How do you prepare your child for starting school? Read practical tips on first-day anxiety, settling-in difficulties and how to respond to a crying child.
A new school bag, a school uniform worn for the first time, a small hand that does not want to let go of Mum's or Dad's at the school gate... Starting school is an important turning point in which excitement and anxiety are intertwined, for the child and the parent alike. Starting nursery, primary school or a new school means the child leaves the safe routine they are used to and meets new people, new rules and new expectations. In this article we look step by step at how you can prepare your child for starting school, why first-day anxiety happens, what is considered normal during the settling-in period and when support is worth seeking.
What Does Starting School Mean for a Child?
For adults, school is seen as a place where learning takes place. For a child, though, starting school is a much broader experience. For the first time the child is apart from their parent for the whole day, entrusts themselves to an adult they have not known before, and learns to share with peers, wait their turn and follow rules. Seemingly small skills such as asking to go to the toilet, eating a meal independently and packing a bag also become important during this period.
For this reason, starting school is not only an academic beginning; it is a period of emotional and social transition. The most important thing that eases this transition is the child feeling safe. A child who feels safe is curious, explores and learns. An anxious child spends most of their energy protecting themselves.
Why Does First-Day Anxiety Happen?
First-day anxiety is a very common and usually temporary reaction when starting school. There are several main reasons behind it:
- Separation: Especially at young ages, being apart from the person they are attached to naturally creates anxiety in a child.
- Uncertainty: The child does not know what will happen there, who they will meet, or who to turn to when they need something.
- Loss of control: A child who can largely predict the flow of the day at home has to follow a routine set by someone else at school.
- Temperament: Some children warm up to new environments more slowly. This is not a problem but a feature of temperament.
- Parental anxiety: Children read their parents' feelings very well. A tense parent with tearful eyes at the gate can unknowingly give the child the message, "This place isn't safe."
To understand when separation-related anxiety is age-appropriate and when it is intense, you can look at the article on separation anxiety in children.
What Are the Signs of First-Day Anxiety?
- Stomach ache, headache or nausea in the mornings
- Refusing to go to school, crying, clinging tightly to the parent
- Difficulty falling asleep, waking in the night
- Reduced appetite
- Returning to behaviours they had given up (thumb sucking, bed-wetting, baby talk)
- Excessive tiredness, grumpiness or angry outbursts when back from school
These signs can appear in the first weeks and ease with time in most children.
Preparing Before Starting School: Step-by-Step Tips
1. Be Positive and Realistic When Talking About School
Instead of exaggerated promises like "You'll have so much fun at school, you won't cry at all", use warm, realistic language: "At school you'll meet new friends and your teacher will help you. It might feel a bit strange at first, and that's completely normal." Also avoid using school as a threat: sentences like "Your teacher will straighten you out when you start school" increase anxiety.
2. Introduce the School in Advance
If possible, visit the school grounds together before term starts and create a chance to see the classroom and the teacher. School open days or settling-in weeks are very valuable in this respect. Walking the route to school together a few times reduces uncertainty in the child's mind.
3. Prepare Through Stories and Play
Read picture books about starting school. Play "schools" with toys at home; sometimes let your child be the teacher and you the pupil. Play is the most natural way for children to prepare for new situations.
4. Settle Sleep and Morning Routines in Advance
Bring the sleep times that changed over the summer holiday closer to the school routine at least one or two weeks before school starts. A routine in which you can get up without rushing in the morning means the day begins with calm rather than anxiety. Preparing clothes and the bag together the evening before significantly reduces morning stress.
5. Support Self-Care Skills
Supporting skills appropriate to your child's age, such as washing their hands, saying when they need the toilet, putting on their shoes and opening and closing their lunch box, helps them feel more capable at school.
6. Try Short Separations Beforehand
If your child has not spent much time apart from you before, arrange for them to spend short periods with a relative you trust before school starts. These experiences reinforce the knowledge that "Mum/Dad goes away but comes back".
7. Choose School Supplies Together
Giving the child a say in choosing the bag, lunch box or pencil case helps them build a positive bond with school. Putting a small item they love, such as a family photograph, in their bag can also be reassuring.
8. Simplify the Evening Routine
In the first weeks of school, the child's mind and body are making an intense effort to adjust. During this period, it makes things easier to set up a calm and predictable routine in the evenings instead of visits, crowded settings and long screen time. A routine repeated in the same order every evening, such as dinner, bath, a book and sleep, gives the child the message, "My world is still in place." Limiting tablets and phones in the hours before bed supports falling asleep and waking more rested the next morning.
9. Involve Siblings and Other Family Members
If there is an older sibling at home, telling their own school memories in a positive way can encourage the younger one. It is also important for grandparents to avoid frightening or pressuring statements about school. Using supportive phrases such as "You'll learn new things at school, we're so curious" rather than "The teacher will be cross if you misbehave at school" influences the child's perception of school in a positive direction.
