What is guilt about living abroad, and why do you feel guilty for leaving? Read about the causes of expat guilt and practical steps for coping with it.
Do you feel a sudden pang inside while you are having a lovely day abroad? While sitting in a restaurant, playing with your child in the park or receiving news of a promotion, do you think of your mother, father and siblings back in Turkey and find yourself thinking, "Here I am enjoying myself while they are over there..."? This feeling has a common name: guilt about living abroad, or more simply, the guilt of the one who left. It is the sense of owing a debt, of having betrayed or fallen short towards your family, your homeland or those left behind because you emigrated. In this article I will try to explain where this guilt comes from, what signs it gives, how it can affect your relationships and how you can build a healthier relationship with it.
What Is Guilt About Living Abroad?
Guilt is a feeling that arises when we think we have broken a value or a rule. In healthy doses, guilt helps us protect our relationships and repair our mistakes. Sometimes, however, guilt appears even though we have not actually done anything wrong, and it stays with us for a long time.
Guilt about living abroad is exactly this kind of feeling. You may have gone abroad for a better job, education, safety, your children's future or personal freedom. These decisions are often legitimate and understandable. Even so, a voice inside you may say, "You left them alone" or "You saved yourself." This voice can get louder, especially when you watch from a distance as Turkey goes through economic hardship, collective traumas such as earthquakes, or illness within the family.
Guilt about living abroad can be experienced in different forms:
- Guilt towards family: Not being able to take part in the care of ageing parents, siblings carrying the burden
- Survivor guilt: Thinking that you are in better circumstances while watching the hardships in Turkey from afar
- Identity guilt: Beginning to forget Turkish, picking up the habits of the new culture and perceiving this as a betrayal
- Parental guilt: Raising your children far from their grandmothers and grandfathers
Signs of Guilt About Living Abroad
Guilt about living abroad does not always show up as the sentence "I feel guilty". Most of the time it reveals itself in behaviour and thoughts:
- Hesitating to share happy moments abroad on social media, thinking "They will be upset if they see"
- Sending money to Turkey regularly and feeling it as a kind of "atonement", feeling uncomfortable when you spend on yourself
- Exaggerating the difficulties of your life in calls with family and hiding what is going well
- Giving every day of leave and every holiday to a trip to Turkey and ignoring your own need for rest
- Feeling personally responsible for every piece of bad news from Turkey
- Self-critical thoughts such as "I am selfish" or "I am a bad son or daughter"
- Being unable to enjoy your own achievements
- A sudden sadness or restlessness in moments when you are happy
These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis. However, if guilt colours a large part of your life, steers your decisions and leaves you feeling exhausted, it can be useful to get to know it more closely.
Why Does Guilt About Living Abroad Happen? Cultural Context
Values of togetherness and loyalty
In Turkish culture, the family is often placed above the individual as a value. It matters for the family to be together, to stay close to elders and to gather at religious holidays. For someone who grew up with these values, migration can feel like a decision that conflicts with their own value system. In one sense, emigrating means "breaking away from the family", and this activates deep beliefs about loyalty.
Messages from the family
Sometimes the family says things that openly place guilt on you: "You left us and went away", "Of course you are comfortable over there." At other times guilt is felt without ever being spoken, in a sigh or a silence. Even parents' well-meant "We are fine, don't worry about us" can trigger the thought in the child far away: "Actually they are not fine, they are hiding it from me." I discuss these dynamics in more detail in my article on family pressure when living abroad.
Internalised rules
Some rules we learned in childhood stay with us in adulthood: "Family comes first", "A good son or daughter makes sacrifices", "Whoever thinks of themselves is selfish." When these rules are held rigidly, every decision that takes your own needs into account can be perceived as a crime. In the schema therapy literature, this is linked with the themes of self-sacrifice and over-responsibility. People who have learned to put their own needs in the background for a long time can experience intense guilt after a big "for myself" decision such as migration.
Comparison and the perception of inequality
If there is a clear difference between the opportunities in the country where you live and the conditions your family in Turkey faces, this difference can feed guilt. Comparisons such as "I can easily get healthcare here, my mother is waiting in a queue over there" can make a person feel responsible for inequalities they cannot control.
Watching social events from a distance
Major collective traumas such as the 6 February 2023 earthquakes were among the moments when guilt about living abroad was felt most intensely by many Turks abroad. Watching the news on a screen, being unable to rush to help and having to carry on with daily life at the same time can give rise to the thought "I am safe, they are under the rubble." A similar feeling can appear in times of economic crisis too.
Say an engineer living in Canada went to work on the day the earthquake news arrived, attended meetings and took his child swimming in the evening. When he got into bed at night, the guilt that filled him turned into the question "How could I behave normally?" Yet what he did that day reflected the need for life to go on in the face of a disaster; it was not insensitivity. In moments like these, small but meaningful steps such as donating, joining voluntary work or staying in touch with loved ones can reduce the feeling of helplessness.
The Effect of Guilt About Living Abroad on Relationships and Family
Guilt about living abroad does not remain just an inner feeling; it also affects your relationships.
Relationship with your family: Guilt makes it harder to set boundaries. Saying "yes" to every request from your family, taking on responsibilities beyond your financial or emotional capacity and ending up with anger and burnout is a common cycle. Guilt and anger often go together: you can be angry both at yourself and at the family members who place this burden on you.
