Toilet Training: Timing and Common Mistakes

When should toilet training start and what steps should you follow? Read about signs of readiness, common mistakes and how to cope with setbacks.

"The neighbour's daughter was out of nappies at two, and ours still isn't." "She must be out of nappies before nursery starts." These sentences go round in many parents' minds and make the process more stressful than it needs to be. Toilet training is a developmental step that moves forward with patience and consistency once the child is ready physically, cognitively and emotionally. It is not a race; every child has their own timing. In this article we look in detail at when toilet training should begin, which signs show that a child is ready, how the process is carried out step by step, and what mistakes parents most often make.

What Is Toilet Training and Why Does It Matter?

Toilet training is the whole set of skills by which a child notices the need to urinate or open their bowels, expresses it, holds on for a while and empties in the right place. This skill is not only physical maturation. It is also an important turning point for the child in gaining control over their own body, experiencing the feeling of "I can do it" and developing autonomy.

In developmental psychology, around the age of 2 to 3 is known as a period when a child's need for independence becomes marked. The child begins to say "I'll do it myself" and to want to make choices. Because toilet training falls right in this period, the process can turn into a power struggle. For this reason it is important to see toilet training not as a matter of "discipline" but as a learning process that supports the child's development.

When Should Toilet Training Begin?

There is no single age that suits everyone for toilet training. A significant share of children begin to show signs of readiness between 18 months and 3 years; however, children outside this range are also entirely normal. Differences can be seen between girls and boys, and even between siblings in the same family. What decides it is not the calendar but the child's readiness.

Signs That Your Child Is Ready

Physical signs:

• Being able to keep a nappy dry for at least two hours
• Bowel movements happening at more regular times
• Being able to walk, and to sit down and stand up, on their own
• Being able to try pulling their trousers down and up

Cognitive and communication signs:

• Understanding and following simple instructions (such as "Bring the ball")
• Being able to use a word or gesture for wee and poo
• Noticing when their nappy is dirty and telling you, or being bothered by it

Emotional signs:

• Being curious about adults or siblings who go to the toilet
• A wish to imitate
• Showing interest in being a "big kid"
• Being bothered by a dirty nappy and wanting it off

It is not necessary for all of these signs to appear at the same time; however, seeing several of them together can show that you are approaching a suitable time to start.

Times That Are Not Suitable for Starting

Some periods already carry enough of a load for the child, so it may be better to postpone toilet training:

• The birth of a new sibling
• Moving house or changing city
• Starting nursery or with a new carer
• Divorce, loss or a serious illness in the family
• Periods when the child is ill

Starting a few weeks after these changes, once the child has settled into the new routine, makes the process easier.

How Is Toilet Training Done? A Step-by-Step Guide

1. The preparation period

A few weeks of preparation before starting the training itself is helpful. During this time you can read picture books about the toilet with your child and play "weeing" games with dolls. Choosing the potty or the toilet seat adapter together gives the child a say and makes it easier for them to take ownership. You can place the potty in the bathroom first, for them to sit on clothed, as play.

2. Decide on the words

It is important that everyone in the family uses the same words: choose simple expressions that carry no negative meaning, such as "wee" and "poo". Words like "dirty" and "disgusting" can lead the child to develop shame about their body.

3. Create regular sitting times

At the beginning it helps to sit the child on the potty at set times: on waking in the morning, after meals, before going out and before sleeping. Sitting time should not exceed a few minutes. Even if nothing happens, let them get up saying "You tried, wonderful."

4. Moving from nappies to pants

When you start daytime training, putting pants on at home if possible helps the child notice wetness. There will be accidents during this period and this is completely normal. Spending time on floors that are easy to clean rather than on carpet, and keeping spare clothes ready, makes it easier for you to stay calm too.

5. Notice success, but don't overdo it

When the child uses the potty, acknowledge it in a warm and calm tone: "You did your wee in the potty, how do you feel?" Over-excited celebrations or big rewards can create pressure in some children. A small sticker chart is a sufficient and enjoyable source of motivation for many children.

6. Don't rush night-time dryness

Daytime dryness and night-time dryness are different processes. Staying dry at night depends largely on physical maturation and can be completed months, even years, after daytime training. Once daytime training has settled, if you observe over several weeks that your child's nappy is dry in the mornings, you can try giving up the night nappy. Going to the toilet before bed and limiting excessive fluid intake in the evening hours can be supportive.

7. Be organised when out and about and on journeys

A skill that has begun to settle at home can easily be shaken outside. Make going to the toilet before leaving for the park, the shop or a visit into a routine. Carrying spare clothes, wet wipes and, if necessary, a foldable potty with you reduces both your anxiety and your child's. On long journeys, planning stopping points in advance eases the worry of "What if I don't make it?" If your child is uneasy in an unfamiliar toilet, rather than pushing them, reassure them by staying beside them and speaking in a calm voice.

8. Work together with everyone who shares childcare

If your child spends time during the day at nursery, with a childminder or with their grandparents, share with them the words you use, the sitting times and how you react to accidents. Even writing a short note makes things easier. In Turkey, because older relatives help with childcare in many families, differences can arise between the "this is how we raised you" approach and your method. Talking through these differences privately and calmly, not in front of the child, protects the process.

