What is school refusal and why does it happen? Signs by age, steps to take at home and at school, and support for a child who does not want to go to school.
The same scene every morning: your child wakes up with a stomach ache, cries, resists at the door and says, "I'm not going to school today." At weekends and on holidays, though, they seem cheerful, relaxed and well. This picture may point to what mental health professionals call school refusal, a difficulty that very often has anxiety underneath. It is not laziness or naughtiness; it is a child trying to manage a feeling they find hard to cope with by avoiding it. In this article we look at the possible reasons behind a child not wanting to go to school, the steps parents can take at home and in cooperation with the school, and when professional support is worth seeking.
What Is School Refusal?
School refusal is when a child has marked difficulty, for emotional reasons, attending school or staying there throughout the day. This difficulty may take the form of not going to school every morning, but it can also appear as frequent lateness, asking to go to the nurse in the middle of the day and be sent home, or absence from particular lessons or on particular days.
It is important to distinguish this from truancy, where a child skips school without their parents' knowledge. A truanting child is usually somewhere else during school hours and tries to hide it. A child who avoids school, on the other hand, mostly wants to be at home with their parent and openly shows that they are struggling. This difference calls for a different approach.
This picture is not a diagnosis but a pattern of behaviour that can be the shared result of many different causes. That is why looking with curiosity for the answer to "Why doesn't my child want to go to school?" is the first step towards a solution.
What Are the Signs of School Refusal?
- Stomach ache, headache, nausea or vomiting on school mornings, with complaints easing at weekends and on holidays
- Growing restlessness or crying on Sunday evenings or when returning from holidays
- Dawdling over morning preparations, refusing to get dressed, resisting at the door
- Frequently phoning from school to ask to come home, going to the nurse
- Anger, tension or going quiet when school is mentioned
- Sleep problems, especially difficulty falling asleep on school nights
- Statements such as "Nobody likes me at school", "The teacher will be cross with me" or "What if Mum doesn't come home?"
The physical complaints are real; the child is not pretending. Anxiety can cause real pain and discomfort in the body. Even so, a paediatrician should assess these complaints first to make sure there is no medical cause.
What it looks like at different ages
Ages 5-7: Common when starting school. It is usually linked to difficulty separating from a parent. Our article on separation anxiety in children may guide you here.
Ages 8-11: Academic difficulties, problems with the teacher or friends, and performance situations such as reading aloud in class or going up to the board may come to the fore.
Ages 12 and over: In middle and high school, social anxiety, peer bullying, body image, exam pressure and depressive symptoms may accompany school avoidance. In teenagers, not going to school can sometimes be combined with long hours spent on screens.
Why Does School Refusal Happen?
To understand the reasons behind school avoidance, it helps to look at what the child is staying away from by avoiding school, or what they gain access to by staying at home. Usually one or more of the following stands out:
Avoiding something at school that triggers difficult feelings: A crowded classroom, loud noise, a strict teacher, a particular lesson or being alone at break may be overwhelming for the child.
Avoiding social or performance situations: Speaking in front of the class, exams, PE lessons, a fear of being judged by friends. In teenagers this may be linked to social anxiety.
Difficulty separating from a parent: Particularly with younger children, or after changes in the family such as illness, loss or divorce, the child may want to be near their parent.
Staying at home becoming attractive: If the day at home is filled with tablet, television and games, the gap between school and home widens and returning to school becomes even harder.
Beyond these, peer bullying, unnoticed learning difficulties, attention problems, signs of depression or a traumatic experience may also lie in the background. If you suspect bullying at school, our article on peer bullying offers detailed information.
The Impact of Not Going to School on Daily Life
As school refusal drags on, it can turn into a self-feeding cycle. Each day at home, the child feels a moment of relief. But the next morning, going back looks even more frightening: new worries are added, such as missed lessons, friends' questions and the teacher's reaction.
Say a ten-year-old stays off school for a few days with a stomach ache after getting a low mark in a maths test. They feel relieved at home, but as the day of return approaches they start thinking, "Everyone will ask where I've been, and I've missed the topics too." The stomach ache gets worse. This example shows that avoidance brings relief in the short term but makes anxiety grow in the long term.
Mornings are wearing for the family too. Working parents are late for work, siblings' routines are disrupted, and a debate can start between parents: "Should we be firmer, or more understanding?" That is why this is a situation that affects the whole family and needs to be addressed together.
What Can Be Done at Home for a Child Who Does Not Want to Go to School?
1. Create a calm setting for conversation
Talk at a calm time, not in the middle of the morning meltdown. Be curious rather than interrogating: "Going to school seems to have been hard for you lately. What's the hardest thing at school?" With younger children, drawing or playing school with dolls can bring out feelings that cannot be put into words.
2. Accept the feeling, but keep up school attendance
It is possible to give two messages at once: "I understand that going to school frightens you. Even so, it's important that you go, and I'm going to help you with this." The feeling is accepted, but avoidance is not reinforced.
3. Work with the school straight away
- Talk to the class teacher and the school counselling service; ask what they have observed at school.
- If there are concrete problems such as bullying, conflict with a teacher or academic difficulty, make a plan together to resolve them.
- Having a teacher or counsellor the child trusts meet them at the door in the morning can ease the transition.
