For parents who don't like their son-in-law: how to tell dislike from real warning signs, and how to stand by your daughter without pushing her away.
On the phone your daughter says, "I'm fine, Mum," but her voice sounds tired. At the last religious festival your son-in-law barely spoke at the table, then got up early and went to sit in the car. You notice your daughter doesn't visit as often as she used to, and when she does, she keeps checking the time. Perhaps your son-in-law isn't rude, perhaps he doesn't treat your daughter badly; but a voice inside you says, "This man isn't right for my daughter." Or, the other way round, the objections you voiced before the wedding still sit between you like a wound. "I don't like my son-in-law" is a feeling many parents carry inside but cannot say out loud. In this article we look at where this feeling comes from, how you can tell ordinary disapproval apart from signs that genuinely need to be taken seriously, and how you can stand by your daughter without interfering in her marriage or pushing her away.
I Don't Like My Son-in-Law: Simple Dislike or a Real Concern?
The first step is to untangle your feeling. Not liking a son-in-law can mean many different things:
- A difference in style: His way of talking, his clothes, his jokes and his manner during family visits feel foreign to you.
- A difference in expectations: This isn't the education, profession, financial situation or family background you imagined for your daughter.
- Resentment: An argument during the wedding preparations, or over gold jewellery or the trousseau, is still with you.
- Lack of closeness: Your son-in-law is cold and distant towards you; he doesn't call or ask how you are.
- Genuine concern: You can see your daughter is unhappy, under pressure or changing.
The first four are aspects of the relationship that can improve or be managed over time. The fifth calls for a different approach. Confusing the two can both shake your daughter's marriage unnecessarily and cause you to miss a real danger.
Ask yourself this: "Which specific behaviour of my son-in-law bothers me?" If the answer is "I don't know, I just can't warm to him", the issue is most likely more about your own expectations than about your son-in-law. If the answer is a specific behaviour, such as "He checks my daughter's phone and restricts her from seeing her family", that is a different situation.
Why Do Parents Struggle to Accept a Son-in-Law?
The feeling that "no one is good enough for my daughter"
When you were raising your daughter, protecting her was your job. With marriage, much of that protective role passes to someone else. For many parents, no son-in-law seems able to do this job as well as they did. This feeling comes from love; but it puts your son-in-law through an unfair test from day one.
Control changing hands
Your married daughter now makes her decisions together with her husband. Where they go on holiday, which city they live in, whether they have children – these are outside your say. This loss of control can surface as anger towards the son-in-law, who is the "face" of those decisions: "It's because of him that my daughter moved to Izmir", "It's because of him they couldn't come for the festival."
Different worlds
The joining of two families whose hometowns, traditions and financial circumstances differ is never entirely smooth. If greeting guests at the door, kissing elders' hands and long family meals are normal in your home, your son-in-law's family may have a more reserved style. While you read this difference as disrespect, he may simply be behaving the way he knows.
Traces of your own marriage
Disappointments you experienced in your own marriage can magnify the worry you feel for your daughter. For example, a mother who complained for years about her husband's indifference may immediately see her son-in-law's silence as a sign of the same indifference. Anxiety looks at the present through the lens of the past.
The voice of those around you
"Who did you give your daughter to?", "Does he work in his father-in-law's business?", "Your daughter studied all those years – what does this lad do?" Questions like these from relatives, neighbours and the family WhatsApp group feed the doubt inside parents. Sometimes a large part of the feeling "I don't like my son-in-law" is really embarrassment about how you look in other people's eyes. Making this distinction matters, because winning the approval of the neighbours is not the same thing as your daughter's happiness.
The change in your relationship with your daughter
If your daughter told you everything before she married, it is natural that she now keeps some things between herself and her husband. But you may interpret this privacy as "My son-in-law is pulling my daughter away from me." For more on the balance between closeness and enmeshment in mother–daughter relationships, you can read our article on mother–daughter conflict.
What Does Your Daughter Hear When You Say "I Don't Like My Son-in-Law"?
When you criticise your son-in-law, you think you are only criticising one person. Your daughter, however, often hears something quite different: "Your choice was wrong", "You can't run your own life", "You've let us down."
That is why even well-meant criticism can have unexpected consequences:
- Your daughter becomes defensive: The more she defends her husband against you, the more she may start to overlook his faults herself.
- She stops confiding in you: When she has a problem in her marriage, she hesitates to come to you, thinking, "Mum never wanted him in the first place." This means she is left alone exactly when she needs you most.
- She is caught in the middle: Every family gathering becomes a test of tension for her; she tries to manage your facial expressions and her husband's reactions at the same time.
- Your son-in-law also keeps his distance: A son-in-law who feels unwanted avoids seeing you, which in turn reduces how often your daughter visits.
Criticising your son-in-law is rarely a way of protecting your daughter; more often it becomes a way of drifting apart from her.
Let's say a father objected before the wedding that the son-in-law's "job isn't secure", then reluctantly gave his blessing. Two years into the marriage, the son-in-law's shop closes and the couple runs into financial difficulty. Instead of asking her father for help, the daughter applies for a bank loan, because she is afraid he will say, "I told you so." Being proved right does nobody any good; the real loss is that the father cannot reach his daughter on her hard day.
Warning Signs You Should Genuinely Worry About
Sometimes the unease a parent feels is a justified alarm. The following signs, beyond personal disapproval, may call for attention in terms of your daughter's safety and mental health:
- Your daughter is increasingly restricted from seeing you or her friends
- Her phone, social media or spending are constantly monitored
- She cannot access the money she earns and has to ask permission for every purchase
- She looks noticeably tense, frightened or silenced around her husband
- There are unexplained bruises, frequent "accidents" or suddenly cancelled meet-ups
- Your once lively daughter has withdrawn, lost her self-confidence and apologises all the time
These signs alone are not enough for a definite judgement; but they should be taken seriously. To understand how patterns of emotional and financial control work, our article on toxic relationships can be a helpful guide.
