What challenges come with raising children abroad? Practical advice on passing on values, keeping Turkish alive and supporting your child's adjustment.
Your child comes home from school and tells you something in the language of the country you live in, and you answer in Turkish. At dinner a small argument breaks out about table manners: "But my friends do it like this." You want to teach them to kiss the elders' hands at Bayram, and they ask why it matters. Raising children abroad adds extra layers to the usual difficulties of parenting: two cultures, two languages and, often, the absence of close family support. In this article we look at what it means to raise children abroad, the difficulties commonly seen in children and parents, the cultural context, family dynamics, and concrete steps you can take both to pass on your values and to support your child's adjustment.
What Does It Mean to Raise Children Abroad?
Raising children abroad means bringing up your child in a culture different from the one you grew up in, with a different education system, different social norms and often a different language. On the one hand, the parent wants to pass on the values and habits they brought from their own childhood; on the other, they want their child to be a happy, successful and accepted person in the country where they live.
This process differs according to the family's migration story:
- Recently migrated families: Both they and their children are in the process of adjustment at the same time.
- Parents who were born and raised abroad: Second or third generation parents bring up their children drawing on their own childhood experiences.
- Mixed marriages: When one parent is Turkish and the other is from a different culture, the child may grow up in contact with three different cultures (mother, father and the country of residence).
- Families abroad temporarily: Families who go abroad for work or study for a few years may also worry about how their children will readjust when they return to Turkey.
There is no single "right way" to raise children abroad. Every family strikes its own balance according to its values, circumstances and its child's needs.
Common Difficulties in Children and Parents
Signs to watch for in children
Moving to a new country or growing up between two cultures can affect children's emotional world in different ways. The following signs may call for attention:
- Not wanting to go to school, stomach aches or headaches in the mornings
- Sleep problems, nightmares
- An increase in angry outbursts, or withdrawal
- Going back to behaviours of younger ages (such as bedwetting or thumb-sucking)
- Difficulty making friends, being alone at school
- Refusing to speak Turkish, or wanting to hide their Turkish origin
- A marked drop in school performance
These signs alone do not mean there is a problem; many of them can be seen temporarily during the adjustment process. But if they last longer than a few weeks or intensify, talking to a specialist may be helpful.
Feelings common in parents
- Guilt at the thought of having "uprooted" their child
- Worry that the child will lose Turkish or cultural values
- Difficulty communicating with the school system and teachers
- Exhaustion caused by the absence of support figures such as paternal and maternal grandmothers and aunts
- The feeling that the child knows the culture of the country of residence better than they do, and a sense of inadequacy
- Feeling caught between two cultures in parenting decisions
Cultural Context: How Can Values Clash?
The cultural differences that Turkish families raising children abroad often encounter include the following:
Independence and family ties. In some countries, children are encouraged from an early age to be independent, to make their own decisions and to separate from the family in adolescence. In Turkish culture, family ties, respect for elders and joint decision-making may hold a more important place. This difference can lead to conflicts, especially in adolescence.
Approach to discipline. The school and society may adopt certain approaches to disciplining children. Methods that parents saw in their own childhood may not be accepted in the country where they live. This can lead parents to feel "I don't know what to do." Approaches based on setting boundaries and consistency rather than punishment can work in both cultures.
Privacy and the body. On matters such as sex education, body safety, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships and clothing, the approach of the school and of the family may differ.
Religion and belief. Families who want to pass on religious values may find it hard to reconcile this with the child's school and friendship environment.
Academic expectations. Some parents expect more intensive study and exam success in line with the education approach in Turkey, while the school system of the country where they live may focus on different skills.
Language. Turkish is one of the most important tools of family bonding and cultural transmission. As a child learns the language of the country they live in, they may move away from Turkish; this can create a sense of loss in parents. We have covered the details of raising bilingual children in our article on bilingual children.
Giving your child two cultures at once does not divide them in two; it gives them the chance to look at the world through two different windows.
The Effect of Raising Children Abroad on the Family and Relationships
Between parents. Partners may hold different attitudes to child-rearing. One may take a more "traditional" and the other a more "accommodating" approach. When these differences are argued out in front of the child, the child can become caught between the two parents. Parents developing a shared language on basic issues supports the child's sense of security.
Changing roles. When children learn the language faster, they may start interpreting for their parents and reading official correspondence. This can place a responsibility on the child above their age. It is important, as far as possible, not to use the child as an interpreter in official and sensitive matters.
Relationship with the extended family. Grandparents in Turkey may run into language and distance barriers when trying to bond with their grandchildren. They may also criticise the way children are raised abroad: "You're giving the child too much freedom" or "You've let them forget their Turkish." These criticisms can make a parent feel alone and inadequate.
Parental exhaustion. The absence of the extended family network that helps with childcare in Turkey can mean parents, especially mothers, carry a much heavier load. This exhaustion can also be reflected in the relationship with the child.
What You Can Do Yourself: Concrete Steps for Parents
- Define your family values together. Sit down with your partner and talk about the question "Which values do we want to pass on to our child?" For example honesty, family ties, respect, helpfulness, curiosity... Writing these values down and reviewing them from time to time guides everyday decisions.
