Why does sibling estrangement happen and how can resentment between adult siblings be repaired? Read about childhood roles, inheritance and caregiving tension.
The brother or sister you shared a room with as a child, built games with, and sometimes fought tooth and nail with: perhaps you haven't spoken to them for months, or even years. Perhaps it was an inheritance matter, perhaps the care of your parents, perhaps a single sentence said at a wedding... Sibling estrangement is a burden that is far more common in adulthood than people think, and it is often carried in silence. Because a sibling relationship is one of the longest-lasting relationships of our lives, the hurts within it leave deep marks. In this article we look at what feeds resentment between adult siblings, how childhood roles affect the relationship today, and what you can do to repair a broken bond or, at the very least, to live without feeling weighed down by it.
The Special Nature of Adult Sibling Relationships
The sibling relationship differs from other relationships in several ways. First, it is an unchosen relationship; you choose your friends, but you do not choose your siblings. Second, it is often a bond that lasts even longer than that with your parents, spanning decades. Third, even though siblings grow up in the same family environment, they have often experienced that environment very differently.
This last point is especially important. It is not surprising for two siblings who grew up in the same house to describe their family very differently. Parents parent each child at a different time, at a different age, in different economic and emotional circumstances. The first child may grow up with young, inexperienced parents, while a later child may grow up with parents who are more tired but more relaxed. For this reason, the sentence "This is what our family was like" may describe a different reality for each sibling.
Why Does Sibling Estrangement Happen?
Most of the resentment between adult siblings is fed not by a single event but by experiences that build up over time. The visible trigger is often only the visible tip of the iceberg.
Parents treating children differently
Studies in psychology show that children's perception that their parents treated them and their siblings differently can affect the quality of the sibling relationship in later years. Feelings such as "They always favoured him", "Much more was always expected of me" and "Her mistakes were overlooked" can stay alive in adulthood. This perceived injustice leads one sibling to feel constantly in second place.
Frozen childhood roles
In many families, children are unwittingly given certain roles: the responsible one, the successful one, the problem one, the peacemaker, the baby of the family. Although people change and grow in adulthood, these roles can stay frozen within the family. A forty-year-old may feel that at family gatherings they are still treated like "the little sibling whose word isn't heard". This produces a feeling that their adult identity is not seen, and leads to anger.
Say you are the eldest of three siblings. As a child, looking after your siblings, helping them with homework and running the house while your parents were at work was your job. Today you are all adults; yet when your father falls ill, everyone's eyes turn to you again. You are both tired and angry: "Why me again?" Your younger siblings, meanwhile, feel that you control everything and leave them no say. In reality, everyone is playing out the same script learned in childhood, and because nobody talks about this script openly, the resentment grows.
Comparison and rivalry
Comparisons such as "Look how well your brother did at school" and "If only you were like your sister" can turn siblings into one another's rivals in childhood. In adulthood this rivalry can continue over career, income, marriage or the achievements of children. Sibling jealousy that could not be managed in childhood can live on in adulthood in different guises.
Inheritance, property and money
One of the most common triggers of sibling estrangement in Turkey is the division of an inheritance. Questions about how a house, a field or a shop will be divided, who deserves more and who put in more effort carry not only material but emotional meaning. Often what is really being argued about is not money but the question, "How valuable were my place and my effort in my family?" In periods when economic hardship is felt strongly, these tensions can sharpen even more.
Caring for ageing parents
Caring for an ageing or ill parent can turn into a serious question of how the burden is shared between siblings. Usually the sibling who lives near the parent, or who is a daughter, takes on most of the care while the others stay at a distance. The sibling who gives the care may feel burnout and anger at being "left alone", while the others may feel guilt or resentment that "decisions are made without asking us". We discuss this subject in more detail in our article on the sandwich generation.
Spouses and new families
When one sibling marries, a new person joins the family and the family's balance shifts. Tensions between a daughter-in-law, a son-in-law or the families of spouses can also come between siblings. One sibling may feel caught between protecting their spouse and staying loyal to their family.
Major life events
Migration, moving abroad, serious illness, bankruptcy or major losses such as the 6 February 2023 earthquakes sometimes bring siblings closer and sometimes push them apart. In moments of crisis, who stood by you and who disappeared is remembered for a long time. The feeling of "They weren't there on my hardest day" can be the starting point of an estrangement that lasts for years.
The Psychological Effects of Sibling Estrangement
Many people who are estranged from a sibling say "I don't care any more", but often carry a deep grief. Sibling estrangement can bring the following feelings:
- Loss and grief: The absence of a sibling who is alive but unreachable creates an ambiguous sense of loss.
- Guilt: Thoughts such as "Maybe I was at fault too" and "My mother would be so upset if she saw this".
- Anger: A feeling of having been wronged and a search for justice.
- Pain that intensifies at religious holidays and special days: Family gatherings such as holidays, weddings and funerals make the estrangement more visible and more painful.
- A burden on parents and children: The estrangement can leave parents caught in the middle; siblings' children may also grow up distant from their cousins.
- Doubts about oneself: The question "If I can't get along even with my own sibling, what kind of person am I?" can also shake a person's self-confidence and trust in their other relationships.
Making peace with your sibling may not always be possible; but making peace with the resentment inside you is often in your hands.
