How does taking an elderly parent into your home affect your marriage, children and household? Read the questions to ask first and ways to ease living together.
After losing your mother, your father was left alone in the house in the village. Each week his voice on the phone sounds a little more subdued; the neighbours say he forgets to eat and struggles to light the stove. You live in your three-bedroom flat in Ankara with your spouse and two children. When you raise the subject over dinner, a silence falls over the table: your spouse looks down, and your eldest asks, "What's going to happen to my room?" Taking an elderly parent into your home is a decision made out of love and a sense of responsibility, but one that deeply affects the whole household. In this article we look at what needs to be considered before making this decision, its possible effects on the marriage and the children, and ways of making life together healthier.
Taking an Elderly Parent into Your Home: Why Is It a Hard Decision?
In Turkey, an elderly mother or father living with their adult children has long been a common and socially valued arrangement. The belief that "parents are entrusted to their children" often makes this decision look less like an option and more like a duty. But modern living conditions, such as small homes, working spouses, children's school and exam schedules and high living costs, make this arrangement more complicated than it used to be.
The main factors that make this decision hard are:
- Emotional pressure: Loyalty and love towards the parent, the feeling that "I have no other choice", the expectations of relatives and the people around you.
- Practical limitations: The size of the home, stairs, whether the bathroom is suitable for an older person, working hours.
- The needs of other family members: The space, privacy and daily routine of the spouse and children.
- Uncertainty: Not knowing how the parent's health will change over time.
For this reason, the decision should be made not hastily or under the pressure of a moment of crisis, but after as calm an assessment as possible. This decision is not only a question of "yes" or "no"; it also involves the questions "how" and "under what conditions".
Questions to Ask Before Deciding
What are my parent's real needs?
It is important to assess realistically how far your parent is able to live independently. Is it only a matter of loneliness and safety, or is help needed with daily personal care, medication or getting around? Are there signs of cognitive decline? A medical assessment helps to identify needs accurately.
Does my parent want this?
Elderly parents often do not want to leave their own home, neighbours, habits and independence. A mother or father who says "I don't want to be a burden to you" may be saying this both sincerely and out of pride. Your parent's involvement in this decision directly affects the process of adjustment.
Does my spouse genuinely agree with this decision?
This is perhaps the most critical question. Your spouse saying "all right" and genuinely accepting this arrangement are not the same thing. Especially if your spouse's relationship with your parent is strained, or if there is a chance that the care will in practice fall on their shoulders, this needs to be discussed openly and honestly. An arrangement accepted reluctantly can, over time, turn into deep resentment in the marriage.
How will my children be affected?
Matters such as children having to share a room, the noise and movement of the household changing, or the study environment of a teenager in exam season being disrupted should be thought about in advance. Children can also gain a great deal from living with a grandparent; but for this, their needs must also be taken into account.
How will my siblings take part in this process?
The sibling who takes a parent into their home often ends up taking on the entire burden of care. Before making this decision, it is important to clarify how the siblings will play a part in matters such as financial contributions, taking turns with care or giving the main carer time to rest. Our article on elderly mother care and siblings offers detailed suggestions on this.
What alternatives are there?
Considering options such as the parent living in their own home with a carer's support, moving to a nearby flat, day care services, municipal home care and hot meal services or care institutions helps you see whether this decision really is the most suitable option.
How Does Taking an Elderly Parent into Your Home Affect a Marriage?
A parent moving in means a third adult entering the marital system. This can create several different challenges for couples.
Less privacy
The spaces where spouses can talk alone, argue and rest together shrink. With a parent sitting in the living room in the evenings, spending time as a couple can become harder.
Conflicts of loyalty
When a disagreement arises between the parent and the spouse, the spouse who is the parent's child can get caught in the middle. Being squeezed between a mother saying "My daughter-in-law doesn't treat me well" and a spouse complaining "Your mother interferes in everything" can quickly wear a marriage down. Our article on living in the same house as your mother-in-law may give you some ideas about the difficulties of living under the same roof as a parent-in-law.
Unequal distribution of the care burden
In Turkey, care for older people is often expected of the daughter-in-law. If your spouse's parent comes to your home and most of the care falls to you, this can over time lead to anger, fatigue and feelings of worthlessness. If you have taken your own parent in, it is very important to see your spouse's effort and share it.
Authority and rules in the home
In their own home, the parent was for years "the head of the household". They may want to keep this role in their child's home: they may interfere in how the children are brought up, how meals are cooked and how money is spent. This can be perceived, especially by the spouse, as losing their say in their own home.
Putting off conversations about money
Matters such as the parent's pension, the rent or sale of their own home and how health expenses will be covered are often not discussed because "it wouldn't be proper". Yet this uncertainty can, over time, turn into a silent tension both between the spouses and between the siblings. Talking from the outset, in language that protects the parent's dignity, about how the parent wants to use their own income, whether they will contribute to shared household expenses and how major costs will be met prevents resentments that might arise later. Keeping the other siblings informed about decisions such as letting or selling the parent's home also prevents accusations of the "You took the house" kind.
Taking an elderly parent into your home requires reorganising not just a room, but the daily life of everyone in the household.
