Why do temper tantrums happen in children and when are they normal? Find ways to stay calm during a meltdown and the signs that call for professional support.
A child lying on the supermarket floor screaming, kicking because they don't want to leave the playground, or slamming doors at the smallest "no" can leave parents both exhausted and helpless. Temper tantrums in children are quite common at certain stages of development; but how often they happen, how intense they are and how they change with age all matter. In this article we look at why tantrums happen, when they count as a normal part of development, what you can do in the middle of a meltdown and when it helps to seek support from a specialist.
What Are Temper Tantrums in Children?
A tantrum is the whole of behaviours such as crying, shouting, throwing oneself on the floor, hitting, kicking or throwing objects that appear when a child cannot cope with an intense emotion. During a tantrum the child is often in no state to hear a reasonable conversation, because the brain regions involved in emotional regulation have not yet finished developing.
Adults can often express their anger in words, wait, or calm themselves down. A young child learns these skills step by step, with the support of the adults around them. That is why a tantrum is, in most cases, not "bad manners" but a sign of a skill that has not yet been learned.
At What Age Is It Normal?
Tantrums are most common between eighteen months and four years of age. During this period the child wants to gain independence, but their language, patience and problem-solving skills cannot keep up with that wish. The tension between "I'll do it myself!" and "I can't do it" sets the stage for outbursts of anger.
By school age, tantrums are generally expected to become less frequent, shorter and replaced by verbal expression. If frequent, long and intense tantrums continue after the age of six or seven, they may need to be looked at more closely.
The Difference Between Normal Anger and a Behaviour Problem
Temper tantrums in children do not always mean a behaviour problem. Some signs that can help parents tell the difference are:
- Frequency: Do the tantrums happen almost every day, or even several times a day?
- Duration: Do tantrums mostly die down within minutes, or do they go on for a long time?
- Intensity: Does the child seriously harm themselves, others or property?
- Age: Are the tantrums clearly more frequent and intense than would be expected of their peers?
- Setting: Does the problem occur only at home, or at school, nursery and with friends too?
- Periods in between: Is the child constantly restless, irritable or unhappy even outside the tantrums?
Imagine a five-year-old who has a brief crying fit a few times a week when they don't want to finish a game, and who recovers within a few minutes. This is most often within the bounds of development. But if a child of the same age has long daily tantrums that involve hitting themselves, and the teacher mentions similar problems, it is helpful to talk to a specialist. Even so, these signs do not on their own amount to a diagnosis.
What Causes Temper Tantrums?
There is no single cause behind tantrums. Usually several factors come together.
Basic Needs
Hunger, lack of sleep, tiredness or illness markedly lower a child's capacity to regulate their emotions. Many parents notice that tantrums increase in the evening, at the end of a long day, or on days when the nap has been missed.
Feelings That Cannot Be Expressed
Disappointment, jealousy, fear, shame or sadness are often expressed as anger in young children. Changes such as the birth of a new sibling, starting nursery or school, moving house or parents separating can intensify these feelings. For families going through a separation, our article on how to tell a child about divorce may be a helpful guide.
Differences in Temperament
Some children are born with more intense emotions, a lower tolerance for frustration or greater sensitivity to change. These children "overflow" more easily. Temperament is not a flaw; it simply shows that the child needs more support and predictability.
Learned Behaviour
If a child learns that they get what they want when they cry or shout, this behaviour can become reinforced over time. This does not mean the parent is doing something "wrong"; giving in at a tired and cornered moment is entirely human. But noticing the cycle is the first step towards change.
Other Underlying Conditions
Attention deficit and hyperactivity, anxiety, delayed language development, sensory sensitivities or developmental differences can also accompany tantrums. For example, a child who struggles to control their impulses may explode more easily in every situation that requires waiting. You can look at our article on the signs of attention deficit on this topic.
Challenges Parents Face in Turkey
In Turkey, many parents have to deal with the judgement of those around them while coping with tantrums. During a meltdown on public transport, in a shopping mall or at a relative's house, the stares of strangers and comments like "If it were me, I'd do it this way" put even more strain on the parent. Under this pressure, parents often either become overly harsh or give in to the child straight away to quieten them.
The extended family structure comes into play as well. Grandparents' attitudes, such as "We wouldn't have spoiled them like this" or, on the contrary, "Don't make that child cry", can make it hard for parents to stay consistent. In big cities, long working hours, traffic and small living spaces raise the stress levels of both parent and child. The anxiety caused by the cost of living can quietly wear down a parent's patience. Knowing these things can help you be kinder to yourself.
The most helpful thing you can do during a meltdown in a public place is to focus on your child's need rather than on the looks around you. If possible, taking them to a quieter corner, speaking in a low voice and staying with them until the storm passes is enough. When temper tantrums in children take place in front of everyone, it is entirely natural for a parent to feel ashamed; but the calm response you give in that moment sets a powerful example for your child and for the other parents around you. Talking with older family members at a calm time and telling them clearly how you would like them to behave during tantrums can also help you stay consistent.
Your child learns to calm their own storm by first borrowing your calm.