What to Do on the First Day and in the First Weeks
Say Goodbye Briefly and Clearly
Waiting at the gate for a long time, going back repeatedly or delaying the parting each time the child cries prolongs the anxiety. Create a warm, brief and predictable goodbye ritual: a hug, a special phrase and a concrete time of return such as "I'll pick you up after lunch."
Never Slip Away in Secret
When the child's attention is elsewhere, going quietly may seem easy in the short term. But when the child notices that you left without telling them, their sense of trust is shaken and later separations become even harder.
Accept Their Feeling
When your child cries, instead of saying "Don't cry, big boys and girls don't cry", you can say, "I know it makes you sad to leave me. I will come and get you." Having their feelings understood helps the child calm down.
Manage Your Own Anxiety
A calm and confident stance at the school gate gives the child the strongest message of reassurance. If your eyes fill with tears, that is very human; but it is better to experience your feelings after you have left, not in front of the child. Make a support plan for yourself: arriving at work a little late on the first day, or talking to a friend, for example.
Don't Turn the Return from School into an Interrogation
Rapid-fire questions like "What did you do today, what did you learn, who did you play with?" can overwhelm a tired child. When they come home, first give them a snack and time to rest. Later ask open-ended, enjoyable questions such as "What made you laugh most today?"
Work with the Teacher
Regular communication with the teacher lets you understand how your child is doing at school. A short meeting with the teacher about your child's temperament, what they like and the things that worry you can make the settling-in process easier.
Settling into school happens not in a day but over weeks. Crying does not mean the child cannot adjust to school; it means they are expressing their feelings.
Settling-In Difficulties: What Is Normal and What Is Not?
Say a six-year-old enjoys going to school in the first week, then in the second week begins to say "my tummy hurts" in the mornings and cries at the door. Their teacher says the child calms down a few minutes after the parent leaves and joins in games during the day. This picture is common in settling into school, and it usually eases over time with patience, consistent goodbye routines and cooperation with the teacher.
The settling-in process varies from child to child. Some children are comfortable from day one, while others may need a few weeks. Crying may even start in the first or second week after the first days have gone smoothly, because that is when the child realises that school is not a "temporary adventure" but a new routine.
The relatively early age for starting primary school in Turkey may cause difficulties for some children in being ready for the demands of school. In big cities, long journeys on school buses, crowded classrooms and intensive after-school study programmes can also leave a child exhausted by the end of the day. Avoiding academic pressures that are not suited to the child's age during this period matters for a healthy start to a learning journey that will extend to exam periods such as LGS (Turkey's national high-school entrance exam).
For children of families who have migrated from the earthquake region or moved to a new city, starting school can be a new burden of adjustment on top of the losses and changes already experienced. The settling-in process may take longer for these children and require more patience.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It can be helpful to consult a child psychologist in the following situations:
- If refusal to go to school and intense crying continue without easing for longer than a few weeks
- If the child frequently cannot go to school because of physical complaints common in the mornings (an assessment by a paediatrician comes first)
- If the child does not speak at school at all and does not interact with anyone
- If there is a marked and long-lasting disturbance in sleeping, eating or toileting habits
- If there are signs they are being bullied at school
- If the teacher reports an ongoing problem with attention, behaviour or learning
To understand whether school-related anxiety is part of a more general picture of anxiety, the article on anxiety in children can be a useful starting point.
How Are School Settling-In Difficulties Approached in Therapy?
In settling-in difficulties, the first step is to understand the source of the anxiety. Sometimes this is separation anxiety, sometimes difficulty in social relationships, and sometimes a particular event at school. In the assessment process, an initial meeting is held with the parents and, if necessary, cooperation is set up with the teacher.
In child and play therapy, young children find an opportunity to express their feelings about school through play. In child-centred play therapy, the child can work through their anxiety and strengthen their sense of control by acting out school scenes with toys.
Work based on the principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can also be used with school-age children. The child is taught to notice anxiety in their body, recognise their anxious thoughts and learn simple calming skills. For children who refuse to go to school, gradual return plans can be prepared together with the family and the school. Meetings with parents provide guidance on goodbye routines, the home routine and the parent's own coping with anxiety.
Frequently Asked Questions
My child cries at school every morning. Should I change schools?
Crying is quite common in the first weeks and usually relates not to the school but to separation. Changing schools may put the child through another settling-in process. A healthier route is to talk first to the teacher to find out how the child is during the day and, if necessary, to seek support from a professional.
How long does the settling-in process take?
This varies with the child's age, temperament and previous experiences. Many children get used to the new routine within a few weeks. If symptoms continue without easing for longer than a few weeks, it can be helpful to consult a professional.
Should I stay with my child in the classroom in the first days of school?
Some schools allow a parent to stay briefly during the settling-in week. This can be a bridge for the child, but it is important that the length of the stay is reduced gradually. Making a clear plan with the teacher stops both you and your child from becoming confused.
My child has become grumpier at home since starting school. Is this normal?
Yes, it is quite common. Children put a great deal of effort into controlling themselves throughout the day at school, and when they come home they release that load around the people they trust most. Rest time after school and a calm evening routine help a great deal in this period; if the grumpiness does not ease for a long time, it is always possible to seek support.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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