Peer Bullying and Cyberbullying: Signs and Advice for Parents

How can you tell if peer bullying or cyberbullying is happening? Read the signs to watch for in your child, how to work with the school and ways to get support.

A child or teenager who comes home from school a little quieter every day, who complains of stomach aches in the mornings, whose face changes suddenly at a notification on their phone, may be trying to cope with something they cannot put into words. Peer bullying is an experience that children and teenagers can meet at school, on the street or in digital environments, and it can leave deep marks on mental health. It often stays hidden, because children feel ashamed, afraid, or think that telling will make things worse. In this article we look at what peer bullying and cyberbullying are, which signs call for attention, what parents can do and when professional support would be helpful.

What Is Peer Bullying?

Peer bullying is when a child or young person deliberately and repeatedly harms a peer who is in a weaker position in terms of power. The imbalance of power here can stem from physical strength, age, popularity, superior numbers or social status.

Three basic features separate bullying from an ordinary quarrel between friends:

• Intent: The behaviour is carried out with the aim of hurting, frightening or humiliating the other person.
• Repetition: It is not a one-off incident but a pattern that continues over time.
• Imbalance of power: The child who is bullied finds it hard to defend themselves.

An argument between two friends of equal strength, or a rude joke that happens once, however upsetting, is not always bullying. But making this distinction is not meant to belittle the pain a child is feeling; it is meant to give the response best suited to the situation.

Types of Peer Bullying

Physical Bullying

Behaviours such as hitting, pushing, kicking, taking or damaging belongings. It is the type that is easiest to notice, but it is not the only type.

Verbal Bullying

Mocking, name-calling, belittling, threatening, or making demeaning remarks about the child's appearance, accent, family, origin or financial situation.

Social (Relational) Bullying

Behaviours such as excluding a child from the group, spreading gossip about them, or steering others away from being friends with them. This type of bullying is quieter and often escapes adults' attention, but its effect is at least as deep as the others.

Cyberbullying

Bullying carried out through messaging apps, social media, gaming platforms or email. Sending demeaning messages, sharing embarrassing photos or videos, creating fake accounts, excluding someone from group chats or threatening them all come under this heading.

Why Can Cyberbullying Be Harder to Cope With?

Cyberbullying differs from traditional bullying in some respects and can be especially wearing for the child:

• There is no place to escape: Even when school is over, it reaches home, even the bedroom, through the phone.
• It spreads quickly: A post can reach many people in a short time.
• It is lasting: Even if screenshots and posts are deleted, they can remain elsewhere.
• It can be anonymous: The person doing the bullying may not be known, which increases the feeling of helplessness.
• Adults find it hard to notice: Parents and teachers often do not see what is going on in the digital environment.

Considering how important peer relationships and social acceptance are during adolescence, it becomes easier to understand why exclusion or humiliation in the digital environment can be so painful. For the developmental features of this period, you can read our article on adolescence.

What Are the Signs of Peer Bullying?

Children often do not say directly that they are being bullied. That is why it is important to notice changes in their behaviour:

• Not wanting to go to school, frequently staying at home with the excuse of being ill
• Complaints such as stomach aches or headaches for which no medical cause can be found
• Lost belongings, torn clothes or unexplained bruises
• A drop in school performance, declining interest in lessons
• Not mentioning friends, not being invited to birthdays or events
• Seeming sad, frightened or angry after using a phone or computer
• Suddenly stopping using their device, or, on the contrary, checking it constantly
• Sleep problems, nightmares, changes in appetite
• A marked decline in self-confidence, statements such as "Nobody likes me"
• Changing the route to school, being alone at break times

Imagine a twelve-year-old who says they have left the class messaging group for a few weeks now and who, in the evenings, puts their phone face down and shuts themselves in their room. This alone is not proof of bullying; but it is a strong sign that it is time to talk to them calmly.

Peer bullying affects not only the child who is bullied but also the children who bully and those who witness it. Behind a child who bullies there may often also be unmet needs such as anger, problems at home or bullying they themselves have experienced.

How Does Peer Bullying Affect a Child?

Bullying can affect a child's sense of self, sense of trust and the way they form relationships. Research shows that long-term experiences of bullying can be linked to anxiety, depressive symptoms, social withdrawal and school problems. In some children these effects can extend into adulthood.

The experience can lead a child to develop beliefs such as "There is something wrong with me" or "I can't trust anyone." When it is noticed early and supported, however, children can make sense of what they have been through and begin to feel safe again.

The effects of bullying do not appear in the same way in every child. Some children withdraw and become quiet, while others may become angry, restless or harsher towards their siblings at home. In some, anxiety shows itself through physical complaints, such as stomach aches that appear before going to school. A supportive family, at least one trustworthy friend and an adult they trust at school are among the most important protective factors for children experiencing peer bullying.

The School Environment in Turkey and Bullying

Awareness of peer bullying in Turkey has been growing in recent years, but it can still sometimes be normalised with remarks such as "It happens between kids" or "Let them learn to stand up for themselves." This approach can cause a child who is being bullied to be left alone and to give up asking for help.

