Family pressure is felt from afar too: expectations about marriage, money, returning and values. Learn how to set boundaries without feeling guilty.
Your phone rings, the screen says "Mum", and you feel both warmth and a slight tension. Will this conversation lead once again to "When are you getting married?", "When are you coming back?", "Can you send your brother a bit of money?" or "Bring the children up like us over there"? Living thousands of kilometres away does not mean your family's expectations disappear. Sometimes distance even makes expectations more intense. Family pressure is, for many Turks living abroad, a complex experience intertwined with both love and guilt. In this article we look at the different forms family pressure takes abroad, its effects on mental health, the cultural dynamics behind it, and concrete ways of setting healthy boundaries without severing the relationship.
What Is Family Pressure Abroad and What Does It Look Like?
Family pressure is when a family expects certain decisions, behaviours or ways of living from an individual and expresses this expectation directly or indirectly. Every family holds expectations, and most of these expectations are fed by love and concern. The problem arises when expectations constantly clash with a person's own values, needs and living circumstances and the person feels trapped.
The forms of family pressure that Turks living abroad commonly meet are as follows:
- Marriage and relationships: Expectations such as "You're getting older", "Marry a Turk", "If you marry a foreigner, you'll forget us".
- Pressure to return: Calls such as "When are you coming back?", "We're getting old, be near us".
- Financial expectations: Sending money to the family regularly, taking on siblings' education, buying a house or plot of land in Turkey.
- Values and lifestyle: Expectations about religious practice, clothing, alcohol, circle of friends and social life.
- Raising children: Demands such as the grandchildren speaking Turkish, being raised with certain values and spending summer holidays in Turkey.
- Visits and hospitality: A feeling of having to make long family visits or come to Turkey every year.
These pressures are sometimes voiced openly, and sometimes made felt indirectly through reproach, silence, sulking or "after everything we've done for you".
The Effects of Family Pressure on Mental Health, and Its Signs
Living under constant family pressure can become tiring over time on both an emotional and a physical level. The signs below can help you notice how much the pressure is affecting you.
Emotional signs
- Anxiety before calls with family, and feeling bad for a long time after calls
- Intense guilt: "I left them", "I'm not a good enough child"
- Suppressed anger and resentment
- Constantly doubting your own decisions
Behavioural signs
- Avoiding calls from family, not answering the phone
- Hiding parts of your life from the family (relationships, jobs, habits)
- Making decisions to please the family even though you don't want to
- Intense tension and avoidance before visits to Turkey
Physical signs
- Sleep problems, tension headaches
- Stomach and digestive problems
- A constant feeling of tiredness and exhaustion
These signs on their own do not mean a mental disorder; but if they continue for a long time and affect your quality of life, it may be helpful to look at yourself more closely.
The Cultural Dynamics Behind Family Pressure Abroad
Understanding family pressure requires approaching it without blaming or belittling it. In the Turkish family structure, expectations are often fed by deep values and worries.
Family unity and mutual responsibility: In Turkish culture, the family is at the centre of an individual's identity. Parents put great effort into their children, and in return they may expect their children to be close to them in old age and to carry on the family's values. This expectation can feel like an unwritten contract.
Fear of loss: For parents, a child going abroad also creates a sense of loss. Worries such as "They'll forget us", "Our grandchildren won't know us", "They'll lose our culture" can turn into controlling or pressuring behaviour. Beneath the pressure there is often this fear.
"Elâlem" and reputation: The family's reputation in society can be linked to the children's decisions. Not marrying, divorcing, choosing a different lifestyle or marrying a foreigner can be perceived as something that the family will "have to explain" to those around them (elâlem, "other people").
The Turkish community abroad: The pressure can come not only from the family in Turkey but also from the Turkish community abroad. Especially in countries with long-established Turkish communities, such as Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium and Austria, expectations within the community and the fear of gossip can intensify family pressure.
Being caught between two cultures: For second- and third-generation Turks, family pressure often means being squeezed between two different value systems. Living with the expectations of one culture at home and another at school and work can lead to identity confusion. We cover this subject in detail in our article on identity between two cultures.
Imagine a young woman born in Belgium, a university graduate, who is in a serious relationship with someone who is not Turkish. Her family does not know; at every religious holiday relatives say, "Come on, get married already." On the one hand she does not want to hurt her family; on the other, she is tired of hiding an important part of her life. After every family gathering she feels tense and guilty for days. What this woman is experiencing is being caught between love and autonomy; both needs are real and both are valuable.
The Effect of Family Pressure on Relationships and Children
The couple relationship: Family pressure is a frequent source of tension between couples. The expectations of one partner's family can be perceived by the other partner as interference. Arguments of the "Your family interferes in our lives" kind can intensify especially during long visits to Turkey or when the family comes abroad. When one partner is left as the go-between for their family and their partner, both relationships can be worn down.
Parenting: Grandparents' expectations about how the grandchildren are raised can make it harder for parents to form their own parenting style. The sentence "That's not how we raised you" can create a sense of inadequacy in parents.
Children and teenagers: Children growing up abroad can be caught between the family's expectations and the norms of the society they live in. It is also possible for parents to pass on the family pressure they themselves experienced to their children without realising it. Noticing this cycle is the first step towards building a healthier relationship with children.
