Why is parenting alone abroad so exhausting? Read about the load of raising children far from family support and how to build a new village around you.
You will have heard the saying "It takes a whole village to raise a child." In Turkey, that village often exists on its own: Grandma picks the child up in the afternoon, an aunt looks after them at the weekend, a neighbour opens their door when something urgent comes up. Abroad, many mothers and fathers raise their children in a life where this village never existed. When a child falls ill, the nursery closes, a work meeting is scheduled and your partner's business trip all land in the same week, there is no one you can ask for help. Parenting alone here does not mean only single-parent families; it also describes the loneliness of raising children without a support network, even when you are married. In this article I will try to explain why parenting alone abroad can be so exhausting, what signs it can turn into burnout with, and what you can do to build yourself a new village of support.
What Is Parenting Alone Abroad?
Parenting alone can be experienced in different forms:
- Single-parent families: Mothers or fathers raising their child alone after divorce, separation or loss
- Parents who are effectively alone: Parents whose partner works long hours, travels often or works in another city or country
- Couples with no support network: Families in which both parents are present but there is no support from grandparents, siblings or close friends
Abroad, these three situations often overlap. In Turkey, parenting is usually a responsibility shared with the extended family. Abroad, this responsibility often rests on the shoulders of just one or two people. On top of that, the local families around you may have grandparent support because they are in their own country; this comparison can deepen the feeling of loneliness.
Say a mother of two living in Austria gets both children ready at seven in the morning during the weeks her husband works shifts, drops one at school and the other at nursery, and rushes to work. In the afternoon she picks them both up, cooks, helps with homework and manages bath and bedtime. When the children are asleep at night, she tidies the kitchen and prepares the next day's packed lunches. One day the younger child runs a fever and she has to take time off work, and in that moment she realises there is no one she can call. Feeling completely alone despite being married is a typical picture of parenting alone abroad.
Parenting alone is not a diagnosis; it is a condition of life for many families. But when it goes on for a long time without support, it can markedly affect a parent's mental health and family relationships.
Signs of Fatigue and Burnout in Parenting Alone
Parenting is tiring for everyone. But there are some signs that show tiredness has turned into burnout:
- Waking up in the morning and feeling worn out before the day has even begun
- Running out of patience with your child very quickly, shouting often and then feeling intense guilt
- Being unable to enjoy parenting, living on "autopilot"
- Having no time of your own and no longer even wanting any
- Falling ill often, headaches, sleep problems
- Building up anger and resentment towards your partner
- The thought "I'm not a good mother/father" coming up often
- Withdrawing completely from social relationships
- Telling your family in Turkey "Everything is fine" while feeling collapsed inside
These signs on their own do not mean a diagnosis. But if they last for weeks, it is important to have them assessed for parental burnout or depression. For general signs of burnout, you can also look at the article on burnout syndrome.
Why Is Parenting Alone Abroad So Hard?
The invisible loss of support
In Turkey, many parents are not even aware of the support they receive: the meal their mother brings, a father-in-law meeting the school bus, a neighbour saying "leave the child with me". These small helps lighten the daily load considerably. Abroad, the absence of this support means every task has to be planned and taken on one by one.
No Plan B
When a child runs a fever, when the nursery closes because of a strike or a holiday, or when one of the parents falls ill, there is often no back-up plan to turn to. This constant "what if something happens" state keeps the mind on alert and makes it hard to rest.
Cultural loneliness
There may be no circle in which you can share wishes such as putting your child to sleep with Turkish lullabies, having them kiss the elders' hands at bayram (the religious holidays) or cooking Turkish food. In a place where the school system, the approach to parenting and the rules of child-rearing are different, you may have to answer the question "Am I doing the right thing?" entirely on your own. I cover this topic in more detail in the article on raising children abroad.
Economic and bureaucratic burden
The cost of childcare, nursery waiting lists and working hours can lead one of the parents, often the mother, to pause their career in many families. This can mean loss of income, a change of identity and isolation at home.
Lack of emotional sharing
Parenting is not only a practical burden but also an emotional journey. Not having anyone close by with whom you can share your child's first steps, their first hard day at school or their waking in fear in the middle of the night, someone who will say "I went through that too", makes the experience lonely. Although video calls with family in Turkey meet part of this need, they may not fully replace sitting in the same room over a cup of tea and sharing your troubles.
Extra difficulties in single parenting
For a parent who is divorced or has lost a partner, living abroad can mean a much heavier loneliness. Joint custody arrangements with the other parent, restrictions on changing countries and pressure from family in Turkey to "come back here" can pile up together.
The Effect of Parenting Alone on Children and the Couple Relationship
On children: Children often sense their parents' stress. A parent who is constantly tired and tense may find it hard to respond to the child's emotional needs. This does not mean you are a bad parent; it only shows that you need support too. Also, children growing up far from grandparents and cousins may have their own questions about belonging. If you notice marked changes in your child's behaviour, you can find out more about child and play therapy.
