Children returning to Turkey may face a new school, language and friendship challenges. Learn the signs of adjustment difficulty and how parents can help.
The family has talked and debated for years, and has finally made its decision: we are returning to Turkey. For adults, this decision often means "coming home". For a child who was born abroad, or who spent an important part of their life there, it is not a return but a move to a new country. They are moving to a place they have seen on holidays and love, but where they have never lived day-to-day life. Children returning to Turkey meet a new school system, a different teacher-pupil relationship, academic Turkish and a new circle of friends all at the same time. In this article we look at what children returning to Turkey may go through in the school and adjustment process, which signs to watch for, and how parents can make this transition easier.
What Do Children Returning to Turkey Go Through?
The decision to return is usually made taking into account the parents' needs, the situation of older relatives, job opportunities or conditions in the country they have been living in. Even if the child's opinion is asked, the final decision generally belongs to the adults. For the child, therefore, the return is a change they did not choose.
The place adults see as "the homeland" carries a different meaning in the child's mind. For them, Turkey may be summer holidays, their paternal grandmother's house, the seaside and games with cousins. The realities of everyday life are quite different: getting up early, crowded classrooms, homework, exams, a different traffic and city order. The difference between holiday Turkey and lived Turkey can cause disappointment in the child.
In addition, the child loses the friends, the school, the teachers and the familiar streets in the country left behind, and often the language in which they speak most comfortably. So a child returning, just like a child who migrates abroad, goes through migration grief. The reason this grief is sometimes not noticed is the family's view of "We've come back to our own country, what's the problem?"
Difficulties Met at School
For children returning to Turkey, school lies at the centre of the adjustment process. The difficulties often met are as follows:
Academic Turkish
Even a child who speaks Turkish at home may struggle with the academic Turkish used at school. Everyday spoken language and the language of textbooks are different. The concepts in lessons such as Turkish, social studies and science, as well as reading and writing skills and spelling rules, require extra effort. Because the child seems fluent in everyday speech, this difficulty can be overlooked by teachers and parents.
A different education system and exams
In many Western countries, education may be weighted towards projects, group work and discussion. In Turkey, the lesson load, content that requires memorisation, written exams and, in particular, central exams such as the LGS in middle school and the YKS in high school (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams) play a more decisive role. This transition can be an intense source of stress, particularly for children of middle-school and high-school age.
Teacher-pupil relationship and classroom culture
Classroom rules, the way of speaking to the teacher, habits of asking questions and the idea of discipline can differ from country to country. A child who is used to addressing their teacher by first name abroad, or to disagreeing freely in class, may be seen as "disrespectful" or "not fitting in" until they learn what the new environment expects. This is often not a behaviour problem but the result of coming from a different school culture.
Labelling
Some children may meet labels at the new school such as "Almancı" (the Turkish term for a German-raised Turk), "foreigner" or "bad Turkish". Speaking with an accent or not knowing certain words can become a target for mockery. These experiences can strengthen the child's feeling of "I don't fully belong anywhere".
Choosing a school and the first days
Choosing a school is also an important decision that affects adjustment. Some families prefer schools with a strong foreign-language focus, some the state school in the neighbourhood, and some schools experienced with pupils arriving from abroad. Each option has its own advantages and difficulties; what matters is making a decision that suits the child's language level, personality and the family's circumstances. For the documents needed in the enrolment process and for equivalence procedures, up-to-date information needs to be obtained from the relevant official bodies.
The first days can shape the child's overall feeling about school. If possible, visiting the school together before lessons start, seeing the classroom and playground and meeting the teacher can reduce anxiety. In the first weeks, asking questions like "What made you laugh the most today, and what was hard?" instead of "What did you learn today?" when they come home makes it easier for the child to share their feelings.
Signs of Adjustment Problems in Returning Children
The adjustment process moves at a different speed in every child. The following signs may be clues that your child is struggling:
- School refusal: Crying in the mornings, not wanting to go to school, stomach aches or headaches before school.
- Withdrawal: Staying alone at break time, not talking about friends, retreating to their room.
- Anger and rebellion: Sentences like "Why did you bring me here?" or "I want to go back to my old home", slamming doors, increased fighting with siblings.
- Academic decline: Marks dropping markedly in subjects where they were previously successful, avoiding homework.
- Regression: In younger children, bedwetting, baby talk, sleep problems.
- Excessive focus on the old country: Spending hours online with old friends, forming no connection with the new environment.
- Language preference: Refusing to speak Turkish at home or, conversely, giving up the language of the old country completely.
Some of these signs are reactions that are expected in the first months. On their own they do not mean a problem or a diagnosis. The severity and duration of the signs and their effect on the child's overall functioning are important in an assessment.
The experience of returning by age
The child's age affects the experience of returning considerably:
- Preschool years: Young children generally adopt the language and the new environment faster. However, separation anxiety and changes in sleep and eating patterns may be seen. Keeping routines is very important at this stage.
- Primary school years: Reading and writing skills may need to be rebuilt in Turkish. Making friends and being accepted in class is very valuable at these ages.
- Middle school years: The academic load increases and exams such as the LGS come onto the agenda. Identity and peer approval gain importance. Children of this age can be the group that objects most to the decision to return.
