Caught Between My Parents: Taking Sides in Their Conflict and Protecting Yourself

If you feel caught between your parents, you are not alone. Read about the adult child as mediator, triangulation and ways to set healthy boundaries.

The phone rings at nine in the evening. If it is your mother, she will most likely tell you what your father has done this time; if it is your father, he will say your mother is "overreacting" and ask you to talk her round. You are forty, you live in your own home and you are busy with your own work; yet those arguments still rest on your shoulders. The sentence "I am caught between my parents" is often less a complaint than an admission of exhaustion. In this article we look at how adult children turn into mediators, messengers or judges in their parents' conflicts, how this affects their mental health, and how it is possible to stand in a healthier place without losing love.

What Does Feeling Caught Between My Parents Mean?

This feeling arises when the tension between two people is lived out through a third person. Instead of speaking to each other directly, the mother and father tell their troubles to their child, send the messages they want to give each other through them, or expect the child to take their side. This pattern, which begins when the child is small, does not end by itself when the child grows up; on the contrary, it can become even more intense, because the adult child is now seen as someone "sensible" who "has a say".

In the family therapy literature this is called triangulation. When the anxiety between two people becomes unbearable, the system spreads that anxiety onto a third person and achieves short-term relief. The problem is that the third person does not feel relieved; the real burden passes to them. The issue between mother and father stays unresolved; only the address where it is discussed changes.

In Turkey this picture can take some particular forms. In families where divorce is still seen as a hard decision, where people say "who separates at this age?", unhappy marriages continue and the place where that unhappiness spills over is usually the children. Sometimes divorced parents, even years later, keep carrying their grievances about each other to their children.

The Roles the Adult Child Takes On

Adults caught in the middle of their parents' fights usually take on one or more of the following roles:

• Mediator: They try to calm both sides and bring them to common ground. They are the one who changes the subject at the holiday table so that no tension breaks out, the one who keeps everyone happy.
• Messenger: Messages such as "Tell your father to pay the bill" or "Tell your mother I am not going to that wedding" are passed through them.
• Confidant: One parent shares their disappointments in the marriage, even very personal and private matters, with the child. The child turns into a companion in trouble who takes the place of the spouse.
• Judge: They are the person addressed with the question "You tell me, who is right?" Whatever answer they give, they hurt someone.
• Rescuer: Especially if one parent seems more fragile, they make it their duty to protect that parent; they give financial support, take them into their home, confront the other parent.

None of these roles is taken on with bad intentions. Most of the time they are fed by love, a sense of responsibility and the belief that "if it weren't for me, this home would fall apart". In the long run, however, they take a serious share of the person's own life, relationships and energy. If you have carried these roles since childhood, the concept of the parentified child may feel familiar.

Why Always Me? Reasons for Being Pulled into Parental Conflict

Among siblings, one usually becomes the one "in charge" of this job. There can be several reasons for this.

Being the accommodating, sensitive child

The child who was the first to notice tension at home and tried to soften the atmosphere carries on with the same task when they grow up. The family defines them as "the understanding one", "the one people listen to". This definition is both a compliment and a burden.

Closeness and geography

The child who lives in the same city, or even in the same apartment building, naturally witnesses more of the parents' daily arguments. While the sibling who lives abroad or in another province stays "at a distance", the sibling nearby has to keep up with everything.

Gender and family expectations

In many families, emotional labour is expected from daughters: listening to the mother's troubles, keeping track of the father's health, repairing the resentments in between. Sons, on the other hand, may be given the role of referee and financial responsibility as "the head of the household". Both expectations are exhausting.

The parents' own needs

For a parent who struggles to regulate their own emotions, avoids speaking directly to their spouse or feels lonely, the child is the most accessible source of support. This may not be a conscious choice on the parent's part; but it leaves a heavy load on the child's shoulders.

The Psychological Effects of Being Caught Between Parents

Constantly having to choose between two people you love can leave clear marks on your inner world:

• Being constantly on alert: Your heart racing every time the phone rings, hesitating to open messages in the family group chat, growing tension as religious holidays and special occasions approach.
• Guilt and conflicts of loyalty: Feeling as though you have betrayed your father when you stand by your mother, and as though you have abandoned your mother when you understand your father.
• Spill-over into your own relationships: Freezing during arguments with your spouse, or feeling you must "resolve" every disagreement immediately. Your spouse may complain, "Your mum and dad have taken our evening again."
• Anger and burnout: Anger suppressed for a long time sometimes explodes at an unexpected moment or gives way to emotional numbness.
• Physical symptoms: Stress-related complaints such as headaches, stomach problems and sleep difficulties.

These symptoms do not make you "weak". Anyone held for a long time in the middle of an unresolved conflict can show similar reactions.

Some people carry this burden for years without noticing it. But one day, for example when their own child is born, when they start a new job or when one of their parents falls ill, the feeling "I am caught between my parents and I no longer have the strength for this" becomes clear. This realisation is often experienced as a crisis; yet it can also be the beginning of change. Taking your exhaustion seriously does not reduce your love for your parents; on the contrary, it is a precondition for keeping the relationship going in a more lasting and more honest way. A role that drains you does not allow you to offer anyone real support for long.

Saving or ending your parents' marriage is not your job; your job is to keep your relationship with them without getting lost inside that marriage.

Caught Between My Parents: What Can I Do?

The suggestions in this section aim not to change your parents but to change your position in this conflict. Starting with small steps is often more sustainable.

