Separation Anxiety in Children: Settling into Nursery and School

Age-by-age, step-by-step tips for helping a child with separation anxiety settle into nursery and school, plus goodbye routines and when to seek support.

When a child clings to your leg at the nursery door, crying and shouting "Don't go!", it is entirely natural to feel your heart break. Separation anxiety is the intense distress a child feels when separating from the person they are attached to, most often a mother or father, and it is an ordinary part of development at certain ages. Sometimes, however, this anxiety can become so intense that it makes settling into nursery and school difficult for weeks and wears the family out. In this article we look in detail at when this anxiety is ordinary and when it calls for support, how you can plan the nursery and school settling-in process, and what steps you can take at home.

What Is Separation Anxiety?

At roughly the second half of their first year, babies begin to distinguish their caregiver from other people and to react when they are separated from them. This is a sign of healthy attachment: the child has recognised the value of the person who makes them feel safe. Separation reactions usually become pronounced between the ages of one and three, then gradually lessen as the child internalises the knowledge that "Even when Mummy goes, she comes back."

Developmental separation anxiety is temporary; shortly after the separation the child calms down, joins in the play and greets the parent happily on their return. When the anxiety is far more intense and longer-lasting than expected for the child's age and clearly restricts daily life, it can turn into a picture that calls for a specialist assessment. In the mental health field this picture is called separation anxiety disorder, and it can only be diagnosed after a comprehensive assessment.

This anxiety is closely linked to attachment experiences. A secure bond supports the child's courage to explore the world; a child learns to separate more easily from a parent they are sure will return.

What Are the Symptoms of Separation Anxiety?

The symptoms below appear especially at the moment of separation or while anticipating it:

• Prolonged, inconsolable crying when separating from the parent
• Clinging tightly to the parent, running to the door, not letting the parent go
• Stomach ache, headache or nausea in the mornings, before nursery or school
• Frequent worries that something bad will happen to the parent ("What if you have an accident?")
• Not wanting to sleep alone, coming into the parent's bed at night
• Nightmares about separation
• Following the parent from room to room even when they are at home
• Refusing to go to a friend's house, a birthday party or a school trip

What to expect at different ages

Ages 1–3: Crying during separation and short-lived distress are expected reactions. The child can usually turn their attention to something else within a few minutes.

Ages 3–5: Difficulty in the first weeks is common while settling into nursery. At this age the child starts to put feelings into words: "I'll miss you." In most children the settling-in process eases markedly within a few weeks.

Age 6 and over: Starting primary school is a new period of separation. However, at this age, intense reactions to separation lasting for weeks, especially if accompanied by physical complaints and refusal to go to school, should be assessed more carefully.

What Causes Separation Anxiety?

Usually more than one factor plays a role in the emergence of this anxiety:

Temperament: Some children approach new environments and new people more cautiously. The settling-in process for these children may take longer.

Life changes: Events such as moving house, a new sibling, a parent starting work, divorce or a change of caregiver can trigger separation reactions. Long working hours, common in big cities, and care being shared between grandmother, nanny and nursery can also strain the child's need for predictability.

Loss and frightening experiences: The death of a loved one, a hospital stay or disasters such as earthquakes can strengthen the child's thought that "The people I love can disappear at any moment." After the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, many families observed that their children did not want to be left alone and wanted to sleep next to a parent at night, which is understandable in this light.

The parent's own anxiety: If the parent looks very tense, hesitant or guilty during the separation, the child may interpret this as "I'm not safe here." This is not an accusation; it is a reminder of how well children read emotional signals.

Settling into Nursery and School: The Effect on Daily Life

For a child who finds it hard to separate, mornings are often like an exam. Breakfast drags on, getting dressed becomes a battle, and tears begin at the door. The parent is late for work, thinks about their child all day, and comes home in the evening tired and guilty. This cycle can raise tension in the whole family.

Say a four-year-old has started nursery, and in the first days the mother stayed at nursery whenever the child cried, and in the end took them home. The child learns that crying prevents separation; the next day they cry harder. Conversely, if the mother slips out without saying anything, the child thinks their mother can vanish at any moment and stays on alert. Both attitudes are well-intentioned but can feed anxiety. The solution is a predictable, brief and warm goodbye that lies between the two.

In school-age children, separation anxiety can combine with not wanting to go to school. We cover this subject separately in our article on school refusal. You can find preparation suggestions for children starting school for the first time in our article on starting school.

Step-by-Step Tips for Settling into Nursery and School

Before settling in: Preparation

1. Introduce the setting. If possible, visit the nursery or school together, play in the garden, meet the teacher.
2. Explain with stories and play. Act out a teddy bear that goes to school: the bear goes to school, plays, eats lunch, and then its mummy comes to pick it up. Let the child direct the play.
3. Practise with short separations. Leave the child with a relative they trust for short periods so that they have the experience of "I'm going and I'm coming back."
4. Establish the sleep and morning routine in advance. Moving to a sleep schedule that fits school hours a few weeks beforehand makes mornings easier.

During settling in: Gradual transition

Many nurseries use gradual settling-in programmes that allow the parent to stay in the classroom or nearby for a while in the first days. In general, this order works:

1. In the first days, short attendance together with the parent
2. The parent in the classroom but in the background while the child joins in the play
3. The parent stepping out briefly and coming back
4. Gradually lengthening the time apart
5. Full-day attendance

It is important to move to each step when the child has become relatively comfortable at the previous one. Plan the timing together with the teacher.

