What are the signs of sibling jealousy, and what should you do before and after a new baby arrives? Age-specific practical tips and when to seek support.
A new baby joining your family is a great joy; but for the older child, this change can mean a time when their world is shaken. The child who was at the centre of all the attention yesterday sees another baby in their mother's arms today and notices that everyone in the house revolves around that tiny being. Sibling jealousy is an entirely natural reaction to this new situation, and it is a way for the child to express their fear of losing love. The feeling of jealousy is not a problem in itself; what matters is how that feeling is met. In this article we look at the preparations you can make before the baby arrives, the older child's needs after the birth, practical suggestions by age, and the situations in which support from a specialist would help.
What Is Sibling Jealousy?
Jealousy is a complex feeling that arises from the worry of losing a relationship we love, or of our place in it shrinking. For a young child, mum and dad are the source of safety, love and attention. A new sibling means that this source will be shared. Because the child cannot put this into words, they show their feelings through behaviour.
For adults, an analogy is often made: imagine your partner one day comes home with a new partner and says, "I'll love them at least as much as I love you, and you two will be great friends." Although the analogy looks a little exaggerated, it can help us understand the mixed feelings the older child is going through.
Jealousy can be experienced together with anger, sadness, fear, curiosity and love. A child may kiss and stroke the baby in the morning and a few hours later say, "Take it back to the hospital." These contradictory feelings are entirely ordinary.
What Are the Signs of Sibling Jealousy?
Jealousy looks different in every child. Common signs are:
- Regressive behaviour: A child who has finished toilet training wetting themselves again, asking for a bottle or dummy, talking like a baby, acting as though they cannot feed themselves
- Intense attention seeking: Constantly trying to get attention or misbehaving while the baby is being fed or put to sleep
- Anger and aggression: Touching the baby roughly, pushing, pinching, or showing anger towards the parents
- More tantrums: Intense crying and shouting over even small disappointments
- Withdrawal: Seeming quieter, subdued or unhappy
- Physical complaints: Stomach ache, loss of appetite, sleep problems
- Verbal expressions: "I don't like it", "You don't love me any more", "I wish it had never come"
- Difficulty separating from the parent: Not wanting to go to nursery or school
For more information on regressive behaviour and tantrums, see our articles on tantrums in children and bedwetting.
How it looks by age
Ages 1.5 to 3: Because children this age find it hard to express feelings in words, jealousy is seen more in physical and behavioural reactions: hitting the baby, climbing into the parent's lap, crying, regression.
Ages 3 to 6: The child can express their feelings in part. Questions like "When is the baby going away?", getting angry at the baby in pretend play, and competing for the parent's attention are common.
Age 6 and over: School-age children may show jealousy in more hidden ways. A sense of unfairness comes to the fore: "You let him do everything, you're always cross with me." Some children, on the other hand, may hold too tightly to the role of "big sister" or "big brother" and suppress their feelings.
What Causes Sibling Jealousy?
At the root of jealousy there are usually the following needs and fears:
Sharing attention and time: The new baby takes up most of the parents' time and energy. The older child feels this change deeply.
Changing routines: Familiar routines such as bedtime, playtime and trips to the park can be disrupted. Some families start the child at nursery, change their room or begin toilet training at the same time, which adds to the load.
Comparison: Sentences like "Look how well behaved your brother is, be like that" or "You never slept like this when you were a baby" feed rivalry.
Parental attitudes: Suddenly expecting the older child to behave maturely with a "you're a big boy now" attitude can overlook the fact that they are still a small child.
The attitude of those around: In Turkey, within extended family and neighbourly relationships, visitors ignoring the older child and going straight to the baby, gifts being brought only for the baby, or jokes like "You've lost your throne now" can intensify the child's feelings.
Temperament and age gap: The child's inborn temperament and the age gap between siblings can also affect the intensity of the reaction. But no age gap guarantees that there will be no jealousy at all.
The effect on family life
Say a four-year-old, a few weeks after their sibling is born, starts throwing their toys on the floor and shouting at every feeding time. The tired mother often snaps, "Again?"; the child learns that they have won attention, even if by negative means. In such a cycle, as sibling jealousy grows the parent's patience shrinks, and as patience shrinks the child's insecurity grows. The way to break this cycle is to respond to negative behaviour as calmly and briefly as possible and to notice the child more often in positive moments. For example, during feeding, suggesting that the older child sit next to you and look at a book, and talking with them while you do so, can turn that moment from competition into shared time.
What Can Be Done Before the Baby Arrives?
Give the news in a way that suits their age
- Because young children do not fully grasp the concept of time, it may be better to give the news later in the pregnancy. Link the baby's arrival to concrete events such as "when winter comes" or "after your birthday".
- Describe realistically what babies are like, how much they sleep, that they cry and that they cannot be playmates straight away.
- Read picture books on the theme of siblings and look together at the child's own baby photographs.
Spread big changes over time
If changes such as moving their room, starting nursery, giving their bed to the baby or toilet training are needed, try to complete them a few months before the birth, or put them off until after the birth once the child has settled. That way the child does not connect the changes with the baby's arrival.