- High school years: For teenagers, the circle of friends and identity are very central. Leaving behind their social life, their plans and perhaps their first romantic relationship in the old country can be a heavy loss. A return combined with preparation for the university entrance exam can create intense pressure. For more information on this period, you can look at our adolescent counselling page.
The Role of the Family and Parents' Own Adjustment
Returning is an adjustment process not only for the child but also for the parents. The Turkey you missed for years can turn out different from what you expected once you are back: changed cities, the cost of living, friendships that have shifted, new conditions in working life. This reverse culture shock experienced by parents also affects the atmosphere in the family. We discuss this subject separately in our article on reverse culture shock.
While parents are occupied with their own disappointments, it can become harder to be patient with the child's difficulties. Sentences like "We came back for you" or "Everything is better here, why aren't you happy?" can make it harder for the child to express their feelings. Similarly, if one partner wanted to return and the other did not, this tension can be passed on to the child too.
Imagine a twelve-year-old girl, born and raised in Belgium, who has moved to Izmir with her family. Turkish is spoken at home, but at school she struggles when writing Turkish compositions. In class she has been laughed at several times over words she mispronounced. Her mother tries to encourage her by saying, "This is your homeland, you'll get used to it." The girl feels both torn away from her old school and like a "foreigner" in her new one. In this example, what the child needs is not a reminder that she must get used to it, but to have the difficulty she is going through recognised and to receive concrete support.
What Can Parents Do? Concrete Suggestions
The following steps can help make the adjustment process easier for returning children:
- See the return through the child's eyes. What is "coming home" for you may be a move to a new country for your child. Tell them that this experience can be hard and that their feelings are normal.
- Start preparing early if possible. Before the return, Turkish reading and writing practice, Turkish children's books and conversations about the school system in Turkey can ease the transition.
- Stay in close contact with the school. Tell the teacher and the school's guidance service that your child comes from abroad and in which areas they may struggle. Find out what support the school can offer.
- Plan extra support for academic Turkish. A reading habit, reading books together, writing practice and, if needed, extra lessons can speed up the development of academic language. Present this not as a punishment or a burden but as a bridge.
- Keep expectations flexible. A drop in marks in the first term or the first year can be a natural part of the adjustment process. When measuring academic success, take into account that the child is trying to adapt to a new system.
- Let them keep their link with the old country. Regular video calls with old friends, visits where possible and keeping the old language alive soften the child's loss. These ties are not an obstacle to new adjustment; they are a safe base.
- Do not let them lose their second language. Keeping the language your child learned abroad is both a part of their identity and a valuable skill for the future.
- Create social settings. Sports clubs, art workshops, scouting or courses that match their interests offer chances to make friends outside school.
- Be prepared for labelling. Talk with your child about what they can do if they are mocked or excluded. In cases of bullying, work together with the school.
- Take your own adjustment seriously too. Noticing your own feelings and getting support when needed lets you accompany your child more calmly and patiently.
It is not enough to tell a returning child "This is your home"; you need to accompany them as they discover their new home at their own pace.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Many difficulties in the adjustment process ease with time and family support. However, in the following situations it can be helpful to talk to a child and adolescent mental health specialist:
- If school refusal lasts longer than a few weeks
- If your child is withdrawing markedly and making no attempt to make friends
- If there are lasting changes in sleep, appetite or toilet habits
- If intense angry outbursts and conflict in the family are steadily increasing
- If they are being bullied or excluded at school
- If your teenage child shows hopelessness or signs of self-harm, or talks about death
If there is a risk of self-harm or another emergency, call 112 (Turkey's emergency services) in Turkey. If you are still abroad, use the emergency number of the country you are in (112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the United Kingdom, 000 in Australia). Online sessions are not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, you need to turn to local emergency services and child psychiatry services. The school's guidance service is also an important source of support in this process.
How Is the Adjustment of Returning Children Approached in Therapy?
Support during the return process can often begin before the move. Preparing through online sessions in your mother tongue while still abroad, and continuing the process with the same specialist after returning, can give the family continuity. You can find more information on this on our page for Turks living abroad.
The work can generally include the following headings:
- Parent counselling: Understanding the child's needs together with the parents, identifying concrete strategies that can be applied at home and planning cooperation with the school.
- Play-based work with younger children: Making room for feelings to be expressed through play and drawing.
- CBT-based work with school-age children and teenagers: Noticing and testing thoughts such as "Nobody will like me here" or "My Turkish is terrible, everyone is laughing"; developing social skills and ways of coping with exam anxiety.
- Identity work: Helping the child discover that they can carry both cultures at once and that this can be a richness.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take returning children to adjust?
There is no fixed period. Some children settle within a few months; for others the process can take more than a year. The child's age, language level, school environment and family support all affect the length.
Should I start my child a year lower?
This decision should be made by weighing the child's academic level, age and social development together. Talking with the school administration and the guidance service will help you make the right decision.
My child only wants to speak the language of the old country at home. What should I do?
This may be an effort to hold on to their old life. Instead of banning the language, let them feel that both languages are valuable; spread Turkish into daily life through play, books and enjoyable activities.
How should I explain the decision to return to my child?
Explain it in age-appropriate, honest and calm language. Explain the reasons for the decision, make room for their feelings, and plan together how the ties left behind will be kept.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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