Goodbye routine

• Keep it short. Drawn-out goodbyes increase anxiety. Hug, kiss, and say the same sentence every time: "Play, eat your lunch, and then I'll come to pick you up."
• Don't sneak out. Say goodbye and leave even if the child cries; this builds trust.
• Make the return time concrete. Young children do not understand clock time. Link it to daily events such as "after your nap".
• Don't go back in. Turning back to the sound of crying after you have gone out of the door and going back inside makes separation harder. You can ask the teacher to let you know how things are going after a short while.
• Give a transition object. A scarf that carries Mummy's smell, a family photograph or a small toy can reassure the child.
• Be there on time. Being there at the time you promised is the foundation of trust.

What can you do at home?

• Name the feeling: "Leaving me makes you sad, you miss me. I miss you too, and I come back every day."
• Set aside special time in the evening: Ten to fifteen minutes every day, without phones, playing the game the child chooses, strengthens the bond and makes the next day's separation easier.
• Work on separation through play: Games like hide-and-seek and peekaboo teach young children in a fun way that "What disappears from sight comes back."
• Praise their courage: "You cried at the door today but then you joined in the play. That was very brave."
• Regulate your own emotions: To look calm and resolute at the moment of separation, it helps to take a deep breath beforehand and remind yourself, "My child is in a safe place."

The most powerful message you can give a child is this: I understand how you feel, and I believe you can cope with it.

Separations at night

Separation worries can also become pronounced at night. Gradual methods such as a calm, consistent bedtime routine, a dim light in the room, and the parent staying beside the bed for gradually shorter periods work well. For detailed suggestions, you can look at our article on sleep problems in children.

Attitudes to avoid

During the settling-in process, some well-intentioned behaviours can unknowingly strengthen anxiety:

• Threats or frightening: Sentences like "If you cry I won't come to pick you up" confirm the child's greatest fear and shake their sense of security.
• Shaming: Saying "You're a big boy now, is crying OK?" teaches the child to hide the feeling but does not remove the anxiety.
• Bribery and bargaining: Promising a toy every morning may work for a short time but turns separation into a matter for negotiation. Instead, verbal praise that notices effort and special play time in the evening are a more lasting support.
• Inconsistency: Leaving the child firmly one day and keeping them at home when they cry the next leads the child to test which behaviour will get results.
• Discussing worry in front of the child: Remarks like "I suppose we won't be able to leave them today either" shape the child's expectations in a negative direction. Share your worries somewhere the child cannot hear.

Transitions between caregivers

In Turkey, in many families the child's care is shared between parents, grandmother, nanny and nursery. This is a richness in terms of having many loving adults in a child's life; but when transitions are frequent and unpredictable, anxiety can rise. Briefly telling the child in the morning how their day will go ("Today your grandmother will pick you up from nursery, and I'll come at dinner time"), caregivers applying similar rules about sleep, meals and goodbyes, and not rushing transition moments give the child confidence. When there are different views in the extended family, having a short family conversation to agree on the basic rules can be useful.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It can be helpful to consult a mental health professional who works with children in the following situations:

• If settling into nursery or school does not ease at all despite several weeks of regular attendance
• If the child cannot calm down for a long time after the separation and cannot take part in play and activities
• If physical complaints have become constant and no medical cause has been found
• If the child constantly refuses to go to school, a friend's house or age-appropriate activities
• If the anxiety began after a loss, a traumatic event or a major change
• If you, as a parent, feel exhausted and helpless

Support received early can help prevent anxiety from becoming established and the cycle of avoidance from strengthening.

How Is Separation Anxiety Approached in Therapy?

The process usually starts with a parent session. The child's developmental history, care arrangements, changes in the family and the situations in which anxiety appears are discussed in detail. Then introductory sessions are held with the child.

Play therapy: For young children, play is the natural way of expressing their feelings. In child-centred play therapy, within a safe therapeutic relationship the child can work through the themes of separation, reunion, disappearing and being found in their play. In this way they gain a sense of control over the anxiety. You can find details of the process on the child and play therapy page.

Cognitive behavioural approach: With older children, work is done on noticing anxious thoughts, evaluating thoughts such as "What if something happens to Mummy?" realistically, and gradual separation exercises.

Parent guidance: The goodbye routine, the settling-in plan and consistent attitudes at home are decided together with parents. Where necessary, cooperation with the school and teacher makes the process easier.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does it take to settle into nursery?

This varies according to the child's temperament, age and how the settling-in process is planned. Many children settle within a few weeks; some children need longer. What matters is that the difficulty tends to lessen over time.

Does leaving a crying child and going away do harm?

Leaving them with a trustworthy teacher with a warm, brief goodbye usually does no harm; on the contrary, it strengthens the child's trust that you will return. What is really difficult is sneaking out or going back every time they cry.

Will separation anxiety cause problems later?

Developmental separation anxiety eases over time in most children. Intense and long-lasting anxiety, if not supported, can lay the ground for other types of anxiety. For this reason, early assessment is useful when the picture drags on.

Is it normal to feel guilty as a working mother?

Yes, many parents experience this feeling. What matters is less the length of time you spend with your child than its quality. If the guilt is very intense, getting support for it yourself can be good for both you and your child.

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• #settling into nursery
• #settling into school
• #play therapy

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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