating the same pros and cons in your mind hundreds of times
- Deciding for certain one day and giving up the next
- The decision changing completely after every new piece of news or conversation
- Constantly postponing the decision to "next summer", "when the children finish school" or "when things settle down"
Emotional signs
- A constant restlessness and a feeling of being "in between"
- Not being able to enjoy where you are because your mind is always "over there"
- Fear of making the wrong decision and anxiety about regret
- Feeling caught between your family's expectations and your own wishes
Effects on daily life
- Avoiding long-term plans in the country where you live (buying a home, investing in a career, putting effort into friendships)
- Frequent arguments with your partner about this
- Sleep problems, tension and difficulty concentrating
These signs on their own do not mean a mental disorder. But if indecision has been putting your life on hold for a long time, it can be useful to notice this cycle and work on it.
The Psychological and Cultural Dynamics Behind Anxiety About Returning
Intolerance of uncertainty: For people prone to anxiety, uncertainty is extremely uncomfortable. The person looks for "certain" information and guarantees before deciding. Yet in such a big decision, certainty is often not possible. This search can turn into an endless cycle of gathering information and postponing. If you would like to know more about this, take a look at our article on anxiety about the future.
The idealised homeland: In the minds of people living far away, the homeland can over time become an idealised place: the streets of childhood, holiday tables, lively family conversations. But the real Turkey has changed since the day you left. Facing this difference after returning can lead to an experience known as "reverse culture shock". We cover this subject separately in our article on reverse culture shock.
Guilt and a sense of debt: Ageing parents, the burden of care taken on by siblings who remain in Turkey, or the feeling of having "left the family and gone" can combine the decision to return with a strong sense of guilt. A person may decide to go back not out of their own wish but because of guilt. This can increase the risk of resentment and regret after returning.
The perception of "failure": Some people see returning to Turkey as an admission that "I couldn't make it." Thoughts such as "What will people say?" and "They'll say he went and came back" can lead even a person who wants to go back to postpone the decision.
"Return" for the second and third generations: For Turks who were born and grew up abroad, moving to Turkey is in fact not a "return" but a new migration. There can be big differences between the Turkey they know from holidays and the Turkey of everyday life.
Say a couple with two children has lived in the UK for twelve years. One partner wants to go back because of their mother's health problems; the other prefers to stay, thinking of progress at work and the children's schooling. Every evening when the subject comes up it quickly turns into an argument. Both actually want the same thing: the wellbeing of their families. But because they look at the idea of "wellbeing" from different angles, they cannot find a common language. What this couple needs first is not the decision but to understand each other's values.
Family, Partner and Children in the Decision to Return to Turkey
Different wishes between partners: It is quite common for partners to think differently about returning. One partner may long for home more, while the other may be more attached to their life abroad. In mixed marriages, how the partner will adapt to living in Turkey is a separate question mark. In decisions like these, it is important to create an environment in which each partner can speak openly about their wishes and fears.
Children: For children born or raised abroad, moving to Turkey means a new school system, a new language environment and a new social circle. For children in adolescence in particular, this change can be demanding. Involving children in the decision-making process in an age-appropriate way and listening to their feelings can make adjustment easier. Our article on the adjustment of children returning to Turkey offers detailed information on this.
Family in Turkey: Parents' call to "come back" comes from love and longing; but the decision is ultimately yours. Sharing the reasons for your decision with your family can help you manage their expectations.
Concrete Steps for Clarifying the Decision to Return to Turkey
The methods below can help you evaluate the decision not as "right" or "wrong" but in terms of how well it fits your values and circumstances.
- Write down your values. Identify the five most important values in your life: family, security, career, freedom, belonging, the children's future and so on. Then assess how far each option, staying and going back, serves these values.
- Separate "anxiety questions" from "values questions". "What if I can't find a job?" is an anxiety question. "What kind of life do I want to live?" is a values question. Anxiety questions contain important information, but the decision should not rest on them alone.
- Gather concrete information, but with a limit. Collect information on job opportunities, school options, cost of living and the health system. But put a time limit on the information-gathering process; otherwise the search for information can itself become a form of postponement.