- A quiet space the child can go to when struggling during the day, and the right to a short break, can be arranged.
4. Make a gradual return plan
For a child who has been off school for a long time, returning for the full day all at once can be very hard. Together with the school you can create a step-by-step plan:
- Going to the school grounds after school hours
- Having a short meeting with the school counsellor
- Attending a lesson they enjoy, or only the first two lessons
- Staying at school for half a day
- Attending the full day
Each step is moved on from when the child feels relatively at ease at that step. Rather than stepping back, it is better to stay a little longer at the same step.
5. Keep days at home "boring"
When a child stays at home without being ill, it is important for them to spend that day during school hours away from screens, games and special attention, in a day resembling the school routine. Activities such as working with textbooks or quiet reading may be suitable. The aim is not to punish, but to prevent staying at home from becoming rewarding.
6. Simplify the morning routine
- Prepare the school bag, clothes and food the evening before.
- Keep the wake-up time fixed; keep rushing and tension to a minimum.
- Respond to physical complaints calmly and briefly: "I understand your tummy hurts. Let's take a deep breath. If it gets worse at school, your teacher will let me know."
- Keep the goodbye at the school entrance short and firm.
7. Notice effort
Praise their effort on every day they go to school, at every moment they walk through the door despite finding it hard: "Today was really hard for you but you went into school. That was really brave." Small weekly goals, and an enjoyable activity to do together when a goal is reached, can support motivation.
8. Be consistent between parents
If one parent behaves more strictly and the other more flexibly, the child finds it even harder to manage their anxiety in the gap between them. Decide together beforehand who will do what in the mornings, which phrases you will use and in which situations the child will stay at home.
9. Take a collaborative approach with teenagers
With teenagers, the firm direction used with young children is often not enough and can even turn into a power struggle. When talking to a teenager, it works better to treat them as a partner in the solution: questions like "What's your suggestion for getting back to school? Which step feels easier to you?" support the young person's sense of control. Workload, the pressure of LGS or YKS (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams) preparation, peer relationships on social media and worries about body image are often behind school avoidance at this age. Because staying on screens until late at night makes getting up in the morning harder, shared rules about sleep, such as taking the phone out of the room before bed, can also be added to the plan.
10. Take your own load into account too
Facing the same struggle every morning wears parents out and can increase feelings of anger and guilt. If possible, share the morning duties between parents; sometimes having the parent who feels less tension take the child to school makes a difference. Noticing your own anxiety and tiredness, and asking for support from someone close or from a professional when needed, makes it easier to accompany your child with a calmer stance.
In school refusal, the main goal is to understand the child's anxiety while helping them not to lose their connection with school.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The earlier school refusal is addressed, the easier the return to school generally is. In the following situations it can be helpful to consult a mental health professional who works with children and adolescents:
- If the child has been off school for several days or on and off frequently
- If physical complaints continue and no medical cause can be found
- If nothing changes despite cooperation with the school and measures taken at home
- If the child shows marked unhappiness, withdrawal, or changes in sleep and appetite
- If bullying, loss or a traumatic experience is involved
- If the child expresses hopelessness or talks about harming themselves; in this case seek support without delay and, in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services)
You do not need to wait for the situation to get worse before seeking help; even a short assessment can clarify the family's roadmap.
How Is School Refusal Approached in Therapy?
The assessment process begins with the parents. When and how the difficulty began, on which days it increases, the child's relationships at school and with friends, changes in the family and methods already tried are discussed. With the parents' consent, sharing information with the school can also strengthen the process.
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): This is an approach often used with school-age children and adolescents to work with the anxiety underlying school avoidance. The child learns to recognise anxious thoughts, calm their body and carry out the steps of a gradual return to school. You can find the general principles of CBT in our article on what cognitive behavioural therapy is.
Play therapy: With younger children, school-related fears and themes of separation can be expressed and worked through via play. You can find information about this approach on the child and play therapy page.
Cooperation between parents and school: An important part of therapy is building, together with the parents, a morning routine, a gradual return plan and consistent attitudes. When needed, a shared plan is made with the teacher and the school counselling service.
If an underlying condition such as attention deficit, a learning difficulty or depression is suspected, the relevant assessments are carried out and, if necessary, a referral is made to a child and adolescent psychiatrist.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it right to force a child who doesn't want to go to school to go?
Physically forcing or frightening a child can increase anxiety. On the other hand, keeping them at home for a long time makes returning harder. The healthiest way is a gradual plan, prepared together with the school, that accepts the feeling while supporting attendance.
Is school refusal laziness?
No. Most children who struggle to go to school want to go but cannot because of intense anxiety and physical symptoms. Understanding the feeling behind the behaviour is far more useful than blaming.
Would changing schools be a solution?
If there is a concrete problem at school that cannot be resolved, such as bullying, a change of school may be considered. However, a change made without addressing the underlying anxiety can lead to the difficulty continuing at the new school. It helps to weigh this decision together with a professional and the school.
Does school refusal go away on its own?
Short-lived, mild difficulties can ease by themselves with a supportive approach. However, as absence increases, returning tends to get harder. That is why it is important to act early once the problem goes beyond a few days.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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