Migration and marriage explained: role changes, loneliness and conflict in couples who move abroad, plus concrete steps that can strengthen your relationship.
Moving abroad is often one of the biggest decisions a couple makes together. A new job, a better education, a different future for the children, or simply the thought of "let's give it a try over there"... The suitcases are packed together, but in the new country the two partners do not have the same experience. The relationship between migration and marriage is more complicated than many couples expect. Moving strengthens some relationships, while in others it brings to light cracks that had been invisible for years. In this article we look at how migration can affect a couple's relationship, the difficulties that commonly arise, and concrete steps you can take at home. Our aim is not to make migration sound like a threat, but to remind you that the difficulties you are going through can be understood and worked on.
Migration and Marriage: The Same Journey, Different Experiences
A couple boards the same plane but does not land in the same country. This sentence may sound a little exaggerated, but it captures well how migration affects partners. One partner is usually the "reason" for the move: the one who received the job offer, won the scholarship or was sent by their company. The other is often the one who follows. The first partner quickly finds a structure in the new country: colleagues, an office, a daily routine. The second has left behind their job, friends, family and sometimes their professional identity.
This difference is rarely talked about in the first months. Everyone is busy settling in, finding a home and dealing with paperwork. Over time, though, one partner may begin to ask, "What am I doing here?" The other may think, "I have made so many sacrifices, so why aren't you happy?" Both people are right, but they are looking from different places.
The effect of migration on a couple's relationship does not run in just one direction. Some couples lean on each other more in an unfamiliar environment and grow closer as they solve problems together. Others now have to carry on their own the tensions that used to be "carried" for them by the extended family, friends and workplace in Turkey. Someone who used to find relief by talking to their mother, sister or close friend may now try to meet all of their emotional needs through their partner. This places an unexpected burden on the relationship.
Signs That Migration Is Straining Your Relationship
Every couple argues; arguing alone is not a sign of a problem. But if several of the following have continued for a long time since the move, you might consider that your relationship is struggling to carry the weight of migration:
- You argue about the same topics again and again without resolution: money, housework, returning to Turkey, the children's education.
- One partner keeps saying "It's not like I brought you here" or "I'm here because of you."
- Your conversations have shrunk almost entirely to logistics: bills, appointments, school, shopping.
- One of you is increasingly withdrawing, not leaving the house or showing less interest than before.
- Impatience, sarcastic remarks or silent sulking towards each other have increased.
- Sexual and emotional intimacy have clearly decreased.
- Issues about family, especially about parents in Turkey, set you against each other more often than before.
- One of you is unhappy not so much with the relationship as with the country or with life itself, but is directing it at their partner.
These signs do not mean the relationship is over. More often, they show that two people have not yet adapted to the changed circumstances together.
Let's say a couple moved to the Netherlands because of one partner's job offer. The first months passed with excitement. A year later, dinners have gone quiet; one comes home tired from work, the other carries the weight of not having spoken to anyone all day. Both feel lonely, but express it with the sentence "You don't understand me." The problem here is not a decline in love, but two different kinds of loneliness colliding.
Migration does not test a couple's love; it tests their ability to see, listen to and get to know each other again.
Causes of Conflict in Migrant Couples
Changes in Roles and the Balance of Power
A partner who had their own income, profession and social circle in Turkey may, for a while, become financially dependent on their spouse in the new country. Not knowing the language, waiting for the recognition of a diploma or a lengthy work-permit process can deepen this dependence. Feeling as though you are "asking permission" even when spending money can shake self-confidence. The other partner, without realising it, may become worn out by the feeling of "I'm carrying everything." We cover this topic separately in our article on moving abroad to follow a spouse.
Differences in the Pace of Adjustment
One partner likes the new country, learns the language quickly and makes local friends. The other feels homesickness more intensely and sees Turkish food, Turkish television and video calls with family as a refuge. When the pace of adjustment differs, one may see the other as "left behind," and the other may see them as having "forgotten their roots."
The Long-Distance Influence of the Extended Family
In Turkish family structure, the extended family holds an important place. Couples living abroad can feel caught between the expectations of parents in Turkey and their own lives. Issues such as "Whose family will we stay with in the summer?", "Why does your mother call every day?" or "My father has fallen ill, I have to go" can cause serious tension. The ageing of parents and the responsibility of caring for them from a distance is one of the topics couples struggle with most.
Different Plans for the Future
A migration that begins with "We'll stay five years and then go back" can become uncertain over time. One partner may want to stay permanently while the other dreams of returning. The longer this subject is put off without being discussed, the more a big question hides beneath every small argument.
Loneliness and Lack of Social Support
Making friends abroad takes time. When the support network shrinks, partners expect everything from each other: lover, closest friend, confidant and only social circle all at once. No relationship can carry such a heavy load alone for long.
How Migration Reflects on Children and Family Life
Tension between a couple directly affects the children. While they are already trying to adjust to a new school, a new language and new friends, children may also take on the arguments at home. Some children hold themselves responsible for their parents' fights or wonder, "Are they fighting because we came here?"
Children sometimes also slip into the role of "interpreter" between their parents. A child who knows the language better helps the parents in school meetings, doctor appointments or official correspondence. This can place a responsibility on the child beyond their age and can undermine parental authority.