Involve the child in preparations
Involve the child in activities such as choosing the baby's clothes, preparing the baby's room or buying a small gift for the baby. This gives them the message "You are an important part of this family".
Plan the hospital period
Decide beforehand who the child will stay with during the birth and talk to them about it. If possible, experiencing short separations with this person beforehand supports the child's sense of security. Making short phone or video calls while you are in hospital helps the child stay connected when they miss you.
After the Baby Arrives: Step-by-Step Suggestions
1. Plan the first meeting with care
When the older child comes to the hospital or home, if possible greet them when the baby is not in your arms; hug them first. Giving a gift "from the baby, for you" can soften the first meeting.
2. Set aside special time every day
Set aside 10 to 20 minutes during the day to spend alone with the older child. Put the phone to one side and let the child choose the play. Calling this time by a name such as "our time" lets the child look forward to this meeting and feel secure in it. This child-led playtime is one of the simplest and most effective ways to strengthen the relationship.
3. Make room for their feelings
Instead of saying "You must love your brother", accept their feelings: "Sometimes you get cross with the baby because Mummy spends a lot of time with them. That's very understandable." When the child feels their feeling is accepted, the need to express it through behaviour may lessen. Separate the feeling from the behaviour: feeling angry is acceptable; hitting the baby is not.
4. Set safe limits
Be calm and firm over behaviour that could hurt the baby: "I can't let you hit the baby. If you're angry you can hit this cushion or tell me how you feel." Not leaving young children alone with the baby matters both for the baby's safety and so that the older child does not experience guilt.
5. Approach regression with patience
When the older child wants to act like a baby, meeting this need now and then within play often helps the regression pass faster: "Would you like to be my baby today? Let me rock you in my arms a little." Scolding or mocking the regression may prolong it.
6. Judge the dose of asking for help
Small jobs such as fetching a nappy or singing to the baby can help the older child feel valued. But these jobs should be invitations, not obligations. Piling on too much responsibility, such as "You're the big one, you must look after them", can increase resentment.
7. Avoid comparing
Comparing siblings, whether favourably or unfavourably, feeds rivalry. Notice and name each child's own qualities separately.
8. Inform those around you
You can ask visiting relatives to show interest in the older child first. Having small gifts ready at home for the older child can help when guests bring presents only for the baby.
9. Share duties between parents
During the period when baby care is intensive, one parent spending more time with the older child helps the child feel they are not being deprived of attention. The mother's emotional load may also rise after the birth; our article on postnatal depression may give you some ideas on this.
10. Avoid being the referee between growing siblings
When the baby grows and begins to crawl and reach for toys, sibling jealousy can take a new form: fights over toys, "He started it" arguments and constant complaints. In this period, rather than deciding who is right in every conflict, leave room for the children to find a solution between themselves unless there is a safety problem. Questions such as "You both want to play with this toy. What solution can you find?" support problem-solving skills. Allowing the older child to keep some of their toys as "theirs alone" also strengthens their sense of fairness.
The aim is not to remove sibling jealousy entirely, but to accompany the child as they cope with this feeling while feeling safe.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
In most children, jealousy tends to soften within a few months. In the following situations it may help to consult a mental health professional who works with children:
- If aggressive behaviour towards the baby is frequent and intense, or the baby's safety is at risk
- If regressive behaviour goes on for months and keeps increasing
- If the child is clearly unhappy, withdrawn or constantly angry
- If sleep, appetite, or adjustment to school or nursery is seriously affected
- If you as parents feel helpless and exhausted
How Is Sibling Jealousy Approached in Therapy?
The process usually begins with sessions with the parents. The structure of the family, the routines that have changed with the baby's arrival, the reactions the child shows and the methods tried so far are assessed.
Play therapy: Young children express their complex feelings towards a sibling through play. In child-centred play therapy, the child can express feelings such as anger, jealousy and fear of loss in a safe setting without being judged, and gain a sense of control over these feelings. For detailed information you can look at the child and play therapy page.
Parent guidance: Work is done with the parents on putting special time into practice, ways of communicating that make room for feelings, and ways of setting consistent limits. The parents' own feelings of guilt and tiredness can also be addressed in these sessions.
With school-age children: The cognitive behavioural approach can be used to work on skills in recognising and expressing feelings, thoughts about a sense of unfairness, and problem-solving in conflicts with a sibling.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does sibling jealousy last?
This depends on the child's age, temperament and the family's attitude. In many children intense reactions lessen within a few months. However, jealousy can become noticeable again when the baby begins to crawl and touch toys, or at new developmental stages.
What should I do if the older child tries to hurt the baby?
Stop the behaviour calmly but firmly, make the baby safe and show the older child other ways to express their feeling. Do not leave the baby alone with the young child. If the aggression is frequent and intense, seeking support from a specialist is recommended.
Will giving a jealous child more attention spoil them?
Meeting emotional needs does not mean spoiling. Regular, predictable special time can reduce the child's need to seek attention through negative behaviour. What matters is that attention is given without loosening the limits.
Does the age gap between siblings affect jealousy?
The age gap can affect how jealousy shows itself; but no age gap means jealousy will not be experienced at all. Taking care of the particular needs of each age group matters more than the age gap.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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