Relationship with your partner: Money sent to Turkey, all the holidays being spent on family visits or constant "should we go back?" discussions can create tension between you and your partner. Your partner may feel that they and the family you have built come second. My article on marriage problems abroad can offer an additional perspective on this.
Relationship with your children: Guilt can also be reflected in parenting. Thinking that your children are not spending enough time with their grandparents can push you to overcompensate. Sometimes, without realising it, children are given the message "We are here because of you", which can plant the seeds of their own guilt.
Relationship with yourself: This is perhaps the most important effect. Constant guilt can lead a person not to "allow" themselves their own life, to belittle their achievements and to doubt their own worth.
Concrete Steps for Coping With Guilt About Living Abroad
Getting rid of guilt all at once is not a realistic goal. The aim is to understand it and not let it run your life.
Name the guilt. For a week, make a note of the moments when you feel guilty. What happened, what did you think, what did you feel, what did you do? This record lets you see in which situations guilt is triggered.
Separate real guilt from disproportionate guilt. Ask yourself: "Have I really done something that harms someone, or have I simply made a decision for my own needs?" If you made a promise to someone and did not keep it, you can take steps to repair it. But living abroad is not in itself a harm.
Remember your reasons for leaving. Write down why you made the decision to migrate. Remembering your circumstances, hopes and worries at the time can stop today's guilt from unfairly judging the decision of the past.
Loosen your rules. Try rewriting the rule "A good son or daughter is always close by" as "A good son or daughter can show their love and support in different ways." The new sentence may not feel convincing at first; your mind can get used to it as you repeat it.
Make your contribution visible. List what you provide to your family from a distance: regular calls, financial support, help with official matters, research on health issues, emotional support. Most of the time guilt ignores what we do and focuses only on what we cannot do.
Set healthy boundaries. Set a realistic budget for financial support, create a sustainable routine for calls, and keep some of your holidays for yourself. Setting boundaries is not a lack of love; it is the way to protect the relationship in the long run.
Talk openly with your family. Saying "Being here is not easy for me either, I miss you very much" can turn silent guilt into mutual understanding. Sometimes families do not know that their children are carrying this burden.
Approach yourself with compassion. What would you say to your closest friend in the same situation? Probably you would not blame them but try to understand. Showing yourself the same compassion is a skill that can be learned.
Allow yourself happiness. When guilt arrives while you are living a good moment, notice it and remind yourself: "I deserve to be happy too; my happiness does not mean I do not love my family."
Leaving is not the same as ceasing to love; it is love learning a new language across distance.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Guilt about living abroad is a feeling that comes and goes from time to time for many people. However, support from a professional can be useful in the following situations:
- If the feeling of guilt has continued almost every day and for a long time
- If you cannot enjoy your own life, achievements or relationships
- If you are becoming financially or emotionally exhausted because you cannot say no to your family's demands
- If guilt constantly leads to conflict in your relationships with your partner or children
- If it is accompanied by a sense of worthlessness, hopelessness or deep unhappiness; in that case it may be good to review the signs of depression abroad too
- If you have thoughts of punishing yourself or harming yourself
If you have thoughts of harming yourself, please call the emergency number of the country you are in (112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia). Online therapy is not an emergency service; in cases of serious risk, local emergency services and psychiatric services are essential.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?
Guilt about living abroad is very closely tied to cultural values. Concepts such as "hakkını helal et" (to forgive what is owed to you), "evlat borcu" (a child's debt to their parents) and "ana-baba hakkı" (parents' due) can easily lose their meaning and emotional weight when translated into another language. In therapy conducted in Turkish, instead of explaining these concepts, the focus can go straight to what they mean for you. Mental health services in the country where you live are also a valuable resource; therapy in your mother tongue is an option that can be chosen alongside them or instead of them.
In work done from a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and schema-focused perspective, the following topics can be addressed:
- Recognising the guilt cycle: Which situations trigger guilt, which thoughts enlarge it and which behaviours (overcompensating, avoidance) maintain it are examined.
- Evaluating rules and beliefs: Core beliefs such as "If I think of myself, I am selfish" are noticed and more flexible alternatives are developed.
- Boundary-setting skills: Ways of talking to your family while preserving love but also respecting your own capacity are practised.
- Self-compassion: Exercises are done to develop a more understanding inner voice in place of the self-critical one.
- Values-based living: How values such as commitment to your family and your own growth can be lived together is planned.
Sessions can be planned with the time difference in mind; a quiet room, headphones and a secure connection are enough. For more information, see the page for Turks living abroad.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel guilty for going abroad?
Yes, it is a common feeling experienced by many migrants. It is especially frequent among people from cultures where family ties are strong. What matters is how far this feeling affects your life and what kind of relationship you build with it.
Will the guilt go away if I return to Turkey?
For some people, returning can bring relief, but the source of guilt often lies in rigid inner rules. If those rules do not change, guilt about other matters can be felt after returning too. It is important to make the decision to return by weighing all the circumstances, not only guilt.
Would I be a bad son or daughter if I do not send money to my family?
No. Financial support is meaningful help for many families, but it is not the only measure of love and commitment. Setting a realistic budget while protecting your own economic balance is better in the long run for both you and your family.
What is the difference between guilt and responsibility?
Responsibility lets you notice what you can do and take action. Guilt often focuses on what you cannot do and can paralyse you. A healthy outlook means taking on your responsibilities without punishing yourself for things beyond your control.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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