How to Forgive: Who Is It For? The Psychology of Forgiveness

Does forgiving mean forgetting or making peace? Read what forgiveness is and is not, how to forgive yourself, and practical step-by-step methods.

"Forgive and let it go; the greatness stays with you." "Don't hold a grudge, you'll only hurt yourself." Many of us have heard these sentences. But when we have been deeply hurt, betrayed or treated unjustly, learning how to forgive is not an easy decision; at times it can even make us feel wounded a second time. Is forgiving an obligation? Can we forgive without the other person apologising? Does forgiving mean building a relationship with that person again? In this article we look at how forgiveness is defined in psychology, what it is and what it is not, who forgiving benefits and how, and the steps you can take at your own pace.

What Is Forgiveness?

In psychology, forgiveness is generally defined as a person who has been wronged voluntarily reducing, over time, their anger, resentment and wish for revenge towards the person who harmed them, and being able to replace these with more neutral, and sometimes even kindly, feelings. The most important word in this definition is "voluntarily". Forgiveness is not something that can be imposed from outside; it is the result of a person's own inner process.

A distinction often made in the field separates two kinds of forgiveness:

• Decisional forgiveness: The person consciously decides not to pursue revenge and not to harm the other side. It means saying, "I won't do harm to them, I won't keep this score going."
• Emotional forgiveness: Negative emotions such as anger and resentment soften over time and give way to calmer feelings.

These two may not happen at the same time. A person can decide to forgive, yet their anger may last for months. This is not a failure but a natural part of the process.

What forgiveness is not

One of the biggest obstacles to forgiving is confusing it with other concepts. Clarifying these distinctions lets many people think about the process more easily.

• Forgiving is not forgetting. You go on remembering what happened; but the memory no longer wounds you with the same intensity each time.
• Forgiving is not excusing. You do not have to say "It doesn't matter" or "These things happen". You can forgive while still acknowledging that what happened was wrong.
• Forgiving is not reconciling. Forgiveness is an inner process, whereas reconciliation is two people re-establishing the relationship. You can forgive a person and choose never to see them again. Keeping your distance is a healthy choice, particularly in relationships involving violence, abuse or repeated breaches of trust.
• Forgiving is not giving up on justice. Forgiving a person does not prevent you from seeking your legal rights or from holding someone accountable.
• Forgiving is not weakness. On the contrary, it takes the courage to look at your own feelings and work on them.

Forgiving is less a gift you give to the other person than a decision to free yourself from the endless replay of the past.

Why Is Forgiving So Hard?

The difficulty of forgiving is often proportional to the size of the harm done. But beyond that, some psychological mechanisms also make the process harder.

The protective function of anger

Anger is an emotion that tells us a boundary has been violated and moves us to protect ourselves. Some people fear that if they let go of their anger, they will be hurt again. The thought "If I forgive, they'll do the same thing again" leads them to hold on to anger like a shield.

Rumination

Replaying what happened in the mind again and again, rehearsing in your head what needed to be said, having imaginary arguments with the other person... This mental loop is called rumination. Rumination keeps the resentment alive, and each repetition is like living through the events again. Research shows that long-term rumination is associated with feelings of anxiety and low mood.

The need for justice

The sense of justice is very strong in human beings. When the other side does not admit their mistake, does not apologise or pays no price at all, forgiving can feel like "approving an injustice".

Cultural and social pressure

In Turkey, expressions such as "hakkını helal et" (to release someone from what they owe you), "a quarrel shouldn't last more than three days" and "let the greatness stay with you" put forgiveness forward as a virtue. Although these values have meaningful sides, they can sometimes push a person to forgive before they are ready. When resentment is not allowed to be talked about in the family because "No matter what, they are your father, your mother, your sibling", feelings can be suppressed. Early and forced forgiveness often causes anger to turn inward or to appear in other ways.

Collective wounds and forgiveness

Some resentments are not personal but collective. Many people who lost loved ones or their homes in the 6 February 2023 earthquakes carry deep anger towards the negligence behind the destruction and those responsible. In such cases, the expectation of forgiveness can be perceived as sending the message that the person must accept the injustice. What matters here is to acknowledge that the anger is legitimate and to separate the search for justice from the process of forgiveness. A person can ask for accountability through legal channels while also working to make sure anger does not take over their own body and mind. These two things are not contradictory.

Who Is Forgiveness For? The Psychological Effects of Forgiving

The answer to the question of who forgiveness benefits most is usually surprising: the person who forgives. Studies in psychology show that the decrease in resentment and anger that comes with the process of forgiving can be associated with lower stress levels, improved mood and greater peace in relationships.

However, a warning is needed here: the benefits of forgiveness relate to a person forgiving of their own accord and when they are ready. Forgiveness done under force or pressure does not provide these benefits. Also, in some situations, for example in an ongoing abusive relationship, pressure to forgive can prevent the person from protecting themselves. For this reason, forgiving is not always, or for everyone, a priority goal; safety and healing come first.

In deep breaches of trust such as infidelity, the process of forgiving can be more complicated. We have covered what follows this experience in detail in our article on life after infidelity.

A Step-by-Step Roadmap to Forgiveness

The steps below are adapted from approaches used in psychological work on forgiveness. You do not have to follow these steps in order; you may stay in some for a long time, and return to others.