In such a situation, your approach should change too. Blaming your son-in-law or pressing your daughter to "leave right now" can isolate her further and make her more dependent on a controlling husband. Instead, let her feel again and again that your door is open and that you will listen without judging, whatever happens. Information and support on violence against women can be obtained from ALO 183 (Turkey's social support hotline); if there is immediate danger, call 155 (police) or 112 (emergency services).
Standing by Your Daughter Without Interfering in Her Marriage
If there are no warning signs and the voice inside still says "I don't like my son-in-law", your goal may not be to force yourself to like him, but to protect your bond with your daughter. The suggestions below can help you strike that balance.
Say openly that you respect your daughter's choice
If you objected in the past, acknowledging it can repair your relationship: "I was very worried back then; maybe I was too harsh. It's your life and your choice; I'm always here for you." This sentence does not mean you have started to like your son-in-law; it simply shows that you trust your daughter.
Give yourself a chance to get to know your son-in-law
We often don't know well enough the people we don't like. Being curious about your son-in-law's interests, his work and his family, and forming a small bond with him independent of your daughter, can soften prejudices. Even small steps such as watching a match together, asking for his help with a repair job or cooking a dish from his home region make a difference.
Keep a small observation notebook
Prejudice works through selective attention: we spot the mistakes of the person we dislike straight away and miss their good behaviour. For a few weeks, try writing your observations about your son-in-law in two columns: behaviour that bothers you and behaviour you find positive. Details such as him rushing to the pharmacy when your daughter was ill, or quietly taking over the arrangements at your father's funeral, can change the one-colour picture in your mind. This exercise also helps you see a real problem more clearly, if there is one.
Leave criticism out and take your worry to the right person
Instead of telling your daughter about your irritations with your son-in-law at every opportunity, talk to your spouse, a friend or a professional. If commenting on your daughter's marriage is your need rather than hers, you can meet that need elsewhere.
Don't fan the flames when your daughter complains
When your daughter complains about her husband, it may be tempting to say "I told you so" or "I never liked him anyway". But at that moment what she needs is not a verdict but to be heard. Saying "That really upset you – would you like to talk about it?" makes room for her to gather her own thoughts. If she makes up with her husband the next day, what you said won't stay hanging between you.
Leave room for the couple's own decisions
Which neighbourhood they rent in, when they change the car, how they spend their weekends – these are their decisions. Say what you think when you are asked, and wait when you are not. Especially if you help them financially, take care not to turn that help into a say over their decisions. If your son-in-law sees your home not as "a place where he is inspected" but as somewhere he can visit comfortably, your daughter will also come to see you more often.
Don't form alliances through the grandchildren
Criticising their father in front of your grandchildren puts children in a loyalty conflict. For a child, loving both parents must feel safe.
Manage your own anxiety
If you can't sleep at night thinking about your daughter, or you expect bad news with every phone call, your anxiety is now affecting your own quality of life too. Walking, breathing exercises, regular sleep and investing in your own social circle won't make the anxiety disappear completely, but they make it bearable. Anxiety speaks in "what ifs"; bringing your attention back to today and to what you actually know turns that voice down.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Talking to a mental health professional may be helpful in the following situations:
- Thoughts about your son-in-law won't leave your mind and are affecting your sleep and daily life
- Your relationship with your daughter has become seriously strained over this, or you see each other less
- You and your spouse argue about it constantly
- You see the warning signs above in your daughter's marriage but don't know how to approach them
- Years have passed, yet you cannot let go of resentments from before the wedding
If you are seriously worried about your daughter's safety, it is important to know the official helplines as well as seeking professional support; but in every case, the first priority is to protect a relationship in which your daughter can safely reach you.
How Is This Worry Addressed in Therapy?
In individual therapy, the anxiety, loss and need for control beneath your feelings about your son-in-law are explored together. With a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) approach, catastrophic scenarios such as "My daughter is going to be unhappy" or "This man will tear her away from me" are identified, and you distinguish which of these thoughts rest on observations and which on assumptions. Skills for coping with anxiety, and ways of communicating with your daughter more openly and without judgement, are practised.
A schema therapy perspective helps you see how these reactions connect to the past. A parent who has experienced insecurity, abandonment or injustice in their own life may perceive the same dangers more intensely in their child's life. Once this connection is noticed, it becomes possible to look at the present situation more flexibly.
In some cases both parents may come to sessions together. If one parent rejects the son-in-law completely while the other has accepted him, that difference creates a separate tension at home; finding a shared stance lets you offer your daughter consistent support too.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I tell my son-in-law I don't like him?
This usually does no good; it strains the relationship for good and leaves your daughter in the middle. If a specific behaviour bothers you, it is more constructive to talk calmly about that behaviour rather than his personality. A respectful, somewhat distant relationship is also a healthy relationship.
My daughter seems unhappy in her marriage but won't tell me anything. How should I ask?
Ask not as if interrogating, but as if opening a door: "You've seemed a bit tired lately; if anything happens, I'm always here." Don't force her to talk; she will come when she feels safe. What matters is that she knows she won't be judged when she does.
My husband really likes our son-in-law and I don't. It's causing problems between us – what should we do?
It is natural to have two different perspectives; rather than trying to convince each other, find common ground on how you will treat your daughter. Listening to the positive things your husband sees in your son-in-law may help you notice things you have missed.
Could I come to like my son-in-law over time?
For many parents this is possible. Shared experiences, seeing how your son-in-law supports your daughter in hard times, and grandchildren can change the relationship over time. Even if liking him isn't possible, acceptance and respect can be enough for a peaceful family life.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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