How Can Resentment Between Siblings Be Repaired? Step by Step
The process of repair proceeds differently in every relationship. The steps below can be a guide both when you are ready to reconcile and when you first want to clarify your own feelings.
1. Draw a map of resentments
On a sheet of paper, write down in chronological order the events in your relationship with your sibling that hurt you most. Next to each event, note what you felt at that moment and what the event meant to you. For example: "I was left alone in the hospital during my father's operation: I felt abandoned and that my effort wasn't seen." This map lets you see the real need underneath your anger (to be seen, to be treated fairly, respect).
2. Imagine your sibling's point of view
Try writing the same events from your sibling's eyes. What was going on in their life at that time? Why might they have behaved that way? What might they have been hurt by? This exercise is not to prove them right, but to see that events do not have a single truth. Often siblings have lived through different chapters of the same story.
3. Notice the roles
What was your role in childhood? Are you still playing that role in the family today? What role was assigned to your sibling? For example, the "responsible older sister" still taking everything on alone today and then getting angry, or the sibling seen as "the baby of the family" being left on the sidelines because they were never given any responsibility, can be a cycle both sides keep going unintentionally. Noticing the role is the first step in stepping out of it.
4. Make a small, safe first contact
After a long estrangement, it is easier to take the first step with a small, non-threatening contact than with a big conversation to settle accounts. A holiday message, a short greeting on a birthday or a sentence such as "I thought of you, how are you?" can open the door. Even if the other person does not reply straight away, this step is meaningful for you.
5. Prepare for the conversation
When the chance for a face-to-face conversation arises, do not try to settle the whole account of the past at once. Focus on one or two important matters. Instead of blaming, describe your own experience: "When I took on my mother's care alone, I felt very lonely. I would like to be able to talk about this." Try to listen to what your sibling says without becoming defensive. When the conversation gets stuck, taking a break and continuing later is also an option. You can find suggestions for communication within the family in our article on family conflict.
6. Separate practical matters from emotional ones
On issues such as inheritance or care, trying to resolve practical decisions and emotional hurts in the same conversation often makes things harder. Making written plans for practical matters and, if necessary, getting help from a lawyer or an impartial family elder can create room for emotional conversations. On the matter of care, for example, putting in writing when each sibling will take on which task (hospital appointments, financial contribution, weekend visits) reduces arguments about "Who is doing what?"
7. Keep your expectations realistic
Repair does not always mean returning to the closeness of childhood. Sometimes it is an important gain if siblings can meet respectfully a few times a year and get through religious holidays without tension. In some situations, if the relationship keeps harming the person, keeping a distance can be a healthy choice.
8. Make peace with yourself, even if there is no reconciliation
Your sibling may not be ready to reconcile. Even then, you can create a closure in your own inner world: writing a letter you will not send, grieving the loss you have experienced, accepting that you can carry your anger and your longing at the same time. We discuss how forgiveness is not an obligation but a decision you can make at your own pace in our article on forgiving.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Experiencing sibling estrangement is not on its own a sign of a psychological problem. However, getting support from a specialist can be useful in the following situations:
- If thoughts about the estrangement constantly occupy your mind and affect your sleep or daily life,
- If anger towards your sibling has begun to spill over into your other relationships,
- If the care of a parent or the inheritance process has brought you to the point of emotional exhaustion,
- If tension with siblings after the loss of a parent is making the grieving process harder,
- If you feel that your childhood experiences still affect you deeply today.
These signs do not mean a diagnosis; but they show that sharing this burden with a specialist may help.
How Are Resentments Between Siblings Addressed in Therapy?
In individual therapy, first of all the person's story of their sibling relationship, their resentments and the needs underlying those resentments are explored together. Within the framework of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), generalising thoughts such as "I'm always the one who sacrifices" and "My family never loved me" are examined, and events are assessed in a more balanced way. Role-play can be used to prepare for difficult conversations.
The schema therapy approach focuses on how childhood family experiences are reflected in present relationships. For example, a person with a strong "self-sacrifice" schema constantly takes on responsibility for their siblings but, unable to voice their needs, may build up anger inside. A person with an "emotional deprivation" schema, on the other hand, may have experienced the attention shown to a sibling as love withheld from themselves. Becoming aware of these patterns helps the person rebuild their relationship with their sibling from a more adult place.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it too late to reconcile with a sibling I've been estranged from for years?
Often it is not too late. Siblings are seen to rebuild their bond even after long estrangements. However, this process requires patience and small steps; it is also important that the other person is ready.
Should I reconcile with my sibling without an apology?
This is entirely your decision. For some people an apology is a precondition for repair; others prefer to rebuild the relationship without waiting for one. What matters is that you decide without ignoring your own boundaries and needs.
What can I do if our parents take sides between the siblings?
You can try talking to your parents about this at a calm time, without blaming. Also, trying to build your relationship with your sibling directly, not through your parents, reduces triangulation and makes the relationship healthier.
Is keeping a distance from my sibling selfish?
No. If your sibling constantly harms you, violates your boundaries or belittles you, keeping a distance can be a healthy way of protecting yourself. Distance does not always mean a definitive break; it can also make room for the relationship to continue in a safer way.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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