Problems with Your Sister-in-Law: Why Does Tension with Your Husband's Sister Grow?

If you are having sister-in-law problems, discover where the tension comes from, the role of the spouse caught in the middle and concrete steps to ease it.

On the morning of a religious festival you post a photo to the family group chat; everyone sees it, nobody replies. A few weeks later you find out by chance that a second group exists, one you are not in, and you realise it was set up by your sister-in-law. Sister-in-law problems often begin with quiet signs like these: there is no open quarrel, but there is a sense of being left out, a coldness, a message of "you're not one of us". In Turkish this relationship has its own name — the görümce, a husband's sister — and tension with her is not discussed as much as the mother-in-law relationship; yet it can be one of the relationships that most hinders a daughter-in-law from feeling she belongs to the family. In this article we look at how tension with your husband's sister arises, why it grows, where your spouse stands in this picture and what can be done to soften the relationship.

Sister-in-Law Problems: What Are They and How Do They Arise?

The görümce is your husband's sister. The fact that folk culture contains so many rhymes, ditties and jokes about her shows that the tension in this relationship is nothing new. Yet not every sister-in-law relationship is troubled; many daughters-in-law find a sister and a confidante in their husband's sister. For us to speak of a problem, the tension needs to have become persistent and to be wearing the relationship down noticeably.

The problem usually shows itself in these forms:

• Coldness and distance: greetings kept short, not being included in conversation, getting one-word answers to questions.
• Barbed remarks: comments about food, clothes, childcare or work that are wrapped up as jokes but hurtful.
• Exclusion: hearing about family plans at the last minute, not being invited to shared get-togethers, separate chat groups.
• Alliance with her mother: the mother-in-law and sister-in-law acting together, forming a two-person front facing the daughter-in-law.
• Interference through your spouse: your sister-in-law speaking not to you directly but to her brother, and you receiving indirect messages through your spouse.
• Comparison: constant comparison based on her home, her children, her cooking or her relationship with her mother.

Some of these behaviours may seem small when viewed one by one. But their cumulative effect is great, because they touch the need to belong directly.

Why Does Tension with Your Sister-in-Law Grow?

Explaining the tension with a sister-in-law purely as "jealousy" or "ill will" is both an incomplete view and one that makes a solution harder. Beneath the tension there are usually several different dynamics at work together.

A sense of losing her brother

Especially for siblings close in age who grew up together, a brother's marriage can be a real experience of loss for his sister. The person with whom she once shared everything, the first person she called, now thinks of his wife first. When this loss is not grieved, anger and hurt may be directed at the person who symbolises the change: the newly arrived daughter-in-law.

Her role in the family being shaken

In many families "the daughter of the house" has a special place: her mother's confidante, her father's favourite, the person who lays the festival table. A new woman joining the family means this role has to be shared. Even if the sister-in-law does not consciously think about it, the feeling that her own place is shrinking can lead to a defensive attitude.

The mother–daughter alliance and triangulation

The family systems approach has a concept called "triangulation": tension between two people is balanced by drawing in a third. When a mother-in-law tells her daughter about the discomforts she cannot raise directly with her daughter-in-law, the sister-in-law unknowingly becomes the carrier of her mother's feelings. The anger that confronts the daughter-in-law may in fact have been borrowed from another relationship.

Her own life

For a sister-in-law who is unhappy in her own marriage, who has not been able to build the life she wanted, or who has experienced disappointments around work or children, her brother's new and relatively happy life can be a painful point of comparison. This does not justify her behaviour, but it makes it easier to understand.

Periods that inflame the tension

The relationship with a sister-in-law can stay calm for years and then suddenly harden at particular times. Wedding preparations are the first of these: decisions such as how the henna night will be held, who will present which piece of wedding jewellery and how the bride's family will be hosted are the first moments when the sister-in-law's say in the family is put to the test. The birth of a first baby is another turning point; especially if the sister-in-law also has children, every different choice about care can be perceived as criticism. A parent-in-law falling ill also increases the tension, because the question "Who will look after them, who is sacrificing more?" opens a new arena for settling scores between siblings and daughters-in-law. Issues such as selling the family home, dividing an inheritance or giving financial help to one of the parents can lead to old grievances being discussed all over again through money. Recognising these periods in advance makes it easier to see that the tension is situational rather than personal, and to be prepared.

Both sides' share

For an honest view we must add this too: sometimes the daughter-in-law turns her sister-in-law's first cold attitude into a firm judgement and starts keeping her distance. Every distance created with the thought "She doesn't like me anyway" feeds the thought on the other side, "She looks down on us anyway". So both sides enter a cycle in which each proves the other right.

The Spouse Caught in the Middle: Sister or Wife?

One of the people in the hardest position in this picture is the spouse. On one side is the sister with whom he shared his childhood, perhaps one he protected when they were small; on the other is the wife with whom he has joined his life. Many men in this situation choose one of two paths: either they ignore the problem ("You women sort it out between yourselves") or they try to calm things down by telling each side something different. Both paths bring relief in the short term and increase the tension in the long term.

The most valuable thing a spouse can do in this process is to openly support his wife's place in the family while protecting his relationship with his sister. This does not mean turning against his sister. Saying "My wife is part of this family, and I want you to speak to her the way you speak to me" gives a clear message to both his sister and his wife. And when one of his sister's comments hurts his wife, talking about it privately rather than in front of the family allows the issue to be addressed without anyone losing face.

When you ask your spouse to do this, remember that he too may carry a fear of losing his sister. You can find more about old grievances between siblings and how relationships change in adulthood in the article on grievances between adult siblings.

How Do Sister-in-Law Problems Affect the Daughter-in-Law?

