Phone Scams and Elderly Parents: Protecting Without Blaming

Why do phone scams target elderly people? Ways to protect your parents without talking down to them, and to support them without blame if they are scammed.

You call your mother in the evening and her voice sounds odd. When you press a little, she tells you: in the afternoon someone "from the police" rang, said a terrorism investigation had been opened in her name and that the money in her bank was at risk. Without telling anyone, she put her gold in a bag and handed it to the "plain-clothes officer" who came to the door. Now she is frightened, and also wary of what you will say. Phone scams are among the crimes that target elderly people most, and for older people the experience often leaves a wound far deeper than the money lost. This article is for adult children who want to protect their parents from these traps, or who do not know how to support a parent who has been scammed.

Why Do Phone Scams Target Elderly People?

Fraudsters do not choose older people because they are "naive". Certain characteristics of this generation unfortunately fit very well with the scenarios fraudsters build.

• Trust in official institutions: For this generation, titles such as police officer, prosecutor or bank manager are authorities to be taken seriously. A voice saying "We are calling on behalf of the state" is not easily questioned.
• Courtesy and a habit of not giving offence: Hanging up on someone or saying "I don't believe you" is rude behaviour for many older people.
• Savings kept at home or to hand: Gold kept "under the pillow", bracelets left from a wedding, a retirement lump sum: savings like these are easy targets for fraudsters.
• Loneliness: Someone who is alone all day may be more open to a voice that talks to them at length and with interest.
• Unfamiliarity with the digital world: Concepts such as verification codes, online banking and virtual cards can be confusing.
• Not wanting to be a burden to their children: Many older people first try to solve a problem themselves and do not tell their children so as "not to upset them". Fraudsters know this and specifically instruct them: "Don't tell anyone, you'll compromise the investigation."

With age, some people may also experience changes in attention, processing speed or memory. However, it would be wrong to assume that every elderly person who is scammed has a cognitive problem. People who are cognitively entirely healthy, educated and experienced can also fall into these traps under fear and urgency.

The Most Common Scenarios: "Your Son Is in Custody", "Put Your Gold in a Bag"

Although the scenarios in phone scams aimed at older people change constantly, certain patterns come up again and again:

• The fake police officer or prosecutor: The person is told their name has been linked to a crime and that their money must be moved to a "safe account" or their gold handed over "for examination".
• A relative's accident or arrest: Panic-inducing news is given, such as "Your son has had an accident, the other party is injured, if you send money now no case will be opened." A crying voice may even be heard in the background.
• The fake bank official: The person is told there is a suspicious transaction on their card and that, to cancel it, they need to read out the code sent to their phone.
• The fake hospital or agency: Information is requested for an "update" relating to health entitlement, a pension or a benefit payment.

Elderly people who have been scammed once are also often called again. This time the caller introduces himself as being "from the fraud squad", says the culprit has been caught and that a fee must be paid for the money to be returned. For someone who badly wants to make up for their loss, this offer is extremely convincing. So when talking with a parent who has been scammed, telling them in advance that a second call may come is protective.

What these scenarios have in common is that they combine fear, urgency and secrecy. Someone who is afraid has no chance to think, someone in a hurry cannot ask anyone for advice, and someone told "don't tell anyone" is left completely alone.

The police, a prosecutor or a bank never ask for money, gold or a password over the phone. The day this sentence is learned by heart, many traps lose their power.

How to Talk to Elderly Parents About Phone Scams

The most common mistake when trying to protect your parents is to treat them like children. Sentences such as "You don't understand these things, don't answer the phone" or "I'll deal with the bank, you stay out of it", however well meant, damage an older person's sense of autonomy. And someone who feels inadequate becomes more likely to hide a problem when it happens.

Share information as a conversation, not a warning

Talking within an everyday conversation, rather than as if giving a lesson, is more effective. Telling them about a fraud case you saw on the news and asking "What would you have done?" makes room for your parent to give their own view. Sharing something that happened, or nearly happened, to you also helps; that way the topic is framed not as "old people get fooled" but as "anyone can be a target".

Keep the rule simple and to one sentence

Instead of long explanations, set a rule that sticks: "With any call that asks for money, gold or a password, hang up and call me." Writing this sentence in large letters and putting it next to the phone or on the fridge makes it easier to remember in a moment of fear.

Agree on a family password

Against calls claiming a relative is in trouble, you can agree on a password within the family that only you know. If the answer to "Is it really you?" is the password, the call can be trusted; if not, the phone is put down. This method gives elderly parents a tool of control and stops them being merely passive people who are protected.

Treat every call that says "don't tell anyone" as a red flag

Explain to your parent that a genuine official body will not ask them not to talk to anyone. Being told "Don't even tell your children" is one of the clearest signs that the call is fake.

Practical Measures You Can Put in Place at Home

Alongside talking, some practical arrangements also reduce the risk. It is important to take these measures together with your parent and with their agreement.

1. A list of important numbers: Prepare a list including the official numbers of the children, neighbours, the bank and the police. During a suspicious call your parent can ring the number on this list themselves.
2. Bank settings: At your parent's request, it may be possible to speak with the bank about lowering online and telephone banking limits and requiring extra approval for large transactions.
3. Where valuables are kept: The risks of keeping large amounts of gold or cash at home can be discussed. This decision belongs to your parent; your role is to set out the options.
4. A neighbour network: A trusted neighbour in the same block of flats noticing that a stranger has come to the door "to collect" something can prevent an incident.
5. Regular contact: Frequent, short phone calls make it more likely that your parent will tell you about something unusual. This matters especially for children living in another city. We discuss the relationship with parents growing older at a distance separately in our article on ageing parents far away.