Crowded classrooms, an intense exam schedule and teachers' workloads can make it difficult to keep a close eye on relationships within the school. Children who have migrated from a different city or country may become more open to bullying because of their accent, culture or financial situation. Some children who moved to schools in other cities after the 6 February 2023 earthquakes have faced similar difficulties while adjusting to the new environment. In periods when the cost of living rises, things like branded clothes, phones or pocket money can also become grounds for exclusion and mockery among children.

School guidance services are an important resource on this issue; but for effective intervention, the school, the family and the students need to act together. Creating a culture in the classroom in which respect, openness to differences and asking for help are seen as normal makes it harder for bullying to emerge.

The most powerful message you can give a child who is being bullied is this: "This is not your fault, and you don't have to cope with it alone."

What Should Parents Do?

Listen Calmly

When your child tells you about bullying, your first reaction is very important. Instead of getting angry, panicking or rushing straight to the school, first listen to them calmly. Saying "You were very brave to tell me this" helps them keep trusting you.

Don't Blame or Belittle

Reactions such as "You must have done something too", "Forget it, don't worry about it" or "Hit him back" can lead a child to feel alone and not tell you again. Show that you take their feelings seriously.

Make a Plan Together

Talk with your child about what can be done. Taking steps without their knowledge can shake their trust. Work out together which adults they can turn to, how they can behave at the moment of bullying and which places make them feel safe.

Work With the School

Have a calm and constructive meeting with the class teacher, the guidance counsellor and the school management. Noting incidents with dates, places and names makes the meeting more concrete. Find out what route the school follows against bullying and keep track of the process. Going through the school, rather than confronting the family of the child who bullies directly, is generally healthier.

Keep Evidence in Cyberbullying

Take screenshots of messages and posts. Block the accounts doing the bullying and report them to the platforms. Suggest that your child doesn't respond, but shows you everything. If there are threats, blackmail or obscene content, do not hesitate to report the situation to the relevant official authorities.

Don't Take the Device Away as a Punishment

Taking the phone away from a child experiencing cyberbullying can feel like punishing them a second time and may lead them not to tell you next time. Instead, review safe-use rules together.

Give Witnessing Children a Role

Bullying often takes place in front of an audience, and the stance of the children who witness it can change the course of events. Talk with your own child about what they can do when they see a friend being bullied: not laughing at the bullying, standing by their friend, taking them away from the situation and telling an adult. This conversation strengthens both your child's empathy and their courage to do the right thing. The message "Telling is not snitching, it's protecting someone" is also important here.

Support Their Self-Confidence and Social Bonds

Support your child in discovering the areas where they are strong and in forming new friendships outside school, in sport, art or hobby groups. Areas where they feel valued and that they belong can protect against the effects of bullying.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It can be helpful to get support from a child or adolescent psychologist in the following situations:

• If the child remains anxious, unhappy or withdrawn for a long time even after the bullying has ended
• If they constantly refuse to go to school or their school performance has dropped markedly
• If there are long-lasting changes in sleep, appetite and daily functioning
• If the child says they feel worthless, helpless or hopeless
• If there are signs of self-harm or they talk about death; in emergencies 112 (Turkey's emergency services) should be called
• If you have noticed that your child is the one doing the bullying and their behaviour is not changing

If you are not sure whether your concerns about your child need to be shared with a specialist, our article on whether to take my child to a psychologist may guide you.

How Is Peer Bullying Approached in Therapy?

In therapy, the first goal is for the child to be able to tell what they have been through in a safe setting and for their feelings to be accepted. The experience of bullying often brings feelings of shame, anger and helplessness; the therapist accompanies the child in naming and making sense of these feelings.

When working with younger children, through play therapy the child can express what they have experienced via toys and enactments. With older children and teenagers, approaches based on cognitive behavioural therapy are frequently used. In this process the young person learns to notice and re-evaluate negative beliefs such as "There is something wrong with me", coping skills for anxiety and ways of expressing themselves and setting boundaries. Social skills work can also make it easier to form new friendships.

In work with children who bully, the focus is on empathy skills, anger management and the needs behind the behaviour. In both cases, cooperation with the family and, when needed, coordination with the school are an important part of the process. You can find more information about work with teenagers on the adolescent counselling page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I tell my child to hit back at the bully?

Hitting back physically can make the situation more dangerous and lead to the child being punished. Instead, it is safer to suggest that they say "Stop" calmly and firmly, walk away and tell an adult they trust.

Does peer bullying go away on its own?

Bullying often continues or changes form when adults do not intervene. Steps taken through cooperation between school and family are important for bringing it to an end. Even after the bullying stops, the child may need support to process what they have been through.

What should I do if my child is bullying others?

First try to stay calm and understand the reason for the behaviour. Say clearly that the behaviour is unacceptable, but avoid labelling the child as a person. Working with the school and, if needed, getting support from a specialist can help the behaviour change.

What can I do to prevent cyberbullying?

Talk regularly with your child about digital safety, privacy settings and what is safe to share. Most importantly, make sure they know they can come to you without fear of being punished when they come across something disturbing online.

• #cyberbullying
• #school
• #adolescent psychology
• #parenting

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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