The Elderly Parent's Own Experience
One side that can be overlooked in this process is the parent themselves. Leaving behind their own home, belongings, neighbours and habits is a great loss for an older person. This loss can show itself as grief, anger, restlessness or withdrawal.
The parent may feel like a "guest" or a "burden" in the home. The noise of the grandchildren, different eating habits and having no space other than their own room can overwhelm them. Feelings of worthlessness and loneliness can increase the risk of depression in later life. Our article on depression in older age discusses the signs to watch out for.
The parent having a meaningful role in the home can ease these feelings: reading stories to the grandchildren, preparing vegetables, looking after the plants, being able to go to the neighbourhood mosque or the park on their own.
Ways to Make Living Together Easier
Make the decision as a family
The decision should be made not only by the parent's child but through discussion with the spouse and children of an appropriate age. A family meeting where everyone can voice their worries and expectations prevents later resentment.
Set a trial period
Rather than a "permanent" decision, setting a trial period of a few months gives both the family and the parent the opportunity to see what kind of arrangement is taking shape. At the end of this period everyone can share how they feel, and the arrangement can be changed if necessary.
Make physical adjustments at home
The parent having a room of their own, installing grab rails and non-slip flooring in the bathroom, night lights and safety measures on the stairs support both safety and independence. Placing belongings, photographs or a favourite armchair brought from their own home in their room makes the new environment feel more familiar.
Protect everyone's space
The times when spouses can be alone together, the quiet times when children can study and the time set aside for the parent's own routine should be clearly defined. For example, it could be arranged for a sibling or relative to keep the parent company one evening a week so that the couple can go out.
Discuss roles and rules in advance
It is important to talk respectfully about who has a say in matters such as bringing up the children, housework, receiving guests and television times. It is possible to set a boundary with your parent in clear and compassionate language, such as "This is your home too; but we set the rules for the children."
Plan for the caregiver to rest
So that care does not fall on a single person, help can be sought from siblings, relatives, a carer or day care services. Regular rest prevents burnout.
Support the parent's social life
It is important for an elderly parent who has come to a new city or neighbourhood to build social connections. Municipal activities for older people, the circle around the mosque or cemevi, chats in the park and places where they can meet people of their own age reduce their loneliness.
Let's say tension has started
Let's say the first months went well, but then small frictions began between your spouse and your father: your father compares your spouse's cooking with your mother's, and because of this your spouse has started avoiding the kitchen. Talking to your father alone at a calm moment, before such tensions build up, and making your spouse's effort visible can help. Showing your spouse clearly that you support them also eases your feeling of being caught in the middle.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It may be useful to get support from a mental health professional in the following situations:
- If arguments in the marriage have clearly increased since the parent moved in,
- If one of the spouses feels like a stranger in their own home, worthless or burnt out,
- If the caregiver has constant fatigue, hopelessness, or sleep and appetite problems,
- If the children show changes such as a drop in school performance, withdrawal or anger,
- If the elderly parent shows marked withdrawal, hopelessness or expressions of being weary of life,
- If moments when patience runs out and anger erupts at home have become more frequent.
If you or your elderly parent are experiencing hopelessness about living or thoughts of self-harm, call 112 (emergency services) in an emergency. If the elderly parent shows signs of depression or cognitive decline, a medical assessment is also important.
How Is Taking an Elderly Parent into Your Home Addressed in Therapy?
This process can be addressed at both the couple and the individual level.
Couples therapy: Within the framework of couples therapy, the spouses' feelings, expectations and worries about this decision are discussed openly. Conflicts of loyalty, sharing the burden of care and protecting privacy are worked on. Spouses developing a shared stance as "us" protects both the marriage and the relationship with the parent.
Individual work: The aim is for the caregiver to cope with feelings such as guilt, anger, fatigue and anticipatory grief, and to develop the skills of setting boundaries and asking for help. Cognitive behavioural therapy techniques help in questioning thoughts such as "I have to do everything myself" or "If I hand over the care, I'm a bad son or daughter."
Family sessions: Where necessary, sessions attended by siblings or other family members can make it easier to create a care plan together. Family members living in different cities can join the sessions online.
Frequently Asked Questions
My spouse doesn't want my parent to live with us. What should I do?
The first step is to try to understand the worries behind your spouse's reluctance: Is it privacy, the burden of care or past resentments? After listening to these worries, looking for alternative solutions together, such as a nearby flat, a carer's support or a trial period, helps you protect both your marriage and your relationship with your parent.
My parent seems very unhappy since moving in with us. Is this normal?
It is understandable for an older person who has left their own home and habits to feel sad and restless in the early period; this is a kind of grieving process. Giving them meaningful roles, helping them build social connections and listening to their feelings make adjustment easier. If the unhappiness lasts for months and becomes increasingly deep, a professional assessment is important.
If I don't take my parent in, will I be a bad son or daughter?
No. Not taking your parent into your home does not mean you do not love them or are not fulfilling your responsibility. There are different ways of making sure your parent is well cared for. What matters is finding a solution that looks after their safety, dignity and quality of life while also protecting the health of you and your family.
My parent interferes in how I bring up my children. How can I set boundaries?
You can calmly express that parenting decisions belong to you and your spouse, while making clear that you appreciate your parent's interest and experience. It is healthier to talk privately rather than in front of the children. You and your spouse taking the same stance makes the boundary last.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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