What to Do During a Tantrum
The moment of crisis is a time not for teaching but for keeping your child safe. The steps below work for many families:
Calm Yourself First
Take a deep breath, lower your voice and try to relax your body. Your calm gives the child's nervous system the message "There is no danger". Shouting or threatening often prolongs the tantrum.
Ensure Safety
Prevent the child from harming themselves or others. If necessary, move them to a safe space and remove breakable objects around them. If they are trying to hit, you can say in a calm but firm voice, "I won't let you hit."
Say Little, Name the Feeling
Long explanations do not work during a tantrum. Short sentences that name the feeling, such as "You're really angry, you didn't want to leave the park", help the child feel understood. Accepting the feeling does not mean approving of the behaviour.
Hold the Limit
If the tantrum arose in order to get something, hold your limit calmly. Saying "I know you want it so much, but we won't be buying sweets today" and staying beside them protects both the limit and the bond.
Reconnect After the Tantrum
When the child has calmed down, hug them or stay close. You can briefly talk about what happened in an age-appropriate way and think together about what they might do next time. A repair-focused approach instead of punishment, such as picking up the scattered toys together, is more instructive.
Daily Tips for Preventing Tantrums
It is not possible to eliminate tantrums entirely, but there is a lot you can do to reduce their frequency and intensity:
- Set up a predictable daily routine; keep sleep and meal times as consistent as possible.
- Warn before transitions: "In five minutes we're going to have a bath."
- Whenever possible, offer choices: "Would you like to wear the blue pyjamas or the green ones?"
- Use feeling words in everyday life; talk about emotions through books and games.
- Catch your child doing well and tell them you noticed.
- Set aside a short daily one-to-one playtime without screens or interruptions.
- When limiting screen use, soften the transitions; our article on screen addiction may give you ideas.
- Build a shared language between parents about the rules.
Get to Know the Triggers
Noting for a week or two at what times, in which settings and after which events tantrums occur is often surprisingly illuminating. In some families tantrums cluster at school pick-up, in others before dinner or when sharing with a sibling is required. Knowing the trigger lets you prepare accordingly: bringing a small snack to school pick-up, spending a few minutes alone with your child before a difficult transition, or discussing turn-taking rules between siblings beforehand.
Create a Calming Corner
At home you can set up a small corner with a soft cushion, a few books, a favourite soft toy and perhaps a set of feeling cards. This corner is not a punishment area but a safe place to go when feelings grow big. If you try using this corner together with your child in calm moments, it becomes easier for them to turn to it in difficult ones. Over time the child may gain an emotional regulation skill that lets them say, "I'm going to my corner for a bit."
Remember to make room for your own feelings too. Coping with constant tantrums is tiring; asking for help, taking a break and seeking support are all part of good parenting.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
In most families, tantrums decrease over time and with a consistent approach. However, it may be helpful to seek support from a child psychologist in the following situations:
- If the tantrums are clearly frequent, long and intense for the child's age
- If the child harms themselves during tantrums or seriously attacks others
- If the tantrums negatively affect school, nursery and friendships
- If the child seems constantly irritable, unhappy or anxious outside the tantrums
- If there has been a marked change in behaviour after an important life event
- If, as a parent, you feel exhausted, helpless or find it hard to control your own anger
Support received early can help strengthen the child's emotional regulation skills and reduce tension within the family.
How Are Temper Tantrums in Children Addressed in Therapy?
The assessment process usually begins with a preliminary session with the parents. In this session the child's developmental history, when, where and how the tantrums occur, and what the family has tried so far are discussed. Then the therapist gets to know the child using age-appropriate methods.
When working with young children, play therapy is an important tool. Through play, the child expresses the anger, jealousy or fear they cannot put into words. The therapist accompanies the child in recognising, naming and expressing their feelings in safe ways. You can find more information about this approach on the child and play therapy page.
With school-age children, techniques based on cognitive behavioural therapy can also be used: noticing the first signs of anger in the body, developing calming strategies and working on problem-solving skills. In sessions with parents, we work together on consistent limits, positive reinforcement and crisis plans. This is because change in the child usually becomes lasting when the interaction at home changes too.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it right to ignore a child who is having a tantrum?
In tantrums that are used to get attention or to get something, not overreacting to the behaviour can work. But leaving the child emotionally alone is something different. Staying nearby and keeping a calm attitude protects both the limit and the bond of trust.
Do temper tantrums in children go away with age?
In most children, tantrums decrease as language and emotional regulation skills develop. However, tantrums that are still frequent and intense at school age may point to a need that should be supported. In that case, speaking with a specialist is helpful.
Should I punish my child?
Physical or humiliating punishments do not help a child learn to manage their anger; on the contrary, they can make the problem worse. Instead, allowing the natural consequences of the behaviour, offering a chance to make amends and reinforcing positive behaviours is a more effective approach.
How can I control my own anger during tantrums?
Noticing the signs of tension in your own body is the first step. As long as it is safe, stepping back for a few seconds and taking a deep breath prepares you for a calmer response. If you often feel you are losing control, talking to a specialist about it can help both you and your child.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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