For someone who constantly feels left out, family gatherings become tests. Daughters-in-law often describe experiencing the following in this process:

• Becoming tense days before crowded gatherings such as religious festivals, weddings or birthdays
• Weighing every sentence in advance and presenting themselves as quieter than they really are
• Replaying what happened over and over in their mind for hours after getting home
• Feeling a little more alone each time their spouse defends his sister
• Beginning to question their own worth: "Is there something wrong with me?"

When this burden lasts a long time, a person's general level of anxiety may rise, sleep and appetite may be affected, and a constant background of tension may develop in the relationship with the spouse.

What Can Be Done About Sister-in-Law Problems? Ways to Soften the Relationship

Your power to change your sister-in-law is limited; but you may have more influence than you think over how the relationship develops.

Try to build a relationship without go-betweens

When communication with your sister-in-law runs only through your spouse or your mother-in-law, every message changes a little on the way. If possible, try to build a small, direct relationship with her: a short message on her birthday, a sincere question about her child, a small task you can do together. The aim is not to become close straight away, but to free the channel between you from intermediaries.

Give calm, short answers to barbed remarks

When a dig is made, there are two traps: swallowing it without any reply, or responding with the same sharpness. A third way is calm, short, self-assured replies:

• "I prefer to do it this way, but thanks for the suggestion."
• "I didn't quite understand what you meant by that; could you explain?"
• "I think we see this differently, and that's fine."

The second sentence is particularly effective: turning a barbed comment into an open question often leads the other person to step back.

Don't feed the gossip cycle

Telling your mother-in-law or other relatives about your grievances with your sister-in-law may bring brief relief, but it usually comes back to you. Choosing someone outside the family to confide in stops the cycle from growing. We look separately at how to handle tales being carried between relatives in the article on gossip within the family.

Look for common ground

Children, a hobby, a recipe, even a shared TV series can build a small bridge between two people. Let's say a woman who had kept her distance from her sister-in-law for years noticed that her sister-in-law loved handicrafts, and asked her to knit a cardigan for her newborn baby. Her sister-in-law was surprised at first, then called again and again for two weeks about colours and patterns. The relationship did not improve overnight, but for the first time they had something to talk about.

Set a realistic goal

Not every sister-in-law relationship has to turn into a close friendship. In some cases the healthiest goal is a respectful and calm distance. Accepting this goal can free you from the exhaustion of constantly seeking approval.

Not everyone has to love you; but you don't have to let anyone belittle you either.

Nourish your sense of worth outside the relationship

How your sister-in-law treats you is not the measure of who you are. Keeping your friendships, your work and your interests alive stops the tension within the family from taking over your whole self. Leaving yourself a little space to recover after family gatherings also helps: rather than immediately picking over what happened with your spouse as soon as you get home, going for a short walk, talking to someone you love or writing a few lines about your feelings can ease the mind's habit of replaying the same scenes over and over.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

If one of the following situations is weighing on you, you might consider seeking support:

• The tension with your sister-in-law has turned into recurring, unresolved arguments with your spouse
• You experience intense anxiety, stomach aches, sleeplessness or similar symptoms before family gatherings
• You constantly feel lonely, worthless or like a stranger within the family
• What you are going through has pulled you into a low, unmotivated or tearful state of mind
• The behaviour has reached the level of insults, threats or open humiliation

These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but they are a reminder that you do not have to carry the burden alone.

How Are Sister-in-Law Problems Addressed in Therapy?

Problems with a sister-in-law can be addressed in different ways depending on what the person is experiencing. In individual therapy, the daughter-in-law's own experience is placed at the centre first: Which behaviours hurt her most? Which past experiences are these wounds connected to? While protecting herself, which reactions serve her and which feed the cycle?

Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, thoughts such as "They will never accept me" or "There's malice behind everything she says" are evaluated together with the evidence for them. Once thinking tendencies such as mind-reading and catastrophising are noticed, the person can begin to respond to the same event in a more balanced way. A schema therapy perspective helps explain why early schemas such as social isolation or defectiveness make an ordinary coldness from a sister-in-law feel so devastating.

If the problem is also noticeably affecting the relationship with the spouse, it may be useful for the couple to work together. This work looks at how the spouse can stand firm while protecting his relationship with his sister, and how the couple can develop a shared stance towards the extended family.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does my sister-in-law treat me like an enemy?

There is no single reason. Many factors may play a part, such as a sense of losing her brother, a change in her role in the family, carrying her mother's feelings, or disappointments in her own life. Understanding the reason behind the behaviour does not mean accepting it, but it helps you choose how to respond.

My husband always takes his sister's side; what should I do?

Try not to turn the issue into a test of whose side he is on. Saying "I felt alone in that conversation; I needed to hear that from you" rather than "Your sister or me?" makes it easier for your spouse to hear you without becoming defensive. If this cycle has been going on for a long time, seeing a specialist together may be helpful.

Is cutting off contact with my sister-in-law a solution?

In some severe situations distance may be necessary. But it should not be forgotten that your sister-in-law is your spouse's sister and that this bond continues. In most cases, rather than breaking off completely, bringing the frequency and form of meetings down to a level you can tolerate is a more sustainable path.

My sister-in-law is single and often comes to stay with us; how can I talk about this?

Discuss this with your spouse first and come up with a shared proposal about how often and how long visits should be. It may then be received more easily if your spouse passes it on to his sister in a warm way than if you say it yourself. Rather than stopping the visits altogether, suggesting that she lets you know in advance and comes on particular days protects the relationship while also protecting the rhythm of your home.

• #sister-in-law
• #extended family
• #sibling relationships
• #marriage

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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