Bicultural Identity: Feeling You Belong Neither Here Nor There

What is bicultural identity and why can it be difficult? Belonging, identity conflict and ways of bringing two cultures together for those who feel in between.

When you go to Turkey, you feel you are looked at as an "Almancı" (a Turk from Germany), a "European" or a "foreigner". In the country where you live, you still meet the question, "But where are you really from?" You feel as if you are too Turkish in one place and not Turkish enough in the other. The sentence "I'm neither from there nor from here" is a familiar inner voice for many Turks living abroad, especially those who were born and raised there. Bicultural identity is the identity experience of people who carry the values, language and habits of two different cultures together. In this article we look at what bicultural identity is, what difficulties it can bring, its causes, how it plays out in the family, and healthy ways of carrying both cultures together.

What Is Bicultural Identity?

Identity is the sum of the answers we give to the question "Who am I?" These answers are fed by our family, our language, our values, our relationships and the society we live in. Bicultural identity forms when a person draws these answers from two different cultures at the same time.

Bicultural identity can appear in different forms:

• Second and third generation born and raised abroad: People who grew up speaking Turkish at home and another language at school and on the street.
• Those who migrated as children or adolescents: People who met two cultures during an important period of identity development.
• Those who migrated as adults and have lived abroad for many years: People who, over time, have also internalised the new culture.
• Children of mixed marriages: People whose mother and father come from different cultures.

In cross-cultural psychology, it is emphasised that bicultural people can experience these two identities in different ways. Some feel the two identities as harmonious parts that complement each other. Others experience them as conflicting forces between which they have to choose. Others still "switch" identity depending on the situation: behaving like one person at home and another at school or at work. None of these is "wrong"; however, when the sense of conflict intensifies, the person can feel divided, tired and rootless.

Bicultural identity is not a fixed state either. The same person may feel more "Turkish" in childhood, more a part of the country they live in during adolescence, and a mixture of the two in adulthood. Life events such as marriage, having children, losing a loved one or spending a long time in Turkey can also change this balance. We have looked at the identity experience of generations born and raised abroad separately in our article on second- and third-generation Turks.

What Are the Signs of Feeling Caught Between Two Cultures?

The challenging sides of bicultural identity can show themselves in various ways:

• A feeling of "I don't belong anywhere": Feeling that you are not fully accepted either in Turkey or in the country where you live
• A constant need to explain yourself: Having to tell both sides where you are from and why you do, or don't do, certain things
• Conflict of loyalty: Feeling that you are "betraying" one culture when you adopt the values of the other
• Fatigue from switching roles: The exhaustion of having to behave like a different person at home, at school, at work and with friends
• Shame or concealment: A need to hide your origins, language or family from time to time, and then feeling guilty about it
• Conflict with family expectations: Being caught between your family and your own wishes on matters such as choice of partner, career, clothing and lifestyle
• A sense of inadequacy about language: Finding your Turkish "not good enough" and feeling embarrassed speaking it in Turkey; fearing exclusion because of your accent in the language of the country where you live

These signs are natural difficulties of bicultural identity and on their own do not mean a mental health problem. When they are intense and long-lasting, however, they can become entangled with anxiety, low mood and problems with self-confidence.

Why Can Bicultural Identity Be Challenging? Causes and Cultural Context

Different value systems. In Turkish culture, family unity, respect for elders, social harmony and the worry about "what will people say" (elalem ne der) can have an important place. In many Western societies, individuality, independence and personal choice come to the fore. A person growing up between these two value systems may sometimes not know which one to live by.

Expectations from both sides. While the family gives the message "Don't forget your own culture", school and society may give the message "Adapt to here". Each message makes sense in itself, but when they arrive together they can leave a person in between.

Exclusion and labelling. Being seen as a "foreigner" or "immigrant" in the country where you live, and being labelled a "gurbetçi" or "Almancı" in Turkey, can make a person feel they are not fully accepted by either side. These labels, even when said as a joke, can leave deep hurt.

Adolescence and the search for identity. Identity development is most intense during adolescence. Being caught between two cultures in this period can make the "Who am I?" questions that adolescence already brings even more complicated.

A changing relationship with Turkey. For people who know Turkey only from summer holidays or from what their family tells them, the country is both familiar and foreign. The rapid changes in Turkey and the difference between the "old Turkey" described by the family and today's Turkey can also create confusion.

Belonging is not having to choose one place; it is accepting that you can belong to more than one.

The Impact of Bicultural Identity on Family, Relationships and Children

Between parent and child. First-generation parents may worry that their children are drifting away from their culture. Children, in turn, may think their parents do not understand the country they live in. Say a sixteen-year-old girl growing up in Austria wants to go to a night-time event with her friends. While her mother says, "We don't do such things", the girl replies, "But I grew up here." In fact each carries a worry that is justified from their own side: the mother wants to protect her daughter and pass on her values; the girl wants not to be left out among her friends and to be able to make her own decisions. Conflicts like these are the areas where cultural differences are most often seen between adolescents and parents. Adolescent counselling can offer support in working with teenagers on these issues.