Learn technology together instead of banning it

Saying "Put the smartphone away and use a button phone" may seem safe in the short term, but it also cuts your parent off from video calls with their grandchildren, logging into e-Devlet (Turkey's e-government portal) or booking hospital appointments. Instead, sitting down together and showing them what a verification code message looks like, what the bank's real app looks like and why unknown links should not be tapped provides more lasting protection. Explaining once is not enough; it needs to be explained patiently, again and again, and without condescension.

My Mother Was Scammed: Supporting Without Blaming

Your first conversation with a mother or father you have just learned was scammed largely shapes what follows. Your first reaction may be anger; "How many times did I tell you!" may be on the tip of your tongue. But that sentence can make an older person who is already full of shame withdraw, and lead them to hide a future problem from you.

Common reactions in elderly people who have been scammed include:

• Deep shame: The feeling "I was fooled at my age" weighs heavily, especially on someone who has run the family all their life.
• Fear of losing independence: Worry that their children will no longer trust them and will take over their money or decisions.
• Sleep problems and anxiety: Fear that the fraudster will call again or come to the house.
• Low mood: Grief over losing their savings and worry about the future; in some older people, loss of appetite and withdrawal.

When offering support, talk about the feeling first and the practical steps second. A sentence like "You must have been so frightened, I'm glad you told me" opens a safe space for your parent. Then calling the bank together, going to the police station and starting the complaint process supports recovery both financially and emotionally. Throughout, take care to make decisions with them rather than for them.

Let's say a father in his seventies gives his card details over the phone to someone introducing himself as a bank manager. When his daughter finds out, she first wants to blame him, then holds back and says, "All your life you've dealt with honest people, and you thought this was the same." Her father's eyes fill with tears, and that evening he tells her he had received another suspicious call before but was too ashamed to mention it. Approaching without blame also allows hidden information to come out.

Your feelings matter too

Adult children often experience complicated feelings in this process: anger at the fraudster, hurt towards the parent, guilt along the lines of "If only I had called more often", and a state of constant alert in case it happens again. Arguments of the "You didn't look after them" kind may also start between siblings. Recognising and sharing these feelings allows you to support your parent more calmly. We also discuss this new division of roles that comes with parents growing older in our article on parents getting older.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Sadness and anxiety lasting a few weeks after being scammed are an expected reaction. However, it can be helpful to turn to a professional in the following situations:

• If, weeks later, your parent is still afraid to answer the phone or open the door, or does not want to leave the house,
• If there is marked withdrawal, loss of appetite, disturbed sleep or hopelessness,
• If the event has brought to light changes not noticed before, such as forgetfulness, difficulty making decisions or recurring confusion.

In the last case, a neurology or geriatric assessment is important; noticing cognitive changes early is a guide both for your parent's safety and for planning for the future. If there are marked depressive symptoms, an assessment by a psychiatrist may also be needed.

How Is This Process Addressed in Therapy?

In therapy with an older adult who has been scammed, the priority is to ease the shame and to prevent the event from taking over the person's overall view of themselves. With a cognitive behavioural approach, thoughts such as "I can't manage anything any more" or "I've become a burden to my children" are addressed, and the right decisions the person has made and the difficulties they have coped with throughout their life are recalled. Anxiety that has developed around situations linked to the event, such as the phone or the door, can be reduced through gradual and safe steps.

Retelling the event also has an important place in therapy. Many older people get the chance, for the first time, to tell what happened from beginning to end without anyone breaking in to ask "Why did you do that?" During this telling it becomes visible how real the fear was, how convincingly the fraudster behaved and that, in the circumstances of that moment, the person actually made understandable decisions. In this way the event becomes part not of the story "I'm no longer capable" but of the story "Something bad was done to me and I am coping with it."

For adult children, support may include coping with anger and guilt, setting boundaries and taking on the caring role towards the parent in a sustainable way. Where needed, sessions attended by family members together help clarify how responsibility is shared between siblings. This work can be carried out face to face or online as part of individual therapy; for family members living in different cities, online sessions are a practical option.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I take over managing my mother's bank account completely?

This decision depends on your parent's cognitive state and wishes. Making decisions on behalf of a cognitively healthy adult damages their sense of autonomy and can strain the relationship. Shared solutions such as lowering limits or requiring extra approval are often a more suitable starting point.

My father, who was scammed, doesn't want to tell anyone. Should I push him?

Rather than pushing, leave the door to conversation open. It may take time for the shame to ease. For time-limited steps such as an official complaint, calmly explain why they matter and offer to take those steps together with him.

Is an elderly parent's vulnerability to fraud a sign of dementia?

Not on its own. Fraud targets people of every age and every cognitive level. However, if the event comes together with other changes such as forgetfulness or confusion, it is appropriate to have a medical assessment.

I live far away. How can I protect my parent?

Regular short calls, contact with a trusted neighbour, a simple rule note next to the phone and a family password are measures that can be applied from a distance too. Your parent knowing they can tell you about something unusual is the most important protection.

• #elderly parents
• #fraud
• #family
• #trust
• #adult children

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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