Marriage Problems Abroad and Couples Therapy: Holding On Together

Marriage abroad puts the stress of migration on two people. Learn about common problems, their causes and practical steps to strengthen your relationship.

When you were in Turkey and had an argument, your mother would step in, you would pour your heart out to a friend, or you would go to another city for a few days to clear your head. Now you are in a foreign country, in the same home, with almost no one but each other. Your partner is your spouse, your closest friend, your only supporter and, sometimes, your only person to argue with. Marriage abroad means all the stress of migration being loaded onto the shoulders of two people. For this reason, many couples run into problems in their relationship after moving overseas that they never had before. In this article we look at the particular challenges of marriage abroad, the dynamics behind common problems, relationships with children and the extended family, concrete steps you can take at home, and how couples therapy can help in this process.

Why Can Marriage Abroad Be More Challenging?

Migration is a major test for a marriage. A new country, a new language, a new job, new bureaucracy and a new social circle... When all of these are lived through at the same time, the couple's relationship becomes at once the most important support and the place where stress is released.

The main factors that make marriages abroad harder are these:

• Loss of the support network: In Turkey, a broad network of family, relatives and friends spreads the load on the couple. Abroad, this network often does not exist; all emotional needs are expected to be met by the partner.
• Different speeds of adjustment: While one partner adapts faster thanks to work, school or language skills, the other may be left alone at home. This difference can create a distance between partners.
• A shift in the balance of power: The partner who speaks the language, works or holds the residence permit may unintentionally move into a stronger position in the relationship. The other partner may feel dependent and worthless.
• Role changes: A partner who worked in Turkey but cannot find a job abroad has to reorganise roles and identities within the home.
• Financial pressure: The first years in a new country are often financially hard. Worries about money can be a frequent source of arguments.

If you are curious about the effects of migration on couple relationships in a broader framework, you can also look at our article on migration and the couple relationship.

Common Signs of Marriage Problems Abroad

Every couple argues from time to time; this does not mean the relationship is unhealthy. But if the following signs continue for a long time, it can be useful to look at the relationship more closely.

Breakdown in communication

• The same topics turning into fights again and again
• Conversations being limited to the children, bills and daily chores
• Silent treatments lasting a long time, silence becoming a means of punishment
• An increase in sentences containing criticism, contempt or mockery

Emotional distance

• Not enjoying spending time together
• Telling your problems not to your partner but to family or friends in Turkey
• Feeling like "two strangers in the same house"
• A marked decrease in physical closeness

Resentment and blame

• Frequent use of sentences like "We came here because of you" or "I gave up everything for you"
• The decision to migrate being a constant subject of argument
• One partner constantly feeling self-sacrificing and the other constantly feeling guilty

Cultural Dynamics Behind Marriage Problems Abroad

"What will people say" and secrecy: In Turkish society, taking marital problems outside the family is often considered "shameful". Abroad, this secrecy can grow even stronger, because in small Turkish communities "everyone knows everyone" and fear of gossip can make it harder to look for help. Couples may become isolated while trying to solve their problems on their own.

Distant relationships with the extended family: Families in Turkey continue to be involved in the lives of couples abroad through phone calls, video calls or long visits. Stays lasting months in the summer, and suggestions or criticism from the family, can make it harder for the couple to set their own boundaries.

Generations and values: Especially among second- and third-generation Turks, one partner may be closer to the values of the country they live in while the other upholds a more traditional family structure. This difference can become pronounced on matters such as sharing housework, the woman working, raising children and social life.

Migration through marriage: In some marriages, one partner comes from Turkey through marriage. While adapting to a new country, a new language and a new family all at once, this partner may experience intense loneliness and a feeling of dependence. If their residence status in the country they live in is tied to the marriage, this can make the balance of power in the relationship even more delicate.

Loneliness abroad: One partner's loneliness often shows up in the relationship as a "demand": "Spend more time with me", "Why do you always stay at work?" The other partner may perceive these demands as pressure and withdraw further. In this way a "pursuer and distancer" cycle forms.

Say a woman who has moved to Germany because of her husband's job, and who was a teacher in Turkey, now spends her days at home between language classes and housework. Her husband comes home tired in the evenings and wants to stay quiet. The woman wants to share what she has stored up during the day; her husband hears it as "complaining again". A similar tension plays out every evening. Both sides in fact need the same thing: to be understood and to feel they are not alone. But this need gets lost under the noise of the fight.

The Effect of Marriage Problems Abroad on Children and Family

Tension between a couple directly affects the children too. Abroad, children often have no relatives such as grandparents, aunts or uncles to turn to apart from their parents. For this reason, conflict between parents can take up a larger place in the child's emotional world.

• Emotional insecurity: Children who witness frequent fights may show anxiety, sleep problems, difficulty concentrating at school or withdrawal.
• Child interpreters: Children growing up abroad often speak the local language better than their parents. Children who act as interpreters in bureaucratic matters can also be drawn unintentionally into their parents' problems.
• Pressure to take sides: One parent complaining to the child about the other traps the child between two people they love.

It is important that your children are supported emotionally during this process. To keep parental conflict from spilling onto the child, take care not to argue in front of the children, not to force them to take sides, and to give the message "this is not your fault" clearly.