- Explain the "why"s. Children, especially as they grow older, wonder about the reason for a rule or tradition. Explanations such as "At Bayram we visit the elders because we want to show that we value them", instead of "That's how it is with us", make it easier for values to be internalised.
- Make Turkish the natural language of the home. Speaking Turkish regularly at home, reading Turkish books, singing Turkish songs and making video calls with relatives in Turkey keeps the language alive. Try to present Turkish not as an obligation but as the language of love and connection.
- Value the culture of the country you live in too. Taking part in your child's school events, getting to know their friends and being curious about local traditions prevents the child from being stuck "between two worlds". A parent constantly criticising the country they live in can lead the child to become alienated from their own life.
- Communicate with the school. Meeting teachers regularly lets you find out how your child is at school. If there is a language barrier, you can ask whether the school provides interpreter support.
- Listen to your child's feelings. Ask questions like "How do you feel at school?", "What do you do with your friends?" and "Has anything upset you?" and listen to the answers without judgement. If the child tells you they are being excluded or discriminated against, take their feelings seriously and, if necessary, contact the school.
- Create cultural rituals. Bayram tables, Turkish breakfasts, family stories and fairy tales help the child connect with their roots. Adding elements from the country you live in to these rituals shows that two cultures can coexist.
- Widen your support network. Connecting with other Turkish families, local parent groups and neighbours reduces both your and your child's loneliness. Even finding a few families you can support each other with in childcare can make a big difference.
- Look after yourself too. It is hard for a tired and exhausted parent to approach their child with patience. Sleep, rest and small slices of time of your own are necessary to make parenting sustainable.
- Be ready for adolescence. In adolescence, questions of identity and cultural conflicts can intensify. In this period, being open to negotiating rules, listening to the teenager and being clear on core values while flexible on details helps protect the relationship.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It may be helpful to talk to a specialist in the following situations:
- If anxiety, withdrawal, angry outbursts or sleep problems in your child last longer than a few weeks
- If they constantly refuse to go to school or their school performance has dropped markedly
- If they have had difficulty making friends for a long time and are left alone
- If you think they are experiencing peer bullying or discrimination
- If there are constant, wearing conflicts with your teenager because of cultural differences
- If you, as a parent, feel exhausted, alone or helpless
- If you and your partner constantly disagree about raising your children
When seeking support for children, you can also consider school counsellors and child mental health services in the country where you live. If you would like support in Turkish, online work with young children has limits; in such cases parent counselling and family sessions play an important role. With older children and adolescents, online sessions can often be carried out. You can look at the child and play therapy page on this subject.
Emergencies: If there is a situation that threatens your child's or your own safety, or if you notice thoughts of self-harm or ending life, call the emergency number of the country where you are: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local child psychiatric services are necessary.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?
For parents raising children abroad, online therapy can offer a space in which to talk about parenting worries in their own language, without having to explain their cultural context at length. For details aimed at those living abroad, you can look at the page on Turkish-language therapy for Turks living abroad.
The process generally proceeds around the following areas:
Parent sessions. The child's developmental history, family structure, migration experience, school situation and parents' worries are discussed in detail. With young children, an important part of the work is done with the parents.
Parenting skills. Concrete strategies are developed for positive discipline, setting boundaries, supporting emotion regulation and communicating effectively with the child. These strategies are adapted to fit the family's values and the conditions of the country they live in.
Cognitive behavioural approach. Parents' thoughts such as "I uprooted my child" or "I can't be a good parent" are addressed; how these thoughts affect parenting behaviour is examined. In sessions with adolescents, work can be done on anxiety, anger and identity using a CBT-based approach.
Communication within the family. Communication skills are worked on in order to develop a shared parenting language between parents and to be able to discuss cultural differences between the teenager and the family.
Session times are planned according to the time difference and the children's school hours; payments can be made online, and pricing in TL and payment by international card are possible. For matters such as insurance reimbursement, we recommend checking the insurance terms in the country where you live.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does raising children abroad affect a child's identity negatively?
Not in itself. Many children who grow up with two cultures can develop into adaptable people who understand different perspectives. What matters is that the child is allowed to embrace both cultures and is not forced to choose one.
My child does not want to speak Turkish. What should I do?
This is especially common at school age. Instead of applying pressure, it can help to link Turkish with fun and meaningful activities, to support the child in connecting with Turkish-speaking peers and relatives, and to keep speaking Turkish at home patiently.
My child says they are being excluded at school. How should I approach this?
First listen to your child calmly and take their feelings seriously. Try to find out in detail what happened and contact their teacher. If the exclusion or bullying continues, it is important to speak to the school management and, if necessary, to seek professional support.
We are thinking of returning to Turkey. How will this affect the child?
Returning is also a migration for the child and may require a new process of adjustment. Children who were born and raised abroad in particular may struggle in Turkey with the school system, the language and friendships. Talking about the decision to return with the child in an age-appropriate way and planning the transition can make this adjustment easier.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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