1. Name the wound

The process of forgiving begins not by minimising what happened but by fully acknowledging it. Write down the answers to these questions on a piece of paper: "What happened? What did this event cost me? What emotions did I feel and do I still feel?" Naming emotions such as anger, sadness, shame and disappointment makes them more manageable.

2. Notice the cost

Think about what carrying the resentment costs you. How are your sleep, appetite, other relationships and productivity at work affected by this situation? This question is asked not to push you to forgive but to see the place the resentment holds in your life. Sometimes this realisation becomes a source of motivation for change.

3. Set a limit for rumination

Instead of keeping company with the thoughts that come to your mind throughout the day, set aside a 15-minute "thinking time" once a day for them. When a thought comes during the day, tell yourself, "I'll think about this at 7 pm," and turn your attention back to what you were doing. At the set time, put your thoughts down in writing. Over time you may notice these thoughts coming less intensely and less often.

4. Try to see the other person's humanity

This step is the hardest, and you can skip it if you are not ready. Without justifying the other person's behaviour, try to think about why they might have behaved that way. What were they going through at the time? What fears, wounds or limitations might have led them to this behaviour? The aim is not to excuse them but to be able to see them not only as a "bad person" but as a complex human being who can make mistakes. Imagine that years ago your father often criticised you in front of others. Today you might think that he too received similar harshness from his own father and never learned to express his feelings. This thought does not erase the pain you experienced; but it can make room for a little understanding to settle alongside the anger.

5. Write a letter you won't send

Write a letter to the person that you will not send. In the letter, express what you went through, how it affected you, what you expected, and what you want now from them, from yourself and from this experience. If you like, you can end the letter with a sentence such as "I won't forget what you did to me, but I choose not to go on carrying this resentment." You can keep the letter, tear it up, or read it again after a few weeks and see how your feelings have changed.

6. Make your decision concrete

When you feel ready to forgive, you can make this decision concrete with a small ritual of your own: writing a short declaration, throwing a stone into the sea, sharing the decision with someone you trust. When the resentment comes back, and it probably will, remembering this ritual strengthens the decision you made again.

7. Keep forgiving

Forgiving is not a one-off event but a process. When the old resentment is revived by a trigger, instead of thinking, "So I wasn't able to forgive after all," try saying, "This wound is still sensitive, and I can approach it with compassion."

Forgiving Yourself: Perhaps the Hardest of All

Sometimes the person who needs to be forgiven is the one we see in the mirror. When we have made a mistake, hurt someone we love, or thought "I could have done more" after a loss, we can be a merciless judge towards ourselves.

A healthy process of self-forgiveness does not mean ignoring the mistake; it includes the following steps:

• Taking responsibility: Being able to say, "Yes, this was my mistake."
• Feeling remorse: Emotionally acknowledging the harm the mistake caused without denying it.
• Making amends: If possible, apologising to the person you harmed and trying to make up for it.
• Renewing yourself: Learning from this experience, trying not to repeat a similar mistake and developing a more compassionate attitude towards yourself.

Self-blame is particularly common in the grieving process. We cover this subject in detail in our article on grief and guilt.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

The process of forgiving moves differently for everyone, and not every resentment requires therapy. However, it can be helpful to seek support from a specialist in the following situations:

• If thoughts about something that happened to you have been occupying your mind for months and affecting your daily life,
• If your anger or resentment spills over into your other relationships,
• If you have experienced a traumatic event, abuse or violence,
• If you constantly blame yourself for a mistake and feel worthless,
• If the "just forgive already" pressure from those around you leaves you feeling helpless,
• If you are having thoughts of harming yourself. In that case, call 112 (emergency services) without delay.

These signs on their own do not amount to a diagnosis; but they show that sharing this burden with a specialist may help.

How Is the Process of Forgiving Addressed in Therapy?

In therapy, the priority is not to steer you towards forgiving but to make sense of what you have been through and what you feel in a safe setting. The therapist does not impose forgiveness as a goal; they know that this decision belongs entirely to you.

In the course of individual therapy, the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) approach addresses the thought patterns that feed rumination ("I'll never get over this", "They did it on purpose and should pay for it") and helps develop more balanced perspectives. Skills for coping with anger and resentment are worked on through concrete exercises.

The schema therapy approach, on the other hand, focuses on understanding why a person reacts so intensely to their resentments. For example, for someone with a strong "mistrust/abuse" schema, a breach of trust can also revive older wounds from childhood. Seeing this connection makes it possible to build a more compassionate relationship both with today's resentment and with the past. In the process of self-forgiveness, the work centres on noticing the harsh, punishing inner voice and developing a more understanding inner voice in its place.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it possible to forgive someone who does not apologise?

Yes. Because forgiveness is an inner process, it does not depend on the other person apologising. An apology can make the process easier but it is not a necessary condition. Some people may never apologise; forgiving ensures that your healing does not depend on their behaviour.

If I forgive, do I have to see that person again?

No. Forgiving and reconciling are different things. You can forgive a person and choose to end or limit your relationship with them. Keeping your distance is a healthy decision, particularly where your safety is threatened.

How long does forgiving take?

There is no set time. Depending on the size of the harm, the importance of the relationship and the person's own processes, it can take weeks, months or years. What matters is that you move at your own pace without forcing yourself.

What if I can never forgive?

Not everything needs to be forgiven. For some experiences, acceptance, finding meaning or giving your life a new direction may be a more suitable goal than forgiving. What matters is that you can go on living without letting the resentment run your life.

• #resentment
• #anger
• #self-forgiveness
• #relationships

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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