Bilingual Children: Keeping Turkish Alive and Building Identity

How do you keep Turkish alive while raising bilingual children? Practical advice on language mixing, the rejection phase and identity development.

Turkish at home, German, Dutch, English or French at school... For many children growing up abroad, daily life is lived between two languages. Parents, in turn, often face the same questions: Will raising a bilingual child confuse them? What should we do to keep Turkish alive? What happens if our child doesn't want to speak Turkish? In this article we look at how bilingualism relates to a child's emotional world and identity development, and share concrete steps you can take at home. Our aim is not to offer a perfect language plan; it is to remind you that language is part of family bonds and belonging, and to guide you on this journey.

What Does It Mean to Be a Bilingual Child?

A bilingual child is a child who regularly hears and uses two languages in daily life. These two languages do not always develop to the same level. In most children, one language works as the "strong language" and the other as a "second language", and this balance can shift with age, the school environment and the circle of friends. For example, a child whose Turkish is stronger before school may, a few years after starting school, speak the language of the country they live in more comfortably.

In Turkish families abroad, bilingualism takes different forms:

• Simultaneous bilingualism: The child hears both languages from birth. For example, the mother speaks Turkish and the father speaks the language of the country where they live.
• Sequential bilingualism: The child first learns Turkish at home and moves on to the second language with nursery or school.
• Turkish as a heritage language: In second- or third-generation families, even if Turkish is spoken at home, the child's dominant language is often the language of the country they live in.

None of these differences is "wrong". What matters is that the family builds a sustainable language environment suited to its own circumstances.

Common Situations in Bilingual Children

Most of the situations that worry parents most are in fact natural parts of bilingual development. Recognising them can reduce unnecessary anxiety.

Mixing Languages

Sentences like "Anne, ich will su" ("Mum, I want water", mixing Turkish and German) are heard in many families. Mixing languages does not mean the child cannot tell the two languages apart. The child uses the most suitable word that comes to mind at that moment; bilingual adults do this often too. Over time, the child gets better and better at adjusting which language to use with which person.

The Silent Period

A child who is newly meeting a second language may speak little at nursery or school for a while. During this period the child listens, observes and processes the language internally. The silent period is usually temporary; however, if it goes on for a long time, or if the child withdraws at home too, it is useful to consult a specialist.

Rejecting Turkish

Many children of school age go through a period when they don't want to speak Turkish. The parent asks in Turkish, and the child replies in the language of the country they live in. This is often a phase of "trying out identity": the child wants to be like their friends and not to look different. Rejection is not a personal attack; it is an expression of the child's need to belong.

Imbalance in Vocabulary

A child may talk about school subjects more comfortably in the language of the country they live in, and about feelings and family matters more comfortably in Turkish. This shows that the two languages have been "distributed" across different areas of life, and it is quite common.

Whether a bilingual child has a speech delay is a question that needs a separate assessment. We cover this in detail in our article on speech delay in bilingual children.

Why Is Turkish So Important? Language, Emotion and Identity

Keeping Turkish alive is not only a matter of a language skill. In most families the mother tongue is the language of love, lullabies, prayers and fairy tales, and of the bond with grandmother. Being able to video call grandparents in Turkey, playing with cousins during the summer holidays, kissing hands at the bayram (religious holiday) and chatting all strengthen a child's connection with their roots.

Language is also an important carrier when it comes to identity. A child growing up with two cultures meets the question "Where am I from?" from time to time. Knowing Turkish makes one of the possible answers easier: "I'm from both here and there." Some young people who have lost Turkish later describe finding it hard to communicate with their relatives in Turkey and feeling like a foreigner on both sides.

Language passes on to a child not only words, but also a sense of belonging to their family, their past and themselves.

On the other hand, pushing the language of the country they live in into the background while holding on to Turkish can also be hard on a child. Speaking that language comfortably is necessary for success at school, friendships and daily life. The healthy goal is for the two languages to be seen not as rivals but as resources that complement each other.

The Effect of Bilingualism on the Family and Relationships

Raising a bilingual child can bring a range of feelings in the family.

• Guilt: The thought "My child can't speak Turkish properly, I didn't try hard enough" is seen in many parents.
• Tension: Disagreements can arise between partners about which language should be spoken, and how much. Especially in mixed marriages, the partner who doesn't speak Turkish may feel left out.
• Pressure from the extended family: When relatives in Turkey ask, "Doesn't this child know Turkish?", the parent may feel shame or inadequacy.
• Differences between siblings: While the older child speaks Turkish well, the younger sibling may use the language of the country they live in more. Siblings often choose the school language among themselves.

Say a mother asks her son Turkish questions every day when he comes home from school, and he answers in short sentences in the other language. When the mother interprets this as "He's rejecting our culture", arguments begin; the child, for his part, comes to see Turkish more and more as an area of pressure. Yet when the same situation is interpreted as "He's come home tired, he's thinking in the school language", the mother can stay calm and the Turkish conversation can move on to more enjoyable moments. This example shows how our interpretations affect both our feelings and our relationship with the child.

Steps You Can Take at Home for a Bilingual Child

There is no single right way to keep Turkish alive. The steps below offer a framework you can adapt to your family's circumstances.

1. Decide on a Language Plan

Talk as a family about which language will be spoken in which situation. Some common methods:

• One parent, one language: One parent always speaks Turkish, and the other speaks the language of the country they live in.
• Turkish at home, the other language outside: The home becomes the natural space for Turkish.
• Based on time and activity: Dinner, the bedtime story or the weekend breakfast is held in Turkish.