Healthy communication in the couple's relationship, on the other hand, creates a strong model for children. When parents can discuss their disagreements respectfully, it gives a child abroad the message that "Even with difficulties, my family is solid." If you notice a striking change in your children, you can find out about child and play therapy.
What You Can Do on Your Own About Migration and Marriage Problems
Retell Your Moving Story Together
Sit down and talk through these questions together: Why did we come here? What did each of us leave behind? What did each of us gain and lose here? This conversation is not for finding someone to blame, but for seeing each other's experience. There is a big difference between saying "I gave up a lot too" and saying "I can see what you gave up."
Set Aside Weekly "Us" Time
Set a time, apart from logistical conversations, at least once a week when it is just the two of you. It could be a walk, cooking together at home or a short coffee break. Bills, school and paperwork are not discussed in this time.
Express Your Feelings with "I" Statements
Saying "When I'm home alone all day, I feel useless" instead of "You never think about me" lowers the chance of your partner becoming defensive. Turning a complaint into a need makes the conflict solvable.
Let Each of You Have a Separate Support Network
Do not make your partner your only source of support. A language course, volunteering, a sports club, parent groups or Turkish associations can help you build new connections. Regular contact with your friends in Turkey is also important.
Put Big Decisions on a Calendar
Instead of constantly postponing the question "Will we go back, or will we stay?", agree to reassess on a specific date. For example, saying "In six months we will sit down and talk about where we stand again" can reduce the uncertainty seeping into the relationship every day.
Make Money Matters Transparent
Set up a clear arrangement about joint accounts, personal spending allowances and savings. A budget in which the partner without an income also has a say can reduce the tension created by an imbalance of power.
Celebrate Small Successes Together
Life abroad is often experienced like a list of problems. Yet passing a language exam for the first time, making a new friend, getting a residence permit or finding your way in the new city for the first time without getting lost also deserve to be celebrated. Noticing these small moments together can bring back to the relationship the feeling that "We are managing this journey together."
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
In some situations, a couple's own efforts may not be enough. You might consider seeking support from a specialist in the following situations:
- Arguments have been stuck at the same point for weeks and are gradually pulling you apart.
- One partner shows signs of depression, such as prolonged unhappiness, hopelessness, and changes in sleep and appetite.
- One of you is seriously thinking about separating, but you cannot talk about it.
- You observe marked changes in your children's behaviour, sleep or adjustment to school.
- You have experienced infidelity, a loss of trust or a serious crisis.
- There is shouting, threatening, humiliation or physical violence in your arguments.
In cases of physical violence, threats or when your safety is at risk, you first need to secure your own safety. In such a situation, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local support organisations must step in. For thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, likewise turn to local emergency services.
Family counselling centres and couples therapists in the country where you live are also a valuable option. Support in your mother tongue is not a replacement for these, but a path that can be used alongside them or in addition to them.
How Do We Work in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?
Many couples find it hard to describe the most sensitive matters in their relationship in a foreign language. The subtlety of feelings such as anger, resentment, shame or longing is often easier to express in one's mother tongue. Also, not having to explain the cultural context when talking about things like "the issue between me and my mother-in-law" or "whose house we go to at the religious festival" can help sessions focus more quickly. You can find general information on this in our page for Turks abroad, prepared for those living outside Turkey.
In couples therapy, approaches based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy generally include the following steps:
- Assessment: How your relationship was before and after migration, each partner's migration experience and the cycle of conflicts are examined together.
- Recognising the conflict cycle: Repeating patterns such as "They criticise, I withdraw, they criticise more" are made visible.
- Reviewing thoughts: Automatic thoughts such as "They brought me here, so they are responsible for my unhappiness" are worked through together with more balanced perspectives.
- Communication skills: Active listening, "I" statements, taking time-outs and problem-solving skills are practised in sessions and through homework.
- Shared goals: A shared story about the migration and realistic plans for the future are developed.
For online sessions, we recommend a quiet and private room, a secure internet connection and, if possible, headphones. It is important to take the time difference into account and set a time when both partners can attend. Payment can be made online; TL pricing and payment by international card are possible. For matters such as insurance reimbursement, you need to check the insurance conditions in the country where you live. You can find more information about work with couples on the couples therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do migration and marriage problems go away on their own over time?
Some adjustment problems can ease as partners get used to the new country. However, repeating conflict patterns, power imbalances or unspoken resentments usually do not disappear by themselves. Noticing and talking about them early can help prevent problems from deepening.
What can I do if my partner does not want to come to therapy?
It is also possible to begin with individual sessions. Understanding your own feelings and trying out different responses in the relationship can sometimes change the overall atmosphere of the relationship. Rather than pressuring your partner, explaining calmly why you think it is necessary tends to be more helpful.
Is it possible for partners to be in different places in online couples therapy?
It is generally recommended that partners join from the same room. However, for couples living in different cities or countries, sessions with separate connections can also be arranged. This is assessed together in the first session.
Will returning to Turkey fix our relationship?
Returning may reduce some difficulties, but it can also bring new ones. Communication problems that emerged during migration may continue after the return. It is healthier to treat this decision not as an escape from the problems in the relationship, but as a process in which you talk about the needs of both partners.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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