On the couple relationship: In couples with no support network, the two people become each other's partner and only source of support. This load can strain the relationship. Questions like who is more tired and who is making more sacrifices can turn into a "score-keeping" cycle. It can become almost impossible for the couple to spend time alone together, because there is no one to leave the child with. In this case, even a half-hour chat at home without phones after the children are asleep can be a meaningful step in nurturing the relationship. What matters is not the length of time, but that it is regular and that you are truly turned towards each other.
Your relationship with yourself: Forgetting who you are outside parenting can lead, in the long run, to a loss of identity and a sense of meaninglessness.
Concrete Steps to Build Yourself a Village of Support
You cannot carry the village in Turkey with you, but you can start building a new village where you live. It takes time; it is important to begin with small steps.
Map your support. Draw three circles on a piece of paper. In the inner circle, write the people you could call in an emergency; in the middle circle, the people you can help each other out with now and then; in the outer circle, people you know but are not yet close to. What can you do this month to move one of the people in the outer circle into the middle one?
Set up a mutual help network. Setting up a "this week I'll pick up your child, next week you pick up mine" arrangement with another family at the school or nursery gives both families room to breathe. Other migrant families living abroad often have similar needs.
Connect with the Turkish community. Turkish mother-tongue classes, associations, mosques, cultural centres or parent groups on social media in your city can provide valuable connections for both your child and you.
Prepare a back-up plan. Decide in advance whom you will call when your child falls ill or there is an emergency. Talk beforehand with a trustworthy childminder, neighbour or friend. Even knowing a Plan B exists reduces the mental load.
Involve family in Turkey from a distance. Grandparents can read a story to the child on a video call, help with homework or sing together. This gives you a short breathing space while also strengthening the child's family bond.
Make the sharing of tasks with your partner visible. Put all the tasks of running the home and caring for the children in a list and go through who is taking on what together. The mental load is a task too: remembering doctor's appointments, buying birthday presents, filling in school forms.
Set aside small but regular time for yourself. Even if it is only an hour a week, set a time that belongs only to you: a walk, exercise, a coffee, a book. This is not a "luxury"; it is necessary for you to keep up your parenting.
Let go of the expectation of perfection. Meals do not have to be home-made every day, the house does not have to be tidy at all times, and the child does not have to take part in every activity. "Good enough" parenting is often enough for children.
Look into family support services in the country where you live. There may be parent support programmes offered by councils, schools or community centres. Ask local institutions about eligibility and conditions.
Your village may have stayed in Turkey; but a new village can be rebuilt with a neighbour, with the family of a school friend or with an association gathering.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Getting support from a professional may be helpful in the following situations:
- If the signs of burnout have lasted for weeks
- If you notice your angry outbursts at your child are becoming more frequent and that you are struggling to control them
- If you feel a constant sense of unhappiness, hopelessness or worthlessness
- If conflicts with your partner have become more frequent and you cannot support each other
- If there are marked changes in your child's behaviour, sleep or adjustment to school
- If sleeplessness, changes in appetite and physical complaints are increasing
If you have thoughts of harming yourself or your child, please call the emergency number of the country you are in without waiting (112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia). Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and psychiatric services are necessary.
How Does Mother-Tongue Online Therapy Work?
For parents who are alone, time is the scarcest resource. A session you can have from home after the child is asleep can remove the need for travel and a childminder. Therapy in your mother tongue, for its part, can let you talk about your own childhood experiences that shape your parenting, and the roles and expectations in the Turkish family structure, without having to explain them. Parent support services and mental health institutions in the country where you live are also valuable resources; online therapy in Turkish is an option that can be used alongside them.
In work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the following topics can be addressed:
- Assessing stress and burnout: The sources of the daily load and the situations that challenge you most are identified together.
- Working with thought patterns: Rigid beliefs such as "I must do everything myself", "Asking for help is weakness" and "A good mother never shouts" are noticed and loosened.
- Problem-solving and planning: Concrete steps are set for building a support network, preparing a back-up plan and sharing tasks.
- Emotion regulation: Practical methods that can be used in moments of anger and impatience are worked on.
- Self-care: Realistic goals are set for making room for yourself outside your parent identity.
If needed, couples sessions or work aimed at the child can also be planned. Sessions can be arranged with the time difference in mind; headphones and a quiet room are enough. For details, you can look at the page on Turks Living Abroad.
Frequently Asked Questions
I'm married but I feel like a lone parent. Is that normal?
Yes, many people experience this. A partner's long working hours, frequent travel or an imbalance in sharing tasks can leave a parent effectively alone. Talking to your partner about this in the language of needs rather than blame can be a first step.
I feel very guilty after shouting at my child. What should I do?
Shouting is often a sign of burnout. Talking to your child and apologising once you have calmed down also shows them how to cope with feelings. If this happens often, it is important to look at your own need for support.
Would returning to Turkey solve the loneliness?
Being close to family support may bring relief for some families, but returning brings its own difficulties. It is recommended that you make this decision not only in the period when tiredness is at its most intense, but by weighing up all of the family's circumstances.
How can I pass Turkish culture on to my child abroad?
Speaking Turkish at home, reading Turkish books, celebrating bayrams, cooking Turkish food and connecting with the Turkish community support this transmission. Regular video calls with family in Turkey can also strengthen the child's tie with their roots.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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