Remember that the plan is a flexible guide, not a set of rigid rules.

2. Link Turkish to Enjoyable Moments

Children learn language most easily through play, songs and stories. If you use Turkish only in supervising sentences such as "Have you done your homework?", the child may associate the language with control. Instead:

• Read Turkish fairy tales before bed or tell stories you make up yourself.
• Listen to Turkish children's songs and recite nursery rhymes together.
• Turn the Turkish names of ingredients into a game while cooking.
• Plan regular, short video calls with older family members in Turkey.

3. Expand Rather Than Correct

When a child forms an incorrect or mixed sentence, instead of saying "You can't say it like that", repeat the correct form naturally. For example, when the child says, "Ben parka gitmek istiyorum, ama yağmur var" ("I want to go to the park, but there is rain"), you can reply, "Yes, it's raining; we'll go to the park when the rain stops." That way, the child hears the correct pattern without embarrassment.

4. Create Environments Where Turkish Is Spoken

When a child can use Turkish not only with their parents but also with their peers, motivation rises. Turkish play groups, mother-tongue lessons, cultural associations or meetings with Turkish family friends are valuable in this respect. Visits to Turkey during the summer holidays also bring the language to life.

5. Approach the Rejection Phase with Patience

When a child doesn't want to answer in Turkish, forcing or punishing them usually backfires. Keep speaking Turkish yourself; as long as the child understands, the bond continues. From time to time you can make playful invitations such as "How would we say this in Turkish? Shall we find out together?" Many children become interested in Turkish again in adolescence or young adulthood.

6. Notice Your Own Feelings

When you feel anxious about your child's Turkish, ask yourself: "Is what I'm feeling now about my child's development, or about my own experience of living abroad, my fear of loss, or the responsibility I feel towards my family?" Making this distinction helps you approach your child more calmly.

7. Show Both Cultures as Valuable

Belittling the language and culture of the country where the child lives can force them to choose between two worlds. The message "There are good things here, and in Turkey too" makes it easier for the child to carry both identities together. We touch on this in our article on identity between two cultures.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Bilingualism on its own is not a problem; however, in some situations, getting support from a specialist can be a relief for both the child and the family:

• If you think the child is clearly behind their peers in both languages,
• If the child has not spoken at school or at home for a long time and is withdrawing,
• If the language issue has become a constant source of argument and tension at home,
• If the child is being excluded or mocked at school because of their language or origin,
• If the child shows signs such as anxiety, angry outbursts, sleep problems or not wanting to go to school,
• If you, as a parent, feel intense guilt, exhaustion or helplessness.

For questions about speech and language development, it is important to ask for an assessment from speech and language therapists in the country where you live or from your paediatrician. For emotional and behavioural matters, psychological support focused on the child and the family can be considered. In an emergency where the safety of your child or a family member is at risk, call the emergency number of the country you are in (112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia). Online therapy is not an emergency response service.

How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?

In mother-tongue sessions with families living abroad, the subject of bilingualism is usually addressed along two lines: the child and the parent. An environment where Turkish is spoken can make it easier for parents to talk about their own worries, the expectations coming from older family members and their experience of living abroad without having to explain them. This does not replace services such as the school psychologist, paediatrician or speech therapist in the country where you live; it is an option that can be used alongside them.

In work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the following steps may stand out:

• Assessment: The family's language arrangements, the child's developmental history, the school environment and communication patterns in the family are reviewed together.
• Psychoeducation: Information is given about the natural parts of bilingual development, such as language mixing, the silent period and the rejection phase.
• Work on thoughts and feelings: Automatic thoughts such as "If my child loses Turkish, I'm a failed parent" are noticed, and more balanced perspectives are developed.
• Parent counselling: Games, conversation routines and ways of communicating that reduce conflict are planned for use at home.
• Working with the child: With children of a suitable age, identity, belonging and the school experience can be talked about through methods such as play and drawing. You can find information on this on our page on child and play therapy.

For online sessions, a quiet, private room, headphones and a secure internet connection are enough. Taking time differences into account, session times can be planned around the family's routine. Payments are made online, and payment by international card is possible. We recommend that you also check separately whether the insurance terms in the country where you live cover this kind of session. You can find more information about our work with people living abroad on our page for Turks living abroad.

Frequently Asked Questions

Will a bilingual child fall behind at school?

Bilingualism on its own does not lower school achievement. At first, vocabulary in the school language may lag behind peers for a while, but most children close the gap over time. Working together with the school and supporting your child to read in both languages makes this process easier.

If we speak only Turkish at home, will the child's school language be weaker?

School, friends and the surrounding environment generally support the language of the country sufficiently. Speaking Turkish at home does not, in most cases, hold back the school language. Even so, if there are signs that the child is struggling in the school language, it is a good idea to talk to the teachers and plan extra support if needed.

My child refuses to speak Turkish. Should I force them?

Forcing often turns language into an area of conflict. Keep speaking Turkish yourself, link Turkish to enjoyable activities and create settings where your child can use Turkish with their peers. The rejection phase is temporary for most children.

Do bilingual children experience identity confusion?

Growing up with two cultures can make the question "Who am I?" more visible at times. However, when the family shows both cultures as valuable and listens to the child's feelings, bilingualism can become a resource that enriches identity for most children. When difficulties become more intense, it is always possible for the family to get support.

• #bilingualism
• #children abroad
• #mother tongue
• #identity development

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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