Common Mistakes in Toilet Training

Starting too early and with pressure

Comments from those around you like "Still in nappies?", the nursery enrolment calendar, or the idea that summer will be "easy" can lead to starting before the child is ready. Training started with a child who is not ready generally takes longer and creates more conflict.

Getting angry, shaming or punishing over accidents

Sentences like "You're a big girl now, are you still wetting yourself?" create shame and anxiety in the child. Shame can lead the child to hide their need, hold on, and even develop constipation. After an accident, saying in a calm voice "These things happen, next time we'll try to get to the potty in time" is enough.

Getting into a power struggle

Sitting the child on the potty by force, not letting them get up, or saying "You can't get up until you've done it" turns the toilet into a battlefield. Children in this age group have a strong need for independence, and force generally increases resistance. For more information on stubbornness and resistance behaviour, you can look at the article on the stubborn child.

Being inconsistent

Pants one day, nappy the next; one rule with mum, another with grandma... Inconsistency confuses the child. It is important that everyone who shares childcare, including carers and older relatives, adopts the same approach.

Comparing with siblings or peers

Comparisons like "Your sister had already stopped by your age" damage the child's self-confidence and lower motivation. Every child's pace of development is different.

Turning the reward into a bribe

Big promises like "If you do your wee in the potty I'll buy you a toy" may seem to work in the short term, but over time they can lead the child to expect a bigger reward each time. The skill also stops being the child's own achievement and becomes a bargain. Small stickers, a book read together or a loving hug are often enough.

Counting setbacks as failure

A child whose training seemed to have settled may have accidents again with changes such as a new sibling, a move or the start of nursery. This "regression" is the child's way of coping with stress and is often temporary. At this time, instead of criticising, you need to offer the child more reassurance and closeness.

Difficulties in Toilet Training: Constipation, Holding On and Anxiety

Some children are afraid of going to the toilet. The sound of the toilet, the flushing of water or a painful experience of passing a stool earlier can trigger this fear. A child who has had a painful experience starts holding their stool; holding increases constipation, constipation leads to pain again and a vicious circle forms.

Imagine a three-year-old who hides in a corner every time they need to open their bowels and asks for their nappy. In this case, instead of forcing the child, small steps can work: temporarily allowing them to go in a nappy, then gradually encouraging them to do it in the bathroom and later beside the potty, still in the nappy. If constipation is involved, an assessment by the paediatrician is essential.

The goal of toilet training is not only to stop using nappies; it is for the child to take this step as a person who is at peace with their body, self-confident and able to express their needs comfortably.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Most children complete this process in time with a patient and consistent approach. However, in the following situations it can be useful to talk first to the paediatrician and, when needed, to a child psychologist:

• Daytime dryness still not achieved after the age of four
• A long-lasting and marked regression after toilet training has been completed
• Holding stools, frequent constipation, or frequent leakage of stool into underwear
• Intense fear of the toilet, crying fits, avoidance
• Marked disruption in sleep, eating or general behaviour alongside the process
• The toilet becoming a constant source of conflict between parent and child

Excluding medical causes first is important. When no medical problem is found, emotional factors can be assessed. For a general framework on when to seek a specialist, you can read the article when to see a child psychologist.

How Are Toilet Training Problems Approached in Therapy?

Difficulties related to toilet training can often be a reflection of the anxiety the child is experiencing, their reaction to changes or a power struggle between parent and child. For this reason, in therapy we look not only at the behaviour but at the feeling behind it.

In the child and play therapy process, young children express their feelings most comfortably through play. In child-centred play therapy, the child expresses their fears, anger or need for control through toys in a safe setting. This process can help reduce the tension around the toilet.

Sessions with parents are also an important part of the process. In these sessions the approach within the family is assessed together; a consistent routine, calm reactions to accidents and small steps that support the child's autonomy are planned. Simple behavioural programmes based on cognitive behavioural principles, for example gradual approach and positive reinforcement, are often used with children who show fear-driven holding behaviour.

Frequently Asked Questions

How many days does toilet training take?

This varies greatly from child to child. Some children reach daytime dryness within a few weeks, while for others the process can take several months. Quick methods such as "nappy-free in three days" may not suit every child; it is healthier to respect the child's own tempo.

Should I use a potty or a toilet seat adapter?

Both can be used. A potty can feel safer to small children because their feet touch the ground. If you use a toilet seat adapter, putting a step under their feet helps the child sit comfortably and balanced.

Is it compulsory to be out of nappies before starting nursery?

Although some nurseries state an expectation on this, forcing the child just to meet the enrolment calendar can make the process harder. It is more useful to cooperate with the nursery and plan for the training to be continued there with the same approach.

It's very hard not to get angry when my child wets themselves. What can I do?

This is a very understandable feeling, especially on days when you are tired. After an accident, take a short breath and calm yourself first, then move on to cleaning with a short, neutral sentence. If you often find yourself feeling angry, talking to a specialist about what this process makes you feel can be good for both you and your child.

• #child development
• #potty training
• #parenting
• #preschool years

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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