- Break the decision into small trials. If possible, test how returning feels in real life with a long stay in Turkey, a period of remote working or a "trial summer". Remember that a holiday and everyday life are different.
- Make a "worst-case scenario" plan. Write concrete answers to questions such as "What will I do if I go back and things don't go well?" and "What will I do if I stay and my mother falls ill?" Seeing that even the worst-case scenario is manageable can reduce anxiety.
- Plan "decision meetings" with your partner. Instead of raising the subject casually every evening, set aside a certain amount of time once a week and talk calmly. Each of you should first try to summarise the other's view.
- Set a time frame for the decision. A frame such as "We will gather information over the next six months and decide at the end of the summer" helps break the endless cycle of indecision.
- Remember that the decision is not irreversible. Difficult as it is, most decisions can be revisited if necessary. Reducing the pressure of "this is my final decision" lets you think more freely.
- Keep living where you are. Do not put your life on hold during the decision process. Continuing to invest in friendships, your work and yourself where you are will make you stronger whichever decision you take.
There is no "perfect" option between going back and staying. What matters is that the decision is guided by your values, not your fears.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It can be useful to speak to a mental health professional in the following situations:
- If indecision has been putting your life on hold for months or years
- If thinking about the subject creates intense anxiety, sleep problems or tension
- If you have constant, unresolved arguments with your partner about it
- If guilt or family pressure is determining your decisions
- If you experience intense regret, alienation or low mood after returning
- If you have felt hopeless and trapped for a long time
If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, please call the emergency number of the country you are in straight away: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. If you are in Turkey, the emergency number is 112. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of severe risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.
How Is the Decision to Return to Turkey Addressed in Mother-Tongue Online Therapy?
The decision to return to Turkey is bound up with culturally and emotionally charged concepts such as gurbet (life far from home), sıla (home and homeland), family, belonging and identity. Being able to talk about these subjects in your mother tongue, without having to explain the cultural context, can make it easier for some people to see the decision more clearly. Another advantage of online therapy is continuity: whichever decision you take, whether you stay abroad or return to Turkey, it may be possible to carry on working with the same therapist. This gives support during the adjustment process after returning or staying. Mother-tongue therapy is an option that can be used alongside, not instead of, the mental health services in the country where you live.
In a process based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), we can work on the following areas:
- Noticing the anxiety cycle: We examine together how constant thinking, gathering information and postponing feed anxiety.
- Tolerating uncertainty: Step-by-step exercises are done to reduce the search for certainty and to be able to live with uncertainty.
- Values-based decision-making: The values of the person and the family are clarified; the options are evaluated in the light of these values.
- Guilt and family expectations: We look at how guilt affects the decision and develop healthy ways of communicating with the family.
- Deciding as a couple: If needed, couple sessions support partners in understanding each other's values and fears.
- Preparing for adjustment: Once the decision has been made, whether it is to return or to stay, we prepare emotionally for the new period.
For online sessions, it is important to choose a time that suits the time difference, provide a quiet and private setting, use headphones and prefer a secure connection. Payment can be made online; pricing in Turkish lira and payment by international card are possible. For general information aimed at those living abroad, you can look at the page on Turks living abroad. For insurance coverage, we recommend checking the terms of your insurance in the country where you live.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I prioritise when deciding whether to return to Turkey?
There is no single priority that applies to everyone. However, it may be healthier to assess the decision not on anxiety or guilt alone but on your own values, your family's needs and concrete circumstances. Writing down your values and comparing the options with them is a good start.
What if I regret it after going back?
The fear of regret is one of the hardest parts of this decision. Difficulties in the first months after returning are often part of the adjustment process and do not mean the decision was wrong. Also, most decisions can be revisited if necessary; knowing this can lighten the weight of the decision.
My partner doesn't want to go back, but I do. How can we reach a compromise?
First, it is important to really try to understand each other's reasons and fears. Writing down and comparing both of your values can help you see common ground. If conversations keep turning into arguments, a process of couple therapy can make communication easier.
Can I start online therapy abroad and continue after I return to Turkey?
Yes, this is one of the advantages of online therapy. Even if the country you are in changes, you can carry on working with the same therapist. This continuity can offer support, especially in the adjustment period after returning.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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