In romantic relationships. Choice of partner is one of the most sensitive areas of bicultural identity. Being caught between the family's expectation of "one of us" and the love a person feels for a partner from a different culture is a common experience. Even with a Turkish partner, the fact that the two people carry the two cultures in different proportions can lead to different expectations in the relationship.

When raising their own children. Adults with a bicultural identity have to decide which values to pass on when raising their own children. This can also lead them to rethink the conflicts they went through in their own childhood.

Between siblings. Even siblings who grew up in the same family can relate to the two cultures in different ways. One may feel more "Turkish" and the other more "local", and this difference can create tension within the family.

Carrying Two Cultures Together: What You Can Do on Your Own

Bicultural identity can be a richness rather than a problem. To feel this richness, you can try the steps below:

1. Draw your identity map. Write your name in the middle of a sheet of paper. Around it, write the values, habits and things you love that you have taken from both cultures, for example "family meals", "punctuality", "hospitality", "straight talking". Try to notice which ones truly belong to you and which you carry only because they are expected.
2. Say "both" instead of "either/or". You do not have to choose between the two cultures. You can describe yourself as "Turkish-German", "Dutch-Turkish" or in any other way that is meaningful to you.
3. Clarify your values. Which values are non-negotiable for you? Family ties, honesty, freedom, faith, achievement... Knowing your own values makes it easier to find your own way between the expectations of the two cultures.
4. Connect with people who share a similar experience. Talking with other bicultural people who live the same "neither from there nor from here" feeling can help you feel you are not alone. These people do not have to be Turkish; people from different migrant communities have similar experiences.
5. Claim your language. Your Turkish does not have to be "perfect". Speaking as much as you know is a way of connecting with your roots. If you want, you can improve your language with Turkish books, series or podcasts.
6. Review how you react to labels. Labels such as "Almancı" or "foreigner" can be hurtful. Remembering that these labels reflect the other person's point of view, not your identity, can reduce their effect.
7. Communicate openly with your family. Try talking to your parents about cultural differences without blame. A sentence such as "I respect your values, but I grew up here and I see some things differently" can open the dialogue.
8. Draw sources of meaning from both cultures. Celebrating both Turkish holidays and the important days of the country where you live in your own way can help you keep both identities alive together.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

The difficulties that come with bicultural identity are often a natural part of life. However, in the following situations speaking with a specialist can be helpful:

• If the feeling of "I don't belong anywhere" comes with an intense emptiness and hopelessness
• If you are having constant, wearing conflicts with your family about identity, values or relationships
• If you are constantly hiding your origins, your family or yourself in shame
• If experiences of discrimination are creating anxiety, anger or insecurity in you
• If you are having long-lasting sadness, inability to enjoy things, or changes in sleep or appetite
• If you have felt stuck for a long time over important life decisions (choice of partner, career, country to live in)

Emergencies: If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are needed.

How Is Bicultural Identity Addressed in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?

For bicultural people, which language is used in therapy is itself a meaningful question. Some prefer to talk about family and childhood in Turkish, and about work and friendships in another language. In the online therapy process, Turkish is spoken; it is also natural to express some concepts in the language of the country where you live when needed. For details, you can look at the page on therapy in Turkish for Turks living abroad.

In therapy, bicultural identity is usually addressed under the following headings:

Understanding the identity story. Where were you born, what kind of family did you grow up in, when and how did you first meet the two cultures? In which moments did you feel most "in between"?

Examining conflicting beliefs. In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, beliefs such as "If I move away from Turkish values, I will lose my family" or "I will never be accepted in this country" are addressed. Where these beliefs come from, how realistic they are and how they affect your life are looked at together.

Noticing schemas. In some people, deep belief patterns from childhood such as "I am inadequate", "I don't belong" or "I must meet other people's expectations" can be strengthened by the bicultural experience. Noticing these patterns is the first step towards changing them.

Making values-based choices. You are supported in making decisions that fit your own values between the expectations of the two cultures. The aim is not to choose one culture but to build a wholeness that is meaningful to you.

Communication skills with the family. Work is done on communication skills for talking about difficult topics with parents, setting boundaries and at the same time keeping the bond.

Session times are planned according to the time difference. Payments can be made online; pricing in TL and payment by international card are possible.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is being bicultural a psychological problem?

No. Bicultural identity is not a problem but a life experience. Many people find carrying two cultures together enriching. Difficulties usually come from exclusion, conflicts within the family or feeling that you have to choose between the two cultures.

My Turkish is not good. Can I still claim my Turkish identity?

Of course. Identity is not determined by language proficiency alone. Your values, family ties, memories and cultural habits are also part of your identity. If you wish, you can improve your Turkish; but this is not a precondition for claiming your identity.

My family thinks I am drifting away from our culture. What can I do?

Trying to understand your family's worry and explaining your own point of view without blame is an important start. Emphasising which values you share can make it easier to talk about differences. If the conflicts have become very wearing, getting support with communicating with your family can be helpful.

How can I support my child's bicultural identity?

It is important to let your child embrace both cultures and not to force them to choose one. Speaking Turkish, telling family stories and sharing cultural rituals help them connect with their roots, while seeing the culture of the country they live in as valuable helps them feel whole.

• #bicultural identity
• #belonging
• #second generation
• #Turks living abroad

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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