Concrete Steps for Coping with Family Pressure
Coping with family pressure does not mean cutting off the relationship with the family. The aim is both to protect the bond of love and to have a say over your own life.
- Distinguish between expectations and your values. Draw two columns on a piece of paper: "My family's expectations of me" and "My values and wishes". Seeing where they overlap and where they diverge makes it clear where you need to set a boundary.
- Try to see the feeling under the pressure. Underneath the question "When are you coming back?" there is often the feeling "I miss you, I'm afraid of growing old". Noticing this feeling can make it easier to respond with compassion instead of anger. But understanding the feeling does not mean you have to meet the expectation.
- Express your boundaries in clear, calm language. Sentences such as "I don't want to talk about this every time we speak. When I've made a decision, I'll be the first to tell you" help you set boundaries that are both respectful and clear.
- Learn to say "no" in small steps. Before big issues, try saying "no" to smaller requests. Remember that you do not have to give long explanations every time.
- Plan financial boundaries. If giving the family financial support is important to you, plan it with a set amount and frequency according to your own budget. Vague and unlimited expectations wear down both you and the relationship.
- Set the pattern of communication yourself. Instead of long calls every day, set a frequency and length that suit you. For example, two video calls a week with short messages in between.
- Question the guilt. When you notice the thought "If I don't please my family, I'm a bad child", ask yourself: "Am I really doing something bad, or am I just making a different choice?"
- Plan visits in advance. For visits to Turkey or when the family comes to you, talk beforehand about the length of the stay, where people will stay and time for yourself.
- Build a circle of support. Friends who have had similar experiences can be an important source of support in coping with family pressure. Knowing you are not alone eases feelings of guilt.
Setting a boundary does not mean you do not love your family. Quite often it is, on the contrary, the way to protect the relationship in the long run.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Tensions in family relationships are something everyone experiences from time to time. However, speaking to a mental health professional can be helpful in the following situations:
- If you experience constant anxiety, guilt or low mood because of family pressure
- If you feel bad for days after every contact with the family
- If you have become unable to make important decisions about your own life
- If family pressure is seriously affecting your couple relationship
- If there have been long-term changes in your sleep, appetite or energy level
- If you feel you constantly have to hide an important part of your life and are very tired by it
If family pressure involves threats, an attempt at forced marriage, physical violence or serious behaviour aimed at controlling you, this is not merely "family tension". The police, local support services and social services in the country where you live can help with this. If there is immediate danger or you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency departments and local psychiatric services are necessary.
How Is Family Pressure Addressed in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?
Family pressure is intertwined with many concepts specific to Turkish culture: hürmet (deference), respect, ayıp (shame, what is "not done"), elâlem, hakkını helal etmek (releasing someone from what they owe you), being a child, being a daughter-in-law... Being able to speak in your mother tongue without having to explain these concepts can make the therapeutic process easier for some people. A therapist who knows the cultural context can also help you strike a balance, without judging the family's values and while taking your own needs into account. This does not mean that therapists in the country where you live are inadequate; it only means that the mother tongue offers some people extra ease.
In a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)-based process, work can be done in the following areas:
- Automatic thoughts: Thoughts such as "If I upset my family I'm a bad person" and "If I don't do what they want, they won't love me" are examined and more balanced alternatives are developed.
- Schemas: Deep belief patterns formed in childhood, such as "self-sacrifice", "approval-seeking" or "defectiveness", are addressed in relation to reactions to family pressure.
- Communication and boundary setting: Preparation is made for difficult conversations with the family and they are practised in sessions.
- Guilt and values: The function of guilt is examined and the person is supported in making decisions in line with their own values.
- Couple and family dynamics: If needed, couple therapy or parenting counselling can be added to the process.
For online sessions, it is important to choose a quiet, private setting where your family or others cannot hear, use headphones, choose a time that suits the time difference and prefer a secure connection. Payment can be made online; pricing in TL and payment by international card are possible. About working online, you can look at online therapy, and for information aimed at those living abroad, the Turks living abroad page. For insurance coverage, we recommend checking the insurance terms in the country where you live.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is setting boundaries with my family disrespectful?
No. Setting boundaries is not disrespect but a way of protecting your own needs and the health of the relationship. Expressing your boundaries in calm, clear and respectful language can strengthen your relationship with your family in the long run.
My family sulks when I don't meet their expectations. What can I do?
Sulking can be the family's way of expressing disappointment. In this case, it can help to keep the door of communication open without giving up your boundary: a message such as "I know you're upset with my decision, I love you and I'm here when you're ready to talk" protects both the boundary and the bond.
I constantly feel guilty because of family pressure. Is this normal?
Guilt is quite common in cultures with strong family ties and especially among those living abroad. But feeling guilty does not mean you have really done something wrong. If this feeling takes up most of your day or determines your decisions, it can be helpful to work on it.
My family does not approve of my having therapy. Should I start anyway?
As an adult, the decision to start therapy is yours, and your sessions are subject to confidentiality. In some families, psychological support can still be misunderstood. Whether or not to share with your family that you have started therapy is also entirely your choice.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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