Stop carrying messages

This is usually the most concrete step. You can respond to a sentence that begins "Tell your father..." kindly but clearly: "Mum, it would be better if you told Dad this yourself. I don't want to be the go-between." The first few times you may be met with hurt, surprise or the reproach "Now you too?" This is not a sign that the boundary has failed but a sign that the system wants to return to the order it is used to.

Turn down the referee question

You do not have to answer "You tell me, who is right?" by taking sides. Saying "I love you both and I don't want to be the referee on this. I can listen to how you feel, but deciding is not my job" is both a respectful and a protective reply.

See the difference between listening and taking on the load

Listening to your mother's sadness and holding yourself responsible for solving it are not the same thing. While listening you can say, "This situation seems to be wearing you out a lot"; but you do not have to push yourself, straight afterwards, to come up with a solution, call your father or step in.

Set boundaries around private matters

Some parents share very personal aspects of their marriage with their children. If these conversations make you uncomfortable, you have the right to say, "Mum, these things should stay between the two of you; it isn't right for either of us for me to hear them."

Set limits on time and channels

If hour-long phone calls every night and voice messages arriving in the middle of your working day are draining you, setting certain times can help. For example, putting your phone on silent after dinner or not responding to arguments in the family group chat. You can find more detailed methods in our article on setting boundaries.

Share the load with your siblings

If you have siblings, talking about the situation with them can help. The aim is not to hand the burden over to them but to develop a more consistent stance together. When all the siblings set the same boundary, the likelihood that the parents will talk to each other directly increases.

Make room for your own feelings

Anger, grief, disappointment or the feeling "I wish I had a normal family" may come to the surface during this process. Noticing these feelings without judging them, writing them down or sharing them with someone you trust prevents them from quietly running you from the inside.

Religious Holidays, Weddings and Special Occasions: Concrete Situations

Let's say your sibling's wedding is approaching and your divorced parents do not want to be in the same hall. Or which parent's home to visit first during the religious holiday turns into a crisis every year. In situations like these, the following can help:

• Share the plan in advance and clearly. A clear plan such as "On the first day of the holiday we will be at Mum's until noon, and in the afternoon we will go to Dad's" reduces last-minute bargaining.
• Remind everyone that each person is responsible for their own behaviour. If one parent chooses to create tension, fixing that may not be in your hands.
• Prioritise your own small family. If you have a spouse and children, they too have the right to enjoy the holiday or the wedding. Take care not to pull them into the middle of your parents' conflict.
• Arrange separate times when necessary. You do not have to do everything around the same table.

If you would like to understand the general cycles that conflict between parents creates in the family system, our article on family conflict may also be a helpful guide.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It may be useful to see a mental health professional in the following situations:

• If your parents' conflict is clearly affecting your own marriage, your work or your relationship with your children,
• If you are experiencing constant anxiety, sleeplessness, unhappiness or burnout,
• If you feel intense guilt when you try to set boundaries and immediately back down,
• If one of your parents is using physical or emotional violence against the other and you are caught in the middle,
• If one of your parents is applying emotional pressure with words such as "If I lose you, I can't go on living."

If there is violence at home, safety comes first. In an emergency, call 112 (emergency services); the ALO 183 line (Turkey's social support hotline) is also among the resources you can turn to. If you or someone close to you is having thoughts of self-harm, call 112 without waiting.

How Is Being Caught Between Parents Addressed in Therapy?

Individual therapy offers a safe space to understand and change family patterns like these. The process usually includes the following areas:

• Making the pattern visible: In which situations you step in, which sentences trigger you, and what this role gives you and costs you are explored together.
• A schema-focused perspective: How might schemas that developed in childhood, such as "self-sacrifice" or "excessive responsibility", be steering your behaviour today? Recognising these schemas helps to slow down automatic reactions.
• Cognitive work: Thoughts such as "If I don't step in, everything will be ruined" or "If I set a boundary, I'll be a bad child" are questioned using cognitive behavioural therapy techniques, and more balanced alternatives are developed.
• Skills work: Boundary sentences are rehearsed, you prepare for difficult phone calls, and ways of coping with guilt are tried out.
• Grief and acceptance: Accepting that your parents' relationship may never be the way you want it to be sometimes requires a process of grieving. This process can open the door to approaching them with less anger but clearer boundaries.

The aim in therapy is not to blame your parents or to cut your ties with them. The aim is to be able to build a healthier relationship with them while settling back into the centre of your own life.

Frequently Asked Questions

If I think one of my parents is genuinely in the wrong, should I still stay neutral?

Neutrality does not mean having no opinion on anything. If you think a behaviour is wrong, you can tell the parent concerned directly. What matters is that you do not try to make their marital decisions for them and do not keep slipping into the role of referee. Where violence is involved, the priority is not neutrality but safety.

When I set a boundary, my mother stopped speaking to me. What should I do?

Giving someone the silent treatment is one of the common reactions to boundaries and is often temporary. It is important to keep expressing your love while not giving up your boundary: "I love you and I'm ready to talk; but I can't keep being the go-between." After a while many parents get used to the new arrangement.

If my parents divorce, will it be my fault?

No. Two adults' decision to stay together or to separate is the result of their own relationship. Your stepping back from mediating may make problems that already existed more visible; but you are not the one who created the problem.

My spouse wants me to stay out of my family's fights, but I feel responsible. Whom should I listen to?

This dilemma is very common. Your spouse's request often comes from a wish to protect your peace and the peace of your household. Talking with your spouse about the difference between supporting your parents and trying to resolve their conflict can make it easier to find a middle way that you are both comfortable with.

• #parental conflict
• #adult children
• #triangulation
• #family boundaries

Yazar

Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

Eğitimler