Concrete Steps to Strengthen a Marriage Abroad

1. Talk about the decision to migrate again, but without blame. In a calm moment, talk together about the questions "Why did we come here, how do we feel now, what do we need?" The aim is not to find out who is right but to understand the present situation together.
2. Set a weekly "couple hour". At least once a week, set aside time that belongs only to the two of you, away from the children, phones and daily chores. This could be a walk, a coffee or a quiet evening at home.
3. Let each partner have their own social circle. Expecting all emotional needs to be met by the partner puts a huge load on the relationship. Both partners having friends, hobbies and spaces of their own eases the relationship.
4. Review the balance of power together. If one partner is entirely dependent on the other for money, bureaucracy, decisions and social life, plan steps that support independence: a language course, a driving licence, a job application, their own bank account.
5. Speak in "I" language. Sentences such as "I felt very lonely today, I need to talk a bit", instead of "You never listen to me", reduce defensiveness and increase the chance of being understood.
6. Take a break in an argument. When an argument escalates, pause by saying "I'm very tense right now, let's talk again in twenty minutes", and really come back. A break is a means of calming down, not escaping.
7. Set boundaries with the extended family together. Agree between yourselves first on matters such as the length of visits, involvement in family decisions and financial support, and then communicate this decision to the families together.
8. Don't neglect small appreciations. Abroad, tiredness and stress can make you forget to say thank you and show appreciation. Noticing and saying something about a small thing your partner has done during the day can change the emotional climate of the relationship.
9. Plan visits to Turkey together. Spending summer holidays entirely on family visits can remove the couple's own time for rest. Try planning a few days within the visits that belong to the two of you.

Marriage abroad is like two people rowing the same boat through the same storm. Turning towards each other takes you much further than fighting each other.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Every relationship is strained from time to time. But in the following situations it can be useful to consider a couples therapy process:

• If the same topics have been turning into fights unresolved for months
• If communication has almost completely stopped or consists constantly of criticism and contempt
• If there has been infidelity, a loss of trust or a serious rupture
• If one or both partners often think about divorce
• If the children are clearly affected by the conflicts between parents
• If long-lasting low mood, anxiety or hopelessness is observed in one of the partners

If there are behaviours such as physical violence, threats, or financial or emotional control, this is not just a "marriage problem" and safety comes first. In such a case, you should contact local support services in the country where you live, and if there is immediate danger, call the country's emergency number: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. In relationships involving violence, couples therapy is generally not recommended as a first step; individual safety and support must be ensured first. Online therapy is not an emergency response service.

How Is Marriage Abroad Approached in Mother-Tongue Online Couples Therapy?

For Turkish couples living abroad, couples therapy in their mother tongue can offer a space in which they can talk about their relationship and cultural context without having to explain them at length. Understanding the emotional weight carried by concepts like "mother-in-law visits", "elâlem" (what other people will say), "sacrifice" and "gurbet" (life far from home) can make the therapeutic relationship easier. This does not mean that couples therapists in the country where you live are inadequate; it only means that for some couples the mother tongue provides additional comfort.

In a process based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and couples therapy approaches, the following steps can generally be followed:

• Assessment: The couple's relationship history, migration process, current living conditions and problem areas are addressed together. Sometimes the partners may also be seen separately.
• Making the cycle visible: The couple's recurring conflict cycle is identified. For example, once patterns such as "the more one approaches, the more the other withdraws" are noticed, the couple can begin to face the problem as a cycle together rather than as each other.
• Communication skills: Expressing needs without blame, active listening, taking breaks and techniques for calming conflict are practised in sessions and at home.
• Thought patterns: Automatic thoughts such as "He doesn't care about me anyway" and "She doesn't see my sacrifice" are examined and more balanced interpretations are developed.
• Migration-specific issues: Differences in adjustment speed, the balance of power, boundaries with the extended family and decisions such as staying or going back are addressed.

In online couples sessions, it is important that both partners are in the same room, in a quiet and private setting, that a time suited to the time difference is chosen and that a secure connection is used. Payment can be made online; pricing in TL and payment with an international card are possible. For the couples therapy process you can look at couples therapy, and for information aimed at people living abroad, our page on Turks living abroad. For insurance coverage, we recommend that you check the insurance terms in the country where you live.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do marriage problems abroad come from migration, or were they there already?

Both are possible. Migration can bring to light problems that already existed but were hidden, and it can also create new ones. Making this distinction in therapy helps clarify what the couple needs to focus on.

My partner doesn't want to come to couples therapy. What can I do?

Pushing your partner generally does not work. Starting individual therapy to understand your own feelings and your role in the relationship can be an option. Sometimes one partner changing also changes the dynamics of the relationship, and the other partner may in time become willing to join the process.

Can online couples therapy be as effective as face-to-face?

Online couples therapy can be a suitable option, especially for couples living abroad and looking for support in their mother tongue. Effectiveness depends largely on the couple's motivation, the quality of the therapeutic relationship and regular attendance. Providing a quiet and private setting increases the productivity of online sessions.

Does the therapist take sides in couples therapy?

No. The couples therapist's job is not to declare one partner right but to create an environment in which both partners can feel safe and speak. The focus is not on who is to blame but on how the couple can build a better relationship together.

• #marriage abroad
• #marriage problems
• #couples therapy
• #migration and relationships

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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